I am 39 years old and live in London. I am a Software developer. I suffer from depression and anxiety and have panic attacks quite often. English is not my native languate so please excuse mistakes.
Currently I am signed of from work starting today for two weeks. I am really low and could cry all the time. My partner tries to help me but we argue nearly every day. I can't get anything right at the moment. Every word seems to difficult and I don't really want to talk. Money is also getting extreamly short and I have no clue how to pay the rent next week or the groceries not even to meantion any other bill. My partner is not working and has no income. I am the only one to support us financially. I have lots of pressure and cope anymore. I wake up at night and can't sleep anymore. I can't stop thinking that I want to die. Everything is so pointless and all this suffering is for nothing. I had so many dreams for my life and future. Study languages, having a good job, starting a family. But everything falls apart and there is no meaning anymore.
I am not on medication as I am to scarred of taking antidepressents. I don't trust them and my partner doesn't want me take them. But I could as we aggreed it would be my dession. I don't know what to do. I am not good in making dessisions.
I hope to find some people here who can understand me and probably have some advice for me.