on the surface i am a happy married woman with a good job. i have depression and am unable to connect with most people enough to feel cared about, because i find it too difficult to appear vulnerable (apart from with my husband), but secretly i long to be worried about by my family and close friends. My depression stems from my childhood and a difficult relationship with my single mother who is extremely isolated, needy and unaware of how lonely she makes me feel. I have a lot of pent up anger and on rare occaions in the middle of an argument i go beserk. The feeling is like the sad realisation that nothing will ever change, she will never understand how much i hurt so what is the point of anything? and i scream repeatedly, throw myself on the floor, bang my head repeatedly on the floor, repeatedly hit myself on the head, all whilst screaming. I am 33. I am not an angry or violent person. I can only describe this as anguish at having my heart repeatedly broken by needing something, a warmth or compassion, but those needs not being met, again and again.

i am seeing a therapist about my depression and my relationship with my mother and it helps. But, i am scared and ashamed about what the physical rage/tantrums/attacks. This has happened to me maybe 4-5 times in my adult life and I am scared that it will keep happening. Just recalling the episode makes me weep because i'm scared and worried about myself. what is it? I can understand what triggers it, but why to such a degree - what can I do to stop it happening again, or getting worse?

4 Replies

  • Hi in an ideal world our parents would provide all the love and nurture you need, but this is far from an ideal world. You are banging your head (literally) against a brick wall expecting love, understanding and approval from your mother who has proved again and again that she can't provide it. You need to stop expecting her to.

    You are replaying children scenes when your mother didn't comfort you as you needed and you are carrying this over to adulthood. She isn't going to change but for your sanity you must. You need to have a radical rethink about your relationship with her, this must be addressed by you and your counsellor and there is nothing to be gained from withholding this information. You have no need to feel ashamed you know as it isn't your fault and I am sure your therapist has heard much worse things than this.

    Once you can fully accept that you can not expect what you need from your mother you will be able to move on. Seek the comfort and reassurance you need from your husband and your friends. You are only hurting yourself by continuing like this.

    Someone once said that you spend the 2nd 2 thirds of your life getting over the first 3rd and I have found this to be true. Try seeing you mother as someone who is severely limited and feel sorrow for her instead.

    I hope this helps. x

  • Sounds to me like a child screaming for their parent and no matter how old we get we are still their children

    I use to work with the youth offending service and one of the things we got our parents to look at was the parenting they received themselves....It sounds like your mother didnt know how to give you what you needed maybe thats because she never got what she needed ..you say she is isolated and needy ...Maybe your mum wanted to get close to you and show you that she loved you but didnt know how to.

    I have lost both of my parents now and im 50 and if i could have my mum back i would forgive all the things she got wrong because she never had the right parenting...I would hug her and tell her i love her and build a friendship....Perhaps you could take your mum to your therapy sessions ....you have the chance to have a relationship with her now ..take it before its too late

  • Hi a few months back I lost it when arguing and was snacking myself in the head and a few years back I jumped out of a window my boyfriend had to hold me down at the time I was banging my head on floor etc. I realised it was pure frustration with the boyfriend and was later put on anti deps etc. I left him threw away my tablets and never looked back and was well for years, I've now split up with my boyfriend of 2 1/2 years and it's been a huge struggle and downward spiral. I find sometimes the people in our lives , our relationships whether family , boyfriends etc can have a huge impact on a person and their wellbeing. We all want to be treated well and loved so I feel your anguish , don't be ashamed xxx

  • Some things I think you can count on...

    Your behavior will defiantly keep people at a distance.

    You are getting something from behaving this way.

    What we say isn't as important as what we do.

    Your Mother will probably never change, but your perception of her can.

    I find it helpful to write down the way I want to be and work toward that end. Small steps, don't try to change every thing at once. When you start to take even a small action you will stop being so scared. Remember being scared is a useful feeling, it tells you in this case that you don't accept this behavior for yourself.

    I think you have very good instincts, trust yourself.

    I will certainly have you in my thoughts, wishing you great success.