So I don't really know if this is the right place, or even if there's a 'real' problem or just me overreacting and over thinking all the time, but here we go. I'm in my second year at uni, and probably since about the beginning of term, I've felt quite apprehensive, and this has only got worse as the term has gone on. I thought maybe it was probably linked to the deadlines, as all the essays tended to have to be in in one week, so it would get pretty stressful and I would be working on three hours sleep a day, and things like that, but it's not like I was actively avoiding the work, it was more somehow it all got ahead of me and I couldn't work out when that had happened and what's more, I physically just could not summon the interest to physically do it. Maybe this is just me making excuses for my laziness, but it felt different, you know? Like....I don't know. Like there was a barrier stopping me from doing it, and even when it got to the night before and I had two essays due in the next day, neither of which had been written, I wasn't panicking, I just didn't care. I think I was more worried about the fact that I wasn't panicking than the fact that I had two non-existant essays. I wrote them both in that night and gave them in, and I thought that I'd start to feel better, but I don't know. It just got worse, and it became harder and harder to do my work, until I was in the same position at the end of term with two essays due in and neither of them written.
It's also started to come out in my relations with my housemates. One I started to idolise to the point of ridiculousness, could do no wrong etc, etc, and the other I just disliked virulently for no particular reason. Whatever he said or did would annoy me, and I know it wasn't him per se, but more my perceptions of him, and maybe a ready made decision in my mind that whatever he was going to say, he'd annoy me. Moreover, the housemate whom I idolised was never in; he was literally never there to annoy me, so I'm wondering if it was because he was never in and because I had such rare contact with him that he became a kind of idolised figure. Especially as I felt threatened and almost scared of the one I disliked a lot of the time to the point that I'd feel panicky if I knew that the two I did get on with weren't around. And that's another thing, I idolised one, condemned the other and then stuck to a third like glue. I seemed to spend my entire life in his room, and I'd feel physically lost if he were busy or with his girlfriend or whatever, and that's not healthy either, relying so heavily on someone to feel less down, because he has such energy around him that when I'm with him, it's okay, it's when I'm not that it's problematic.
Then I think I had a bit of a martyr complex going on, so I'd do everyone's washing up, or I took the ground floor room which was the coldest and the smallest because I would have felt bad if anyone else had it, and it's not a bad room, it''s quite nice really, but there's this constant overthinking of every interaction with every housemate.
Or just a complete lack of interest in the subject I'm studying, as I do enjoy the subject, I am interested, and I think I would have got a lot more out of this term if I'd been more on top of my work, but it felt like such a barrier was between me and actually doing anything. And everything else I did outside of my degree was all focused on getting experience. I want to be a teacher, so I help out in a primary school twice a week, I help out at Guides once a week, I became the secretary for Ninjutsu so that I'd have transferrable skills for my CV etc, etc, but none of it particularly interests me and I don't know. Or I deal with all the bills at the house because I set them up and so on, so every month I have to nag everyone to pay me and it's so frustrating and I can't work out half the time if what i'm feeling is completely justified or if a lot of it is getting magnified unnecesarily and I'm overreacting. Then there's the thought that everyone says second year is hard; everyone was struggling, everyone was writing their essays the night before they were due in, so maybe there is nothing wrong with me and it's actually a completely normal thing for me to be feeling like this.
I thought I'd be okay when I came home for the holidays but I've been sleeping until two in the afternoon every day and I have never slept in so late in my life. At first I thought it was just because I was tired from uni and it'd go after a couple of days, but even after being home for over a week, I'm still waking up at that time, and it's not even like I'm going to bed particularly late in comparison - usually by about one in the morning, so that's way over twelve hours sleep I'm getting, although the last couple of days I have been worrying a lot about bills and things so I haven't fallen straight asleep.
Or for example, last week I don't think I left the house at all, and I know I should meet up with friends and catch up, and get out and I'll feel better etc, but it just feels like so much effort, and I'm not particularly interested to be honest.
I also studied depression in my A-level psychology so I know exactly what the symptoms are, and I think that's a problem, because I know what the questionnaires look like, I know what the expected symptoms are, so I feel in a way that makes any of my responses to them harder because I know how to answer it so it looks like I do, but also so it looks like I don't and I don't know.
I think I just need someone to metaphorically slap me and tell me to snap out of it or to validate this? I don't know. But then I just feel really attention-seekingy. I don't know. I'm going to leave this here, it's long enough as it is already and I'm starting to ramble I feel.