I have depression, anxiety and sometimes I think those conditions make me view of things more difficult than they need to be. But it still doesn't change how deep I feel.
I have been with my partner for three years. Our intimacy is very special to me. I never really had a proper boyfriend before. The ones before him were all violent and belittling and my current boyfriend is the total opposite.
I was helping him with a computer problem using his laptop on my desk in my bedroom. After he already was engaging in sexual advances with me he asked if we could watch porn. At that moment I felt shocked and then numb. I was not surprised in a way a man would ask that- but I never thought my partner would. Not meaning to be graphic I let him do whatever it needs to take to make him happy. Even when it is painful and yucky because I want to keep the only good partner/person had s good relationship happy. I never wanted him the need to turn somewhere else. During sex if he talk about fantasies I don't mind even though it does not turn me on at all. And I know without being told he watches porn on his own time. But to ask to watch it as he is having sex with me just doesn't sit well with me. I googled it and a lot of women said it was disrespectful and even some men too. Because he would be doing acts with me while watching what he really wanted on the screen.
Later on we had a talk and he said he sorry and that he would not ask again for that or would not ask me to live out the fanasies he talks about when we are engaging in sex. One part of my brain says who cares if he is watching porno while he is physically having sex with me. I am still the one that brings me flowers and whatnot. I don't want to do or not do anything that makes him feel he can be himself with me. I told him I am not judging him whatsoever and he was the normal one- and I am just too sensitive. But still I feel bad about this whole situation. He plans to come over tonight and I don't want to have sex at all after what happened last week. I look at him and feel sad because I work so hard to have a slim fiqure and be cute for him. And he still would like to look at professionals do their thing while in my bed. Even though he said he would not ask again - secretly inside I really feel turned off by him. He has no idea so I will keep it to myself and those reading this post. But the emotion I feel most is ... Disappointment. Not jealousy or angry. Just disappointed. But really if I think with the other side of my brain I should let him express his sexuality if watching a video during his time with me is,something he wants. It is not like he is hauling me off to a brothel. It is just a video on a screen. I just wish I didn't care. But it creeps me out. When he asked me the first time we already were in the middle of sex and I thought he was just talking fantasy stuff. But when I figured out he was not kidding I asked what kind of porn did he want to watch and he said anything really. I never got angry but said no and he finished what he had going on with me just as always. This is so depressing. What does everyone else think?