Need guidance

Recently I've been feeling really low and bummed out for no reason, I have been telling myself no one cares when I know that's wrong, have been telling myself there's no point in me being here as Im not doing or going anywhere with my life, I feel like Im stuck in a rut, im too unmotivated to do my nvq, I DONT feel suicidal just not needed.

I have a doctors appointment next week and I feel if I tell her that Im feeling low she will put me on anti-depressants, I went on them before and I felt like a zombie which isn't how I want to feel but I do feel depressed, I am do exercise but there are times I feel too low and lazy but I am taking long walks with my uncle every Tuesday to go shaun the sheep hunting which I am enjoying and Im enjoying meeting other people who are in to knitting and crocheting and I am throwing myself into projects to make things for other people as it keeps me occupied and happy.

How do I get my mood up lifted?


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28 Replies

  • Hi Bexx,

    Keep doing what you are doing. Small little things WILL make a big difference. Accept some days you will feel low and unmotivated. There is nothing to wrong with this , it could be partly fatigue.

    It is a vicious circle that to keep mood up you keep busy but this brings on fatigue which lowers mood. I go through this also, the important thing is to recognise it is not an episode of depression. If you are aware how loved you are and also have no self harm thoughts you are on a positive outlook.

    It can be hard to explain this to people even doctors that you just feel sort of drained both mentally and physically.

    It may seem daft but try having a rest half way through the day. It doesnt haveto be sleep just relaxing. Let your brain rest and refuel. This is not always possible but it does help.

    I hope this helps and try to explain this to your doctor.

    All the best Pax

  • Hi

    If you are low but able to get yourself into hobbies etc it sounds as though you don't need meds but do perhaps need to chat with someone about what's missing in your life.

    Maybe ask the GP to refer you for counselling? Talking through how you are feeling may help you to clarify what's going on and that's the first step to thinking about what you can do to change things.


  • Thanks for the replies, I have made my boyfriend aware that my mood is low and he doesn't like it but he has noticed that Ive been going to be bed half an hour later than normal which makes me tired the next day (which to me seems really stupied that going to bed 15 or 30 minutes later throws my sleeping pattern out of sync) and this in turn makes me over sleep, late for work (which isn't a big thing as I have lots of flexi) and really grumpy and irritable.

    My boyfriend is pointing out things to look forward like the weekend and things I have planned for next week outside of work and im just like meh *shrugs shoulder* I hope this is just a phase Im going though and will clear up later, im just getting fed up and impatient (also the rain isn't helping, all dark, wet and gloomy I want bright hot sunshine)

    The only issue is social events like the various social groups I go to or seeing more that 3 people make me really tired which I really hate.

    Counselling has never worked, the only thing that helps is telling my boyfriend about issues rather than a complete stranger. :-)

  • I wonder whether you are feeling down because your boyfriend is trying to make you feel better rather than just accepting how you feel - I always find when someone does that it makes me feel a lot worse, often I despair then of ever feeling understood.

    You say counselling doesn't help but that you want him to know, my guess is that you are angry that he doesn't understand how negatively you are feeling.


  • No Im not feeling down because hes trying to make me feel better, I was feeling low weeks before I told him. I thought a holiday would help but it just made things worse when I came home as I never wanted to leave the holiday resort or the city (which is a hour and half drive away down the M5 south bound). I actually like that someone is trying to make me feel better as when I was severely depressed back in my teens no one even tried to make me feel better, mainly because I didn't know I was depressed but everyone else did.

    He made me angry when I told him I suffered anxiety and he said it was all in my head until I got a neurologist to confirm that I was suffering from anxiety now he doesn't question my judgement about myself as he know that when people challenge me (even in work) I will prove my point at no cost.

  • Yes, I did imagine you were feeling low before you told him and I can appreciate how good it feels when he tries to make you feel better, for me too there was nobody making me feel better when I was young and as a result I like being cared about now. I am sorry if I was misunderstanding you, it's always difficult to know what someone means by what they write without knowing them well - but it sounds as if you find it difficult to imagine you might be pleased he cares but also angry that his care doesn't make you feel better for long - that was what I was wondering about.

    You say you were depressed in your teens but didn't realise it and I am wondering whether you remember when you first became depressed if you think back now. Often when we become depressed as teenagers - as I was too - the cause is not what is happening at the time but is the result of experiences in earlier life that were painful but which we shrugged off and got over at the time because we were too young to understand why we were feeling so depressed. I'm wondering how you remember your childhood, whether you think you were a happy child and if so then what happened to change things for you, when the depression might have started? If you are able to think about that then although for a while your anxiety may increase you will become more able to manage the depressed feelings because our feelings become less negative as they become understandable and shared.


  • Hi Sue,

    I had a severe traumatic brain injury (my profile pic is my mri) when I was 13 and started my menstrual cycle in the coma and as a result I suffered severe depression, I didn't know I was depressed but looking back on past reports neurologists told my mum I showed and they suggested anti-depressants which my mum denied she suggested counselling which didn't do anything, when my boyfriend came along he took me up the doctors and I was put on temporary anti-depressants as he saw my low self esteem and depressed.

    Due to my TBI memories of my childhood are very sparse but the from the memories I can recall I was happy before I had to move schools when I was 10 as my nan kicked my mum out due to her alcoholism from 10 til 16 I was also bullied in school and the verbal abuse got worse after 13, I also suffered verbal abuse from my mum when ever she gets angry.

  • Hi Bex

    Oh you have had a hard time! Having the brain injury must have been traumatic for you, I presume you were in hospital for quite a time which is difficult for a child to cope with - no wonder you became depressed, your childhood was suddenly taken away from you!

    When you describe your childhood I think how hard it must have been for you having an alcoholic mother even though you had your nan around. I hope she was able to be there for you when you were little. I was bullied in school and know how painful that can be, to not be one of the crowd but instead be treated as someone to be picked on, it destroys self-esteem and makes it hard to feel part of the group later on in life, it's difficult not to feel always an outsider. Moving schools and losing your mum, however awful she was with the drinking, must have been hard too, joining a school where the kids were already friends, not knowing how to join in, no wonder you were bullied, you will have been very vulnerable. My own history is very similar in some ways so I can empathise with how painful it is as a child to feel unloved and unwanted by the people who might have been friends and carers. I don't know whether it is true for you, but I ended up wondering what was wrong with me, to make people dislike me so much, and tease me and bully me. Those experiences made me hate myself, and also hate other people for not liking me. It's hard to cope with that kind of childhood and with the brain injury on top you must have felt confused about what life was about and where you fitted in the world. Maybe you don't remember feeling like that? Often when things are too traumatic to cope with we block emotions about the events. I had a traumatic experience at 11 and it wasn't until after lengthy therapy that I was able to be in touch with how my childhood felt, re-live the feelings and share them, then begin to grieve and move on with life.

    You said in your original post that you do not feel needed and that is why you are depressed. I guess you are saying your life is lacking purpose. I know that feeling - what's it all about and why am I here - it comes from way back in childhood, from a time when we should have meant something wonderful to our mothers, a much wanted child.

    You say your mother is verbally abusive when she gets angry, which sounds as though she directs her angry feelings at you. My guess is that she also did that when you were little, whether or not she said angry things. She is looking to blame someone for her unhappiness, the pain which makes her turn to drink - but I wonder why she blames you? There are so many reasons why parents put the blame onto their children, maybe she felt she had enough to cope with in dealing with her own problems and then you came along to cope with as well. You don't mention your Dad, was he around? Families are complex, but often when we are able to understand what went on within them while we were growing up then we are more able to understand our own feelings as adults, to take care of the child within us in the ways we needed to be taken care of when we were little, and in that way the child can grow up and our lives have meaning. It sounds to me as if you live for others - I wonder whether that was how it always was for you, having to deal with your mum's unpredictable behaviour due to drink rather than her being there for you when you were a child.

    There is no way anyone can provide us with meaning and purpose in our lives, we have to find that for ourselves. I guess it's about finding a use for what we have learned in our lives. It sounds to me as if you are very resilient to have survived all you have had happen in your life! You do not say whether you have a family of your own, but you have connections with people and have a hobby that helps you make more of them. Perhaps you can use your strength and your hobby to help others in some way?

    Sue x

  • My dad was also a alcoholic that was how they met and my mum said when she told my dad she was pregnant with me he pushed her down a flight of stairs, so she moved back home with her parents and on the night I was born (I was 2 months and 2 days premature) she was out drinking and drank all the way through the pregnancy, the call out doctor told the hospital I was a normal 8 pound baby so they had no incubator ready for me.

    My mums cousin told me that my mum has always drank but got worse when her partner who went off to the army who was going to marry her when he came home cheated on her and she told his surname as I presume they were engaged so I don't know much about my dad.

    I dont have a family, I live at home with my mum (and now uncle) I have a boyfriend of 8 years who also lives with his parents that are a 20 minute drive away, and I also have 3 cousins and a aunty who I dont talk to as we have grown apart.

    My mum has recently noticed that when she gets angry and shouts at me she apologises which Im finding nice yet weird to cope with as I haven't had an apology in 15 odd years theres just a lot of cold shouldering after the shouting until I break and start talking to her again (we are very stubborn in our family) since my uncle has re-appeared she has calmed down and is more sociable to be around so I have started sitting in the living with her and my uncle rather than in my room which she is liking but she still makes snide comments to me in front of my uncle.

    I also have a lot of pressure on me from my mum with trying to prove to people that you can be smart and have a brain injury which has caused me to have anxiety issues which makes bonding with people even harder as well having no past experience to go on

  • Thanks for sharing all that with me Bex, you have had a difficult time of it haven't you.

    I'm glad your mum is apologising to you when she gets angry with you, that sounds as if she feels more able to cope with her own problems now. When she comments about you to your uncle maybe you could tell her that it is hurtful, perhaps tell her afterwards when he is not there. She obviously cares or would not apologise for her anger.

    You didn't say how you came to have a brain injury... it sounds as if your mum feels guilty in some way, as if she or her neglect might have been responsible for it. That might explain why she is trying to prove you are smart despite it.

    How long ago was the brain injury, I don't have a sense of your age. You say you are living with your mum and uncle - is that your mum's brother or dad's brother? Whoever he is, your mum sounds supported by having him around and I hope he is good to you.

    I am wondering what you want to do with your life? You have a brain injury but are obviously not daft :) so I am wondering whether you have any plans for your future, for what you might like to do. Maybe you are working already, I don't know.


  • My uncle is my mums brother I know nothing of my dads side. I have my brain injury when I was 13, I am now 27, when I was 16 my mum put me forward for a level 2 IT course which involves taking apart computers (which I love) I passed that went on to do a level 3 course which I failed as it was poorly ran, got put forward for another 2 level 3 courses (one after the other) which I both passed (and its were I met my current boyfriend I was in a emotionally abusive relationship before), went for a level 5 course and dropped out due to not being able to cope, spend 2 years unemployed, got a 6 month IT contract, was unemployed for 2 months which I got a lot of interviews in then I got a interview for an level 3 apprenticeship with my local council which I got and only had to do a NVQ as I had several level 3 qualifications and that has developed into a level 4 apprenticeship, I have completed the certificate (I graduate in November) but am still working on the NVQ side, this whole juggling with work and college and the college adding in new units and swapping assessors and changing qualification boards has what's caused my anxiety on top of everything else.

    Im also a only child so Ive only had pets for company in the times when Im on my own.

  • I can understand how it has triggered or increased your anxiety - but Wow! Bex you have done really well to have moved through the levels like that. As I said you are clearly very resilient :)

    So you are doing IT now then and working, presumably you enjoy the work, you said you like taking computers apart so do you do that in your work?

    Oh so he's your mum's brother, I hope you are happy with him around, it's good your mum feels supported as that's good for you too.

    Oh you are an only child! I don't know why I am surprised, I suppose because your mum was alcoholic I imagined she would not have taken care of herself and might have had differnt partners and children with them, silly of me to imagine that as there's no reason for that to have been how it was. It's hard being an only child in some ways as it doesn't prepare you for the rough and tumble of the wider world. I wasn't an only child but my sister was 7 years older than me and so too old to be a playmate, more like a 2nd mum who thought she had a right to put me down subtly, probably because she was jealous of me - after my birth my mum stayed at home with me whereas my sister was in a nursery from shortly after birth. I guess she wondered whether mum preferred me to her and so she went out of her way to make sure she was the 'only child' by subtly pushing me out. Families can be hurtful.

    It must have been really lonely for you being an only child, probably that's one of the reasons why you enjoy taking computers apart. I am wondering whether you have ever thought whether you have any Aspergers traits - I am asking because I have, and many people who are lonely in childhood do as well. I find that like you although I am friendly it is difficult for me to join in with groups of people due to social anxiety, though for the past few years that has got a lot easier for me. I have had lots of therapy and that has really helped.

    Do you have any goals in life? Would you like to marry, have children, work in anything else?

    Sorry about all the questions, it's just that I want to help and you seem happy to talk about yourself - but if you are not that's fine too :)


  • The taking apart computers part of my work has recently been outsourced (moved to a different company) and they tried to move me but I fought it and won but now my job is very adminstery and I dont really like it but I dont like the thought being in a new environment even less plus a job with the council is meant to be a job for life, my uncle pushed himself away from me and my mum when my nan died which i got really hurt by, I found my nan having a stoke in ehr bathroom some 9 years ago, i was really close to my nan, my granddad died when i was 5, my nan didnt like my cousins because if the colour of their skin so they never really met her but my granddad would go up to derby to see them and my mum always invited my uncle and cousins on hoilday to devon with us as i feel she wanted me to have other kids to play with.

    My accident happened because I walked out into a road without looking and my mum says I got hit approx. 30ft in the air and would allow the head brace on, I was in hospital for 2 months, one month in a coma where several things happened (period, my temperature sky rocketed then when they cooled me down I went to cold and suffered pneumonia which caused both my lungs to collapsed, hey gave me pelican which caused me an all over body skin rash and I picked up a water infected which meant I had to be in a isolated ward) the only things I can remember is walking down the path then being wheeled into the ward, when they asked me what was the last thing I remember I told them the date and time 5 minutes before the accident occurred (31st jan, 2001 at 7:45am)

    I would like to get married and have kids but I don’t think I could cope as on the weekend my boyfriends niece (age 4) and nephew (age 7) came over and there were times when I had to leave the room and my boyfriend said to me that if I couldn’t handle being round his niece and nephew how will I cope with kids of my own which I thought was totally uncalled for but couldn’t think of a come back.

    The questions are fine 

  • I've got to go out now, but will try to respond some more later. xx

  • Hello Bex

    Be the person you are, not what other people think you should be,

    When it comes to hobbies and activities, you need to enjoy what you are doing.If you do this you may be on the way to a more fulfilling life.

    Talk to your GP about the way you feel. You could find out that the rut you are in is caused by you and you need to look more positive into your life and what you want to achieve


  • Im trying to arrange to meet a friend up for coffee to get to know her better and a fortnight ago I asked her and she said she couldn't do the following week (last week) but could do the next week (this week) I messaged her on Saturday to see if she was still up for meeting up and she said yes what time did I get home from work, so I told her and she read the message but didn't reply so after a few hours I nudged her and again she read it and didn't reply and this has caused the insomnia that I had when I was 13 (which my mum put me on sleep pills for) to reemerge, so today Im running on very little sleep as I was freaking out. I did invite her to my knitting group last month and she said she would attend this month but I don't want to hassle her as it feels like Im doing all the work and ive been in a friendship like that before and it was mentally shattering this has called me more depressed and I don't want to flip out like I did with my ex friend so Im laying low and she can contact me but it doesn't stop the psychotic thoughts.

  • Aah, I see you are working, what do you do Bex?

    You know, there may be many reasons why the person you were trying to make friends with hasn't replied, maybe she has emotional issues too or a problem going on in her life. Just let things rest and next time you see her why not ask her, you will tell from her response whether she is being honest or just giving you the brush off. If she is then try not to take it personally, some people have issues that make them not want to become involved with certain other people, there can be all sorts of reasons.

    You say psychotic thoughts, what do you mean by that? Perhaps you mean the anxiety thoughts are unrealistic?


  • Im imaging scenes in my head of how things will play out which never plays as I expected so I don't know why I do this.

    Yesterday she was meeting friends out so I feel like Ive been cast aside like I did with my ex friend and that im second best, im fed up of being second best in friendships though I do it a lot with my boyfriend and he has brought this up which I feel bad for.

    I realise that she may be experiencing the same anxiety nervousness as me and like me it too scared to make the first move but why I do always have to make the first move.

  • Relationships are hard, and they are harder still for those of us who have had lonely or difficult childhoods. In time you will find you gain more skills and confidence, as you feel more sure about who you are and the things you feel are important in life. x

  • Hello Bex

    Cool the urgency, the more you push, the less she may want to meet you


  • I am, its just in the past she has read message but then forgot she read it

  • So, she has issues too. Things will develop one way or another in time, so as Bob says just let things ride and get on with something else in your life.

    What do you do when you are not working?


  • Ive recently taking up colouring, my doctor says I just a method called distracted something because I told her that when my mum upsets me I listen to music to forget what has happened and Ive been doing a lot of this recently, I also knit and crochet, read and I use to do penpalling to get that friendship feeling and I have met some of them but I have explained depression has made me less reliant t to write which they understand, ive also been shaun the sheep hunting with my uncle

  • Well done Bex, it sounds as though you have developed some really good coping strategies and ways of dealing with things. x

  • bex

    Life is hard, we enter into situations with so much intensity that we need to know when to pull back and give the other party time. You may find She may be asking you to have coffee with her.

    Good Luck


  • I hope so but ive been waiting roughly a year for her to make some sort of friendship move and as she didn't I did and now I feel like Im owed (which sounds horrible) and im getting the impression the she feels like shes done nothing wrong which I hope im wrong about, I will be seeing her Wednesday as she teaches a zumba class that I go to (as i have to lose weight another stress to add to the pile) I will have to see how she reacts and try and keep my anger mood at bay (somehow) if this hasn't calmed down by then

  • I was over-reacting as I found out for the delay for her reply, she did eventually get back to me but still hasn't suggested a date of time for our coffee meet up, I was thinking for suggesting to push it back to next week but Ive decided against it as she can suggest it but I still get really paranoid

  • Bex

    My mother was a right nasty bit of work so I can understand how you must be feeling.

    You have to get on with your life so you need to make decisions that are positive actions.

    Give thought to what you want in your life, sometimes we need to look forward , not back. Your Mother has lived her life you have yours to live. Remember that.


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