Why do I put up with it?

A few weeks back I found out I passed my exam that was really making me depressed and very nervous as it would determine whether or not i had a degree. I was over the moon!! I was so nervous that I had asked my boyfriend to open the result for me. But with my growing curiosity, I ended up opening it because I realised the results went in early. I told my boyfriend face to face and he walked away from me. He never came up to speak to me or congratulate me, but however turned me into the bad person.

He told me he would buy me flowers for passing my exam because I was that nervous about it but never bought them anyway. But his reason was that because I never let him open MY exam results that I didn't DESERVE the flowers.

He ruined my whole day and it made me finally receiving my degree turn into a really bad memory. It's not the fact about the gift of flowers, its because he couldn't just be happy for me and ended up turning it about himself!

Am I over reacting ?

26 Replies

  • No. You are not overreacting at all. Under the circumstances you have been very restrained - I would probably have decked him! He is being really controlling, how dare he make it all about himself when it should have been about you. He sounds like a really selfish oik! Get rid and find yourself another bf who cares about you and not only himself.

    Also go and buy yourself a huge bunch of flowers and when he asks where they came from just say a friend who is really pleased for you! You deserve them. Many congratulations for getting your degree as I have one myself and know how hard you must have worked. Get together with your friends and have 'I have got my degree party' and don't invite the twat. That's what I would do :)

    Well done. Bev xx

  • I don't mind not getting any attention over it or anything I just wanted the one person I care about a lot to be happy about all the hard work I put in. He had watched me go through it all and I just wanted a hug and to be relieved. Instead after I got my results I felt quite distanced from him because of the way he acted.

    I might just throw a party anyway haha ! All the hard work is done so now its time to relax haha

    Thank you. I appreciate your advice :) xxx

  • HI Sam I should have put NOT overreacted - glad you still got the sense of it :)

    Are your expectations so low of your bf that you don't mind not getting attention for such a wonderful achievement? That's not right is it? What would have been your reaction if he had achieved something like this? You would have praised him and thrown him a party wouldn't you? You might love him, but I wonder how much he cares for you If you love someone you back them all the way and are delighted for them.

    Forgive me for saying this but he sounds a bit like a spoiled brat who hasn't grown up and everything is always about him. I think you deserve better than this.

    Throw your party love and be happy for yourself. :d

    Bev x

  • Why are you caring about him when he behaves so uncaringly towards you?

  • Hi

    I don't think that it is an over reaction to be concerned about his reaction. Congratulations on gaining your degree by the way. You know his reaction is child like and self involved. Achieving your degree after a period of hard work and stress involves a big change. I wonder what he is feeling about that? His reaction to your news was not helpful and it is understandable that you feel hurt. You recognise that these were your results and you had every right to open them, Even after asking your boyfriend to do it. I am sure you also see that it is not a question of not deserving flowers because you opened them yourself. You worked hard and passed your degree, this deserves to be celebrated. It's regrettable that this happened. Another question would be, is this usual behaviour for him? Does he frequently promise reward and take it away if you don't do what he wants? It seams very much like a parenting action, rather than a partner Acton. Try to see past what happened and recognise the possibilities now you have your degree. Well done.

  • Thank you!! Well sort of yeah. I feel like I keep ignoring the things that he is doing just because I don't want to face reality. I really need to find my voice and tell him how I feel. If he can't see what he is doing to me then I suppose there's no point in continuing this relationship. Thank you for your advice. I really appreciate it :) !!

  • I wonder whether he is feeling threatened seeing you improve yourself, whether he anticipates that as you become more successful you will not want him and so is bringing about that event by being horrible to you? Only you know him well enough to know whether that may be a reason for his behaviour. x

  • Well done on passing, you are very clever and talented. You should get rid of your boyfriend ASAP this is an insight on how he is, selfish and spoiled. You were ecstatic over passing your exam, he should have said "you open the results and whatever I shall still buy you flowers" but no he has a mardy. You need positive, supportive people in your life not a selfish boyfriend. I totally agree with Bev who asked what he was like before this? As the saying goes there are plenty more fish in the sea. You are amazing and worked hard to achieve your degree. Do not let a negative young man spoil your success. You are young and clever have fun with your friends, leave the boyfriend. Love Helen xx😊😊😊

  • Thank you for your advice. I think I do really need to find my voice because I am just ignoring the things that are happening because I think that "it's no big deal".

    I'll definitely need to think a lot about what I want in life and if he is the type of guy I want around me (not looking likely haha....)

    Thank you again!!!!! Xx

  • Maybe he thought it showed how much you valued his input, then you went ahead without him. Ok, so sulking about it is not a nice trait, but why not ask him why it meant so much to him. Is he feeling left behind because you got your degree? What does he do for a living, and has he also got a degree? Not all adults are confident about their place in the world, and even though you are able to share your feelings on here, he may not be as able to express himself as well to you. Of course, if you want a guy that is totally with it and cool then maybe he is not for you, but sometimes it takes time for men to open up and explain themselves.

  • I know I went ahead and opened my results anyway but it was only because I had noticed they were in early. I did apologise to him for that but he still insisted that I didn't "deserve" flowers or even a hug. He works in a supermarket chain and doesn't go to college or anything. He has opened up to me about college about how he kind of wanted to go but feels he will get more money if he builds himself up in the supermarket chain. I'm happy if he is happy. I don't care about money really. But I know he is only staying there because he is too comfortable. I try to motivate him to go to college but it doesn't work.

    I'm just annoyed about the way he acted. I did apologise and he decided to throw his toys out the pram. I wasn't expecting anything from him apart from him being happy for me. But he seemed anything but happy. So it just ruined the day.

  • You really did not have to apologise for opening your results yourself - and do you really have to deserve a hug!!

    It sounds as though he may be scared of going to college in case he can't manage it, so instead stays where he feels safe?

  • On reflection I would say that whatever his reasons he should have at least acted happy for you, and done what he had promised. If he was unhappy about the change in plans he should have explained that in a mature way. I also think you should not interfere in his life and try to push him into doing a degree as that can come over as being patronising. If you are not happy with him and his choices then move on.

  • If he can't support you in both good and not so good situations then he is not right for you. He should have been over the moon for you. Go buy yourself flowers and make it a big bunch. Av learned to be good to myself without looking to anyone else . It will get him thinking. Really sounds a bit childish and to say you don't deserve flowers cause you opened your own results is just silly. Go out today but your flowers and tell yourself you really do deserve them and let him know that too. He won't expect it at all! Honestly be the happiest you can be and really very well done on your hard work in achieving great results. Don't put up with sulking moods but, it will drag you down. You deserve better x

  • Thank you! I know it sounds silly for me to be annoyed over a bunch of flowers or a hug. But it's just the way he went about it. Thank you for the advice. I do really appreciate it :) !!! Xxxxx

  • It's not silly at all and it actually tells a bigger story, it can't be the first time he has done this. You really have to think what u want for ur life x relationships are meant to build u up at all times. Honestly av learned so much n I would now go buy myself flowers and be good to yourself. It's not selfish to be good to yourself and also good to others but just be careful where ur going with this relationship. If you can't speak up just now it's going to get harder. Sit down with him and try talk it through, if you don't it only sits there till the next one comes along then that adds to the last one x hope u have a good day today

  • Aw thanks you I hope you have a great day too!

    I'll definitely have to sit down and speak to him.

    Thank you again :) ! Xxx

  • Not everyone is mature enough to be glad for another person - only you know if in general he cares about you and behaves caringly towards you, whether this was a specific situation which hurt you or whether he repeatedly hurts you.

  • Sounds like a bit immature and spoilt as a guy. I won't add on any advice to what's already been said, but passing a degree when you're suffering anxiety or depression is a massive achievement and you deserve congratulations on that.

  • I don't want to come across like I need praise or I want anything for it but it kind of takes away from the happy mood when he doesn't appear happy for me when I have overcome the thing that had me down for many months.

    Thank you !! :) xx

  • Whatever the reason, try not to let it affect you too much, and enjoy the moment. Get off the computer and go out and celebrate. If you don't want to upset the bf any further, do it out of his earshot and sight.

  • I'll second this. Congrats.

  • And I third it. Celebrate your great achievement, you deserve it Sam. bev x

  • This guy has got serious control issues. I think it's time you had a look at the implications of such childish and let's face it nasty behaviour.

    You are not a child to be promised a present for doing well in an exam.

    Be proud of yourself for your own achievement and ignore him.

  • I wonder why you picked a boyfriend who is not able to care for you?

  • This kind of happened to me before but is a much less important way. My partner ordered this £800 pound item and charged it to my credit card and gave me almost the amount of money to me in cash. Then he said he would wait for me to open this item when it arrived in the post.

    Then I got a phone call saying the parcel arrived and he couldn't wait so he opened it. And then he went on and on how happy and excited he was. I was surprised he opened it because he promised to wait- but he was so happy and excited I never mentioned it again.

    You opened YOUR results and definalty your boyfriend should not bring you down on such important news. Sadly I had boyfriends like this. I was going to be presented with an award at my graduation from college and I never went because my boyfriend at the time started a big fight with me saying the clothes my mom bought for me to wear were inappropriate and I ended up not going.

    This personality trait of your boyfriend will appear again and again in different ways in the future. Part of it is he is jealous that you are happy and successful because he wants to be the only one to bring you happiness and success. Anything you do that,could make you happy and sucessful on your own he feels threatened he might lose you. And if he were to lose you- he wants to be the one to end it so he feels in control. So now you are the bad guy for not letting him open the envelope.... No matter what he will continue to turn the tables on whatever issue you may have and blame it on you.

    Congratulations on your degree! Ignore the boyfriend and celebrate and bask in the happiness of your friends and family for a job well done! If you ignore your boyfriend he likely will approach you. There is no reason why such a special time in your life you should be pursuing a person who treated you poorly. Nothing trumps the fact you worked so hard and earned you degree!

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