To show how i feel

I am home now have three shifts at work today. My embarassment is hard on me and in feel like I want to be somewhere no one knows I have medical depression. I feel humiliated and vulnerable. I hate being me.

I feel so anxious and feel like I have to find a way to show how I feel on the inside.

I want to clean out my apartment until it is nearly completely empty. Just purge everything from my life. I want to rehome most of my pets. And fill up as many plastic trash bags as possible.

At work I already threw away or took home anything there that was mine. I just want to remove any trace I was anywhere.

I want to get rid of things that are important to me and I want to get rid of anything cluttering my life. I feel like summer is over and it is time to pack up and leave before winter comes. Like slowly, slowly it is all coming to an end. Some of my pets will break my heart to say goodbye to but they will have better lives without me. I just want everything to be sparse and empty like how I feel on the inside. I want to make it that if someone else had to clean out my apartment they could do it easily with a couple of boxes.

My anorexic feelings are returning very strongly. I would love to feel that sickening gut feeling you get from not eating for a couple of days. I would love to see physical evidence on my body that I am hurting inside. I really don't think the people I have told understand. I feel no one believes me. I saw my doctor yesterday and he gave me new Rx to help me along with my regular pills.

I just feel like a whirlwind dust storm. And then I feel empty helpless and just want to cry. My favourite pet is sleeping on my elbow as I type this. To think of my life without him hurts me more than pretty much any of the other stuff. He doesn't care I am mentally unstable or a vile excuse and waste of life. He just innocently sleeps beside me like everything is okay in this world. He could be anywhere in my house right now and he wants to sleep on my elbow.

Really wish I was not alone right now. I think I should just try to go to sleep. How did I let my life get so out of control?

14 Replies

  • Hi Aspen

    Firstly, you are most definitely not a vile excuse and a waste!! You are a stable person for the pets you have and they look to you for love, care, food and comfort and I'm sure you give them these things everyday x

    I know how you feel about being ill on the inside but with no physical signs on the outside and for the past 6 months I've felt like you x

    I know you have had some work problems lately but hopefully they will start to level out and I'm hoping it gets better for you. My job is very well paid but massively stressful but I look at it in this way, it pays for my rabbits nuggets, broccoli, cabbage, crunchers, hay and straw lol even though the little bugger Flopsy bites me everyday.

    I'm not a counsellor but maybe try to channel some thinking into your pets and the happiness they give you? I know it seems really dark and grey at the moment but we are all here if you need us and I do hope we can help you get back on track.

    What pets do you have by the way?

  • Sincerely thank-you for your message. I love hearing about your bunnies - and the biting Flopsy. My guys are on my mind when I am at work and wanting to just walk out the door. My pets I am closest to are birds. Both rescues - a dove and an egg left on my bookcase 1.5 years ago that hatched into a yellow fuzzy pigeon chick. They act like puppies playing fetch and bringing me twigs. My pigeon is even newspaper trained and his favourite place to sleep is laying either his tail or head on my elbow.

    Work is what brought my depression on as the most significant trigger. It is the animals I work with there are my major reason for not leaving. Not in a dramatic sense however I have been thinking seriously about leaving this world. I have no urge to gather a crowd around me or leave notes blaming people- I just feel like if I could crawl down into a cool hole in the ground and go to sleep forever - I would be okay with that. I saw my doctor yesterday. I feel I out stayed my welcome at work and in life in general. Those little bright blue eyes of my pet bird staring at me and tilting his head like he is concerned for me - makes me cry. He has no idea why I am sad.

    Thank-you for your reply. It helps to have a friend listen. ❤️🐰

  • Hi Aspen I'm sorry to hear that you feel so bad. Now the fact.that you were Anorexic before tells me that your problems

    Are quite complex. If you are underweight and not eating

    Correctly of course you will feel sick and Depressed.

    Would you think also of going onto one of the anorexic help

    Sites for help for your anorexia, it might help as this is more

    A Depression Site, You say you went back to your Dr.

    Yesterday but we're you 100% honest with your Dr.? You

    Really have to be honest with your Dr. If you want to

    Get better. He will not be a mind reader. Go back and

    Tell him you are feeling suicidal, you need to take this

    Step, you are a bright woman.

    Your pets sound lovely and they need you, forget about work

    You are overreacting to the fact that you have Depression,

    I'm sure no one thinks badly about you, you are the one

    Who is imagining all this.

    Aspen you need to get help, maybe go to your Emergency

    Dept. Where do you live? Because Summer is only starting

    Here. Best of luck and please get help today.


  • Hi Aspen

    I know very much how you feel. I have had depression several times I my life & am on long term treatment for it. One thing I have learnt is that you have to learn to love yourself. This is good psychology. Recognise that you are you. You are unique. Tell yourself daily that you love yourself & eventually you will believe it. Find something that you enjoy doing & do it. Give yourself to looking after yourself & your pets & becoe good at it. Take whatever help you can too.


  • Good morning, Aspen,

    You have been on site for an extended period.

    Your Life is not really functioning.

    What would you like from us ??.

    We can help and give support. Your medications, are needing to be given time to work. You also could do with 1to1 Talking Therapy, and your GP needs to listen to your basic problems and arrange help for you.

    One thing you can do is to make a list of your life problems and try and make your worries fall into perspective. Try working out how you wish to pull your worries together and sort each one out in little bites. To take large bites only makes things look to much to sort out. Then we hide our problems and we then get worse

    Your work employers seem to want to help you sort your work situation so that is a good situation, try not to push this willingness back into their faces.

    Try and be less impulsive and think what you really need to do, to make your life more positive.

    If you dwell on your life problems all that will happen is just make your situation worse. Take action in little bites, little bites make larger bites and in that way we start seriously to sort out our problems.

    You say you, at times work in dusty environment if this is affecting your health look for a new job, although keep this position open until new chances arrive


  • Ok, whilst what Bob says is basically good advice (although he does contradict himself in places), I think it might not be the right time for you to make any decisions you may later regret. Throwing things away may be cathartic right now, but these are things you value when feeling good and you may well want them later. I think what you are saying is that right now you cannot deal with the responsibility of it all, and have got into an all or nothing mentality. Is there a way you could temporarily offload some of the responsibilities until you are feeling better? If you can manage to work through the rest then at least you will have the satisfaction later of knowing you coped, even when you felt at your worst. This will give you such a boost in your recovery.

    I would advise that you just keep getting up each day and put one foot in front of the other until walking starts to feel normal again (which it will). Keep talking to your employers, and if they can help with the dust, let them. Until they reach a point where they cannot help you enough for you to continue, there is nothing to be gained by leaving. If you keep communicating and the end result is a mutual decision that you need to leave, they may be able to at least provide good references. If you accept their help, then leave anyway they may be annoyed.

  • Hi there Finding Me I really think Bobs advice is good. I don't see why you say he contradicts

    Himself. I don't see any contradiction in his post.

    Everyone is different and will

    Have a different perspective.


  • Oh I didn't mean to criticise, but he did confuse me a bit when he said:

    Make a list of what worries you and work through it, then went on to say do not dwell on your problems. Then he said not to throw offers of help from the employers back in their face, then later suggested that Aspen should accept the help until a better offer comes along. Having been both a caring employer whose employees left without giving notice for a better offer, and and employee whose employers did not try to accommodate my issues, I feel she is lucky to be offered help and should try to take full advantage of it whilst not exploiting it. However, this problem is not about me, so Aspen is free to do as she feels best for her.

  • finding me

    With regards Aspen.

    You need to understand the problems associated here, and work out replies into some form of context. When we all suffer from our mental health problems we generally need to work out what has caused our complaint. You cannot really do that in one bite, it takes time and an understanding of the situation you find yourself in. You need to be kind to yourself as self criticism will just make your condition worse.

    We are not Doctors or Specialists, if you are, well you can become a critic.

    All we are doing here is give support and understanding as at this time there is an extreme shortage of treatment options and treatments are becoming rationed.

    I am sorry to reply on your post Aspen, this is not a place to discuss any bitchy entries.

    If I feel this happening I would prefer to leave these pages and carry on with my Voluntary works in the North.


  • Bob. I think you are out of order calling my comments bitchy.

  • Bob, I realise I have inadvertently upset you and want to assure you that this was not my intention. I apologise. I also apologise to Aspen if you feel your thread is not the place to conduct this conversation, but I could not think of anywhere else to write this.

  • Findingme

    All forgotten straight away, I was more worried about Aspen as I was on Her worry.

    If Aspen is around, hope all is ok now, you know where we all are


  • Aspen, Please go back to your Doc, and you are needed so much ,I mean what about your pet's, they deserve you and you are in charge of them and they need you so much, so I will wait to hear that you are looking after them very well as I know you will, but, you must also look after yourself as well.

    I'm new on this site, and boy do I go through what you go through, talk about shitty days, well I know you do, and we get over them, I know it might be hard to make the effort now, but hold on in there and pour some of it out on here, we can take it,All the Best Alex

  • Hi Aspen,

    You do sound to be feeling utterly overwhelmed with responsibilities and work at present.Never feel embarrassed because of your depression-whilst there remain a few ignorant people who are always quick to judge any form of disability/difference I have found that most people are good at heart and want to understand and help if they can : ) Do the handful of ignorants matter ? No, they are a minority,not representitive of mainstream opinion and not worth knowing !

    I am wondering if just having assistance at work is enough for you or whether you might be better taking a short break from work all together if this is possible? Give you time to think, maybe rediscover who you were before all the heavy workload and responsibility took over.Find out what you enjoy and are good at-you might surprise yourself : ) I can fully understand the idea of just wanting to tip the clutter down the chute to simplify things-it's a short term quick fix but long term not a solution.So perhaps some time out,to sift through things and decide what you need,want to keep,can do without in your life.What would be an good work/life balance for you.I agree that talking therapy may be useful.

    I think you are a good hearted person,squashed under the weight of other people's expectations at times.Sometimes we also impose our own expectations on ourselves,I know I do,then become disappointed if we cannot fulfil what we believe we should be capable of.This can knock our confidence and makes us feel worthless.It's a false negative-we simply overestimated our ability ,tried our best but forgot that we are not Superheroes ! : )

    Perhaps we just aim too high sometimes and need to take a more realistic view of what we can manage.Maybe long term,working less hours would be better ?

    You may feel like your life is out of control right now but with some thought,help and determination you have the power to change that.

    Kind regards,

    Ex Wonderwoman, Angela x

You may also like...