Hi, this is the first time ive posted or written anything about myself so please bare with me.
Im 25 years old and have been living with depression since I can remember, its genetic, all my aunties/uncles/mother have symptoms of it ranging from mild to severe. Mainly my two aunts, one has clinical, which is what i seem to have.
Ive lost jobs over the years, relationships, all because of my mood swings. I claw my face and arms, im crying hysterically for hours rocking in a corner, I say horrible venomous things and I can hear myself saying them but I cant stop. My memory is really bad, I get confused so easily. It's so hard to explain the extremity of my behaviour...im suicidal, I cant walk anywhere on my own spend all my wages on taxis to get places. Its so confusing because im a barmaid and I exude this false confidence and give so much banter when inside im falling to pieces I tell jokes and am constantly smiling even though I want to cry. I can get periods of normality for weeks then suddenly for a month im back to being this way.
Ive been waiting to get an appointment for seven months with my CHT and all my doctor does is prescribe me one anti depressant after the other. He told me he believes I should be on lithium but then nothing comes of it. He had to sign me off from work for a month because I almost glassed my boss out of irrational anger
I feel like im losing who I am every day, my job, my poor boyfriend that has been so supportive throughout these tough two years. Im so sorry for rambling I just feel so lost and need to know im not alone