Angry and Bitter???

My so called ex used me, betrayed me, abused me again, and again after 3 years together on and off. I realised that he wasn't making real effort to stop, so I just broke our “relationship” off. I just changed my number and stop communicating so I basically cut him off. It's been a few months now since we haven't seen/spoken to each other. He's was lying to me all the time, and I knew it, but I ignored it. That's something that was killing me because I really thought I loved him. I started to feel suicidal, and begun to self harm again so I knew I had to leave him alone. A part of me knew that healthy relationships weren't supposed to make you feel so sad and unhappy. Every time I gave him a chance he deceived me and manipulated me. I get frustrated and angry at the very fact that I let someone in AGAIN, that took advantage of me and I just basically didn't want to see it happening or at least I was hoping they'll change back to the person I first met. I was lied to, verbally/mentally/emotionally abused and totally taken for granted. I also don't feel like myself, I was pretty content started to get my life back on track (after an ex before him broke my heart) before I met this person and just feel like they sucked that all away and left someone bitter and untrusting. I have become less coherent and more defensive. That's part of the reason I do not want to go into great detail about what happened. It hurts to the point of me feeling so angry I want to explode. It's like my anger has become an defense mechanism. The very knowledge that I was lied to from day one, and had my feelings played with like a toy enrages me. I'm always feeling so angry, so bitter, so hateful now. I feel like I'm not who I used to be. I used to be peaceful minded, happy, kind, accepting, forgiving, understanding. But I feel like I've changed. I'm not all those things anymore all I feel is embarrassment. It's like all of my thoughts are bitter, negative, angry, and vengeful. I want to hurt him, cause him pain, make him suffer as revenge. I feel like the only thing that would make me feel better would be hurting him back like he did me. I just stopped caring about people and I basically cut everyone off because I feel as if everyone is out to harm me. I've started thinking that everyone is lying when they're being nice, that they just want to hurt me. I've started to become massively annoyed when a man comes near me, talks to me, or even look at me. I think all they want is to use me for their own gain, even if a part of me sees they aren't I don't trust no one and their intentions. I've generally just become what you could call a bitch. Practically yelling all the time, being aggressive with everyone being cold, mean and disgusted if I see women being sexually objectified and mistreated. I've been depressed and antisocial and don't know how to cope with it in a positive way. I don't mean to lash out at people, but I've been holding everything inside me for so long. I don't want to hold resentment and grudges in my heart. I'm pretty much appalled by humanity in general. The only thing I can thank this person for is teaching me that I need to pay attention to red flags and not ignore my instincts because I saw a lot of things before it all escalated and I just didn't do anything about it. I think I'm more furious with myself than this person. I want to move on from this narcissist psychopath sociopath and renew my life.

[Hidden]

Hello

I have read your script and will reply tomorrow as it is midnight here and I need my sleep as I had forgotten to take my medications last night and exhausted now.

Hopefully someone will answer you before then.

All the best

BOB

[robkemp]

Firstly, thank you for writing such an in depth prologue about your current situation. It is of course expected that you will feel angry, distraught and betrayed by this person. Its something that will in the long run make you stronger as a person. Although at the minute you may have alarms going off right left and center when a man comes near you, it will with trust and patience become easier. There is no harm with having friends/ companions at first and if you perhaps confide in them a little they may understand. I too have trust issues like this but I am slowly learning to change my habits after 8 years, so I do know it won't be an overnight change. Take care Rob

[Hidden]

I am so sorry you are suffering so much. You love someone-give them everything- and then discover they were never whom you thought. It hurts so much. Cutting him out complete from your life is hurting him. He loves power and taunts with emotions- and you said he can't do that to you anymore! So you are hurting him right now. Making yourself happy and enjoying life would make him even more unhappy. Really! It is not just cliches saying that- you being happy without him really would be the best way to hurt him.

I had a partner I thought I loved. I found him so handsome and charming. And when I discovered pretty much nothing about our relationship was even true- it brought my world to a stop. How could I have been so stupid? How could I have let this happen? But in reality you or me never did anything wrong. If the men we loved were who, we thought they were- nothing we did ever would of been stupid or naive.

I also get angry at women being sexually objectived. It is like the Emepors New Clothes - everyone saying the qualities sought after that objectify women should be sought after by woman themselves if they want to be loved. That is so wrong. Fake hair, lashes, cosmetic operations - there is women out there who think they NEED this- when infact it should be their own choice. And women have to know they are beautiful even without material or superficial assessories. Eating disorders are so prevalent because of many reasons. Not just woman seeking to be among the fashion elite - but more so of woman turning to eating disorders to find control and ironic comforting in their illness and suffering. I had an eating disorder for close to THIRTY years! So I know a bit how they work.

You seeing your own behaviour as not being the way you used to be - shows you would like to change it. Take baby steps in learning to trust people again. Trusting people is great! When they genuinely deserve and earn it from you. You are hurting so much and need to take time to heal and learn to have fun again. Your exboyfriend took enough from you! Don't let him take anymore of your happiness in the future. Pearls to swine. You are the pearls - he is the swine. And what would a swine know about how to treat a pearl? Nothing! You deserve so much better. Please be kind and forgiving to yourself. You sound like a lovely person who just had been through so much that you are weighed down. Honestly - you want to hurt him? Find who you are again- and slowly learn to love and be happy and kick out all the pain he caused you from your life!❤️❤️❤️

[angse]

First of all congratulations that you got him out of your life, it takes strengh to do that, getting revenge honestly not the answer, your the one who will feel the pain not him, its not easy especially when you have been abused before, you did say it yourself, there were red flags with this person, and you did not trust your gut instinct, at least you know you are very aware and sensitive, at least you can bring that knowledge with you for future relationships, don't push people away, you really do need to talk right now to someone who cares, family, friends etc, its best for you to talk and not to keep it all Inside, I wish you well and good luck. Annette

[Hidden]

I know how you feel. My husband hasn't physically abused me, but in the past year it seems he's been playing mental games which is even worse. I love him to bits, but when I finally admitted I had a problem with anxiety and depression it became clear to me that he's been playing with my head and making things worse. I don't trust any men at the moment either and all the so called friends I had through our sport are turning out to be what I thought they were so I can't trust them either. He told me I was bitter cause he's happy now he's moved in with a woman and her son (supposedly in the spare room), so he can think about us. (Need I say he was offered several places to go stay and "find himself" which were a lot closure to his work and with male friends or families, even an empty house was offered to him). I told him that I was angry that he's not only prepared to think that I am stupid to fall for that, but also very angry that he's willing to potentially hurt and destroy a young boys life for his own purposes.

I hope you feel a bit better for posting on this forum as I have found venting my thoughts on paper have helped me.

Congratulations on realising that you needed to get him out of your life. Be strong and don't let him back in. You have a right to feel angry at what has happened to you, but now you need to build yourself back up and learn that not everyone is like that.

You are a good person and you deserve to be strong and happy. I am working with someone on regaining my self confidence in me. Yesterday she told me that the future is about me and not about him. He is the one that makes decisions about himself and it is up to him to fix his problems. It is up to me to decide the person I want to be and make a happy life for me with the friends I want. I am working on anger management, which funnily enough makes me angry that I need to do that cause I had learned to control my anger but with everything that has happened I have lost the skill. I am taking time out to do things I want to do each day. (I am repainting the whole house and am doing all the repairs that he said he'd do, but have been left undo for years. Thanks to my Dad teaching how to use a hammer and the internet and youtube for the DIY advise. :-D)

The best thing you ca do for yourself is to get stronger and show the world and him that you don't need him and you are a better person without him. Show yourself that you are a strong person and find hobbies or things to do that make you happy.

It will take time but you will get there. Turn your anger into something positive, use the energy to doing things that will help you become a stronger person. Try keeping Thought records as to the situations where you feel you can't trust someone analysis it to see why you didn't trust them and them look at the situation from the other side and see if that helps.

Remember you are a good person you deserve to be happy. Every morning you get up stand tall and shout out loud , even if it is in your head, I am a good person and I will be happy.

I hope this helps.

[Photogeek]

Hi I'm not sure if your reply will be of help to the poster. Not very kind is it?

Hannah

[Hidden]

There are lots of links to anger management on the web, try this one nhs.uk/Conditions/stress-an... and see if there is anything there that will help you.

I don't know what your relationship is like with your parents, but they may be trying to help in the best way they can and it may be worth remembering that they may be upset to see you hurt and angry and they probably don't know what to do for the best to help you.

I hope you can find a way to talk to your Dad and also that you can find some help in your area to help with controlling your anger.

[Pandora13]

I am in exactly the same boat as you.

My personality has changed exactly as you describe from one extreme to the exact polar opposite.

Even I miss the old me as if I am someone else looking on!

I haven't been able to let go of the toxic relationship and my problems are twofold now.

1) The mental mess and soul warping consequences of the lies and abandonment.

2) Not having an iota of interest in moving on in my life. I feel trapped. An all consuming depression engulfs me where everything seems futile, fear filled and insurmountable to me.

Clearly it's like any addiction..But where is the rehab for people like us?

[Findingme]

Hi,

I can relate to this as I went through the same feelings myself, and I think the key to moving on is to recognise that the person you are really angry with is yourself, and forgiving yourself.

In order to forgive yourself you need to get to the root of the problem. Do you relate to the following assessment of what you wrote?

You appear to be fantasizing about a guy and jumping into a relationship built on too many assumptions.

You are thinking --- 'Yes this guy took advantage of you, but you know you allowed it. What is making you even angrier is that you thought you had got a handle on life after the last time. You believe it is bad enough being fooled once, but twice is much worse. Maybe you think you had not learned the lessons as well as you hoped. You believe you must be stupid to allow yourself to be treated like this, and do not deserve to be happy. This makes you bitter and angry at yourself. You keep allowing the guy to do what he does because maybe you don't deserve better.

So ok, what is really happening.

Perhaps you have an idealised view of the 'right guy'. Each time you meet someone you try to fit them into this picture, and as long as some bits match, your mind makes up the rest.

'It is like how our eyes work when we only get a glimpse of something. We could not process all the information we take in, so we see the key things and our brain fills in the rest. If you take a longer look gradually all the details start to jump out at you and you see the real image.'

So you jump into a relationship based on a quick glance, then you wonder why the relationship does not follow the script in your mind. You dump him, but keep obsessing about him so do not move on. After a while you forget how bad he treated you and start rebuilding the fantasy man you had built around his initial impression. You yourself say ' I was hoping they'll change back to the person I first met.' but he was never this guy in reality. That guy would not have lied to you. Maybe you even feel that having invested so much time into him he should repay you by becoming the guy you want him to be. This only happens in the movies.

So where does your romantic / unrealistic ideas come from? Maybe you have got an unrealistic view of dating from watching disney films or listening to too many 'love at first sight' stories. I don't think it really works this way, or if it does it is just good luck. Even if you do meet someone perfect there is no harm in making sure.

Forgive yourself for this perceived 'fault'. It is not an intrinsic personality flaw, just that you have had the wrong message up to this point.

I would also suggest you stop thinking about the guy who you just split up with. He is in the past, and you need let go of that to free up your mind to move on. As long as you have no unfinished business that really cannot be left undone there is no point in wasting more time on him. It is unfortunate for him that he is such a sh*t, and he has to live with that, but you do not. The most important thing is to not allow him to rub off on you and change you into someone like him. Revenge will do this. Just let it go. Punch a pillow if you like, and certainly you do not need to be nice to him in future. He deserves to be shut out of your life. Without a doubt he does not deserve any more of your time, patience, forgiveness etc, but being angry at him and showing it is another form of giving him attention.

The best way to change a pattern is to do something different next time. Why not slow down next time you meet someone so you get a chance to see the real person, rather than allowing yourself to fall in love with an image they project. If they press you to fast track things, find ways to hold them off until you have a better idea of who they are. If they insist, that might be a red flag. Be more prepared to drop someone you start to have doubts about.

[Findingme]

I also wanted to say, if you maybe have a hard time recognising red flags, have you ever had a really good and healthy relationship with someone? I don't think I have. I think this teaches us that we should put up with bad treatment. As children we might be praised solely for being kind, patient and understanding, because it allows the perpetrator to get away with being unkind, impatient, and generally busting our boundaries. Patience, understanding, accepting and forgiving are all traits which are valuable but not the whole picture. We also need other traits such as being self-respecting, respectful of others, fair, firm, affectionate, appreciative, emotionally intelligent, independent, available, selfish (yes that too), and we have the right to be happy even if sometimes means doing something others do not like. Ok, this might come over a bit Hollywood too, and life isn't always fair, but it is something to aim for in my opinion.

[Hidden]

Find a therapist who will treat you for trauma. There are new methods that help, discovered in the last 5 years. You can also get help from Dr. Amen.

It is a long process; however, the alternative is to remain in excruciating emotional, psychological, mental and even physical pain.

Forgiveness is part of the process...not because your abuser deserves it, but because it is a gift you give to yourself.