Every day is up and down

Hi, Now this is not typical of me to come on here and rant on, I don't use chat sites like Facebook, cant deal with the pretence. Anyways, I think I'm pretty much at a loss now for sure. I mean I've been depressed since I can recall, Right from school onwards. limited friends all of which I end up loosing as I cant seem to follow up outings and activities with them due to overwhelming feelings of anxiety and up and down swings in mood. The surroundings drive me insane, supermarkets, mess in the streets, filth, smells, lights, I cant explain why. I've been like it for many years but as I have grown up I have become more and more aware that I simply don't fit into the normality of the general crowds. I'm lost, confused, yet I am blessed with a partner for 13 years and 5 children and a nice home. I've been to my Doctors over the years and get nowhere or any help, I loose track of what I have to do and put of appointments and treatment as I feel like a testing pilot for pharmaceutical industry's. I have physical symptoms also, Terrible sleep and polarises, joint pains, IBS, skin rashes, headaches, tremors, chest pains, blur vision, well the list goes on, I hate the way I look, feel and cant seem to motivate myself with this. Strange thing is I have a wide interest spectrum and particularly good at music, woodwork, construction yet I have no training or qualification's and did terrible at school. The bottom line is after some 20 years of feeling like a alien to everyone, who am I, and what in hell is wrong with me, Am I Autistic, or just so depressed and anxious that I'm confused. I wake up anxious and go bed anxious and unsatisfied. Every day is an up and down surreal projection of my inner confusion based on a mirage in a desert of pessimist.

Help....I need to see and counsellor and don't get offered, Who can help. Oh not to mention I'm on benefits so undoubtedly I'm scum. Thanks for letting me rip.


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6 Replies

  • I am just sending you a big hug, be thankful for your husband and children, they love you unconditionally, i dont know what to suggest, i also have never done social media sites for many the same reasons as you, in the last year i have lost people i thought were my friends but sadly not, i have an amazing husband and 3 children, i really love them all but when my dad died suddenly last year i have never felt so alone in my whole life and fell into a depression so deep, i used to think people should just get on with life, didnt understand mental health problems, give yourself a good shake and get on with it was my way of thinking, BUT OH BOY HOW WRONG WAS I, i didnt want to die, i wanted to get better, GP has been rubbish, more pills is their answer, still waiting for CBT therapy, i am getting there it has been hard for me for the reasons already said above, i have several health issues as well, i will continue to think of you and hope your situation improves for you, one small step at a time, sometimes it will be backwards but even then look forward

  • Hey, thank you for reading my post, I glad there is still people out there who have the time to consider stranger's feelings. My girlfriend and children are the only things I really have, I think I would not be here without them. It hard but they keep me alive I am really sorry to hear of your loss, I cant imagine what your going through. hope you find comfort soon. keep in touch and take care, Jay

  • I have had an ok day today, feel very tired now but this is how it goes, i know what you mean about your immediate family being all you have, most days i feel the same alotof the time, take care of yourself, keep going, one day at a time

  • Sounds to me that underneath you are trying to cope with everything in your life. Do you have a partner that can help you with being anxious? Have you ever been to a support group. I have some of your symptoms and use swimming to relieve my symptoms but it is each to their own. I'm sure a doctor could help you with coming to accept your appearance. As you have a partner Im sure you must be beautiful to her?

    Good luck with your journey to recovery.

  • thanks for your support everyone

  • Hello James I hope you are feeling ok today. I'm sending you a big hug and just wanted to let you know you're not alone. I've felt like a square peg in a round hole all my life and like you have suffered with depression and have been diagnosed with anxiety personality disorder. Unfortunately i didn't have a supportive partner. I've since been referred by gp for an Aspergers assessment which is i think the umbrella condition I've suffered with. Maybe you also suffer with this. It would explain a lot of what you posted..you sounded like me!