Anxiety through the roof

Hello. Need some advice please.

My boyfriend and I have a very complicated relationship whereby he's treats me like a princess one minute and then like I mean nothing the next. In the past he has made comments about other women to wind me up, he puts me down in that 'it's just a joke' kind of way. After 3 years I feel so insecure and anxious in myself. I don't like him being alone with other women and unfortunately I don't feel as if I could cope without him- I suppose it's adult separation anxiety/co-dependency. I have a mother with bad mental health problems which is also making me sink.

I do love him and it isn't all bad. Anyway, he attends a week-long meeting every year and he's asked me to go to each one except this year's. I asked to go, I have lots of extra of holidays and need a break but he mumbled something about it not being practical, despite it being obvious that would have lots of free time. He only has 2 colleagues both women, both attached. He used to wind me up about one of them saying he likes a posh bird, her mum and dad would consider him a great choice for her daughter, etc. Really weird stuff which made me panic and he just retorted that I am insecure.

Anyway, during this meeting they have an evening with a dinner for all the clients and my boyfriend and her decided to leave early because they're not big drinkers. Both going back to the same hotel on the same floor. He was a little late ringing me saying he needed a lie down as it had been a long day. Ok fair enough, she didn't want to walk back by herself, doesn't mean something happened. I tried my best not to go into overdrive.

The next evening everyone went for a drink but he went for dinner alone with her which made me panic beyond belief. He said they were out for 2 hours, she's good company but she witters during silences but that's good because he doesn't haven't to make an effort with strangers. It sounds as if she talks about her boyfriend a lot which calms me down. He was late ringing again. I was clearly pissed off on the phone and he said 'I wonder if her boyfriend is giving her shit'. He then made sarcastic comments like 'she's lying next to me,etc.' I apologised for 'giving him shit' and said that I worry that's all. It's the anxiety I can't cope with. Am I a total bunnyboiler? I've lost sight of what's likely to happen and what isn't.

He's very pissed off with me now because I have quizzed him fancying other women before and I think he's sick of it now. He'll either dump me or I'll push him into cheating on me. It's like i don't feel i desrve someone not cheating on me. I know the logical thing would be for me to walk away but I just can't, I love him very much. I just hate feeling like this the anxiety consumes me. I'm so insecure and I've got zero self confidence, I feel worthless.

Am I overreacting? Is he right to be pissed off?

Sorry for the length of this post.

14 Replies

  • Hey there, I've been in the same situation as you pretty much. There was rumours a few years ago that my partner had cheated in me with a married woman, we were 21 n she was 25. I absolutely lost it. I believe something did happen as I had seen the way they were with each other n saw very flirty text messages. Made me realise that I deserve better. Not him. But I went ahead n gave him a second chance as he says nothing happened but I can't be sure :( still not 100% and it's been 18months. I think by reading what you have said your a lot like me. But just remember YOU deserve the best, why settle for anything less? Message me anytime if you like Hun x hope that helps a bit

  • Your boyfriends behaviour is not normal, it's not nice to be made insecure, have you asked him why he does this to you? Learn to love yourself more you deserve the best.

    I trusted my soon to be ex, too much. I never questioned him about anything and it was pure luck I caught him cheating on me, I kept trying to make things work and even though he stayed he kept lying, I'm still struggling to come to terms with what has happened he has messed with my head so badly, I'm surprised I'm still here but I do know I have to put myself first, I'm having counselling as well as on meds.

    Have you thought about counselling? I'm hoping once this is all over I can eventually come off the meds.

    Take care xx

  • My former boyfriend would call me up drunk- well he always was drunk- and would say hurtful things. He once rang me and said in a dramatic voice..... I something to tell you... I met someone... And then in a whiny giddy voice say she was just a friend.

    The thing is besides my former boyfriend being a donkey's butt- is that he had no respect for my feelings. Your boyfriend sounds the same- making jokes about things he know you are upset and sensitive about. Take cheating out of the equation - I still feel for me this is a problem.

    My current boyfriend never attacks me when I indicate I am feeling insecure. Instead he reassures me I am the one for him. I am careful how I word things to make it about what I am feeling other than the fact he is going to an outdoor wild concert with 6 lifelong guy friends who are all single and skirt chasers. Then I don't sound like I accusing him of something wrong before he even does it.

    Saying crap like - she is lying best to me now- is mean and insensitive - obviously sarcastic- but still mean. My exboyfriend used to think it was a joke to call me by the wrong name. I asked him to stop - he didn't. Because he found it funny to hurt my feelings.

    My current boyfriend made a similiar joke once and I told him it hurt my feelings- and he listened to me - and stopped it. I prefer the way my current boyfriend seems to care how I feel. My exboyfriend and your current boyfriend think as long as they think something is cool to say - they don't care if it hurts you or not.

    I don't know what it is but I have even seen my current boyfriend almost want to tell me how infatuated they once were about a former woman or how hot some waitress was when he went out with his mates for a meal. Then in time he learned not to do that with me...

    I would suggest sitting him down and say please respect my feelings and don't even joke around about cheating. And see what he says. If he listens and and says sorry- then that would be good- and for him to stop it all together would really show he got the message.

    You don't deserve to be cheated on nor is there anything you can do to make him cheat on you. That is an option he will come to no matter what you say or do. It is up to the character of a person of whether or not they have an affair. So never blame yourself if you ever get cheated on. But all that aside- you need to tell him you are very hurt when he makes sarcastic remarks when you are trying to confide in him things that are important to you. I hope you feel better soon.❤️💐

  • Gosh, I wish you were around when I was with my Ex. He did all these awful things. I have since learned that when people throw accusations it is usually because they are judging you by their own standards, not yours.

  • Wrk as I am a sufferer of anxiety I would say you need to see your gp they can put you in touch with the right people I would also say that as a sufferer of anxiety and other things to but I don't want to sound odd but if you trusting him or others then it could either be paranoid schizophrenia our a personality disorder but please go see your gp and tell them the ins and out I only got seen by a mental health worker because I told them I would break stuff out of anger and so on and I am getting help so please don't worry about things because you will make it worse for your self any ways if you wanna talk am here Ian

  • My GF is like that overprotective and stuff, this is the exact same situation apart from i dont go to dinner with the girls. I meet them because theyre my mates and i dont see them a lot. She gets jealous because it's a girl but realistically, i wouldn't cheat, especially with one of my mates. If hes seeing them for a chat thats fine but if hes close to them and going out for a meal just him and another girl then thats a twatish move and you should say you aren't happy with it. But maybe suggest going out with the girl and her boyfriend and go from there.

    Some people who have anxiety and stuff(i do this) put others down whos closest to them, so if he does say something horrible, let it go over your head because he doesnt mean it.

  • I am so sorry for your current predicament, I presume that you are working, you sound young. You mention your Mother having mental health problems which does not help you.

    May I ask what if any medication you are on? The issues you are having issues you are having with your boyfriend are cause for concern, I do hope he is not a control freak, the fact that he switches from treating you like a princess one minute and as though you mean nothing the next! Without knowing you both it is difficult but from past personal experience I think this may be due to your present state of anxiety.

    I personally swear by Pregabalin I have real difficulty sleeping and this helps, plus if I have to travel to airports it stops the anxiety. Generally men hate to be constantly quizzed by their partners, you appear to know what happened on the week long meeting, as to why you did not get invited to go when you had been other years is a mystery.

    The only thing I can say is if you need professional help to live a normal life then please get some, you are young and should be happy, a lot of people have mental health issues but manage to live normal lives. My own husband has been a pain over the years, now I either ignore him or occasionally tell him a few home truths. We all need to decide what is best for the long term. In your heart of hearts is your partner the one you want to stay with all your life? Looking back, I am 63, I would have made different decisions if I had thought about living with someone who does not make you happy, plus not being treated the way you should be.

    You will overcome all this, get medication if necessary be strong, and ask yourself what do you want long term. I hope this helps.

    Love Helen x

  • A good friend makes you feel good a bad friend makes you feel bad it is the same sentiment for a lover.

    Your vulnerability will make you doubt yourself but if the overall feeling is he makes you feel bad - (I would definitely feel bad with what he is saying) then try and gather the courage to do what's best for you

    You have a lot of negativity already with you mum listen to your inner voice

  • You deserve better , his comments have mDe you this way . No one should be joking when it comes to things like that, it's very hurtful. Love should not cause him to be like rubbing things in ur face about other women. It's a hard one cause if u need him, he knows it, so is getting away with treating u this way. My partner of 9 yrs has not once joked about or teased me about one single female. If he is going to be with someone else u won't be able to stop him anyway but ur hurting yourself along the way before or if anything will ever happen. He should be supportive in how u feel. Insecurity is hard to deal with n usually starts with how u feel about ur self. Surprise him by starting the gym or go running. Give him something to think about , change it for better for u. Ur self esteem will go up, buy a nice something to wear and be good to yourself x x

  • There's a horribly simple answer...ask yourself if you can visualise your boyfriend as a loving caring father to any children you may have in the future? Then dump him!!

  • Maybe your Mum having problems has left you feeling, like me, unsupported and insecure. Is it fair to be in a relationship with someone just to fill that gap? Has your bf been cheated on before and is now insecure. Is it fair for him to use you as his sticking plaster or to bolster his ego. Is it a bit of both. Maybe with some counseling you can overcome these problems, or maybe make a mutual decision to move on. If there really is love in the equation it is worth a shot in my view. The alternative might involve dragging other people into the mess to hurt each other.

  • Treating you like a princess and then very poorly is emotional abuse.

    When I was a kid I was too young to have my own paper route. However my brother would allow me to deliver the newspapers on his route- and pay me with a bottle of Pepsi. Other times he would fill the cap of the bottle of Pepsi and give me that- and drink the rest of the bottle himself. But I couldn't complain because if I did he threaten to end our Pepsi deal all together and then I would never get even the chance to get a bottle of Pepsi of my own. As a kid this was important to me...

    That is what emotional abusive people do. You work hard at treating them right and sometimes you get rewarded with their love and pampering. You work hard at treating them right and you might be scorned and laughed at You are constant in your love for him and he treats your kindness disrespectfully. And if you have a geninue concern he turns the tables and makes it all your fault. My exboyfriend was a master of this- it is a character flaw that likely will never change. You deserve to loved and nurtured and have your feelings respected. ❤️

  • Will just re-echo what some others have said. It is emotional abuse you are experiencing. Yes I did say that; it's emotional abuse.

    The question you need to ask yourself though is why you would keep putting yourself through this. I have been in emotionally abusive relationships and I know the reason I put up with it was partly chronic insecurity feeling that I needed someone else to validate me (but interestingly enough they didn't do this anyway as they were not the right kind of people) and secondly though its partly the same thing the belief that there was something wrong with my personality so I was lucky to find anyone to "put up" with me.

    If you are having any such thoughts yourself then it is maybe time to question these ideas about yourself. I have now come to the conclusion that i am not that different from so called "normal" people, so I don't have to put up with second best; though to be honest I prefer to be alone than to be in a relationship now (and have done for some time) though I have friendships and acquaintances . I am not saying its wrong to want a relationship of course not, it is normal but if you are insecure you can be drawn to people who unfortunately can play into that and make it worse.

    Gemma x

  • Hi

    Often when people treat someone they love the way your boyfriend is treating you it is as a result of their early life experiences and having not been valued consistently for who they are.

    If you love your boyfriend it would be worth explaining to him how you feel about the oscillations in his behaviour towards you and asking if he will go to Relate with you so that together you can make the relationship happier for you both. Relate usually charge according to the means of the couple. If your boyfriend is committed to you he should be willing to give that a go in order to ease your unhappiness, if not then he is unlikely to change his behaviour in which case you have to choose whether to go on being treated unfairly or to end the relationship as he is unlikely to alter his behaviour in the future.