I presume it's part and parcel of being depressed but things that gave me great pleasure or left fantastic memories with me hurts so much now as I am in a bad place and I was happy when those memories were being made.
I look at my physical and mental state now and I could cry and never stop.
The same way as people block out terrible memories I have to do for my good ones.
Not because it gives me an excuse to be miserable or gain attention but it's the only way I can face the person in the mirror today.
I almost wish the good memories were someone else's and not mine.
From places to food,from days and nights out,to sounds,smells and tastes they all bring it back to me,there are films and music I can not cope with and I have to detach myself away from them if I can't escape them. It's even become as bad that I have changed my perfume and even food.
I do fool myself with the thought of the day I can handle positive things from the past and just feel okay about it I will be turning a corner.
I could be physically sick sometimes when something triggers off a good memory from the past it gets to me that much.
So for me the day I welcome all the good memories back will be when I feel my old self again.
Has or does anyone else out there find this happening to them.
Tell me I am not the only one
Best wishes to all forum members and thank you for reading my posts.
Michelle
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Photo of my identical twin boys on their first day at senior school.
Joseph Saul on the left , Samuel Josiah on the right.
Samuel Josiah is the older one by one minute.
Written by
Michelle1974
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I had the same technical fault posting a picture of my dog. Try as I might I couldn't rotate it on my iPad. Great photo of your boys, they look very smart and you must be very proud.
I understand how you feel. I think it relates to grief of who we once were, what we have lost ( ourselves) and fear that we will never be that person again. Struggling with a sense of identity. Who am I? I thought of getting rid of clothes and perfume as well. I was lost as to who I was/am. It takes time to rebuild.
Fear that we will never experience happiness again in the same way with the same joy or emotion. Sadness over who we now are. Struggles with acceptance. I try and be thankful that at least I had that experience but I know it is hard. I get that way if I see a photo from a happy time.
I think we have to hold onto the fact that we were that person and we will emerge as another. Like a butterfly from a chrysalis. That in future there will be joy, it may be altered but perhaps we will savour and experience it more, knowing how special, fragile it is and what we have gone through.
It's not just rumblings Sarah,you have hit the nail on the head and worded it better than me.
Yes it must be like grief as I do cry and cry sometimes when I can't get away from these good memories,it destroys me inside.
The two people ,who I was and who I am are totally incompatible.
What also hurts is when my family don't understand me,I won't throw away those size 6 and 8 jeans,my best perfume,my gym clothes,little black dress,even jewellery to an extent and even my high heels.
Yes I do know I will never be able to wear those clothes and shoes ever again, it feels that I have put that good,happy and confident person in a locked box that I have lost the key too and fooling myself that one day the key will be found but I know it won't be as it's destroyed and another one will never be made.
I live my life almost opposite to how I used to.
Even pictures of my own children as babies hurt as the last two ( my twins ) I had,I can honestly say I can not remember the half of it but I did practically spend one out of each two years in hospital or if at home then they had to go to my parents as I was just too ill to look after them the way they deserved to be.
I have four older boys ,two who have fled the nest,one who is engaged and has two Daughters. Also I have one at the University of Bath and the other two ,one Is doing a- levels at college and the other one doing his GCSE"s.
Back to the main reason it is that the twins more so than the others say to me ' I wish you was a proper mum to us like others are' it hurt but what they said was totally justifiable.
They spend plenty of time with me but it is always in my attic bedroom where I conduct my who life from and have for years. I become totally ashamed of myself when I realise without the hospital stays,appointments and the odd few days I have been in my bedroom!
As for the photo they DID look very smart until they arrived home,each with a button less on their blazers.
I remember very little about when my girls where little. I think its because its a painfully to remember happy times. Because I want to go back so bad....because I have become aware that I will never be happy again. I wish I would have cherished those times even more than I did and took each day a little slower.
Hello A grand pair of lads, standing on my head like your two lads makes me very unsettled !! LOL
Michelle
My life in the past has not really been a bed of roses, and even now I am just beginning to see a way forward.
When I was young my life was quite hard especially when I entered my teens, I was suffering my first course of depression and I had my first severe car accident.
I do remember being with my surrogate family learning how to cook and using pumice to clean down work surfaces and The smell of washing powder when we were washing plates etc and the smell of bees wax when dusting tables etc The other things was sunlight soap and carbolic and pears soap.
The smell still comes back to me and generally they were happy memories. the list goes on.
In the past I lost most of my memories as they were generally not happy ones especially in my teens and I have just begun to start remembering what had gone on before and I feel distressed on my memories of past life sources.
My past has made me very cynical and I now try and live for the day, so now I have the problem of forgetting what I had done the day before.
Personally I would not worry if my thoughts were good, and yes it would be a wonder for me to remember those past years in a positive light.
You should be happy with your early memories and the lovely grandsons at the top of the page and under those things I would love to have these positive vibes.
I know that the past has gone and many things, positive things like music can make you remember those days of my ballroom dancing and Youth Work, My travelling around the world and the positive negative reactions when in the Middle East, So like you I become in some way emotional as I had forgot some good and bad times.
I was told to compartalise my thoughts and I find that it now works with me. and I am now sadly remembering negative thoughts that darken my sole
If you have positive thoughts be pleased, if negative thoughts are seeping in try and put those things in some form of proportion and if you need to ask yourself can I have done something better. If you see the problem file it away and be at peace to think what a wonderful life it was in the past. Remember we all suffer in some way when we remember when certain good things could have been of putting at that time, your time now will show softness as well as dread
Thank you for your words Bob I understand what you are saying.
The upside down boys are my son's,believe me I feel old enough for them to be my Grandson's. I have two Granddaughters though they are only 12 months and two weeks .
My problem is comparing myself to others of my age.
Out working,cooking and washing,house work,looking after my Granddaughters ( I don't have the ability to pick them up !) it really hurts when I see other family members pushing their pram,taking them out etc.
I try and not think of it day after day and it's not until I see my older granddaughter toddling around that I realise I have been robbed,robbed of my life and all my families life.
I have to get the thought of nobody trusts me or wants me and turn it to how it is and that is it would be selfish to try and do these things as I would not be able to live with myself if they came to any harm.
I could have them at my house providing someone else was there as well but that takes away any special time of my granddaughter and myself being together. Also I have two Yorkshire terrier dogs,one is a tea cup one and can't even bark the other is a bigger one who gets excited and soon calms down when she see's them. If they cry for any reason my bigger dog hides under my bed.
My daughter- in - law doesn't want her children here as she hates dogs herself,I think am I selfish and should I re- home them but then I think I have had them for six years and I am on my own for hours on end sometimes and they are almost little people to me with something I don't know if truly you could find it in humans and that is unconditional love. I don't see more of them if I put money their way or anything else they want unlike my Son.
I know it all goes on in families.
Rambling on again about myself , I had negligent surgery when my twins were delivered and all the physical problems which there are many have given me Depression. I just can't motivate myself sometimes,perhaps I feel sorry for myself but I was only mid to late twenties when it all happened and I was not ready to lose that part of my life.
Then I sit here listening to the hail stones hitting the windows,imagining how cold it is,now it's turned to snow and looks like it may settle,then think of all the homeless people out there in the cities or the elderly who turn the heating off as they can't afford their bills,there will always be someone worse of it's just that when we feel fed up and depressed it's difficult to think like that.
Thanks for the text chat I hope I have not made a fool of myself
Very best wishes
Michelle
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Hi I think Sarah and Bob did really good posts there and I hope they help you. I feel haven't had enough many happy memories for someone my age so I keep trying to build up more. I envy you that you have been in love and have had children as these are memories I will never have.... well certainly the last one.
I think you see happy events in your life differently as you age or because of new experiences since. I look back on the times in my life I was busy and happy (relatively) but I also feel sadness that I perhaps didn't realise it or appreciate it at the time. So were they that good? Who knows? I know I value contentment more now than I used to. And I guess I appreciate still being here with my head intact and still feeling 18 (except when my body or a mirror tells me differently) Memories are funny things aren't they?
I never thought I would make it to 40 let alone 60 (61 on 25th january) so I guess I consider every memory now a bonus. I'm getting all pensive now so will stop!
Bev, you have made me feel better inside and more contented.
If I had never been able or never had children I don't know what I would of done as getting married and having children was all I ever wanted to do.
Do you ever feel like people play on your weaknesses by exaggerating that part of their life. I would imagine that you have more than likely found this yourself especially with no children of your own.
I can't even imagine how you feel and I hope I have not made things worse by my posts.
I don't know you but I bet that you have some very kind ways and have always helped people to the best of your ability.
You are special,unique and have a lovely way of expressing yourself.
Very best wishes and love
Michelle
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P.s I don't know if you are on or bother with face book i did once and it was a soul destroyer for me. Xx
Michelle
Now I have about six months to my big sixty five, and I am just like you, I suffer the actions of my early life to Middle Age where when I was thirty eight I suffered a chronic illness and became retired and pensioned that was thirty years ago, My chronic illness brought on mental health worries that made me quite useless to an employer and have generally done Voluntary Work in Mental Health, and became a voluntary Information officer in a walk in information centre located in a drop in centre for those with mental health problems. The reason I mentioned that was that my memories of good and bad things of my past became lost as I seemed to forget what had gone on in my life
When I was younger before and after illness I began writing Travel Books, I managed to compleate at the wrong time as I had a severe flare and my life just fell with a clatter as I became more and more ill as my medications were not working The Information Centre came out of the blue and that became a great interlude in my life and allowed me to do various voluntary works within the NHS and now I am beginning to extend my interests and when I was in my last village I became more interested in the new Clinic they opened to replace the old cottage hospital, now my interest has extended through my new GP surgery and I will be giving ideas for a new Clinic in my new area, that will include my GP Surgery. My other voluntary work is now changing and I now represent my GP surgery in practice on the PPG and represent the Surgery on several different panels and commitees, not forgetting think tanks. There is little to do with regard to those so I come on here to try and help those who need assistance.
What I am trying to suggest is try and make good memories in your life now, find that interest in Voluntary Work, it does not have to be complicated, believe me if I can manage with my fugg in the brain many can do the same. You will start to forget the negatives and the positives will outweigh any sadness you now suffer from.
Your two dogs are family and the children should be encouraged to play with them. When I was in mental Health I had a Jack Russel and the public used to come into the centre to see the dog. All in the day centre respected the animal and with the dog being there did the members the world of good.
I now have a Collie and sad to say He is not allowed in meetings. I think you will understand.
Personally I seem to be on committees and task groups and pick up others like mad and all take up very little of my time. A couple of half days a month.
All I can really say is be kind to yourself, remember it is no good thinking negative thoughts, allow your self a break there are things, not just voluntary that will give your remaining life a positive attitude. We all need to take bad memories and drop them in a pit. Then try and give a positive attitude to your remaining decades
Hi there seen your story, i,am in same sinking boat as you,But ive found over the years my 3 kids sim age to yours, give me the strength to plug the holes in my boat, they are powerfull help if my life, looking how they are now, And of the past happyer times we had when a complete family, Ive found in life can be cruel in many ways to make you sad and worry, But i find if you think about the simple things in life i.e your kids are all well, ive got my sight, i can walk, hear, smell, And use the loo by myself, plus cook food when i got anuff money.
Weres ther trillons of people around the world who have nt got this, So iam thankfull to "God" every Sunday for what we all still have.
You do as you said need to keep positive things positive,if possible turn negatives positive as well.
When times are really bad it's hard to think rationally and as long as you know that's the time, you are still in control.
I suffered negligent surgery when my twins were delivered and this is what brought on the depression a couple of years later.
I had some 25 plus surgeries to try and repair all the damage that was caused.
It's left me on three different morphines,diazepam,temazipam lots of variou anti sickness tablets to say but a few,all together about 50 tablets a day.
I have a bladder stoma and a bag which will never be reversed.
I suffer a lot of urine and kidney infections to the point now I have to be hospitalised for an intravenous anti- biotic I also go on the morphine pump as well as all my usual morphines.
I spent four months in hospital when the twins were two and that was hard,I would say around 50% of the last twelve years have been spent in different hospitals.
I had to leave my beautiful twins when they were only four weeks for extensive surgery.
In the next few years my Bladder, bowel and uterus have to be removed as my problems and pain are noticeably getting worse.
I have difficulty walking as the pain in my bladder and spasms make me uneasy also all the medication makes me have weak muscles.
The only saving grace is my gorgeous,wonderful,fantastic men and little boys six all together. Not counting my husband of 22 years. I also have two Yorkshire Terriers whom love me unconditionally.
I have bad days,sometime better days also days that I could cry and cry,going through everything in my life like when I thought I was bleeding to death through my catheter, also had so many ab normal X-rays,scans and MRA scans.
Well that me at the moment plodding on,trying to do crafts to keep me busy.
Did anything in particular start your depression off,what is your day to day life like.
Thanks for replying to me and listening to my woes.
You are a great advisor and listener on this Forum.
You speak about mental health with great respect.
Around 14 years ago I trained and became a Home Start Advisor for families in crisis,although it is a shame that they have to get to the crisis bit before.
I had some wonderful families. One of them had a five year old girl and a boy of six weeks. The mother of the children had to go into hospital quite a distance away and wanted someone her husband could call on day or night for advice and have someone visit daily to see if he was ok.
He coped exceptionally well and the mother was home after around 3-4 weeks.
We became good friends and wanted more of a friendship being able to call each other and taking our children out together so I de- registered myself as her HomeStart volunteer,they found her a new HomeStart lady.
Not so long later my ex HomeStart lady and best friend,told me that her husband had been ill for a while but would not see the dr,anyway it became an emergency and he was rushed of to hospital in an ambulance.
It took a day that was all to diagnose stomach cancer sadly he passed away a couple of months later.
I also did LayVisiting for what was then the council,The Registration and Inspection Team was responsible for all residential homes before the new Care Commissions came in and everything was taken away from local,personal and need based assessment to people up country doing not much more than checking all the paper work they asked to be sent in Annually.
Anyway after all my goings on ,what i was getting round to ask is if you are aware of any voluntary work that could be done from home.
I want so desperately to help out there and make a difference or even helping charity's with their funds etc.
I have been diagnosed with agoraphobia and my illness is too debilitating to go out some days.
Thank you for your time again,you are very interesting to communicate with.
Hi Michelle. I do wish I'd come across this forum before now. I've only just read your post and it comes and it brings relief that I'm not alone in feeling this way. When I've looked this topic up previously I've been told I'm just being self indulgent. I have felt this way for most of my adult life and it's very hard to cope with. The fact is that I had a wonderful childhood with a fantastic upbringing. I had loving parents who, although firm, took care of me and showed me much love. The fact is that the feeling has worsened since I lost my mum in 2010. All the while the subjects of my beautiful memories are still alive it seems they're not out of reach. However, as many of my memories involve family members things can only get worse as we lose them one by one. All I can put it down to is the fact that when I was a child I didn't have the worldly wisdom to embrace the wonderful life I had and really appreciate it.
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