Reassurance required

I'm 61 and have been on antidepressants for above ten years, finally managed to come off them last year and have been reasonably okay during the summer but was persuaded by a friend to become Treasurer of our local village hall {part of my being better} but the getting used to ego-clashing of other members has been very hard. One person in particular has been harrassing me because my accounts are £8.00 different (i've got more in my books) to the one he keeps, he is 82 and can't see the computer screen clearly but keeps turning up at my house with another set of figures. It sounds trivial but I'm getting to the point where I want to give up my post because of the way I'm feeling. I don't want to go back on the pills, it took so long to come off them and I like being part of my community again. I have talked to the chairman of our group and she understands but it is really getting me down and making me doubt myself again.

11 Replies

  • Hi and welcome!

    I can well understand that the undermining is having an effect on you and some people can be so petty and officious! Also bear in mind that the person who is challenging you probably is used to be a very capable man and does not realise his faculties may be declining as he has got older.

    At the end of the day like you say it is an argument about an £8 difference but it is his persistence over it which is wearing you down. I can relate to this as my dad is very much like this.

    If you are the treasurer and have ultimate responsibility I think maybe you need to make some definitive and decisive statement to him (ie set a boundary) and say " the figures have been decided and I've now submitted them. Thanks for all your help with this."

    You could put it in a letter to him rather than tell him.

    Then quickly remove yourself from the stressor, go for a walk, go out with the family get a distance from it, look at nature.

    These things can feel very stressful but it would be a shame if you left because of it. If you are able to start settling boundaries in this way you may find it makes it easier and people like him will stop once you've asserted your position. Wishing you a lovely Christmas.

    Gemmalouise XX

  • Thank you and have a good Christmas too

  • what do others in the village think about this guys way of doing things?

    I am maybe drawing conclusions because of his age, but is he at a stage where little things make him ultra-anxious?.. Maybe he is at a point where he needs to share responsibility with someone younger? Is there anyone else in the village who he could gradually share more of his role with..

    If you know you are doing a good job of your role that is what is what should guide your feelings

    (oopps used the dreaded "should" word)

  • Thanks, yes he has handed over his role to someone else but can't let go. Logically I know how I "should" feel (I used it too) but emotionally I feel I'm back where I started, can't stop weeping when anyone is sympathetic and can't stop doubting myself. So frustrating I don't want to fall apart every time anyone asks if I'm okay. feel such an idiot too weeping at my age.

  • Hi Mamam Ah you poor live. I agree with what Gemma and Gnome have

    Said .

    Firstly YOU are the treasurer so he will have to accept your figures. It would be

    Different if your figures were less than him.

    It's your job not his, why is he keeping figures? You are the Treasurer. And

    As for coming around to your house with figures and account , I would knock

    That on the head. Don't answer the door to him and tell him not to call to your


    Maybe he is getting a bit of dementia but I am thinking of you here. Submit

    Your figures and say ' No I don't want to discuss it any more' and just walk away.

    Now as I don't know you and your history I am wondering is there any chance

    That you yourself could be a little Depressed? The reason I say this is because

    When our mood goes down we are more sensitive and are not able le to deal with

    Simple things . Depression can makes us lose our confidence and we second guess everything. . I don't think we would be getting so upset and teary of some old

    Fussy codger. But I know when my mood goes down , I can get upset very easy.

    Hope some of this helps you and good luck.

    Hannah x

  • You are NOT an idiot for weeping when anyone is unsympathetic - that is obviously a painful pattern for you - but do let go of feeling responsible for the likely mistake of someone else! Why not get someone else to look at your accounts and if they agree with you that yours are ok then ignore the problem and let the older man cope with his own anxiety? If he bothers you even then you may have to suggest he also finds someone to check his figures. I would even put the phone down if he rings about it, and if he calls around don't answer the door, hard, but eventually he will stop calling.

    It is always so difficult to cope with conflict, especially when we are already dealing with depression, but learning how to protect yourself from other people's difficulties is part of moving on and something you can learn to do.


  • Unfortunately the world is full of small minded people who see only the trivial.

  • Thanks for all the support and suggestions. I have spoken to him, explained that the chairman of our hall, the previous treasurer and I are having a meeting in the New year to discuss everything. He seems to have got the message as I did't see him yesterday. Also talked to some other committee members who have had problems with him in the past. Feeling a bit more confident now. Regards to all for the New Year.

  • having another bad week, christmas at our daughter's spoiled by my husbands refusal to accept new drink limits now in force. I don't drive, we live in a small village so I'm dependant on him for transport and I'm stuck in the house till he's okay to drive. Just tired of being stuck in and his refusal to listen. He's quite happy sitting at his computer all day, knowing I'm reading but it would be nice to have some companionship. have felt quite lonely of late. Maybe in the New Year I will have to go back on medication but I really don't want to. Just feeling sad and lonely.

  • Hi there . Would you think of learning to drive . It woukd give you lots

    Of independence.

    Hannah x

  • Thanks Hannah, I tried to learn many years ago but couldn't pass my test, too nervous. Just helps to let my feelings out . trying to think positive and send bad thoughts away. Best wishes for the New year.

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