A strange day that didn't really have a beginning. I say it didn't have a beginning because I didn't go to sleep. I tossed and turned all night, thinking about my Mum, and my family, and letting emotions spiral.
I got up at a point that seemed appropriate, and tried to function as normally as possible. I was aware that I'd missed a couple of tablets, so went to the shelf where I keep them.
I deliberated how to make up the missed doses without taking too many, and decided to take half a tablet this morning and a whole one tonight. I've done that before. But what happened next I haven't done before.
I knew I was doing it, but wasn't quite sure why, but I gathered up as many tablets as I possibly could and stuffed them all in my bag. I didn't plan on taking them, but I liked them all in my bag.
They stayed in my bag all day until I went to see my counsellor at 3pm. We went through all the usual stuff; how I was feeling, what had changed with Mum etc, and then I reached in my bag, took all the tablets out and put them on the table between us.
He didn't look shocked, but I think he asked me what my plans were. I told him I didn't have any plans, but that I thought that I should put them in the bin. I wasn't really listening to a lot of what he was saying, as I was so incredibly tired, but he kept mentioning having a duty of care and asking me why I'd brought them to my appointment.
I could only answer him as honestly as possible, and that was to say I didn't know why I'd put them in my bag. Because I really don't know. He asked me lots of times if I was planning on taking them and I said no. Which I wasn't. Not at all.
I told him again that I thought they should go in the bin, and he asked me why I hadn't just put them in the bin at home. I said that I didn't want them in the house, and that's when he offered to get rid of them for me. He asked me if I'd like to flush them down the toilet, or put them in the bin myself, but I said I didn't.
It was all very surreal, kind of as if I was watching someone else having this conversation with him. Anyway, the appointment ended and we booked another one. He told me to call him in the meantime if I need anything. Which I don't, and won't.
I then went home and had a huge sleep. When I woke up I was a bit confused about what had happened and actually started wondering if I'd dreamt it all. I feel a bit odd now, hence my trying to articulate my thoughts here.
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Suzie40
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I'm a bit flummoxed as to why you didn't want the Tabs. In the House, I'm confused, Lucy I think it's the whole strain of your Mom that has upset you, plus being away and anxious
Would not help either.
Why do you think that you missed the doses initially? Maybe you feel your health
Is not important because your Mom is ill, or It could be all you just not coping at
The moment.
I'm sure Sue would be much better here, I am trying to put myself in your place Lucy,
And you know Lucy you have a lot on your plate at the moment.
I could be wrong Lucy , but from knowing you as I do, is it a kind of cry for help?
You trying to say to the world " I'm fragile , I'm not coping right now, I need help "
All I can say Lucy is that I am here for you, you cope with so much singlehandedly
Most of the time, so it's normal to have a wobble now and again. Lucy is having
You had NO sleep and you did something random. You didn't hurt yourself or anyone else, you didn't drive while drunk, etc. it is fine.
I think it was your subconscious mind trying to tell you that you need some support, and instead of formulating it in words and make a case to your counsellor verbally, you poured out the pills, a symbol of "help" that on its own does not work and so you wanted them in the bin to be replaced maybe with something better.
Lucy I went to a spiritual healing class tonight! I was thinking of all of us while being healed. It really felt so good. (Another random thing I found to do on meetup.com )
Now I'm sure the counsellor has had awkward meetings before so don't even worry about that.
What matters is that you slept it off and now, you just need to NOT worry about it.
You have so much on your plate - but you don't sound to me like a person who will give up.
I do hope though that you will manage to get some more sleep tonight. I'm gonna take my placebo sleeping pill now xxx
Oh Lucy, love, you need to take care of yourself here. You're very tired and overwrought and I know from my own experience that things can spiral away from you very quickly when you're in this condition.
I know you have no conscious plans but at some level your fraught mind was looking at your meds and seeing them as a way out of all this, a way of turning it off for a while at which point your meds felt threatening to you so you bagged them up and took them to a place of safety.
I think exhaustion is a big factor here so try not to worry too much or over think this. It was what it was and it may not reoccur. However, if you find yourself dropping into that derealised state again please will you seek help immediately. I've been there and it ended with me hurting myself badly, an action that I had not planned to take nor would I had I not been so far outside myself at that time.
I think you are physically and emotionally exhausted. Perhaps the tablets represent a physical way of trying to get rid of the depression? Of removing it from your life. I don't know. It could be having them with you as a security blanket or an option? Again I don't know and really really hope not. Xx I think you need to keep in touch with us here and your counsellor. If you spoke to one of your sisters about this would it be helpful or not? As others have said you need support in coping with everything that is happening. The surreal/displaced nature of what happened points to emotional distress and of course the tiredness.
Oh Lucy my heart goes out to you and your family. You are very special,
Hi Lucy, I am not sure either what happened. Can you remember did you give him the tablets in the end? I hope so and I hope your big sleep is not because you took them? I don't think you did from what you said but maybe as you are vulnerable at the moment you need to be careful. Maybe check that you only have as many as you need for each day for now and get yourself a pill taker thing with days on it so you take the right medication and not more and not less and don't hoard any tablets of any kind at all. Don't buy any headache tablets or anything like that. Make sure your medicine cabinet only has calpol, TCP, plasters, stuff like that, no tablets.
I think it was stress. Maybe a part of you wanted to feel there was a way out and also another part of you realised what a bad idea this was ( I think Lizard already said this)
If it were me I would find some way of getting a message to my counsellor to say I was ok and I wasn't going to do anything as he will be worried about you I think though I know you didn't mean to worry him; it just happened.
This is all I can think of. When my mum was very ill I did lots of "crazy" things like forgetting my PIN number when paying for things, walking around in a daze and seeing things like a dream ; it is the stress of having to look after her and do everything else you do and all the emotions too.I know it is almost impossible in the circumstances but do try and take a rest whenever you can and sleeping is the best thing as long as it was a natural sleep.
It sounds as though you were slightly depersonalised and went through the motions of protecting yourself because a part of you was unsure about keeping the tablets around, as if you might have wanted to take them if you had been able to feel - and so didn't feel at all. I can identify with some of that happening from my own past.
My guess is that it is all too much to go on feeling about. You are exhausted emotionally. Being unable to feel for a time is a self-protective measure, because if you went on feeling it would be overwhelming.
Just let yourself sleep and continue to not feel. Your mind is taking time out, even though in a way YOU are not. Allow yourself the respite, when you have recuperated a little you will begin to feel again and within counselling be able to talk about what has been happening.
It is good that your counsellor didn't over-react but went with how you were. He will be carrying the worry about you - the worry that you were unable to feel but nonetheless acted upon, if that makes sense.
How IS your mum? I know her decline will be traumatic for you. I feel you have not been able to fully separate from her emotionally in your life, her disowned neediness has left you feeling responsible for her. Now you are taking YOUR internal experience of that into therapy and the therapist will be carrying those feelings - and that is a really positive step forwards, you allowing the other to deal with something for you.
Sounds to me like you have depersonalised a bit. That's when you feel like you are watching yourself and the situation from above or as an outsider looking in. It's you mind's way of coping with everything and feels overloaded. so it's almost like you brain is taking a break. It can happen to people with mental ill health.
Also, if you ahve been getting such little sleep as you have, your mind will be exhausted and therefore even less likely to cope. I don't know if tiredness makes you more likely to depersonalise.
Maybe suggest this to your councillor next time you have an app. You can ask him if he reckons this is what happened.
Try to get some sleep, Lucy. You sound exhausted. Try to find a way to switch off. Watch a nice old film with Audrey Hepburn in it or something.Her films are always relaxing and make you feel sleepy. The thing about today's programmes is that they can send your mind reeling. For exmple I had a nightmare that something was trying to cut my skin after I watched an episode of Hannibal late at night :/. So yeah, best to wait something easy going or read a book (that's what I like to do).
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