I left a relationship about 3-4 months ago, I still talk to my ex. I have been trying to work on my self esteem, but I recently got laid off, and I feel lost. The relationship started out rocky. I was heavy and he would not date me because of it. he did a lot of crappy things to me, and the whole duration of the relationship, (after I lost the weight) he would not kiss me when intimate, or touch me. I moved in with him, and started to feel suffocated. I had (I think) a breakdown, because I felt like I was not "allowed" to do things I wanted to do. He relied on me for a lot. and i felt no affection, and we were always together. He is a good person and means well, I just don't know if we are compatible. And there is a shortage of men out there who would put up with me, I have my own issues im extremely insecure. I have very bad low self esteem, and men see that and use me.
Now 3 months later we are both out of jobs, and to begin with he never took me out, hes more of a homebody. I am also, but I do enjoy being with people, family, and having a drink on occasion. He does not drink. I allowed him to control me. Now after I left, but I cant seem to let go.
I would feel lost without him, but when i went over or made plans, I would either cancel, or go and come home. He always wants me to stay over. He would never come to my place we live 45 minutes from each other, and he has a dog. He said since I left him, he is not going to come to my place. We both have resentment towards each other. Im resentful over me doing everything for him during our relationship and he gave me no affection, and hes resentful because i left and he stuck by me during our relationship even when i was insecure and drove him nuts. I feel bad that I am stringing him along, I don't know what to do. He feels im wasting his time. He now wants to kiss me and touch me when intimate, however I don't feel it, this is so hard, and I am 37 years old. I just don't know what to do. I enjoy being with him, but feel damaged sexually, and I find myself bored with him. Yet I cannot let go. He is only 31. Help!!!!
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Butterfly77
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Let him go for heavens' sake. He doesn't seem to love you and it doesn't sound like he ever will. You deserve someone better than that but the problem is your self-esteem is zero so you don't think you do! So, let the man go - if you possibly can. You don't seem to be making one another happy.
I feel what you say and before I say anything let me tell you, you are beautiful!
Being in a relationship ESPECIALLY when your self esteem is low is really bad. You my dear need to find yourself and LOVE yourself before anyone can love you. Especially a man. He can't possibly love you after all the mistreating he's done. And believe me there is someone out there that will love every ounce of skin on your body and wouldn't below you and make you feel low of yourself. No guy should ever make you feel like that. Especially not touching you when intimate, he's clearly using you, You're the one who supported him and gave him your all. Don't ever settle for less!!
Please take a moment to read this and take my advice.
Thank you for writing me back. Thank you for your kind words. The problem is it took me to leave and have a breakdown for him to wake up and realize how much it hurt me and damaged me, that I pleased him sexually and he didn't care to please me. He says if he knew I was going to have a breakdown he would have changed, and is willing to change. I just feel damaged. He is not a terrible guy, he means well. He made me dinner last night. I just am so scared to be intimate. and I dont know why, he tried to kiss me and I just couldnt get into it. I am so confused by this, why do I miss him, and want him, yet cannot do those things now?
It's exactly what you said that makes you cant do those things now... "you're damaged" the way he made you feel is what is inside of you that makes you feel the way you do. For now if you want to see if he REALLY has changed stay away from intimacy for a bit, for your sake. Until you find yourself and feel good about yourself. You need time to heal and he needs to respect that. If he couldn't kiss you then, and made you feel like crap than he can wait a little longer.
Love is very complicated it really is! it's not as easy to let go of someone and walk away like people say it is. Especially when they're all you got. You miss him and want him because simply you love him.. if you didn't you wouldn't of stayed that long with him and took his bullshit.
But now is the time to step up, and as much as you miss him, think about how he made you feel those past months..
Like he said it's been 3 months almost 4. But in that time we argued a lot and he wanted sex also which I couldn't give, I think I need time alone for a bit, and I, scared of losing him all together that's why I keep in contact, I have not healed, that's why I can't get intimate
I think you know the solution to this but you're too scared to face it..
If he really loved you he would wait. You don't just move on like that to another human being and love them.. your already broken up so theres no need of being scared of losing him keep doing you.
Hi Butterfly
Long time no speak.
The relationship is damaged. Listen to what you are saying; "...it took me to leave & have a breakdown for him to realise...", "We both have resentment towards each other", "I enjoy being with him, but feel damaged sexually, and I find myself bored with him". Do you think the relationship can be saved?
Sorry but you are a fool if you think this is the one & only man that you could be with. Do you think another man couldn't find you attractive or interesting enough to want to get to know you? Do you think your problems will scare all other men away? We all have one issue or another & we all have baggage, I'm not talking about people with anxiety/depression issues but every single person. So while another man would have to deal with your issues you will have to deal with his. But each persons issues are our own to deal with & conquer, others can only help & support. Did he help & support you with your issues? I'm thinking not as he was causing you more issues or at least making the existing ones worse.
It's nice & good that he wants to kiss or touch you intimately now but you know that wont last, didn't he do this before when you had spoken of leaving him? He isn't stupid all he has to do is every now & then be nice & you'll stay until you get to a point where you feel too old to get anyone else.
A man can only use you if you allow them. People only have the power over us that we give them. I'll be the first to admit that I gave too much power to someone in the past & it was extremely difficult to move on. But no matter how weak I felt I had to stay away. That's not to say that I don't miss them, every now & then I do but those times are now very rare & yes there is still a lot of guilt about my part in the breakdown of the relationship but that has lessened over the years since the breakup.
It would be great if he could be the man you want or think he can be but the truth of the matter is that he is not that man today & won't be in the future.
Can I ask, how did the working on your self esteem go?
That is my fear I have anxiety and depression and self esteem issues, I've been trying to work on them, but then I got laid off from a job I've been working for 5 years. I also feel bad for him, he is alone with his dog, has no friends because he just chooses not too. I fear no one will want me with my issues, I know pathetic it sounds, I am a good person though.
That final part of the final sentence, that is why the first part of the final sentence is wrong. Because you are "a good person" there makes "I fear no one will want me with my issues" wrong.
You want to improve your self esteem? I assume you got a redundancy package from the last employer? Use just a little of that & go get a new hair style/cut, get your nails done, go get a nice new dress. Then look at yourself in the mirror & tell me no one else will want you. I bet you wont be able to. Yes it's a little extravagant to spend the money but in all honesty it will help you confidence which we help you in interviews for jobs. They will see you feeling happy & confident & will be more drawn to offering you a job & taking you on.
I thought you had stopped seeing him? I don't want to be harsh but this is a dysfunctional relationship. I seem to remember from earlier posts he wanted sex rather than to be supportive of you when you were going through a hard time and after you had separated. It is easier said than done but let go, your low self esteem is keeping you frozen and stuck in this relationship. It doesn't work does it?
Butterfly again, like Sarah, sorry to be harsh but this is like an ever repeating circle for you. 3 months ago you were saying the same stuff and we told you the same. It is a dysfunctional relationship be it a friendship/relationship/ or "imbetween" at the moment.
You need to get help with the whole thing that you cannot be on your own and have no self esteem. It isn't your fault that you are like this as it will be your history, but you do need to take responsibility now to change it.
Take him out of the equation. The issue is with you and it is you you need to heal. I would really suggest you seek out therapy or if you are already in therapy use "you" as the focus and not your relationship with him. You may not feel able to let go for some time but ultimately the issue is that you feel you need to get your self worth from another person and in reality this is the thing that never works. It is not as scary as you think it will be on your own with the right support as you will start to develop the capacity within yourself to look after yourself; but you will need to understand all the background to this and work your way through it with your therapist.
With love and hugs (I have been there) Gemmalouise (((((())))))) XXX
You are all right. I think I need a real therapist. I see a social worker. Seems I'm addicted to him. And don't want to feel the pain or loss. But everyone is right,
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