I just want to say a hello to all the people who are using the site now but whose names I do not recognise and lives I know nothing about. I used the website very frequently for many months but have seldom written recently and find most of the people who write now seem new to me even though it's clear that many of you have been writing here for a while. I was very deeply depressed throughout last year and during the winter months but am going through a much better spell at the moment and so am not writing. I read what you have written but find myself not wanting to get too involved - perhaps from fear of getting sucked back into my own feelings too much!
To those who do know me and who I know and remember, a hello to you all too and hugs and love.
Suex
20 Replies
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Hi Sue yes I remember some of your posts last year. I'm really pleased you are feeling much better.
Lots of hugs to you xx janet
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Oh Janet, I am sorry not to remember your name at all when you do remember mine! Thanks for replying and your good wishes. x
I'm glad that you are having brighter days than you did before
I am a relative newbie here just having discovered the forum a few weeks ago, I have been welcomed with open arms and am so thankful to the kind people here
I am 53 & mum to 3 lovely children
I grew up with an alcoholic father who physically & emotionally abused me. I then went onto marry a controlling bully of a man & am recently divorced
I suffered anxiety and a phobia as a child due to fear of my father & this has haunted me most of my life
I had postnatal depression after all 3 of my kids which was a truly horrendous time for me
I have good days and very very low days like most people on here but I am so relieved to be in contact with all the lovely people here ... it truly is a lifeline where I know I won't be judged & can be myself
I appreciate you saying hello & I hope you continue to stay well
Thank you for telling me so much about yourself, that sounds like a difficult time you have had. I know from my experience of working with people who had a similar childhood to your own how the anxiety that remains can be crippling after growing up with violence and alcoholic parents so you have done well to manage to leave your ex-husband. Life cannot be easy for you, but the website is a good place to express your feelings and we have each had difficulties that led to our depression.
I'm 63 and retired. My childhood was overtly good so I didn't understand why I felt out of touch with people throughout my early life - people felt they knew me but I felt they didn't. As a result of lengthy therapy I was able to reconnect with my emotions about a lack of emotional interaction with my mother and a controlling father who treated me as an extension of himself so I had no one to be with and was therefore unable to 'be' me. When I was 11 and told my father I hated him and to go away he did. I became convinced I was a bad person but felt confused as I knew I wasn't bad. I became highly anxious in case people would see how bad I really was. I was then sexually abused by an uncle and had a breakdown for 3 years but nobody noticed so I learned to emotionally look after myself. I didn't trust anyone with my feelings until when I was 40 I met a particular therapist who I hoped would be trustworthy and was - my life began. There's a lot more to my story, but I now know I am as healthy as most people and just needed to feel loved. I went back to studying, did a degree, taught psychology, then became a psychotherapist, did another degree and am now a freelance artist but lost motivation to produce art after a fall a few years ago though I am gradually picking up. I am married to a lovely man who has renal failure and hearing loss and have two gorgeous adult children from a previous marriage. That's my brief history!
I hope you find the website helpful and with help you manage to find a happier and non-abusive relationship in the future as it's always better to share life with someone.
Thankyou Sue & yes I am still looking for my elusive Mr Right .. I live in hope
I can identify so much with emotionally looking after yourself as I've done that all my life as a means of survival, when I wear my heart on my sleeve I get hurt so now I am hardened in order to not get hurt again. But at the end of the day I can only appear tough for so long & then my true personality shows through ... and that's someone with a big heart. It's a juggling act and exhausting at times
You have achieved so much and well done for that. Its terrible to hear of the abuse you endured just awful
That's good you are starting to pick up your art again as that will be therapeutic I would imagine
Yes, it will be good to paint again, I have just booked to spend a few hours with a watercolour teacher as I've never learned to use that kind of paint.
Don't harden, that's always sad I think. I have done the opposite and allowed myself to be totally who I am whilst accepting if someone hurts me then that is sad about them. I have found by doing that but at the same time using my intuition about people and what they are like I have found some less difficult relationships though they are still not perfect of course!
Thankyou Sue I will definitely take that advice on board as I don't like being hardened I really don't, it's an exterior I wear like a suit of armour
I don't like feeling vulnerable, I feel very threatened by it
Ooh your water colours sound beautiful. I can't draw a straight line haha but my 2 girls are fab artists, my 19yr old is studying Fine Art & Design at college, beautiful work
Hey Sue, nice post. I know what you mean about not posting so much when you feel ok. For me it's not the fear of being sucked back in, but rather that other people's situations are more needy of people's attention than mine. People on here have been a tremendous support to me, especially last year when I was going through a very bad spell. I log in when I can now, to try and be as kind to people on here as they always are to me x
Hi Lucy, good to hear from you. I find it an effort still to prevent myself from being depressed but whenever I do write then I do get some lovely responses, it's just that sometimes I feel despair about things feeling as if they don't change - though actually they do! I'm sure you will know what I mean by that. Suexx
Yes, I tend to answer rather than post too, and when answering I respond to the content but often don't even take in the name of the person at all!
Oh that's sad about your brother! I don't see my sister either, I went to visit last year and realised there is no way we can ever have a mutually understanding conversation so have let go of the hope now. It surprised me how much I enjoyed hearing her voice, how it brought back feelings of having been a child, the familiarity. I would love it if we could have a good relationship, but as you say we can't choose family and each person responds to experiences in their own way. It must be strange for you to hear your brother and yet not have contact with him, it is sad.
Hugs to you too Hannah, you always say kind and sensible things to people who write on here.
Suexx
Sue I am so glad you are feeling better in yourself and I agree don't let yourself be sucked back down, that wouldn't do you or any of us any good. You have always helped me enormously here and I have learnt a lot from your great insight and advice. Love ya xxx
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Aah thanks, that's really kind of you. I can't imagine that een though I know it must be true because people tell me it is, strange how the identity we develop as children is so hard to change... xx
Glad things are good for you. I think that's the case for a few of the "regulars" who have been here a while - we're feeling better at the moment so we don't post so much.
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