Does it ever relent?

I'm at the point of suicide. The only reason I'm still here is because it would hurt my dad and sister, but I'm actually starting to really resent them for it. Im 28 and cant get out of this house, im so fed up with everything.

Its nigh on impossible to get a gp appointment, I had a breakdown last year and went hospital but it didn't help in the slightest. I actually want to die. I hate myself and this pointless life. I think about suicide CONSTANTLY. I've had it. I'm one of life's losers, the only time im not suicidal is when I'm off my head, and I cant afford to get off my head often enough. This world is nothing but a shitstorm, I see other people smiling and think "what the f are you so happy about?". I've been like this for as long as I can remember, happiness is a totally alien concept. I despise my job, I just dont want to be here any more. What's the point in carrying on when im only gonna end up a sad lonely homeless man, or with luck locked up in a nuthouse. Seriously why?

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20 Replies

  • Hi I don't really know what to say to you btjh. You need to go and see your doctor and tell him/her about the way you are feeling especially the suicidal thoughts. I presume you are suffering from depression and you are not currently having any treatment. You need to seek treatment immediately or go to ER at your hospital. I will say this though you sound very angry. Also 'getting off your head' helps in the short term but in the long term it will make your situation worse.

    Oh just a pointer. Not having a go at you but can you amend your post

    please as swear words are not allowed on the site? I am sure others will be in shortly with their advice.

  • I agree absolutely, swearing is not appropriate on the site.

  • Hi, I've been in the same boat,get help shout down the phone if you have to get your appointment if not ae there are people who can help you . They helped me I've suffered for years now I'm on tablet and I can cope. Don't get me wrong I have my bad days. Talk to your dad and sister tell them how bad you feel get there surpport.i see my doctor once a mouth and my head doctor every two mouths GET HELP

  • Sorry but I actually think I'm beyond help. I can feel myself losing my marbles. You can only get knocked down so many times before you realise it's pointless getting back up. My experiences with doctors are just that they're a waste of time. I've told them im suicidal, they just give me a months worth of citalopram and tell me to make another appointment in a months time. I leave the room, go to the desk and ask to make another appointment, then am told "no you can't make an appointment here, you have to do it over the phone" then guess what? I'm told on the phone they don't have any. The pills just kept me awake for days on end and made me worse. I really truly hate my sad pathetic life. Don't mean to throw it back in your faces, sorry. I'm just a lost cause and I've given up.

    I don't have any relationship with my dad or sister any more, we live in the same place and that's it, I barely acknowledge them any more. I'm becoming more like a horrible snarling animal than a person now. "It will get better"- no it wont.

  • Hi

    You are in a difficult situation and I feel really sad when I read what you have written - partly because you have been hurt and are feeling so angry and desperate but also because you are wanting someone to do something to prevent you from feeling suicide when the reality is they can't. Every time you look to them to do that and they let you down it fuels your anger and desperation. All the medics are able to do is to either offer you medication and see whether that helps you or to offer you talking therapy.

    You do not say what led up to your breakdown last year, whether it was a build up of external circumstances or a sudden unexpected bout of extreme feelings.

    You are on citalopram but I don't know how long you have been on it for or what dose you are taking - I am unsure whether it was your GP or a psychiatrist who put you on Citalopram but if you have only been on it for a short time you are entitled to a review appointment to see whether the meds are suiting you.

    It is unusual not to be able to make an appointment in person at a GP surgery and normally it is possible to make another appointment whilst leaving the first one, but I wonder whether a month was too far in advance for their system and that is why they said you had to phone in? It sounds like there has been miscommunication somewhere along the line and the outcome has left you feeling really frustrated. If you phone and ask for an appointment as soon as possible with any one of the GPs in the practice you should be able to make one within a few days although not necessarily with your own GP.

    You say the pills keep you awake and have made you feel worse - I can imagine how desperate that is making you feel particularly as you have already had a breakdown in the past - extreme stress on top of how you were already feeling will leave you feeling you may tip you over the edge again and I imagine that leads to your feeling desperate.

    I am wondering whether you had a full assessment by a psychiatrist after your discharge from hospital and if so what he/she said?

    I know you are feeling frustrated and desperate, but do phone the surgery again and make an appointment with any one of the GPs, tell them how you are feeling on Citalopram and ask whether you can be seen by or return to the psychiatrist in order to have your meds thoroughly reviewed. Try to keep calm if you can although I know it is easier said than done, but being reasonable is more likely to your being assessed accurately and given the most suitable meds for your needs.

    From the tone of what you write I imagine you have not been offered any talking therapy? Often after a breakdown the NHS is reluctant to offer any psychological treatment unless pushed to do so, but I wonder whether you have been given an opportunity to have any counselling or therapy? Within secondary mental health services there are sometimes specialists who are able to offer therapies that can help you to deal with the consequences of a breakdown so it would be worth asking your GP if he will refer you to someone suitably experienced. Those kinds of services may not be available everywhere in the country but it is certainly worth enquiring whether they are available in your area as understanding why the breakdown occurred is the first step to dealing with the feelings as they recur which they do tend to do although generally once the feelings have been contained within therapy they will reduce in intensity and length of time you experience them. However you will have to push (politely!) for a referral as it will not be offered otherwise.

    I hope you get on better with making an appointment as you will begin to feel better once your meds are reviewed and amended as necessary. Meanwhile welcome to the site and we will support you as best we can.


  • not sure what other anti-depressants you tried, it is not possible to get it right for everybody first time. Like you say having a med that stops you sleeping is going to be counter-productive. not sure what you use to "get off your face" but I'm sure you have read how some stuff will stop anti-depressants from working, or may make side-effects worse, you have probably already heard that particular lecture from the docs....

    Do be detailed---but polite when you see the doc again, so that he has a clear picture, write something down for him if you think you will get too up-tight to say what you need to calmly.

    I had to go back to increase my dose, as the first prescription was far too low, but it did mean that my body got used to the meds without any strong side effects. To be honest if you gave up on the meds after a month, you were too impatient. Expect to take two or three months.... they take several weeks to build up in your system, they are not a quick fix....

    There may be a waiting list for therapy, so get the ball rolling now, rather than waiting till you hit a major crisis again.

    Everyone will have their favourite type of self-help, I'm trying to make mine as practical as possible, because frankly if i try to go into any of that deep analytical stuff i just go into blub mode.

    With the suicidal thoughts, i think we've all here had them shouting in our heads sometime, for me the fluoxetine and sorting out other hormones has given me enough breathing space to begin to find ways to ignore them, i won't say they made them go away, but they tend to drift past, and i have room in my head for other regular day to day thoughts, and some pleasant ones too. with the meds and the techniques i am starting to use, the same old negative thoughts are not as important. and as lots of the self-help advice keeps on saying "thoughts are not facts".

    Anyway make that appointment as soon as poss, ask about counselling, sometimes it might be in a group or over the phone, lots of work places have free counselling services, which don't have long waiting lists. In the meantime google up different types of self-help, youtube is a gold-mine of vids, don't worry if you don't find the right approach at first, some ideas will turn you off, but others will make you think. Flick through some of the postings on this site for postings about stuff like mindfulness and cbt and act. ....And yes it will get better BUT getting there is not going to be an easy ride, it's kind of like someone who has ten stone to loose, once things get to a certain point it is a slog to get back to what ever "normal" is.

  • Hi btjh

    You haven't given up, you're looking for help, that's why you're here. So ok lets help you.

    You say that you've been like this for as long as you can remember, does your depression last all the time every day or do you have up & down moments? If you have any up moments then you know this bad time & these suicidal thoughts won't last. They will relent even if for just a little while.

    Obviously you can say as little or as much as you like, but what is it about you're life that is so bad? How are you a lost cause? Never met one of them & I'm curious to know because I thought I was one.

    Those pills weren't for you. It can take a little time to find the correct meds & correct dosage for you. Doctors can be blasé when dealing with patients, probably because they have to see so many with so many ailments they have to detach I would imagine otherwise they could be overrun. Ok that doesn't help you but we have to be realistic about the help we will receive. There are good caring doctors & doctors that will just view us as a statistic but just because we found one that isn't as helpful as we would like it doesn't mean the next one will be the same.

    So come let the snarling animal out on here - if you want by all means send me a private message & swear as much as you want - if it helps. You may believe that it won't get better but I get the sense you desperately want help & want it to get better. But you are right it won't get better....unless you put the work in by going to your doctor again and looking at other tablets that could help & look at therapy/counselling. Easy as that right? Well yes. I was feeling suicidal 2 months ago, bad enough that I had planned a when, where & how I was going to do it. I decided that I owed it to everyone to try everything to stop me which included meds & therapy. I didn't think it would work and I'm still not completely sure it will but what I can say is that in the last 2 weeks I have seen a difference & felt that I've had a couple of wins against myself. It doesn't mean I've turned a corner or that I've found the way to stop or control the depression. But I have found that it could be possible for me & given me a glimmer of how I can get control. After 20 years of struggling with this damn thing there is hope.

    If you want to finish yourself off then nothing I could say will stop you, but have you tried everything? If so, how many times have you tried? Would it hurt to put your plans off for 3-6 months and try one more time? What have you got to lose?


  • Thanks sue that actually reached me... wow. You just almost described me to a tee, I've become so angry and unpleasant to be around I started to hate myself more and more. But above all im frustrated. Frustrated with how my life has gone, frustrated that i feel powerless to change anything, frustrated that when I do try to do something it seems like it was pointless. I don't have the energy or urge to tell you everything Ive been through, lets just say life's been anything but enjoyable ever. Im not on any tablets and haven't for a long time. I got so fed uptrying to get help but not getting it I stopped trying,IimI'm getting worse. I can honestly say I wont be here much longer unless a drastic change happens. Im a sad lonely recluse who is cynical of others. I tried the other day to get an appointment, was calling the place for hours, from 0830 till 1130, and the line was busy every time till 1140 and I got an answer and was told I have to call between 0830 and 1130 to make an appointment. I knew that but I almost screamed at her "I KNOW IVE BEEN TRYING ALL MORNING". It's not just this with doctors and such, it feels like in every single aspect of my life things always seem to work against me, I definitely drew the short straw in life. Im gonna stop now otherwise I'll be typing all night. Anyway I have calmed down slighly so thanks, again. Why do I hate myself this much? Why am I so angry? I really could effing scream....

  • at lots of docs people queue up outside sometime before opening to be first at the reception desk, it is literally the only way, then just apologise to work for being late.

  • Hi again, I am glad you are feeling a bit calmer. frustration has a way of taking over and before we know it we are in the pits of anger and despair - I know because I have just been there for a few minutes and then realised I was doing it to myself! We partly do to others what was done to us by our parents and other significant people in our early lives, but also we express how we feel towards other people by directing those feelings towards ourselves - we punish ourselves the way we want to punish others, particularly people in the past who were important to us such as our parents.

    You hate yourself because you don't know how to let go of all the anger about your past, and that makes you feel as it you are a horrible person and so you hate yourself. You are not a horrible person, you are a hurt person. When you can accept that and feel really sad about it you will begin to feel more care towards yourself.

    You say if you didn't stop writing you would write all night - DO! use this website as a support as much as you need it, rant and rage (politely of course) as much as you need to - we have all been there!

    I hope you have finally managed to get the appointment? If not then go down to the surgery the next time it is open and make one for as soon as possible, it may not be the next day but if you are willing to see any medic and explain the meds are making you feel ill you should be able to see someone soon.


  • btjh ,I feel exactly the same as you do , its taking me all I have to not kill myself too . I am tired of this god aweful illness .. I hope you find peace .. people here care if you even need to talk I will listen xx

  • Thanks don't ever give up.i can see the best and wish the best in everyone else but despise myself. Why?

  • i don't like myself either, I feel unloved and not part of this world , day by day is all we can do .. pls don't give into this terrible darkness xx

  • Thank you all of you. Im crying atm. I'll reply when im ready

  • I hope you are feeling a little better this morning - crying sometimes helps I know. It is sad that life can be so difficult for some people. Try to take care of yourself today, to do things that you know may help and avoid things that make you feel worse. Write when you feel up to it. Suexx

  • I just was wondering how you were feeling? x

  • Hi fallenangel,

    im actually feeling a lot calmer now, thanks so much for asking, it means an awful lot. Like others here I have good and bad days, just the bad days have been getting worse lately. I've just buried my head into work and trying not to think too much. I've not had any luck with the doctor's, I'll keep trying though. I'm not feeling too bad at the moment so I'm not going to start taking myself down that dark path, but thank you so much for your concern, it's good to know some other people know what it's like and there is somewhere I can vent if I have to. Thanks again that's actually made my day! I hope you're doing ok too, all the best, Jay x.

    P.s thanks to all of you who replied, I was at the end of my tether the other day, but it is greatly appreciated, thank you all.

  • You're so welcome , people on here do really care and it does make a difference when someone ask how we are ... Dark days are the worst I am having too many of them at the moment ,, but one day at a time is all we can do xx

  • Daveadam, as I have posted on another post I find some of your answers insensitive, namely this one; it is not possible to say this is the answer to all of your problems . I know maybe you could tell me to step out of it and it is nothing to do with me but the thing is if I was this person and I read what you have just put I would find it very dismissive and insulting; and this person is already feeling desperate. It reminds me a little of religion ; it may work for you and you want to spread the 'good news' as you see it ; however there are ways of doing that and offering it but not imposing. It is mainly the way you phrase things, though as I say I appreciate you mean well. Nevertheless I am really pleased it is working for you and hope you continue to feel well :)

  • Yes Gemma no one can say " that is the answer to all your problems". We know Angel

    And feel this answer would not help her at all, it could make her feel worse. Ok

    This stuff is working for Daveadam but you cannot assume that it will suit everyone ,

    Otherwise we would not need this Forum.