Back to work tomorrow

So, I was supposed to be off on a few days holiday. Ha. That went really well - Not. Was supposed to be going to Islay with a friend, cycling, having a few nips of whisky, doing some writing and enjoying the scenery. Trouble is, I get very anxious about travel, and like to have everything planned out, but what with work I just didn't have time to get everything straight in my head before, and people said it'd be fine, It'd get sorted out when we were there, and I'd have a great time. I still felt miserable, but I went anyway. Couldn't hire a bike at the ferry port, so my friend had to set out without me while I waited for a bus. A kind lady offered to give me a lift to Bowmore post office, where I had an alternative bike hire phone-number. We got to Bowmore, only to find the post office closed, with no indication as to when it might open again. Kind lady drove me to Bridgend where I could get a bus to the youth hostel in Port Charlotte for about 5.30pm. I managed to get a bike in PC with my final bike hire number and was so desperate to get cycling on such a beautiful day when I'd been stuck in buses for hours. I went straight off, and cycled about 8 miles and back along the coast, lovely road with coconut-scented gorse, but I was really shaky and shivery when I got back, and needed to eat, so I went to the pub where we were going to eat. Ordered a baked potato, but then went to the toilets and vomited up everything I'd eaten during the day (not on purpose - probably because I'd overdone the exercise). I managed to eat some of the potato but just brought it back up again in front of everyone, including my friend who has a sickness-phobia. Got cleared up, drank some water and made it back to the hostel where I vomited up the water and then crawled into bed. Spent the rest of the night lying awake, stumbling out to be sick again, and trying to sip little bits of water that wouldn't make me sick.

Spent the next day in bed, sipping water and feeling weak - so we decided to call it a day and head home. I felt really bad for spoiling the holiday, and for being sick, and for wasting the money we'd spent on booking the other hostels. Because I was ill I didn't feel hungry, so I didn't eat much after I got back. In a way it felt good to have a cast-iron excuse for not eating and for feeling miserable. I liked that I was able to keep track of what I'd eaten, and that worries me, because it reminds me of when I was very controlling of what I ate. Also one of my little cousins is in a residential clinic for an eating disorder now, and that's brought it all back too, as well as me worrying about her.

I've eaten more today, but I had to force myself to, because it's so easy to slip into the habit of not eating, and it feels good when I do, like I'm in control of something in my life at least. I made home-made pizza with my brother's girlfriend, and I ate it, but I feel bad now.

I've not been able to sleep well for the last few days because I've been so stressed and anxious. I just feel that everything is on top of me, and I've got a really busy month ahead, and I just don't want to do it anymore. I don't know what I want to do - I don't know what I CAN do. I feel sick at the thought of going to work tomorrow and I just want to cry whenever I think about it. I can't concentrate on anything and I'm miserable. I don't like change, I know I don't like change, but I just think my life has been one big stumbling from one thing to the next and I don't see the point. I don't even want to scream, I just want it to stop.


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14 Replies

  • You couldn't actually make that up, could you?! I'm so sorry you've had such a crap time of it. I don't know what else to say really. I'm guessing tomorrow could only get better? Unless you fell down a manhole maybe? I did that once ...

  • Thanks Lucy. I'm hoping tomorrow might be ok now that I've been able to eat properly. I hope I don't fall down a manhole!

  • It doesn't sound like you've had much fun, hope tomorrow is a better day xx

  • Hi Carmela

    To me it seems you have some kind of disordered eating problem, which causes

    Depression, I think you need to address that. The holiday fiasco I. Itself could

    Be got over, but to me there seems to be something more fundamental going on,

    And maybe it's time to get help.


  • Thanks Hannah. I have looked at GPs other than the one I am currently registered with, and I am thinking of trying to get some help again. I worry about it though because I feel that I am just complaining and making a fuss over nothing. Maybe I don't have depression, maybe I'm just a lazy attention-seeker who can't be bothered and is wasting everyone's time.... these are all the things I think when I sit in a GP office.

  • I know what you mean, that is my fear of going to the GP too. But honestly by the sounds of your trip I can't see a GP scoffing at that, it's clear anxiety/possibly other issues. But the same worry holds me back. Some doctors are very cynical and don't seem to believe anything that is not squaring them in the face. Are you meaning to go to a brand new GP to speak to about this, one who's anonymous to you and you've not dealt with before? If so I think that would be a good idea because it might relieve some worry about what your 'familiar' usual doctor might think. And even if it all went wrong you can choose not to return to him/her. In a way it's symbolic, it seems to be anxiety/etc itself that's preventing you from seeing your GP.

  • Hi CG. Of course you're not. I really feel for you, because I was exactly the same the first time I went to the docs - I think a lot of people are. Luckily I got a very empathic doctor.

    Depression is such a horribly cyclical illness. It often reminds me of the saying "the devil's greatest trick was convincing the world he didn't exist". That's what it's like I wrecks you, and then makes you feel like it isn't really there, it's just your own weakness. But it isn't. If you really were a lazy attention-seeker you wouldn't actually care whether you were wasting people's time. It's a little counter-intuitive, but the very fact that you worry you're an attention-seeker means you're not. You could ask to see a different GP to your usual one, you have the right to do that. You're registered to the practice, not to an individual doctor.

    Sorry about the holiday. That really sucks. Don't blame yourself though, you can't help being ill! It's just one of those s*** things that happens. Being ill when you're off work can be a sign that you're under too much stress though.

    Look after yourself and let us know how you are :)


  • No your not. You sound in pain so do talk to a GP and do t feel guilty, it's

    Hard to know sometimes what the hell is wrong with us, but please look after

    You and let us know how you are. Sometimes once you make a decision

    It's a bit easier.


    Hannah x

  • Oh your trip sounds terrible. Except for the part where you cycled an 8 miler from Port Charlotte and back? In that moment, for that time alone, and that experience, was it at all worth it? Ìle is a beautiful place especially the Rinns.

    I don't envy your return to work. That is always hard. Usually with these things the thought is always horrendous but once we get back into it, it can go a bit easier? Make sure and let us know how it goes.

  • Islay was beautiful. And all the people were really lovely and friendly - especially the lady who gave me the lift, and the hostel people who let me stay in the hostel after 10am and even gave me the keys to the front door so I could get some fresh air knowing I was able to get back in before 5pm.


  • Hi Carmela

    Sorry to hear this.

    Take care.

    David x

  • Thanks David

  • Hi. Sorry you're having such a tough time. How big is your GP practice? In my experience some doctors are way better than others when it comes to depression and mental illness. You need to keep trying until you find the right one - hard to do when you're feeling rubbish, but so important. Good luck xx

  • Thanks! It's a big step for me even thinking about going back to a doctor so we'll see how it goes now that I've made the decision to change GP practice.