in a low limbo state

Hi all,

I'm feeling fairly low today.

Last week I had my final therapy session and it was a really productive ending during which I expressed anger about the limitations of therapy, cried for loss of the therapist and expressed gratitude for what I did get out of the time we spent together, then we had a big mutual hug - I'd been seeing her for three and half years... but despite the good ending there is a sense of something supportive that is no longer there so I'm feeling loss

Yesterday I went to a cinema where the rear seats are raised so there is a step to get onto the aisle in order to leave. They put a warning on the screen telling everyone to be careful at the beginning of the film, but of course by the end we had forgotten about that. I got up, slipped off the edge of the step and fell, twisting my ankle, banging various bits of my body on my chair as well as the chair in front, and on edge of the step, then splattered flat onto the aisle. I was really shaken up, afterwards my legs were like jelly and I felt dizzy and unbalanced for an hour or two, also very tired. Now I'm left with a feeling of everything aching where it hadn't plus my usual arthritic pain and fibromyalgia pain, so I'm feeling sorry for myself.

On a good note I have lost 12lbs over the past month or two and I had been feeling better for it. I have gained some control over my eating again and am thinking more about whether I am hungry or eating for comfort.

Monday I am seeing the mental health recovery team for an assessment appointment. I feel uncertain how to explain to them why I asked to be referred - I've already had a 10 minute rubbishy appointment with someone who then referred me to the wrong place; then a very helpful chat with a duty worker and was referred to somewhere else; then had a one hour assessment appointment with someone who was poor at assessing and asked closed questions, jumped to all sorts of incorrect assumptions and didn't seem to understand me at all and then referred me to the wrong place. When I heard nothing after 4 weeks I phoned and found out, so I was then referred to the recovery team where I am due to go Monday. I feel as if I have already been passed around and have told my story several times but got nowhere so I do not feel optimistic about tomorrow's appointment but am trying to keep an open mind. I have a complex history of childhood trauma and then therapies so I'm going to get something down on paper in a short form so they can make sense of it. Tuesday I am due to see a physio about the joint problems and there's a similar pattern in that the first time I was referred I saw a trainee for 5 minutes, she went to talk to someone, came back and gave me a one page exercise sheet - not a helpful process for intense prolonged pain. I wonder whether this time will be any better but I'm trying to keep an open mind about this appointment.

Otherwise not much is happening for me apart from my e-baying - I did go to a jazz club with a friend last night but saw someone I miss very much and that opened up a huge amount of grief so I cried for several house after waking and have felt low all day.

I hope those of you who know me will understand what I've written. Sorry I haven't been very interactive lately, I have been struggling to find a sense of purpose much of the time.


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25 Replies

  • Hello Sue, Oh I am so sorry to hear of your fall last night; that sounds very painful and upsetting for you. I understand about the appointment things as well; it has happened to me a lot and leaves me feeling frustrated and rather misunderstood and alone . Please no need to apologise for anything; just sorry to hear of all these things happening for you at the moment. Hope you manage to get a reasonable rest and sleep tonight and best of luck for Tuesday. Take good care, Gemmalouise x

  • Thanks Gemma, Suex

  • You do sound down Sue. Sorry about that. Had to laugh about the step - laughing with you not at you. It's exactly the sort of thing I do :) I once woke up with a sense of purpose many years ago, Went into work and told a colleague. She looked at me and said 'oh dear'. I said 'yes must stop that happening again'. We just cracked up laughing.

    Hope I have cheered you up my love :d Take care x

  • Thanks. It never used to be the sort of thing I would do as I always had great body boundaries, but since a major fall a few years ago my balance has gone and I often feel a bit shaky, it aged me overnight. Thanks for your good wishes, Suex

  • Sue, you mentioned a while ago that you were treated for low B12 levels but that they then seemed to be okay - loss of balance is one of the symptoms of B12 deficiency.

    The test done in this country doesn't focus on the active form of B12 so although it may look as if your levels are okay possibly they aren't.

    I had a fall yesterday as well - ankle's a bit swollen but not really noticing that because it is always sore these days - but also hurt my hand - uneven bit of surface at the wrong time. Has shaken my confidence a bit as well.

  • Oh no, I am sorry you have had a fall as well, and another friend of mine fell and dislocated her shoulder a few days ago - what a lot we are! Thanks for the info about B12 deficiency, next time I see my GP I will ask her if it is possible to do more tests - I also have noticeable hair thinning at the top and think that's connected with thyroid deficiency but got nowhere when asking about that... Suex

  • Thinning hair cold also be B12


    Significant numbers of people with B12 deficiency do, unfortunately remain symptomatic even after replacement appears to have restored levels to 'normal'

  • I didn't know that, thanks for info, I will see GP!x

  • I doubt your GP will be aware either - suggest you print out the PAS symptom checker - tick the ones that are relevant and take that with you when you go to see your GP - don't think the link is a members only one

  • Yes, I have at least half the symptoms so will do that. x

  • Sue that's bad news about the fall - did you need to go to hospital? Great news about the weight loss and I completely get where you're coming from with regards the comfort eating. I would say about 80% of the time I eat, I'm not actually hungry. I'm so worried about my therapy ending, I think I'll probably see if I can go private when it does. Don't beat yourself up about not feeling on top form, we're all entitled to feel like it. It's great news that you were chosen to be the administrator - you'll do a great job xx

  • Do talk with the therapist about how you feel about therapy ending and if you go privately you might consider seeing an analytic therapist for a time-limited period? Thanks for your confidence in me re: the administrator role. Suex

  • Hi, oh Thanks Lucy, that's kind of you. No, not hospital and in fact this fall wasn't such a bad one - nothing compared with the major one a few years back, but bodily I'm left hurting all over and because I already have the joint problems it makes them immediately flare up. Yes, I graze all evening. I began trying the 5:2 diet and although I lost a few pounds it didn't continue to help and I found the intermittent days not as easy, I'm very much an all or nothing kind of person, so now I'm doing my own thing. It worked well for the 12lbs but since a day out on Thursday and then the fall I've lost it for a while, but as soon as I feel back on form then I'll pay more attention to it again. I want to lose 5 stone over the year and I've done almost one stone already, but need to lose a few more pounds soon because I am due to have a hysterectomy and they won't do it at the choose and book BUPA type hospital if my BMI is above some figure. Thanks about the administrator - today I can't even be bothered to think about it I ache so much but once I'm feeling better I will probably do it fairly easily and enjoy it. I'm efficient and can communicate fairly well usually so shouldn't get too many people's backs up, and if I do then I can usually apologise and put things right so I guess that will be ok. Take care and it's good to hear you have a holiday. What will you be doing for the fortnight? I hope you don't have any preparation to do as we did when I taught in FE, it was completely MAD! Have a good time, I hope the weather picks up for you and we have some lovely warm sunny days. Suexx

  • Hi Sue,

    Oh dear, how awful for you...lots of lovely hot baths with bubbles and relaxing music sounds to me like the order of the day, together with good old fashioned painkillers and a lot of self pampering. I do hope that the film was worth it. :)

    Just as you were finding your feet as an admin too but not to worry, I'm sure we're not all going to get better overnight whilst you take time to recover.

    With regards to your dieting, I think you've done marvellously! :) I am also on a diet but it is very difficult as I actually eat very little anyway, but at the wrong time of day. I will go all day without food and then eat at night...not the best way to lose weight! :( I've had to turn my eating habits totally upside down and make myself eat breakfast plus a small lunch and tea and cut out my late night eating. It has worked wonders for my bowels if not for weight loss. In a months I've only lost a couple of pounds but am no longer constipated all the time which can only be good for my body. Really what I ideally need is a lot more exercise but with depression, COPD and chronic lower back pain I don't exactly find it easy to run around like I used to but my husband bought me a step counter and I've managed to do about 50% more than I was doing so that again has to be good.

    Will be thinking of you and sending you positive thoughts.

    Give yourself a lot of TLC.



  • Hi Lorraine

    I do similarly, can sometimes not eat anything until 2pm and then graze for the evening. I'm not trying to change that particularly, sometimes I do have breakfast, then it's either porridge made from milk with added cold milk and some sugar, or else it's two eggs and 2 rashers of bacon and a big heap of mushrooms. The I sometimes have a meal replacement shake lunchtimes or else some healthy snack type lunch like hummous on ryvita and salad leaves, then 3 fig rolls (everyday, to make sure I don't get constipated!). Then a normal but careful evening meal, and snack all evening on fruit and nuts if I want to. I'm finding I feel satisfied on that, the dietician says it's balanced and I'm (very slowly) losing the weight. Every now and then I do a 5:2 type fasting for a day and just have home made soup then the weight seems to go down but I can't maintain that dieting for more than a day because it isn't satisfying enough emotionally.

    I agree absolutely, what I really need too is exercise, but I am naturally on the go if I have things to do and sedentary inbetween - now I have nothing satisfying to do so do nothing! I also find the joint problems make formal exercise (in the gym) painful and walking nearby is so boring because it isn't green where I live - I hate it here but we can't sell the house, though at least the house is lovely and our garden is VERY green. Oh well, life goes on. Well done with the step counter, I would find that too boring to maintain...

    Thanks for the hugs, no painkillers necessary, just general feelings of physical exhaustion and feeling a bit weak since the fall, probably no serious damage just shock.


  • Hi Sue,

    Glad you've no physical damage but shock itself can be exhausting.

    No, I couldn't do the gym either...prefer to do things quietly at home and not where there are strangers pretending to be interested in you. I'm very lucky...we live by the sea in a small fishing village but it's hell in summer time as it's so popular and noisy but luckily we can stay inside and still see the sea. :)

    I'm glad you have a garden...they can be so relaxing and inspirational. I've just found a website where they sell shrubs for £1 each so I might have to save up for a few as we haven't got around to populating the garden despite the fact that we've been here for 12+ years as we were sharing the house and garden with family until recently and the garden is fenced into two halves. Now we have all of it but neither of us is particularly healthy enough to do a lot in one go so it may take some time. We have just filled holes in the lawn and reseeded it but I can't move flags around, which is what I want doing next so am waiting for the handyman to come and do that and then, hopefully, I can buy the shrubs! Yay!!! :)

    Hope you soon feel better but do take it easy Hun.




  • yes, that's exactly what tired me I think, just the shock to the system as well as emotions. How lovely to live near the sea, I really envy you that although I'm not sure about a small village as I like to go to concerts and the theatre. Yes, gardens are lovely, ours is a picture at this time of year, almost too much colour from all the spring flowering shrubs! Shrubs for £1 ! - tell me where! No it's ok - don't - we have enough already! Hope you enjoy your garden, Suexx

  • Sorry to hear about your nasty fall Secondhandrose.

  • thank you.

  • I am glad you are eating more sensibly Lorraine! Eating once a day is something the human digestion system was never designed to cope with and can give you ulcers or other problems. Because your body thinks it is starving it will go into starvation mode. Your metabalism will slow right down and hold on to fat. Eating 3 times a day will reset it so give it time please. As long as you eat sensibly you will soon be losing weight. Don't forget - dogs eat once a day, cats twice and humans 3 times!

    Hope you are feeling better after your nasty fall Sue. Take it easy and don't push yourself too hard. x

  • thanks for your good wishes. There is some research now which shows eating once a day can be ok - the man of 101 who runs the marathon only eats one meal a day and that's a small one and he is very healthy. But for most of us I agree, our lifestyles mean we need the input of regular energy release. Suex

  • Hi Sue I'm really sorry to hear about your fall. Thank Goodness

    You didn't break something. It's a terrible shock to the system

    When it happens. It must be hard ending the therapy after such

    A long time . But you are strong and you can help yourself .

    I hope you get referred to someone who is good as it's

    Annoying when you feel your getting nowhere.

    I think your doing really well with the diet as it's not easy

    To lies weight , so keep doing what your doing. Also it's hard

    To stay on track when you get a bit down , as we eat for comfort

    Often and even if we are not hungry we need that comfort, we

    Are human and we were never meant to be so inactive. Our

    Society has evolved into a much less active one. Maybe if

    You can learn to differentiate between hunger and emotional

    Pain it will help you, doing something nice to soothe yourself

    When temptation rears it's ugly head.

    You will be a great Administator as you are always so

    Kind and patient. Please give yourself a chance to get your bearings and take it easy .

    Hannah x

  • Oh Hannah,

    Thank you, that's kind of you to respond. Yes, I think the shock to the system is the worst bit about any fall, luckily no other damage. And yes, it can be hard ending therapy but it was the right time so although I miss it I also feel ok about it if that makes sense. I was feeling low yesterday I think mainly because of missing a previous therapist who was very significant to me but I am feeling more settled emotionally about it now. Current losses do tend to bring up feelings about previous losses...

    I know, it is really difficult to lose weight. When I was young I used to be able to eat a lot and didn't put on weight but as soon as I was emotionally more secure then my weight crept up and up fairly quickly - my husband likes very regular meal times and sizes whereas I am a grazer and tended to eat when hungry, so now I have the worst bit of both of those and am trying to establish a lifestyle that suits my personality and my circumstances - I am retired and do very little although by nature I would MUCH prefer to be doing a lot more!

    Oh thank you for the comment about my becoming an administrator - it didn't seem to me to be a big thing but now everyone is saying I will do it well it seems it is maybe more than I imagined. I'm fine now though and feeling back on form again today, so hopefully those feelings will last a bit.

    You always say interesting and useful things in your replies, so thank you.


  • Sue that's great that your in good form today. I think too we have to realise

    That being that bit older means we have to treat our bodies with TLC. It's always

    A bit harder to get an eating pattern that suits you when your fitting in your husbands

    Pattern. I like to graze too and come a regular meal time I might not be that hungry, but an hour later, well I'm picking at everything.

    Give yourself time and when you lose a bit more weight you will feel like being

    More active. So you take care and be as kind and understanding to yourself

    As you are to the rest of us.

    Hannah x

  • Thanks, you too. Suex