I can't leave him, its too difficult

Me and my ex were on and on for over 3 years. It was going well until he started to control were I went and what wore a few months in. I put up a hell of a fight but I gave in because other than that he was great. However a while after more break ups and issues he hit me and I put him through hell for doing thay to me, I make him jelous ignored him and I was hurting him an enjoyed it for how much he had hurt me. Soon after I began to regret what I was doing to him because he tried for months and I did miss him so I went back

He then became worse with what I wore, who I spoke to, where I went ect. Even when arguments were his fault hed twist it on me. Id do everything for him but hed find faults. One day I was sittin down im the fields and hed spit at me kick me and slap me and throw water at me and call me every name under the sun. Hes also threaten me aaying hed slit my throat and break my legs/face and ruin my life.

Today I broke up with him because id had enough but ino ill go back as I always do. I can never accept the break up, Id really appreciate any help, thank you.

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13 Replies

  • Take a moment. What would you say to a sister or a friend in your situation? You know what you need to do girl. Don't go back. You will get hurt, you know this. What happens if you have children with this man? You think he'll stop hitting you or not hit them? He won't stop & he will hit them. Do you want to risk that? Don't give yourself an option. You have to do whatever it takes to stay away, delete all traces of him & don't give yourself the option of getting in contact. You know what you should & must do. If need be come on here every day for the next year or two & we can help you stay strong. He is not a good man and would not make a good husband, father, partner

  • Just read what you have written. There should be no discussion here and I'm sure you know it. It does not even bear talking about . If you go back to this man you are an idiot. I'm sorry but you will only have yourself to blame. I know that may sound harsh and I am not normally harsh but if you have such self esteem issues then you really need to get some help with it. We cannot help you if you go back to this kind of behaviour; anything has to be better than this and I'm sure you will see from my point of view that if you go back then you are just walking into trouble. Get some help for yourself. There is nothing in the slightest bit loving about the relationship you are describing. It is abusive and if you go back then you are saying that that is ok by you. Surely you think more of yourself than this. You don't say where you live or what support you have but you need to get away from this person and fast.

  • I would agree with everything that's been said here. Nobody can treat you the way this man does and still claim to have feelings for you. These types of people do not deserve women in their lives. Do what you know is right.

  • The fact that you said he hit you & you split and on getting back together he hit you worse than the first time means he has escalated his physicality which means he will only get worse & not better. The only outcome for a relationship with a man like that is hospital or the grave or he finds something else to hit (again meaning any future children). He does not love you if he is trying to control you to this extent & hits you. You know the answers you would receive on here. Therefore you know what you should do. You are trying to find the strength to do it. You can be strong. Get angry at him. Say to yourself "How f#cking dare he hit me!", "How dare he tell me what to wear!" now use that anger to stay the hell away. Good luck

  • Well said everyone above.

    From a former victim of abuse...get out of it and stay out!

  • Hi I totally agree with everyone else. You are in a violent relationship and

    You need to get support immediately. I know what you are going through as

    I was in this situation myself, and you know something, it gets worse the longer

    You stay.

    24-hour National Domestic Violence

    Freephone Helpline

    0808 2000 247

    Run in partnership between Women's Aid and Refuge



    Please have a look at this link which will give you Tel help 24 hr. You a Need

    Help as your confidence begins to go, I am not going to criticise you as I

    Know victims of domestic violence become afraid of the aggressor and keep going

    Back , until it's too late. This is why you need help and support.

    Please do this and you will never regret it, you must walk away and stay away

    From this violent man


  • Hello

    It would now seem to have passed over from unpleasantness to danger signs that can be life threatening. Contact the e mail addresses that Hannah has given you !!!

    Also I would contact possibly the police as he is preventing you from living your life in safety. If He is following standing outside the house etc that is against the law, something can be done about this

    Remember He is raising the bar higher and higher and the sanctions He is demanding are becoming worse and worse. Now He is making your life worse and eventually something awful could happen

    Sorry you really need to do something NOW it is really going to get worse


  • Please contact the people Hannah suggested - they will have been through similar situations and can provide you with advice and support on doing something that I know is really difficult but is the only safe course of action for you - both physically and mentally.

    His behaviour implies that he is a chronically insecure person and actually a bully. He is the only person who can help himself to get out of that situation - just as an alcoholic can only recover if the recognise the problem and seek help for themselves. There is nothing you can do for him. You need to take care of yourself.

  • Get out of the house and run for the hills as fast as you can !!!!!!!

    I was in a similiar situation years ago, 20+ years I was with him as every time I tried to escape he would find me and the children, and drag us back. I tried to get help but back then there was nothing. He abused me mentally as well as physically, I've still got scars to proof it especially in my head. I remember how he would rape me repeatly as because we were married, he thought it was his right. The beatings where really bad especially when he had been drinking. He promised to change but leopard never changes spot.

    I finally woke up from the nightmare that I was living when my youngest was about 2 and saw her dad trying to hit me with a hammer. Somehow I threw him out, got the locks changed and had the courage to tell the police. They couldn't do much and as he hasn't drawn blood. So get out from that situation as quick as you can!!!!!

  • I have just come across this forum and it really caught my eye to see we all go through some similarities that we all find hard to deal with. im going through a tough time too at the moment I fell deeply in love with a married man 3 years ago we met as friends of friends and developed a strong relationship we both didn't expect we were in the relationship for just over 12 months on and off trying to call our feelings it was something so hard for both of us to see through we made each other the happiest we have ever been until his wife found out they had a young child together and this was hard for us both he and I felt the need to make the decision of building his family back for his child so that he wasn't without a father I respect him for that and had to move on with my life without him and no contact we promised.. I had a few close friends that knew at the time. 2 yrs on and one of my close friends at the time who I have known for 6 years is now the person im going out with, so after I moved on and cut contact with the married man my close friend liked me all these years and as soon as he knew I was single he tried harder and harder we had a few friends in the circle we hung around in which kept annoying me to give him a chance, I started going out a lot and getting drunk that only seemed the way for me to enjoy myself without the love of my life, so I did it more and more each weekend making the most out of it at this period time I developed an intimate relationship with my close friend at the time this made him develop more feelings towards me feelings I didn't know he had, the weekend came I went out locally I ended up snogging a guy at the club as far as I knew I was single and had a little thing going on with my close friend. He found out a few days later I denied it iv never had to deal with this situation and I don't know why I denied it maybe it was because I didn't want him to think bad of me? or the embarrassment of being called or labelled? I still don't know, I had to eventually admit it the guilt was eating me up we patched things up and carried on talking. days later we got into an argument again over something and he brought it up calling me a liar and a cheater iv never come across a person with such a foul mouth I was shocked I got upset I said sorry like an idiot apologising for being real! tears turned into hugs and we were ok, he wouldn't even let me take birth control pills or any form on contraception he was controlling even with taking any medication which is bizarre..I then fell pregnant but wasn't left with a choice but to terminate so i did and still till this day he calls me about it, it was my choice I knew we didn't have a future i jus couldn't go through with it knowing he would be in my life forever, days weeks later we would fight again he would then bring up the whole situation again adding things that he made up in his mind that were not relevant to what had happened started accusing me of all sorts he would then tell me I was stupid to go out with a married man and that he used and abused me all along he was my friend and knew my past and seemed to think it was ok to put me down over my past, we all have a past but because I felt so guilty I stayed with him and seem to think I loved him? how can anyone love someone that can hurt them so much? iv tried talking sense to him even that gets turned on me and develops a huge argument, sometimes it gets too much for me I have to ignore him a few days later I speak to him and get verbally abused, he can have a really opposite side to him which is very warm and loving but that lasts a day in a blue moon.he says he loves and cares about me i don't understand where this behaviour comes from iv been controlled to who I can talk or see too where I go and what I wear that involves lipstick shoes and jewellery, I cant go anywhere without getting accused and he decides where we go and what we do, I had to quit my full time job to cope with this, these outbursts of his behaviour happens more than 4 times a week iv taken it for 2 full years constantly explaining myself to someone that never believed me Iv been through the circle too many times and now suffer anxiety im now having counselling to improve my self esteem and self confidence..iv changed into someone else iv lost a lot of myself by taking his crap for so long iv neglected my own time for this and only now have realised only I can make that change and bring my old self back..my friend turned out to be my worst enemy which is a shame he knows I hate him but still wants to be with me after all his comments and outburst I don't understand this behaviour what so ever? but that's it we shouldn't beat ourselves up over people and things we cant change we just have to be selfish sometimes and move on and do what makes us happy and take care and involve the people that are good people in our lives rather than waste all the goodness on negative people or their negative opinions..

  • Exactly; so take your own advice. Your man has a temper and a control problem. In my opinion he took advantage of the fact you were in a weak position emotinally at the time. Some people are like this and reading your post I think you now know of your mistake but I guess it is hard being on your own? It sounds very strong of you before to not continue with your affair with the married man so obviousy you have that strength in you and can use that again in this situation.

  • Thank you everyone for your replies

    They've made me feel alot better. I think it maybe because he was my forst love I didnt want.to let that go. I still dont want to but I guess I have no choise. Xxx

  • Omg! just seen this post. You must leave this man. How can you love someone who hurts you like this? His jealousy and controlling behaviour are not a sign of love you know - he doesn't know the meaning of the word. How many times will you go back with him? I will tell you - until he kills you. GET OUT NOW!!!!!

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