This is the only place I feel safe to talk about certain things.
A couple of days ago I went out clubbing with my friends at Uni, I drank way too much, I was barely with it. One of my supposed closest friends then sexually assaulted me, he stayed the night and was doing stuff to me and making me do sexual things to him. The problem is its such a blur. But legally it's not sexual assault (I'm a law student btw).
So now I hate myself, I have nightmares about the whole thing. I lay in my bed and cant sleep because that's always on my mind. He was meant to be one of my closest friends and he took advantage of me and now I hate myself. I can't tell anyone because everyone will just say I'm a slut. But I cant even go near him, the thought of seeing him makes me feel sick. and I'm pretty sure he doesn't think anything bad of it which makes it even worse.
I already struggle with trust and opening up to people and he fully well knew that and abused it.
I don't know what I'm meant to do now. I feel like my whole life has come crashing down, I believe its sexual assault the law however doesn't, But I don't give a flaming fuck he abused me and now I have to live with thus for the rest of my life.
sorry for the long post again. Hope everyone is doing okay.
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Shortney
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That is a very hard lesson to have had to learn and it probably shook your trust in others as well as in yourself. It seems you have investigated the legal position and if you are sure you cannot do anything in that respect then you cannot ensure he does not do similarly to others. This means you have to think about yourself. My first thought is wondering why you drank too much - were you led, did you do it for confidence, did you not realise, was your drink spiked, etc. Understanding that is the only way you can get some control in order to prevent anything like it happening again. The next thing is coming to terms with what happened and I would suggest that you might speak to either one of the student counsellors or else they probably have a rape crisis support service. Do not think that because there may be no come back under the law it was not rape, because if you were too drunk to choose then it was at the very least unwilling sex as you feel raped. Do seek help that way as the experience will affect you at different levels and may have some ongoing effects unless you are helped to overcome the negative feelings it has left you with. My other question is whether you felt badly about yourself BEFORE the rape? If so, then I would, after speaking with someone about the events, see about some kind of ongoing therapy in order to help you to feel better about yourself. You are clearly bright and have a good future ahead of you as a lawyer, so you deserve to have confidence and a sense of self-worth. Maybe you might specialise in law to help women? Drawing upon your experiences can be a good way of overcoming their effects once you have processed the immediacy of them.
The thing is it wasn't rape as he didn't penetrate me with his penis. Although I'm pretty sure I recall him saying he couldn't because he didn't have a condom. So if he had one then he would have raped me. I drank too much out of my own fault, I was with all my friends and we just purely drank too much and I know that is my fault. But I never consented to him touching me.
I probably will talk to a councellor but im so scared everyone is going to say that I brought it on myself because I was drunk. Thank you though xx
As I understand it rape includes non penetrative sexual interference. I certainly would follow it up with the Rape Crisis Team. It was NOT your fault you were sexually interfered with although getting drunk was your responsibility.
No Rape has to be with a penis, with anything else its assault by penetration. (I'm studying this for my law degree right now! Hence why I know theres nothing I can do legally). Thank you I will definitely consider speaking to them, I'm just so scared people will blame me for being drunk. I was responsible for becoming drunk but I didn't consent to be assaulted in anyway shape or form
If you do wish to speak to someone in confidence and not face to face I'm adding a number of the victim support helpline. They are available until 8pm weekdays and 5pm weekends and offer support.
0845 30 30 900
I agree withSecondhand roses post above and think you should speak to someone to help you through.
Glad to help. Victim support offer practical information and practical help and if you wish ,they will support you without the criminal justice system. Perhaps a good start to talk to someone. It sounds like you really need to.
I'm trying I really am, hence why I'm on here I just need someone I'm just so scared in all honesty Ive never been in this form of situation, thank you for everything xxxx
Your more than welcome, and I understand you will feel scared your bound to. I'm pleased you felt able to share it with us. I hope you find the strength to make a call and get someone to talk to, it is confidential
Hi I would definitely phone a Rape Crisis helpline, don't get bogged down in the technicalities. Was the man drunk as well? You have to look after yourself when out as otherwise you leave yourself open to all sorts of danger.
Me and him were like really close mates and that's whats made me feel sick the most, im pretty sure he was sober which again makes me feel sick. I know but I trusted him and I thought I was safe with him, clearly not
I'm really sorry that you have had such an awful experience.
Agree with others that it is important that you talk to someone. People at a rape crisis centre, or on a call number are not going to judge you but you need to be able to get through this so you can put it in the past - definitely not saying forgive and forget - just that the last thing you need is for this to trap you in nightmares and the like.
One of the horrible things about rape and sexual assault is that sex is such a cultural taboo that the victim feels they are to blame. You aren't to blame. No-one with any moral fiber would take advantage of someone who was drunk.
I don't know if this will help but there have been times when I have just been upset (no alcohol involved at all) and wanted some comfort and my boyfriend has refused to do anything sexual because it would feel to him as if he was taking advantage of me. That is a responsible attitude. I am sorry that someone you thought of as a close friend has abused your trust in this way.
Understandable and probably correct that you don't want to talk to others around you but please do contact a rape counsellor. Don't blame yourself or think that you should have done otherwise. You are the one that has had something very wrong done to you.
Reading that has actually helped me so much. Thank you, I wish my friend had acted in the way your boyfriend does towards you. I can't help but blame myself I feel disgusted at myself and im sick to death at him. But I will speak to someone, im jut trying to find the courage right now. x
Culture is a really strange thing and our sexuality and sexual behaviour is so tied up with cultural conventions. These change over time as well as varying from place to place. 40 years ago wearing a mini-skirt would be seen as an invitation to unwanted advances - it still is in some countries - but generally in the UK it isn't seen that way anymore ... and it never should have been seen that way.
Try to think of it as duty of care.
Also, try not to think of him at the moment. You need to get to an even place before you need to worry about him. There are lots of options for what you could do but you need to be in a place where you can really think about them. Don't push yourself to get to that place. It will take time.
But it's all I can think about right now and its driving me insane, I don't even feel like I can go to my parents because I know everyone has said its not my fault but im scared they will say it is.
I can imagine that it is really difficult to think of anything else at the moment - which is why it is important that you ring someone who has had some training and can really support you - please ring the rape support number above.
You are stuck in an anxiety loop. It's unlikely your parents would blame you - much more likely that they would want to do something to the lad who has hurt you so badly ... and get into trouble as a result. You don't need to go and see your parents and talk to them about this until you are in a place where you actually feel you are back in control. Try to remember that. You don't need to talk to friends either but please do ring the rape support number.
Shortney, hope that you managed to speak to someone.
It's quite possible that you won't sleep very well, which means you are going to get more and more tired and things will get more and more difficult. Please bear in mind that you can go and see your Doctor and they may be able to help you short term to deal with some of the anxiety and get some sleep. If you try making an appointment tell the receptionist that you are having problems sleeping and they have been going on for a while and ask to speak to a female doctor. When you speak to the doctor though please let her have all the relevant facts. Her job is to help you with medical problems and not being able to sleep and being very anxious is a medical problem. It would be unprofessional for her to judge you so that shouldn't be an issue. There will be a bit of your mind that isn't going to want to hear that but keep telling it that the doctor has to behave professionally and I hope that helps with getting through the appointment.
I haven't been able to sleep properly since it happened, I don't want to do anything rash, im going to see if this prolongs and then I will go to see a doctor if it continues
Hi if anyone touches you without your consent, no matter that you were drunk, it is still sexual assault. Not rape ok but still against the law. Did you invite him to stay the night? Were you in any fit state to say no? There must be something there that is against the law. No one has the right to sexually assault another person, specially if you were drunk because any judge would know that he took advantage of you knowing you were incapable of saying no. The main thing to remember is that it is not your fault. You have the right to get drunk if you want too, the same as men do. But unfortunately attitudes today are still very sexist. Don't listen if anyone tries to blame you for it. HE took advantage of you not you of him. HE is in the wrong not YOU. If you want to take it further you should, bearing in mind that the price
you will have to pay, bearing in mind sexist attitudes, will be high. Let us know what happens please.
No the law is against me, they would say I consented to the intoxication therefore consented to the consequences of my actions. Which I personally don't feel is right. I don't recall ever saying he could stay the night I might have I was drunk. But he as my closest friend knew I didn't like him in any way sexual. I will thank you, it really helps hearing people say it isn't my fault, truly thank you.
Not doubting your knowledge Shortney but that must apply to rape as well, And it certainly doesn't. I would seek advice from a professional. When you qualify you could specialise in sexual attacks and rape, That way you could ensure other people get justice. And, I will slay it again just to make sure it takes, YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME - HE IS. ok? Hugs xx
I dnt know what field I want to go into, but im pretty sure it would be something in this field now due to this. I don't want to talk to a professional because im like 99% sure they will say I have no argument but thank you so much xx
This site has phone numbers even 24 hr helplines and it's for support in connection with sexual assault of any kind. It looks interesting maybe it will help.
Hope you are well, this is what I believed too. I think shortney thinks because she had too much to drink it won't apply to her but she did not consent and she clearly knows that so it does apply as I see it...
Okay I'm studying a law degree, and you have to prove that there was no consent. It's not as black and white as you think it should be. I have severely looked into this. I know its sexual assault because I didn't consent but in the eyes of the law they wouldn't do anything about it.
Yes, I think you are probably right in this, it isn't that it wasn't sexual assault but that there isn't enough evidence that you didn't consent - even though you clearly did not and would have stopped him had you been sober. It's a very harsh and unfair learning experience, but one many of us have been through to a lesser extent. Suexx
Would Regina vs Evans & McDonald set a case law precedent? Evans was convicted of rape on the basis that the woman was too intoxicated to consent (and the judge explicitly stated this in his sentencing).
Although it's not exactly the same offence I would have thought the principle would be tranferrable. Appreciate you're the legal bod and not me though
I hadn't heard of this case till you brought it up. No it's good! I couldn't find a case that demonstrated that she couldn't consent because she was so intoxicated. Im looking at all of these cases and statutes but I don't know why because I know I wont go to the police. At the end of the day I hate him for what he did, but I cant turn him into the police.
Hi there ,im sorry to hear you were took advanage off while drunk .Victim support is a independent organisation but they have the knowledge and links to all the other organisions should you need them and will stay with you to support you for as long as you need.They will give you the strength .Good luck
I just want to say thank you to everyone. I ended up speaking to my mum and even though she isn't a professional, it helped. After posting this yesterday, I do feel like I can do something about it and go and receive help. So thank you to everyone who just helped ease my mind and telling me it wasn't my fault. I thank you from the bottom of my heart.
I am so glad you have been able to talk with your mum about what happened as she is the most caring source of support and will want to help you overcome the emotions that the experience has left you with.xx
You sweet girl, it is sexual assault, you were not capable of making a choice!! I was sexually assaulted by a medical professional. Honestly you have to do something!!. you feel violated! quite rightly so. dont invert this anger at yourself. They have a set of special police which deal with this sort of thing. They deal with this a lot. They not stupid, they know how men are. Maybe thats the only way he could of got you when you were drunk, otherwise it would have never happened. Men often act like your friend, but secretly they fancy the pants off you. Men dont often do something for nothing. remember that. if a guy comes round with a bottle of wine, he wants your nickers off ya. the wine just makes it easier!. Its called date rape.
Now, fight back dont be a victim!... Go to the police, you will get it down on paper so he cant do it again to someone else.
I remember it happening to me, this bloke got the strongest red wine, and Im not used to drinking. I was so drunk, I dont remember some of it, but he sodomized me, used me like a piece of meat, just moving my body, to get it into position, for him to do as he liked. Like you I didnt know what my rights were. I met him off pof. he was a architect, so called respectable....... Rapist I call him, the lower of the low. Im stronger than you. I decided I made an awful mistake, and would never make that one again. I always drink cola now.
So you get your life back, and hold your head high. you didnt want that. Dont let this go on. Dont allow yourself to be a victim. Otherwise, it will ruin your whole life.! go report it. date rape!!
Ive lost my whole life and my kids because of it and had a breakdown, and lost my memory. Because whos going to believe me, or the doctor!!!
Hi Coatpin, it sounds like Shortney has now resolved this and thanked everyone on here. I am sorry to hear of your experiences and I do understand your anger ; but feel also some of the comments you made about men are rather generalistic, as there are men on here and elsewhere who do not fit the sterotype you have portrayed. I can see your emotions are running very high on this topic but I felt I
had to comment for the sake of the nice men on here and elsewhere, who would not dream of doing such things as you suggest. Gemmalouise
Yes I appreciate what you are saying, but I chose to drink he didn't force me. At the end of the day he has ruined my life but I don't think I can go to the police, I promised myself that I would fight tooth and nail before this thing ever happened to me and when it did. I did nothing. I can't go to the police, I always thought I would but going would mean talking about it and explaining what he did in detail. I can't do that.
I dont feel anger, sorry you mis read my emotions.. my empathy was with her and her turmoil, having similar experiences.
Maybe you were feeling anger and transferring your emotions (transactional analysis) giving my personal experiences, of this subject isnt saying, what you portray. At no time did I say or imply "all men are the same" Some men aim is to make a situation whereas a woman is more vulnerable. ie a bottle of wine.
My emotions are not running high at all. again how can you say what Im feeling??? I have had counselling for what happened to me.
So maybe that was your emotions coming to the fore again.
So Im sorry you got the impression I was "labeling all men" I would not be dating if that was true.
Those experiences are for those who has experienced themselves, who can truely empathize with empathic understanding, without that, you cannot comment,! until it has happened to you!
Thank goodness there are genuine thoughtful men out there otherwise what a horrid place this world would be without them. x
Hi Linda, this topic seems to have moved on now from what I stated anyway. It seems now that Shortney does have more to say and so it wasn't as resolved as I thought it was. It's possible yes that I could be transfering feelings or something that I am unaware of. I was aware of feeling irritated when I read you post and the reason for that was that I felt someone said they had sorted something and then you seemed to be adding something (in my opinion) unnecessarily. I also felt that you were generalising somewhat about men rather than talking about the specific incident in relation to Shortney and that seemed unfair to me.
I am sorry if I misconstrued things and no I don't have any right to say how you are feeling.. I am very lacking in confidence and so your interpretation could be correct; I always look at what people have told me and I will look at this situation and see if my reaction to it was unreasonable.
Sorry if any offence caused. I will remove both these posts if you want me to .Its only very recently that I have started experimenting with expressing an opinion and so I could be rather clumsy or have got the wrong idea. Sorry for this,
I think that its good that you are aware now. the post are going on faster than its showing thats why theres a gap.
I used to lack so much confidence, and you seem a very sweet sincere person.
I found a book that was most helpful in my personal growth, to help with confidence (plus age helped lol) A woman in your own right. by anne dickson. Assertiveness and you. It gives exercises, in the back but its self help book. It helps to change your thoughts which makes you see things differently. its a brill book.
life never promised it would be easy. lets just say pretty girls dont always have fun. it went on for 9 years. He is now a psychiatrist ,,,, now how scarey is that!! a verysick man indeed! needs to control.
This is actually crazy... I've had exactly the same experience, with a guy who I thought was one of my best friends. He states that he was drunk, but I just don't believe him. Even as we were friends he has always been a bullshitter. I accidentally got drunk (I don't usually), and being in the club I remember him asking me if I wanted to go home. I couldn't even nod my head without falling to the floor, but I didn't hear him slurring or having any problems carrying me down the stairs and to my flat in halls.
To top it off and make it worse, I have a boyfriend. I told him straight away. I feel so ashamed because I technically cheated and that hurts my morals so much. I will always see it as I cheated rather then I was abused. I see it as my friend took advantage but I can't really say anything against him. He says I was making the moves on him, and I know I am a very sexual person with an extremely high sex drive - I know that alcohol intensifies it - I just know I can't say I never said that, when half the night was blacked out. I just remember him taking me to bed, after I'd been sick numerous times, and him putting my hand down he's trousers. I pulled my hand away, and he kissed me, that's where everything went black and I just remember waking to him... ahem doing things to me, with he's hands. I tried to come too more, and say no, but he kept kissing me. In the end I pushed him away with little strength tbh and he left.
The next day my boyfriend comes up, and is ready to rip he's head off, I actually was scared of my boyfriend's reaction, we're still together he doesn't see it as completely my fault, but more my friends as he was supposed to look after me. Boyfriend sees it as rape, but I just don't have the memory to say so myself. After all, I saw my friend and he had a bruised bottom lip and scratches in he's arm... meaning that I was liking it - what shames me the most is that I was probably a willing participator I just can't remember and it goes against everything I've ever said and continue to feel - cheating is wrong.
Making it even worse, I have to live with the guy and it's about a year on now, we seemed fine, I just pushed it away, but it's affected my relationship and stemmed my depression and lack of sex drive - I'm still fighting to get it all back, as I enjoyed my high sex drive, and my boyfriend in that way, especially as we are a long distance - to me it brings us closer, and I'm missing out on the vital part. We've tried to sort it but atm nothing's working. I just don't know how to help myself.
Sorry I've explained my story - I just wanted you to know you're not alone, in this. I've had the same experience, and we can fight/ support each other together x
I actually just started crying reading this, but in the sense that it helps knowing your situation is like mine. I don't have a boyfriend or anything, but that's my problem too, I don't remember saying anything to entice him, he knew as my friend that I didn't fancy him in that way and he abused that fact. I remember every time I tried to stop or said no hed kiss me and lay on top of me. I hated every minute that I remember, but same as you I was so drunk that I barely remember being able to move.
I'm bad enough as a bit of a commitment phobe with guys, but the fact that my so called friend done this to me makes me sick. He was hurting me aswell I remember that, unlike you I don't have a big sex drive, in all honesty ive had sex once and im 19. so my body isn't used to sexual things, so when he touched me it didn't hurt in the normal sense, he was rough and I kept saying stop. But like you, he would grab my hand and put it on his penis, I've never felt more violated.
I don't know If ill ever trust someone like I did with him again,
but thank you, don't apologise for sharing your story, it helps. Thank you. xx
I'm glad it helped you, I know the feeling. Is there a reason for the commitment issues? if you don't mind me asking?
Tbh when I have told my story to a couple of my close friends and boyfriend they all understood but I never realised it was such a common thing. It's disgusting just shows you should be careful about who you trust especially when you're not sober.
To top it off now, me and that said friend aren't talking because I brought up the way he is treating me (like shit) and he said he didn't care basically because he's life sucked... ok calm down like no one else has any problems? Just makes me so angry, because I've stuck up for him again my own boyfriend saying he's changed now - well clearly not. Literally threw it in my face the next day - can't be arsed with people like that in my life - so I've cut him out for now.
If you EVER need to talk to me about it, private message me or something. I completely understand and tbh in the same boat so don't feel I'll judge you. Sometimes it's just nice to get it off our chests x
There is but its a long story and one I don't wish to speak about right now, not because it upsets me. Just because its complicated.
And youre so right for cutting him out, he doesn't deserve you in his life at all especially if he isn't trying to make amends. Thank you so much! I really appreciate that. x
oh that's fine, I won't push you, especially not now to try and shift through it, think you have enough on your plate. No problem. I know I needed a friend to extend a hand as the only person I could talk too about it was my boyfriend, I haven't told my mum or family, or many friends and it still embarrasses me to even bring it up. I guess I just see it differently, I just see it as I cheated =[ x
He did abuse your trust, he did rape you, you said no! That is Rape!
It wasnt your fault, all you did was say no!! he over powered you. The fact you only ever had one other makes it a stronger case of rape. The fact he was rough ,,, was overpowering you, and you kept saying no!! he forced you to put his hand down his pants. He forced you , thats rape.
Maybe more of us, should report it, then more men would think twice to try that on. Action against rape! it would be on file reported, so that if they did that again, that would be evidence and he would have to go on the register for Rapists!. violence,,,, against woman .
what ever you decide to do,,, write what you remember down,,,,, its fresh in your mind...when you get flash backs,,, write it down... this helps you to get your thoughts down on paper.
You could write him a letter telling him how you feel, and dont hold any punches. He may not even realize how much it has effected you. At least you could do something like that to give the responsibility back to him. ??
I messaged him last night after speaking with my mum and told him how disgusted I was at him for one abusing me and two having total disregard for my emotions and how I felt. If he didn't realise it had affected me, he certainly does now. I didn't hold back I told him that he'd ruined my life and I now have to deal with this
I have a confession to make, I trained to be a counsellor after my experiences, I have depression because of this experience. So its important to do something! wether its talking to someone trained like a counsellor, who has experiance in rape crisis. or contact the rape crisis center, you can look it up online. Talk talk talk,,, get it out! be with someone who understands, dont forget the night mares ect is post tramatic stress,,, its a way of the mind trying deal with abnormal event,
Again, he took advantage, because he knew you were drunk, if he was a nice person, he would have just left or made sure you were alright. Not put your hands,, down his pants. T hats not helping you!! thats helping himself!
Your boyfriend want to rip his neck off, because he knows what this mans intention was, he wants to protect the woman he loves... so dont let this devious sneeky slim ball ruin what you have, or your future. Stop punishing yourself, put the blame where it needs to be on him. He had a choice!! he made the wrong one!!
We are hard on ourselves more that anyone else would be. Dont let this experience distroy your future!!
I know this isn't my post and tbh I regret putting my story up, I do remember little flashbacks of me... enjoying what he was doing, which is why i cant think of reporting him, they'd be no point, after all, if i enjoyed it, I probably ... I don't know, it just shames me tbh x
you have nothing to be ashamed of. Were human. our body reacts. Your normal. no one judges you, only yourself. Iike I said, no one is more hard on our selves than us. I reason I havent as yet, is, that I would have to go through all those emotions again, but then again I do when I have to explain why I cant work,,, I cant bare someone being in charge of having control of me. Why I dont want to go out, or face people, why when I used to go everything and go everywhere, now I dont do any of those things.. I lost faith in people, they system, who to trust anymore. (people might judge me)
Now well, I do what I want to do, when I want to do it. I look and see how my life has changed. and why. life goes on.
This happened to a friend of mine. But the thing was, she technically led him on by booking a hotel room with him. She just made the mistake of assuming he knew they were just friends. She was incredibly drunk too and it's a blur to her.
Like you said, there is nothing you can do legally, even if he had inserted himself. Because you would have had to have said "no" and fought against him. And if you had wanted to pursue a case in court, you should have gone to the hospital after.
Nobody will take you to be a slut because it wasn't something you wanted. It wasn't your fault. Because even though you were drunk, you couldn't have anticipated that he would do that. It was his fault for taking advantage. I'm not defending him because I think he is a monster but it could be possible that he was intoxicated too therefore he may not have done this if he were sober. It's tricky when alcohol is involved, especially if you want to prosecute.
I don't get drunk with people because I don't trust anyone enough. Even if you are with someone you trust, who's to say they will actually be able to defend you? You can only protect yourself by not getting drunk in dangerous places.
All you can do now is talk to someone. Don't keep it inside. If you can't talk to a best friend or family then tell your doctor and ask for a councilor/therapist who can help you move past it.
I hope you can get past this and I hope this has been helpful. Good luck x
I have a friend that's going through this it happened recently I need some answers you as law student
Ok Tuesday evening she went with this guy just to eat they had a couple of drinks then they left to another bar she said she so drunk that she told him no more and he kept buying drinks she asked him to take her home which he didn't he took her to his apartment where she does not remember getting in his car and going to his apartment all she remembered is waking up with just a bra on she calls him as text him to get answers and he doesn't answer
She says she passed out asleep and he took advantage of her while she was asleep not knowing what's going on he penetrated her why well he bought her a morning after pill and now she feels horrible and can't believe he would do this to her and she is trying to deal with it And she doesn't want to go to the cops and she is afraid of what's going to happen
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