Depression or not ?

Well i dont really know where to start really. i am supposed to be assessed on wednesday on whether i have depression or not personally i think i have been suffering for a while. i have no drive to do anythink i feel useless i takes me ages to get out of bed and this is not me usually confidence has dropped to an all time low. for whats triggered my depression it could be a number of thing i.e. growing up with an alcoholic mother and been kicked out at the age 14 with no family or friends to turn to, having a child at the at a young age, friends that stabbed me in my back, a relationship that has very little passion with me giving my all but not getting anythink back, which in one hand is making me say forget but in the other hand i still try to hold on to that hope. I can feel myself falling into that dark place where i have no emotions towards anythink and become distant simply because i have given up this is really gettin on top as my son can see this when he looks at me even when he has had a big achievement i am happy and proud of him but unable to show any affection.

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9 Replies

  • hope wednesdays appointment is not too nervewracking. the emphasis is likely to be on how any depression is affecting your life today....Have an idea before you go about whether the traditional lifestyle changes and self-help techniques are likely to make a big impact, or whether you think you need meds as well.

    Do mention any reasons you may have for any physical health issues making any depression worse, so that the possible causes can get sorted as well.

  • Hello there, I don't normally reply to posts but felt I could to yours. Sorry to hear your feeling so low in several aspects of your life & I think you've done well to be able to look back & evaluate aspects of your life that I would say are definitely contributory to your current state of feeling. You've certainly spent a long period of time feeling unhappy however I feel you are at probably a good stage to have the awareness & response levels to make some positive changes with the help of counselling & maybe some meds.

    Your relationship difficulties are likely to be making a big impact on your general day to day emotions & maybe as a couple you could seek some help from Relate? Your priority is certainly pushing ahead with your GP & the assessment professionals who can offer you the support you need. Please try to say something nice to yourself each day & hold on to the belief that things will get better , Anita x

  • Good morning camcam.

    It's interesting that you say that you're being assessed on whether or not you have depression. In my mind such a diagnosis can only come from the person suffering. The role of the outside agency is to guide you in helping you to understand yourself.

    I understand so much of what you have written. I also grew up with an alcoholic mother and no one can truly say they understand how that feels unless they've walked a mile in our shoes. I spent my whole childhood craving my mum's attention, not being able to make sense of a world where she cared more about her drink than her children. I rebelled, messed up in school, met a guy and had a baby as soon as I possibly could. Luckily for me I had enough about me to turn my life back around, but I know that time and time again there's not a happy ending for those affected by someone else's alcohol misuse.

    I also understand when you say you look at your son and don't feel able to show him any affection. When I had mine, I wasn't ready to be a grown up. The child in me still craved my mum's love, and having to twist everything around and somehow fulfil a role that wasn't properly provided for me was just too confusing. To try and make sense of my world and in an attempt to restore some order, I left him at two weeks' old and went to university. That's when post natal depression kicked in, but I didn't understand what that was and I tried to ignore it.

    Years on, I really struggle to bond with him, so it makes complete sense reading what you've written. Counselling really helped for me, and although I still don't feel that surge every time I look at him, I know that I love him and I definitely enjoy his company.

    I hope you stick around on this forum and get to know people, it would be nice to chat some more x

  • Lucy that's really good to read your post and you have

    Been through a lot in your life. I'm sure your son feels

    Loved and that's what's important.

    You must have been very strong to get to this stage. It's amazing how

    Our childhood relationship with our mother or father can lead to

    The relationships and paths we follow later on.

    Have a good day x

  • Wanted you to know I read your post and can empathise with this.

    The more we learn about it all the more it helps I find.

    This forum is really good and some lovely understanding and knowledgeable people on here.

    Sue xx

  • Hi Sue

    Hows your day ? Hope your in good form. I'm feeling a bit better

    Today and I'm really thankful for that.

    Hannah x

  • Hi Hannah

    Lovely to hear you feel better today :)

    I'm ok. Beginning to realise anxiety is a big thing for me right now, although I'm making inroads to get help for it. There is help out there for things , I guess you just have to seek it out on good days. Anxiety is a big thing and needs managing I'm realising, as it can be very debilitating .

    Grateful for some sun here, and for now, no rain :)

    Sue xx

  • Being a brain aneurysm survivor (I truly dislike this word but I use to gather attention, which I hope it grabs it from you) and having to go through months -although not as many as the doctors had told me it would take me- of therapy, I would say I know what you are talking -and afraid of- about yet there are several things your writings show. The first, and I think most visible, is the fact that you know identify what your "lacking of" are. I am a believer of medical prevention but for some reason the way you describe yourself makes me believe that a medication would just not do, since you know the areas that need a little "umph" to carry on, why don't you make a conscious "tri".

    Let us go back to the time when you began walking (although you may not remember it, you don't have to as surely you have seen kids doing it), close your eyes and picture yourself as a baby, getting up and trying to stay up but despise your will and effort you keep on falling on your butt, now think about it consciously, what do you think makes you want to get up and walk, think hard and write down what would the motive to walk a baby has (it truly is only one), then close your eyes and go back again to the "baby-stage", now that you know what the motive is to walk, the next question is, how many tries would you give yourself before you just plainly give up and quit trying; write down your answer, (again the answer is only one).

    What we have is that you (and ever body else) wanted to lean to walk to able to move from one place to the next (or as it is widely known, to become a "walk-and-destroy" type of being, good enough reason for me to walk), and the last answer you gave yourself at that age was "as many as I need".

    In short, what you have deep inside of you is an invincible, never giving up type of personality, embrace it once again, it is not easy but, then again, it is not that hard either. To get out of bed all it takes is to stick a foot (ok, a whole leg) out of the covers, but to do that, you need a reason. Go back to your baby-stage, the goal, then, must have been that toy or that candy, today is, simply getting away from that one that does not have any drive to do anything, you are more than that person, and you know it.

    You also know what to stay away from and what behavior no to adopt, alcoholism; you know you do not want to go there, so don't.

    Now, about relationships, would you like anybody to stay with you just because he -they- expect something from you? That would be kind of rotten, wouldn't it? One of my, then, therapy buddies (whom besides being also a brain aneurysm survivor, was also paraplegic, and after the therapy session were done, never saw again) once gave me a poem, but first told me, from today on don't ever do anything that you do not want to do with passion‎, and better advise does not exist, there is no pill available that will give you will (it may give you a boost, but in the big picture of things, the desire must come from deep within yourself, anything else will be a fake high).

    Finally, your son. On one of my therapy sessions I was told, life is a gift, and you could have lost it on that episode of yours, it comes in a package, some call it "good and bad", in which one without the other can not exist. When things get tough for you, just think about breathing, hold it for as long as you can possibly do it, holding until you body tells you it needs the oxygen you are depriving it from and when you inhale fell the wonder of life flowing throughout you, enjoy it, see how ephemeral it fells it is when you exhale all those toxins that you (your body, life nature way to tell you) it still needs you. When down, repeat and many times as needed until you realize that there are out here people whom, at that very moment despite all of their efforts, will quit doing it. Once you appreciate, this (it takes seconds to do it) look at your son, he is your master piece and needs the very best you can give him, even if you feel it is not there for you at that moment, it is best for him to see an honest effort that to show him a pill induced smile.

    Wednesday is your doctor's appointment, breath today, give it "tri", given your stage it may need a "umph", see it come together, all it takes is a small step, and do not wait for any body to pat your back -you do not need it- see how good it feels to tri-umph and then smile, because that is the first step to leave behind the indolent one and bring forward the triumphant one.

    I would wish you luck but your writing is evidence enough you are a winner, and luck was invented by the resource less ones to justify the achievements of the doers.

  • Hello

    Life can be hard work for some people, we can never choose our families, although some would say when ready to be reborn we sit in heaven on a cloud looking down on the place on earth we want to live in, then we choose a family that we feel will begin our new life choices with. We are put on this planet to learn and I can imagine those we we have just left on the Astral plain are celebrating our re- birthday as we begin the life of hard knocks that have been presented to us.

    One thing that gets me, is if I do not learn from this life I would need to come back possibly as a dog or cat, those thoughts do my head in

    What I am saying in a roundabout way life is learning, we learn mistakes from families as a child, we have brothers and sisters they in their own right have there own issues that can come back and give a nipe to other brothers and sisters.

    Parents, they can be just as bad, they learn from their parents and eventually that baggage can be transmitted down to further generations, including us all. Families as a unit will all have problems, caused be generations before. We, a ,family sometimes does never show itself until the door is locked, it is the same as living together or getting married. We never know what that partner is until the front door is locked and we become part alone with our own thoughts and baggage. .As our new partner has also that baggage from their own earlier generations One thing we need to do is never look at your family are perfect, none are and this is a theme that can transmit throughout generations, the failings of parents will most probably extend to their children.

    Now it is up to us to learn from those errors and failures that have now past, we try and learn from a collection of Questionable pasts., no wonder we become depressed. Remember we are here to learn we should never look back, just forward, If you look back we are possibly procreating another persons life, not our own.when we learn this we begin to realize we are in control and we are not trapped any more.

    Live your life for what you are, not for what other family members were, it took me many years to realize that. We make decisions that fail, we hang onto shirt tails that should rip away

    So when you go to the interview to be depressed, remember you have their permission to be happy. Mind I am still looking for that golden cloud


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