Joshua

[kneppjos]

Looking for some feedback, even if it's just to make me feel better. I'm 19, living with 2 roommates, full time job, and student. I'm not very good at talking about myself, but I'm tired of feeling so alone all the time. I don't talk to my friends about my problems, and I've never felt like I could. They're good friends and all, I just always feel like I'm looking for attention when I talk about myself and that they won't believe me. I've noticed that my happiness depends on my best friend and when we aren't hanging out, or don't have plans in the near future, I begin to feel lonely and depressed. When my friends have plans that don't involve me or aren't as excited about something as I am, I begin to think they're mad at me automatically. I constantly feel like I have to be buying people things or doing things for them to get them to like me, even if they've been my friends for years. I feel like no one cares about me, or notices me. I just want someone, a friend, or a family member, to notice me. I want to feel like someone cares about me and that if I dropped off the face of the earth someone would care. I'm always going out of my way to do things for people, especially my roommates. From things like surprising them with their favorite drinks, and leaving them notes, all the way to covering some of their move in expenses because I knew they were struggling. I feel so alone all the time, and it's starting to get to me. I just want to be happy again for more than an hour at a time.

[wallflower_fairy]

Hi Joshua,

I just want to start off by saying: I notice you - and from one 19 year old student to another 'I'm here I'm listening' if you ever want to talk.

In terms of feeling alone, that's something I can relate to as well - my flatmates are all lovely people, and I think (or hope), that things are going to get better from here on, but I had a lot of trouble finding common interests with them to begin with. Adjusting to living with them in semester 1 was hard, and even though a lot of things that happened is probably just 'water under the bridge' to them now, I am still worried about what they think and making a good impression (although I am learning not to be), for no good reason, when I walked into the kitchen yesterday 2 of them where there, both who have a strong bond and for some reason I started to feel apprehensive and panicky. I don't think they noticed, but it certainly caused me concern, any way, that's my own issue and I'm getting help with the uni and going to start working on this anxiety soon, so things can get better.

But I guess the point I was, incoherently, trying to make was that, it is hard to guise what's going on in people's heads or why they behave a certain way. I'm not excusing their behaviour, but some of it could be down to trying to settle back in to uni or things going on in their own personal lives - I know that's an obvious statement to make - and probably one you've heard before, but don't forget this because it's important. It's hard to speculate on what I have to go on but perhaps it's simply an issue that you don't have as many common interests with some of your friends as you thought you did, or you used to - if there is one very hard lesson I have learnt over the past few years of growing up is that, people change. In terms of own friendships, the ones I have now are pretty new - I only have 2 left from earlier days, one who is my constant, who I have known all my life; the other who keeps cancelling arrangements and is about as reliable as a chocolate teapot, but for some reason she keeps coming back to me, and I let her because I do enjoy the little time I spend with her. Very sadly, I lost a lot of other friends, ones who I thought, at one time or another, I was going to be in contact with for a long time, there are 1 or 2 I still feel I have 'unfinished' business with, so that's stayed with me. But I have to keep telling myself that if I'm meant to see them again, then one day I will. Sometimes it's just simply a matter of 'clicking' with the right person, there will some people you naturally click with and some you don't - maybe you're just not clicking with them anymore? I'm not saying it's the answer, and maybe I'm missing the point entirely, but, if you haven't already, have you thought about joining any clubs/societies the uni has to offer? This can be a great starting point. I'll admit to being slightly apprehensive about this one myself, it's something my parents say to me when I tell them I'm feeling lonely, and sometimes I feel like they miss the point because, I'm upset about not being able to reach the friends I've already made, not the ones I haven't made yet. A lot of it, to me, is about quality, as opposed to quantity. And if you're experiencing problems in terms of the friends one already has, I understand it's difficult to get motivated in terms of trying to make anymore. But I know they're not going to let this go until I at least try, so I could say I've tried everything in terms of making the most of my experience at uni and making friends. And I know I'll probably regret it if don't give it a go. So it's just an extra point to consider. Even though I'm not saying it's the solution.

Just a few days ago, I was telling my dad about how one of my friends had stopped inviting me out with her group (that I felt I got on really well in fresher's week) and only saw me alone. My dad said, said why don't I asked straight out (although in jokey way, to diffuse any possible tension) why I'm not invited? And stop being so considerate others people's feelings if they're not being so considerate to me? So my point is, perhaps your situation is similar. Perhaps you're being overly considerate to others (who don't always appreciate/deserve it), and less considerate to your own feelings. I'm not saying that's a bad trait in it's own right, you sound like a very kind person, and that won't go unnoticed here, lots of people on this site will value you for this. But in the outside world, where people are generally more fickle and self centred, this can go under appreciated - and some of the more selfish ones could even take for it for granted or worse, take advantage. Where you don't feel reward from your efforts, make less of an effort, even just try it as a little experiment and see what happens. I can almost be sure that, if your room mates didn't notice it when you when out of your way to think of them, I can almost be certain that they notice when you no longer do this. Even if they don't say it straight out, they will probably have a think about how ungrateful they seemed and hopefully change their behaviour. There's a chance that one or two will just sulk, but they'll just find that not many people will like them in the future. I know you're worried about your room mates struggling with their finances, but remember, this is not your responsibility. Instead, point in them in the right direction where they can ask for help, Student Services? The Hall Office? And if they ask you to lend it them to say you can't do it anymore, if they persist stand your ground and say your financial matters are your own private business, and they're not up for discussion. I share a flat with 5 other people and none of us would dream of discussing our finances with one another.

I'll leave it here for now. I just end it by saying that you're really not alone, there are other students, myself included, on here and in the Anxiety forum, who feel similar to you.

Hope this helps.

Take care and kindest regards,

wanderingwallflower xx

[Photogeek in reply to wallflower_fairy]

Hi Funky Fairy just want to say what a great reply to Joshua was. I put

A recommend for you, You sound in good form and your Dad sounds

Like he is a good Dad for advice .

Well done Funky Fairy and hang In there and things will get easier as

You are such A bright girl, which is always a plus.

Hugs

Hannah x

[wallflower_fairy in reply to Photogeek]

Hi again Hannah,

Thanks I really appreciate that.

And yes, he's a good dad, he's taught me a lot. (He recently got a mobile phone, for the first time, and I still find it a novelty whenever he sends me a text!).

And thanks I will. I'll remember what you said and remind yourself when the times get tough.

(((Hugs)))

wanderingwallflower xx

[kneppjos in reply to wallflower_fairy]

Thank you so much that was so kind of you to take your time to reply in depth and share about yourself and I really appreciate it. I can honestly say I sat here and typed out a reply to you but in the end I just decided to convey the basic message instead of responding to everything individually. Your dad is a very wise man, and I think that has rubbed off on you as well. Thank you for your advice, it really helped. It hurts me to sit here and think that someone over the internet cares more than my best friends but I really do need to step back and work on these relationships and decide if they're worth the emotional wear or if they can be repaired. I'm getting emotional but anyways I really do appreciate your input.

Thanks again, Joshua

[wallflower_fairy in reply to kneppjos]

Hi again Joshua,

Thankyou I really appreciate that, and I'm glad what I said helped I really am. You're worth more than them, and I'm sure when you do find a deserving group of friends you'll feel so much better. Know that you can always find friends on here too.

I'll tell him that - it'll make him happy. A lot of the advice he's given me was based on his own younger, experiences that aren't dissimilar to what you describe in the post above, so he'll be pleased to know that they have made a positive difference.

I'd be interested to hear how you get on...good luck Joshua!

wanderingwallflower xx

[Hidden]

Hello Joshua

One thing that gets to me with students is the fact that you are plonked in a flat at the beginning of semester with people who possibly you will not get on with.

When you are a kid at school, you can make friends with people with same core values as yourself, and will leave those who you feel would possibly not be able to get on with.

When we go to work, again we mix with folks who have different ideas than yourself. There you can take them or leave them because at night you can get away from them.

At College you are possibly a distance away from home friends and all things that are familiar to you. When you attend lectures you are possibly with people who you possibly not be friends with.

At night you go back to your apartment to people who you do not know, also have not got the same values, generally you are forced to interact with these people, you can not get away from them.

Let us look at this problem you have, you try and be friendly, and you try and bend over backwards so that they will like you, the more you do that the more those associates will probably feel you are a soft touch and will fall back on you again and again. You cannot buy friendship.

All I can suggest is that you join the Students Union and join on interests there, you are in a group of mixed people, who you can take or leave, that way you can make new friends and will be able to get out the flat and mix with like minded people, you are there to study and sleep. That is all I can suggest for the flat

You cannot buy friends, you will only be put upon.

BOB .

[cld6]

Hi Josh

I'm 19 & a student too, and while I don't live away from home, I can definitely understand what you're saying.

I'm much like you in that I constantly feel like I have to do things for people in order to be worthy of or have their friendship, but at the same time there's a logical side to me that knows how unhealthy & damaging this view is. Like Fay said, try not to do this for a while & they'll soon start to notice. Kindness is such a wonderful quality to have but can make you so vulnerable to being taken advantage of

Have you contacted student support? My uni's mental health adviser got me in touch with the uni counsellor & I found it so therapeutic to be able to sit and talk about myself for once since no one bothers to ask me how I feel. You might find the same thing helpful

It's a really difficult situation to be in & you can just hope you'll eventually find people who will appreciate and genuinely care for you or that those you're already living with will start to do so

Hope things start going better soon

Clare

[Jac6]

I know exactly how you feel I think it's low self esteem you should speak to somebody who can help you build up your confidence x

[Photogeek]

Hi Joshua

Im Really sorry that you are feeling like this. It's a hard stage that you are going

Through at the moment. . It's hard to be stuck with random people and I do

Remember myself going through all that. I won't bore you with advice but I think

Funky Fairy has posted a really good reply to you

I too am the quiet type and often people can trample a bit on your feelings. It's

A tough brutal world in some ways, so I would say put yourself first and do as Funky

Fairy says. I care about you and maybe keep posting here and you will get lots

Of love and support

Hannah

[Jennoz]

Hey Josh

It sounds like a really tough emotional place you are in at the moment and even though you say you feel invaluable and alone it might not have to be that way?? If you define your 'worth' by things and people outside of yourself then you GIVE control to these external factors. The result is that when they are gone, or seem to be gone, then so is your feeling of worth. You should consider taking back your control and look at how valuable you are. I hear you when you say that you find it difficult to discuss things to do with yourself but you can still put your feelings out there in a journal and reflect back on your own thoughts and feelings without fear or judgement. You have been consistently giving your power to others and this begs the question "How has that worked for you?"

Do you know what Einstein said about doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome? Google it!

Your words say that you are a sensitive and valuable person but your inner voice tells you otherwise and that is the voice you have to change.

Speak to a professional if you can.... You are so worth it

Believe in yourself

Jennoz

[kneppjos in reply to Jennoz]

you made me cry. great. thank you though, for real. it helps.

[Photogeek in reply to kneppjos]

Joshua hope your ok. Just an afterthought to your original

Post about friends and friendship.

Sometimes in life we outgrow friendships and we need to

Develop new friends. I agree with Funky Fairy and I too veer

Towards Quality over quantity.

Just relax and be yourself and do your thing and put the

Focus back on what do You want, rather than worrying

About them.

Hannah

[wallflower_fairy]

Hi Joshua just one more thing, I'm wondering even if it's possible to ask to be moved to a different Halls of Residence. I know there are no guarantees but if you maybe speak to the accommodations office they can put your name on the waiting list and if you're lucky you'll hopefully find yourself with a good group of people.

Just another thing to consider if you haven't already.

xxxx

[Yalak]

Hi Joshua!The way we see ourselves is the way we see others : uncomfortable with ourselves, uncomfortable with others. Posed with yourself, posed with others. Confident with yourself and God, confident with the outer world.