Introductory post: Hello Everyone

[knotxc]

Wow where to really begin. I live alone, several thousand miles away from family. I find myself living more in my head than outside in the world. I could say I have friends. Not the sort who could take the time to listen to ramble on about one ache or another. I get it, I really do. Besides all the basic things that have been breaking down in my life the last 15yrs. Things just get to me. I'm not angry but I am hurt. As I get older I am told I wasn't a good parent but a better friend. I have 2 wonderful boys. Neither has married but the youngest is engaged.

About me personally. Healthwise it's really not good. I'm dealing with an A Fib problem as the biggest issue. Body has too many other issues to really fix it. So heart attacks are frequent. When I visit family this becomes a problem. I haven't told anyone about what my heart specialist said because it would only create more problems.

I guess because this is being posted in a group of depression, I should really start there. I'm Bi-Polar and have known for more years than I really care to admit. I'm not sure if the DR's I saw at the orphanage knew and thats why I was medicated out of my brain. In the early 70's it was Thorazine & Mellorell all the time. For the next 20 plus years I would get angry and act out. (0 - 100 per hour, Ya I'm a yank) I knew while going through the rage of emotions I was acting like an angry child that hadn't been taught better. I just could never seem to get my brain wrapped around it.

I married the only woman I have ever loved and ruined it with rage, both physically and verbally. For years she put up with my crap and we eventually grew a part. Within 2yrs of our divorce I was still dealing what a real (Expletive) I had really been and I had a really bad stroke. Maybe after beginning to acknowledge the hell I'd been putting the only 3 people I really loved IT Just struck me. I'm quite sure I probably deserved it.

Doesn't really matter how long it took to relearn everything I had to. I have had 15 long years to relive those mistakes. I believe in Jesus Christ and I pray. I know I haven't suffered enough because he lets me wake up each day. And make no mistake I ask him regularly to take me, So there must be another reason I'm still walking. I know a lot of women and men will not like the fact I raised my hands, I'm not proud of this. I am being honest and it is a cross I bare everyday. Never to love again. Never to know the boys I helped create. I live with this everytime I watch a family in church or on TV. I'm the guy crying in the restaurant because he's alone.

I do not drink because of the medications I take. Please understand in your greatest times of need OTHERS feel like you do and worse.

Peace

Michael

[Suzie40]

On the flip side, perhaps Jesus lets you wake up because he thinks you deserve a chance to try again? We all have our cross to bear, and none of us here is perfect. We learn from our mistakes and we try and become better people. It's not too late for you, Michael x

[knotxc in reply to Suzie40]

I am not the expletive person I was 25yrs ago. Thats no longer an issue. I could just never burden another with my on going issues. Prayer helps me express myself. I do not actually believe I am personally being punished by him. I do not believe he works that way.

Michael

[NWG23]

Michael, Since you mention faith I'd just like to encourage you. Jesus doesn't wake us up every day to punish us, you will drive yourself to despair if you keep thinking that. We punish ourselves far more than He does - I know I do. He wakes us to give us yet another opportunity to depend on Him. Sometimes it seems like he hides but I think its more because He wants us to find Him. He knows it's not easy but He made us with free will ,He doesn't want us to be like robots and he's not a magician with a magic wand waiting to magic all our problems away. He wants us to find Him IN them. Thing is we make faith so complicated when in fact its quite simple. If we truly believe then we don't have to strive because there's nothing we can do to make Him love us any more or any less than He does already regardless of how we have messed up - That's what Grace is! Blessings to you.

[knotxc in reply to NWG23]

Hello,

I'm on the same page as you in the sense of your reply. I can not begin to imagine what he expects of me. I just try to be the best I can, I have learned to forgive others as well as help those I see in need. The best way I know how to put it is "I'm sic and tired of being sic and tired". As a catholic I know better than do it by myself. I have faith and it is that faith that makes me get out of bed and boot my computer on the way to the shower. I have been lucky enough to have what I do have. I can afford all my bills and while broke I always seem to have enough to eat. I do consider myself lucky.

I barter my computer skills for fresh fruit or wood. I get rides to go shopping because the severe epilepsy won't let me. I'm not dead just sic.

Again I Thank You for your blessings. You have a really great day.

Peace

Michael

[Gambit62]

Glad to hear that you don't drink - but do it because it only makes things worse not because of the meds

Glad that you have reached a point where you are more in control of things.

Given your early life I am not surprised that you have experienced problems with anger - sounds like the sort of human contact that you really need to help your brain learn how to cope with stress just wasn't there.

Sorry to hear about your separation from your boys - that must be really difficult ... and the health problems. Guess you don't want to worry the family you do have by telling them what is happening but hope you do find a way of letting them know - they probably pick up on things and its actually not knowing and not understanding that is the most terrifying thing of all.

Wish you all the best