Hi everyone

Sorry I've not been on the forum for absolutely ages.. Been feeling S**T.

Which is really when I should be comin on to the forum but instead I'll hider in my bed and try to pretend

I don't exist...

Hope everybody is reasonably well, as well as can be, or really good, would be even better!!

And thanks for all the private messages I've received, I really appreciate you all thinking of me and checking if I was ok :)


Holly Xx


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32 Replies

  • Hi holly good to hear from you and understand the bit about hiding and trying to pretend, sometimes we just need to do that, hope your a little better at least and I'm sure you know the good thing about this forum is, you can take a break and come back and everyone is simply pleased to hear from you and here for any support they can offer.

    Sue xxxxx

  • Hi Holly

    Good to hear from you. Ive had a break from here too but came back around Christmas as I wasnt feeling too good. It is good to have support here. I know how you feel when you say you just wanted to hide away. I often feel like this but it is not easy when you live with family and have a job where you are relied on. I just want to be left alone at times.

    It is always good to know we arent alone.

    David x

  • Hey Holly!

    Lovely to see you. Sorry to hear you've been having a bit of a bad patch, but as we all know, they come and hopefully go again! Are you starting to feel any better?

    Lucy x

  • kind of glad to hear from you, but sorry life has got scary.

    want to give you a big hug and send you some strength and giggles

  • Great to have you back Holly, we've missed you.


  • Thanks everybody for your lovely replies :)

    I suppose it's just a hard time of the year for everybody.. And this miserable grey wet weather doesn't help either..

    I've also got the most useless psychologist in the world, it takes me an hour to get there, 2 busses and a 20minute walk, and the same back, just to sit there for an hour listening to him blabbering a load of nonsense, I couldn't

    even tell you what about as I just tune out and it goes straight over my head..

    But I've got some strange feeling of moral duty or something, and feel like I have to go, even though it's

    wasting my time and his..

    Been doing ok with the selfharming, I never thought it was that simple, but a lot of it has got to do with

    the fact that I'm always freezing so I'm wrapped up in layers and layers of clothes, which doesn't make it

    so tempting as when I'm looking at my bare arms and see the scars and just want to add some more lol.

    I've been thinking about suicide a lot though.. Which is not so good. I'm just so tired and have so little

    hope, I feel like I've wasted and failed my whole life and it's too late to ever make anything of what's left of it.

    And ther's just no enjoyment anywhere, why can't I enjoy things like I used to?? And be grateful for what

    I do have instead of focussing on the negative all the time??

    I do try, I'll put some cheery music on, or go for a walk, or any of those things that are suggested for us depressed

    lot, but it just annoys me lol.

    I end up walking about in a soggy park thinking; 'What am I doing?! I'm bloody freezing, I'm getting soaked,

    this park is shit, negi negi negi negi..

    Apologies for this lovely moany self-indulgent post, but it is good to hear from you all :)

    Aha, see there a bit of enjoyment! Thanks for that!

    Hope you're all well, sending you all my love and good vibes,

    Holly xxxx

  • Hi Holly,

    Good to hear from you. I'm sorry you're struggling and with a crap psychologist too. I had that in the summer. Terrible suicidal ideation which my GP seemed to think would be cured by seeing friends and walking on the beach!!!!!! I feel better now, not great but not like that but it's no thanks to him :O Can you ask to see someone else?

    I hope you feel better soon.xxx

  • Sorry, probably highly inappropriate, but LOL @ walking on the beach!!!!

  • Don't worry - I think it's quite funny too - NOW!!! At the time I was torn between jumping out the window and a terrible urge to push him out instead!!!!!

  • Throwing him through glass for suggesting walking on the sand would have a nice ironic justice to it!

  • Now you mention it ... :D

  • I know, that's what this fanny suggested as well; go and see a friend, and then made a 'plan' as to how to go about it, 1,txt him, 2,arrange a day and so on.. I am not a retard (sorry that's maybe a bit of an inappropriate word to use,but I know how to 'go and see a friend, I just don't bloody want to!!)

    Whom wants to sit in my miserable depressive company, that is by the way , slowly turning into pure aggressive biting peoples heads off company, coz I just don't wanna be there!

    I could ask for someone else, but they're all overworked, usual, and I'm scared they're gonna make me do even more things I don't wanna do, like walking on a f-in beach lol.

    I thought psychologist were for talking, but I don't get to say a word.

    Selfharming and suicide is getting ignored, and that is just the things I WANT TO TALK ABOUT.

    But not with my 'friend I have to go and see', is that not what professionals are for?

    Or am I just confused?!

    That must be what they learn in psychologist school, if someone's suicidal, tell em to go see

    a friend or walk in a park or a bloody beach.

    Hope you're ok fadedlizard,and good to hear from you too :)

    Holly Xx

  • Is there any way you can ask for a different psychologist? I'm sure there must be.

    Glad you're ok with the self-harming. Try to remember the suicidal thoughts are just that - thoughts. They turn up like someone you were hoping you'd seen the last of! And anyway, if they worry you, that's actually a sign that ultimately you know that's not what you want. Don't beat yourself up for not enjoying things or feeling crap - that creates a loop, and you don't want that. Feeling like that sucks enough as it is, without guilt-tripping yourself as well! It's just depression doing what depression does best.

    I wouldn't think it at all self-indulgent. I reckon you brighten this place up quite a lot, knock some of the dust off the rest of us basket cases :p

    Lots of hugs,


  • Thanks Themys :) How have you been? Hope you're ok, and maybe even enjoying one of those rare periods of feeling ok :)

    That's what I wish for every single person on this forum, just a bit of joy now and then!

    Not too much to ask is it?

    Holly xx

  • Sorry you haven't been feeling too good, have you told your psychologist how you feel? I hope you can get through this difficult time, please be kind to yourself I am thinking of you and sending you some much needed ((((( hugs))))) love darkangel xx

  • Thank you darkangel, BIG HUGS back, and hope you're ok..!

    Love, Holly xx

  • Good to hear from you.

    Try not to worry about the negative thoughts - it's just the way things go some time. Can be disturbing but at the end of the day it's just where you are at the moment.

    We have a lovely chap in our office and on Thursday he came up to me and said 'enlighten me' - I haven't been in a good place for a week or so and the only thing I could think of was 'life is hard and then you die' - not what he was expecting but he had to admit that it was enlightenment :)

    Good to hear that you aren't self-harming so much even if the reason is the cold.

    Sorry to hear about the psychologist. Have you told them that you are just zoning out? Though have to admit that it does sound really weird - like they are talking to fill up the gap because you aren't talking ... which is an insecurity thing on their part that shouldn't be happening. However, I'm not there - so talking out of the backside.

    Can relate to the cold - go to a swimming club most Saturday's but last week was cancelled because boiler at the pool had broken - I went this evening but showers were tepid and the water was really cold and possibly because I'm getting over a chest infection I'd done 1.5 lengths and just didn't feel as if I could breathe at all so just got out - was quite wheezy and had to sit down for a bit to get the strength to dry myself off and then come home but feel better for taking some ventolin (given when the air passages were blocked up) and having a hot shower ... just relieved there's no chest or arm pain because I was a bit worried I was having a heart attack :)

    Now time for a hot drink.

  • Hi Gambit,

    Good to hear from you too! I used to love swimming, I still do, but I wouldn't go to a pool just now

    coz I've lost so much weight I look like a concentration-camp victim..

    Plus I had a bloodclott last year and was in hospital for 3 weeks and on bloodthinners for 4 months,

    whch for some reason has left me with horrible varicose veins on both my legs, like really bad ones..

    People say, aw go anyway, nobody looks at you, but they do, I just couldn't..

    No wonder you got a fright, there's nothing worse than that feeling you can't breathe! And thankgod

    it wasn't a heart attack! We wouldn't want to loose you :)

    This psychologist, he's a trainee, I travel all that way there, and he suggests things like, go and see

    a pal, and then came up with a 'plan' of how to go about it; 1st, text him. 2nd, arrange a date,etc..

    Does he think I'm a retard? I know how to go and see a pal, I just don't want to, plus I'm still doing that day-program 3 afternoons a week, so it's not as if I'm not forcing myself to go out..

    He doesn't know ANYTHING about me, it's just plain weird, but I don't know what a psychologist

    is supposed to do, I just know I walk out of there every time thinking; 'wtf was that all about?!'

    Hope your chest-infection is clearing up, watch when you're coming out of the heat in the swimmingpool and then out in the cold, coz it's always so hot in those places!

    Enjoy your hot drink, I'm away for one too :)

    Love Holly Xxx

  • sorry to hear about the clot and the bloodthinners - I was given some to use for a month or so after an operation end of 2012 - didn't finish the course because a) found the injections so painful and b) started finding that the injection site just wouldn't clot - nothing major in terms of blood loss but ....

    Think I probably don't worry about whether others are looking me at the pool because I'm so short sighted I can't really see anyone else when I haven't got my glasses on ... and I don't use them in the pool.

    My brother was a skinny beggar when he was growing up - never ate anything but has since filled out a lot (permanent triplets) - few years ago we were looking at some photo's of him in his late 20's and his mother in law (Russian) really couldn't believe that it was him ... and said he looked as if he'd come out of a concentration camp - which I guess he did but it's not a description that would ever have occurred to me at the time - not any great message in that - just that your response reminded me of it.

    Did enjoy the hot drink and also a little hot curry - had a takeaway yesterday and always get enough to live off it for a few days afterwards ... but don't do it very often.

    Certainly wasn't warm coming out of the pool this evening - another indication of how cold the pool actually was.

  • I need to know about this clot please! I'm sure I've got one behind my knee!!!!

  • Get it checked out asap Lucy, As most of you know I'm an IV drug-user, and that's how I got mine,you can't actually see it or feel it (as in a lump or something I mean),

    but your leg ends up being really swollen, red and painfull.

    They send me for a scan, but they missed it, so I walked about with it for another 6 months until it got infected, I got cellulitis (not to be confused with cellulite lol, it's an infection under your skin), and staphylococcus aureus (same as mrsa, only it's treatable with antibiotics, where as MRSA is not).

    It might just be a little cyst or something, but go to your GP anyway to be on the safe side, especially if your leg is red and swollen and really sore when you walk!

    They'll send you to the hospital for a scan, know one of those ones you get when you're pregnant.

    Go asap Lucy, I don't want to scare you, but if bits break of and start travelling up your bloodstream, they can get in your lungs and you could die.

    It's not likely, but for godsake,get to your GP hun,asap!

    Lotsa love, Holly xxx

  • Well, I haven't actually got any of those symptoms *blushes* ... just a bit sore behind my knee after I've been sitting down for ages! Doctor says it's ligament damage, but obviously googling DVD is much more interesting! Thank goodness yours was eventually picked up! X

  • no it's not just blushes, your whole leg swells up like a balloon an goes bright read and it's really painfull, so it's probably not a bloodclott :)

    Which is good news, coz they're not much fun, painful, dangerous and because of all the infections I've ended up with my leg being in some state..

    Lol I suppose it is more fun googling 'DVD' lol

    Take care Lucy,hope yer well apart from the ligament damage ;)

    All my luv, Holly :) Xxxx

  • Hi Holly

    Know how you feel just want to hide away too, I know I should post more often when I feel low but don't want to burden people with my problems

    Jules x

  • Jules, that's what this site is for, please burden us with your problems, we're sick of our own!!

    Hugs n luv, holly xxx

  • Thanks Holly

  • Anytime Jules, and keep writing!!!

    Love Holly Xxx

  • Hi Holly, glad to see you back. I hope you are getting the right help you deserve. I am currently having CBT Therapy and I start a Build Your Self Esteem Course on Wednesday which is with my Therapist. I am very anxious about the whole thing but willing to try anything to rid myself of this terrible suffering inside. Love darkangel xx

  • Proud of you Angel (coz you're not dark ;)), and those courses are really good..

    It's only natural you're anxious, even 'normal' people are anxious when they start new things or

    do something they haven't done before..

    Bet you'll be fine once the 1st day is out of the way, and remember everybody else is probably feeling just as anxious as you..!

    Let us know how you got on, good luck I'll be thinking of you on Wednesday!

    Love, Holly xxx

  • Thanks Holly :)

  • Good luck tomorrow! Hope you enjoy it and I'll be thinking of you!

    Holly xxx

  • Thanks Holly xx