Don't really know what to Title this as...(One LONG paragraph??)

It has been a while (a month) since I last posted. Today and lately, I have been feeling sad, down, depressed, SICK (nausea, vomitting), just plain BLAH! I do take medications and I am in the midst of not smoking. I don't know. I just want to cry so bad and then when I do cry, I start feeling stupid because there isn't a reason to be crying or at least that is what I tell myself. I want to lose weight as well. I try to clean my house and I get nowhere quick. I don't work and my husband diligently goes to work everyday. My son is seemingly out of control and he is only 11 as of yesterday. He is ADHD andd ODD. He is on medications for ADHD and his mood swings. One second he is happy and then the next second, literally, he is exploding like a bomb. He is the classic ODD child. He has already pulled a knife on another little boy because that little boy hurt him. My son and myself also have a connective tissue disorder called Ehlers Danlos and we bruise easily, break bones, dislocate joints....everything. We're "fragile" to say the least. He's done some other things that would land him in jail if he were older. I am constantly asking his school to help and he is in counseling> I feel like I have let him down as a moma, wondering where, if any, did I go wrong. The what-if's come into my head with him. I don't know how to deal with him. We used to be sooooo close and now...he is a stranger in my house. We have two cats, a dog (border collie), and a 6 mo old Yorkie Poo (which is worse than any two yr old that I have ever seen.) She makes messes and is into EVERYTHING. She is adorable and cute and just so full of life. She's great. Hubby got her just for me. I got her when she was 10 wks old. He got her for me to take care of. Feed, play with, take for try and help me with depression. Here lately I haven't even wanted to go outside the because of nausea and vomitting...the other is...just don't have the energy. I am NOT suicidal...even if I Was...I just don't have the energy to follow through.(that was kinda to be funny) I just want to CRY and just sleep until this life is over. I don't even know how to participate in this life. I also have chronic neck, BACK pain. Weak knees. All of this makes it difficult to deal with daily activities. I get injections in the back and neck for the pain every three months. This last series in my back hasn't worked as well as it has in the past, although the pain never leaves, tI have been "down" more than "up"...meaning more days in pain than not. I KNOW that if I got up and dressed and went for a walk that I could Possibly feel a bit better, but right now it's easier to sit and wallow.

Geez, I know that was ONE long paragraph. I don't know what I want to hear or need to hear. I don't know what I want right now. I do have an appointment for med check tomorrow. I don't think that my meds need to be altered any more than they have already. I don't know.....sigh...

If you got this far, thank you. :)



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6 Replies

  • Don't think there is more that you could do with your son that you have already.

    Has he always known about his health problems or is it something that he's just trying to come to terms with - or maybe changes with friends means he's noticing the health problems more and starting to realise the impact and that's making him angry ... just a thought.

    The point about not having the energy to do anything about suicidal thoughts is quite right - about 30 years ago there was a study that showed that most suicides actually happened when people were getting better so it was a double shock to loved ones/loving ones. Glad you don't feel suicidal though.

    Can only suggest that you grit teeth and no matter how much you don't feel like going out you force yourself to go out - even if it is just down to the end of the drive or the corner of the street.

  • Thanks Gambit for responding. It actually had me feeling a bit cared about knowing that someone read and responded, not that I actually wanted anything. Does that make sense? Anyway, Thank you.

    About my son...he has known about the health issues and everything as long as he was old enough. I have always explained and discussed concerns regarding the Ehlers Danlos with him since I have the same. He feels very proud of it, as he should, because not too many people know about it and he LOVES to be center of attention and knowing something more than others. He is well versed in Ehlers. Our skin is also has a lot of elasticity. He loves *showing off* when the drs want to see our *tricks*. I get told, from others, that this is just a phase that he is going through with his antics, but he has older brothers (5 brothers and 1 sister) that never went through this. Whatever he is going through, I just wish that it would just hurry up and pass.

    I did go outside last afternoon. It was nice outside. It did spark me to feel a bit better. I took a shower and cooked dinner and watched tv. Today isn't as bad as yesterday, still blah. I know that it will pass. It could be that it is just winter and cloudy and rainy lately. Also I have noticed that I have so much that needs to be done that I am *freezing* in my path, like I don't know what to do first. I start one thing and then move to the next and so on and NOTHING gets done. I know...just one thing at a time. One day at a time. I am realizing though, that one day, one year, isn't enough time. Probably one lifetime isn't enough time to do everything that needs to be done. I'll get through it. Somehow I always do. I just wish that I could remember how I do it so I am not scratching my head wondering every time that I feel like this. LOL I know there is a magic wand somewhere. :)

    Thanks again for *listening*. :)



  • My brother is very good at focusing on what needs to be done and leaving the stuff that doesn't - the down side is that my sister-in-law gets a bit frustrated with clothes and shoes etc not being put away when she asks - on one occasion she threw a £400 suit out of the window she was so annoyed - my brother had to go to the flat downstairs and ask for it back ... bit of a joke but sometimes life is like that ... I don't think I could get to my brother's state of focus because I start feeling as if I have lost control of my environment quite easily so really don't like a lot of clutter around ... unlike my sister in law I'd probably be in a heap in one of the chairs sobbing my eyes out though :)

    The flittering from one thing to another does sound like quite a normal reaction to being stressed - not being able to focus on stuff - think it goes back to caveman days and fight or flight - oversensitivity to all the stimulus so you just end up reacting to the latest stimulus all the time - appropriate for running away from a sabre tooth tiger lurking at the back of a cave but not really much help with the housework :)

  • It sounds like I would get along great with your sis-in-law. LOL I have been known to throw things out like that. I am feeling better right now than I did yesterday and this morning. I do appreciate you and Hannah taking the time to respond. Hugz to you both. :)



  • Hi Dana sorry your not feeling great, You strike me as a positive upbeat person

    But we all get down at times. It must be difficult coping with your son, boys

    Can be a handful at times. Is there a support Group you can go to to talk over

    Your issues with. It's great that your husband is supportive . Hope things

    Get a bit better for you .


  • I try to get in the *practice* of staying on an upbeat path, but I am human. LOL and I say *practicing* because it can always get better. I was told one time "to fake it until you make it" Act happy and pretty soon you should be happy. To be honest...I could choke the ones that say that. :D There is some truth to that though. I do hide when I am feeling blah and not feeling the fake til you make theory. Right now I am feeling so much better than I did yesterday and this morning. It took me an hour and a half to do hair and makeup this afternoon before leaving the house for dr appointment. I did not want to go, but I did. He always brightens my spirits somehow. I guess that he says that I can feel whatever I want because those are mine to do with whatever I want. He will agree with me when I say things like, "ALL Men are stupid and should be shot." He will sit there and say, "Yes they do. I will get you the gun." :) and then laugh. But thank you for your response. i feel loved now with you and Gambit. :)

    (oh and my hair is so long that I don't know why I even thought about trying to use a curling iron. :/ )

    Thanks to both of you.