Lowest point ever

Yesterday after struggling with issues over the last year and a half I made an effort to end my life. It obviously didn't work and just ended up being sick instead. I wrote out a note and some instructions, I wasn't sure it would work but just in case.

A few people might remember me posting several months ago about splitting up with a partner after an abortion. Well after countless psychotherapy sessions, a stay at a respite centre, pills and the lot I'm down to this. I still can't get over losing my ex and the fact she's now with someone else, I keep getting reminders everywhere I go, like someone called into a radio station with her first name and where she was from was her surname, or I see his name on trucks, even worse I was looking on the job-boards and one company was a combo of hers and his last name! Of all the variations..?

Plus I just recently found out that an ex before her lied about having being pregnant and having an abortion and also a miscarriage. Supposedly down to PTSD but I don't buy it certainly not twice. On one hand that's a weight off but too late for anything. I had made a decision to leave this woman and told her, five minutes later she calls back and says she's pregnant, insisting she's 100% pregnant and I didn't want it but she blackmailed me into staying with her and then six months later did have an abortion. Something that never would have happened had I left her. Obviously I have totally cut this person out of my life permanently. The problem was the stress of that and the guilt I felt was all for nothing, causing me much pain and affecting my work and career. I even left a good company once to sort my personal life out with her, something I should have never had to do and have struggled since to find a job on that level.

So now I find out all this never happened, I'm now stuck with the realisation of the type of person I was with and as one counsellor said, it's no wonder you can't sort work and your head out with all that going on. She beat me about the head with something that never happened for several years - even THIS year!? And with feeling so emasculated and a lessening of pride, I lost confidence, took shit jobs below what I'd achieved and eventually had inadequate means to support a new family. Really at my age I should have been on decent money and quite a senior position had I stayed there, but thanks to her I left. Now I can't seem to get anything, I've been for about a dozen interviews over the last couple of months and got nothing, I get a bit of part-time work but not consistently and I doubt I've got the confidence left to do much anyway. Every day without fail I think about her and what happened, I have spoken to her recently - she's decent to me and things haven't affected her as much as me but I just don't feel I can replace her. I seem to get one shot at everything and if I mess up that's the end of it.

Really don't know what to do, I don't want to live but I love my family and they are decent people - if they were bastards I'd certainly do it

5 Replies

  • Aww I know how you feel but don't do this its not worth the pain you leave behind. Imagine how your family would feel please

  • Hi warren. I remember ths situation but I don't recognise your name? Have you rejoined? Either way it's great to see you.

    Believe it or not, recognising that you've hit your lowest point is a positive thing. It shows you are aware of what's going on around you and have a good sense of how you're coping.

    You may not be be pleased that your attempt failed, but a lot of people will be. Nobody wants this to happen Warren.

    Who is with you tonight Warren? Weekends can be lonely times. Do log on and keep chatting this weekend x

  • I'm at a family friend's house right now. Just feeling lost, I clearly haven't been living a normal life for so long, every day is a struggle for enthusiasm. I hate what has been done to me that made me lose my way, as if things for me weren't hard enough. I just feel like I'm finished.

  • You're not finished, Warren. You've just had such a bad time and it feels like there's no happiness left for you. There's obviously a huge amount going on for where your ex is concerned. Breaking up is not dissimilar to experiencing a death. The stages of grief that you through are pretty much the same in both instances. You will reach a day when you don't think about her. Or maybe you will, but it'll be in a positive way. In the meantime, you need to find ways to cope. Is your GP supporting you Warren?

  • Haven't been for a while but he's aware. What has struck me is how much damage the ex before her did to me. There's no reason I couldn't have had what everyone else has if I just had not let her make me feel such a loser. I know I meant what I did the other day, I can only try and get up from it some way, maybe I can do it. Just got text from my sis saying how confident I was before I met this person, I suppose I was in some ways but obviously had a few knockbacks just before her that lowered my self-esteem