An Attitude of Gratitude

Ah at last, I've got something positive to say..!

I've been feeling a LOT better the last two days than I have in months... I've absolutely no idea why,

but I don't think about suicide every other 5 minutes anymore, I even feel less anxious, but most of all

I feel so grateful for not feeling as if I can't go on anymore!

It's such a relief to be able to just feel ok.

I'm not saying I'm dancing about the livingroom, and I still can't be bothered doing anything or seeing anyone,

but inside I just feel a thousand times better than I have in ages.

As if I've got hope again. That things are gonna be ok one day.

I'm still self-harming too, but more out of habit rather than the viciousness I was doing it with before, it's

more half-hearted, maybe I'll even stop doing that in a few days time..

Its ok to be alive, and I didn't think I'd see a day when I'd be saying that again... :)

Sorry too people who are struggling, I don't mean to rub it in, and my thoughts are with you, just don't give up.

Here's living proof that things can get better again, even when you think they never will..

If I could give everybody that's struggling a bit of what i'm feeling just now, I would!!!

Love, holly xx

22 Replies

  • holly you've made my day, after having had a rollercoaster week myself it made me grin from ear to ear to read your post. ~ I for one needed reminding that there is light at the end of the tunnel, ~ even when it's a bloody long tunnel ~ and it isn't always ''an oncoming train''! wishing you many more good days.

  • Here! Here!

  • :) Hx

  • Aw thank you gardengnome, your post in turn made me smile :)

    It's an amazing site isn't it, how we help eachother and sometimes don't even know it!

    I hope the light at the end of your tunnel is very near too, and here's a motivator for ye a read somewhere sometime and made me laugh; 'Don't wait for a light to appear at the end of the tunnel,

    stride down there and light the fuckin thing yourself!' ;)

    Wish you a happy evening, and thanks for your lovely post..

    Love, Holly Xx

  • That's so nice to hear, Hol. There IS a way out of the darkness, and it sounds like you might have a little peep at it x

  • I know! It's great! See, I still have the ability to enjoy small pleasures in life!

    I thought I'd lost them, but just the fact that just for today I don't want to kill myself makes me so

    happy, shows me that I'm still quite an easily pleased and slightly positive person ;)

    How are you Lucy?

    Hope you're ok too, and if not, you know where I am!

    Love, Holly Xxx

  • Sorry, I instinctively call you Hol because it's my niece's name! I'm alright I think. A bit so-so actually. Might blog about it if I can be bothered! X

  • That's arite, I've been called worse :) And blog away,but only if ye can be bothered!

    You know I'm here for ye though... Love n hug, Holly Xx

  • Am so glad your feeling much better Holly. It's heartening to know that there is hope out there and our brains are funny things that can turn around from dark to light so quickly. I am also feeling better that last weekend, not brilliant but am coping better now.

  • It's weird isn't it! Nothing specific happened, nothing changed, well nothing external anyway,

    but inside I feel a lot lot better, just for no reason...

    Like you, I'm nowhere near dancing with joy or feeling amazing, but I'm feeling ok, and ok is

    good enough for me, compared to where I've been the last few months!

    Hope it lasts for both of us, and that others who are struggling soon have better days too..

    Enjoy your night Raymond,

    Love Holly Xx

  • hi Holly

    It was so nice to read your blog, It made me smile so that's got to be a good thing to share.

    today I was walking down the road and thought I feel okay today, it was a nice surprize to be thinking like that for a change, as this week has been hard work for me, had hundreds of horrible thoughts running round my head sending me nuts to but it bluntly. I like you am not sure what has changed but am glad what ever it is has, as it is nice to have some hope for the future eh?

    Am even having a beer tonight first one in months, but only one as for me can lead to other things.

    Am so pleased you are feeling better in yourself and the self harming is not so intense.

    Shall be thinking of you tonight. long may the good times last I say.

    gardener xx

  • What's going on? That's 3 of us! There must be something in the air ;)

    It does make you appreciate so much to just feel ok though doesn't it... To think that millions

    of people just 'feel ok' every day, and probably aren't even to pleased about it because they're not happy, or they don't even give it a second thought.

    Where as for us, to feel ok, is something to be utterly grateful for, for it's so much better to feel ok

    than to feel like you're in hell every day and there's just no way out and no end in sight.

    So, just for today,we're very glad we're ok! ;)

    And you're right, long may it last, and savour every moment of it..

    N.nite gardener,have another good yin tomorrow!

    Love, Holly Xx

  • Hi Holly

    So glad you are feeling better. That is the best news ever. It really shows that

    We should never give up hope. Enjoy the moment and dance around the kitchen if you feel like it.

    Holly you deserve to feel good as you give so much of yourself to

    Others. Think of it as the beginning of a new phase.

    Luv n stuff


  • Thanks Hannah,

    Shame it couldn't have lasted a little longer... No I'm still ok, I'm just putting it down to it being Sunday (not my most favourite day of the week) and the weather being absolutely atrocious!

    Wind and rain, it's awful, and I'm gonna have to go out coz I've no food in the house at all.. And I've got horrible mundane things to do, like a washing, and other housework that I've been putting of for an eternity so that's ruined my mood a bit but that's all just petty stuff, all in all, I'm still better than before so I can't complain! (eventhough I just did ;)..

    Hope everybody has a good a day as possible,

    Love, Holly Xx

  • I like it when people post positive things, and I'm sure lots of people will take solace and belief from knowing that other people are on the up. And with all the support you give everyone on here it couldn't be a more deserving person either :)

    I've been feeling a little better yesterday evening and today as well.

  • Aw thank you ThemysciraDrive, that is a lovely thing to say :).

    Glad you're feeling a bit better too, long may it last!

    Love, Holly Xx

  • Hi Holly

    I'm glad you are able to feel better, you deserve that.


  • Thanks Sue :)

    I'm not long up, but I'm gonna brave the weather (in my pyjama's), and run to the shop to get a roll if there's any left...

    Hope you're ok today too! Speak soon,

    Love, Holly Xxx

  • Hi Holly

    It's good to hear that you're having better days, I really am happy to hear it. It makes me think that there maybe a light at the end of this extremely never ending tunnel we all suffer from.

    I've been awake crying nearly all night all because me and my 10 year old had a small argument in front of her friends who were stopping overnight. I felt such a terrible useless mum, alhough we made up extremely quickly afrer it upset me through the whole night havimg the feeling that I'm losing my daughter, does that make sense? Unfortunately I'm feeling a little worse for wear today, but having read your post has really cheered me up knowing that it is possible to get through these rough times.

    I really hope your day goes well for you, and long may the better days continue for you xx


  • Hi Tracy,

    Yeah, that makes perfect sense! We tend to be very over-sensitive people, well I know I am anyway.. So

    your daughter has probably long forgotten about the argument, while your still upset about it!

    We (I should really speak for myself, but it sounds like you do as well), take everything to heart, take everything personal and over-analyse everything!

    You're not a useless mum! If you never argued with your kids it wouldn't be natural would it!

    My mum's the best mum in the world, I've had that view since as long as I can remember, but god knows we argued!! Especially when I was growing up, getting towards that teenage stage, like your daughter is, but that

    didn't mean I loved her any less or thought any less of her!

    And neither does your daughter, and the fact that yous made up so quick tells me you have a good relationship with her..

    Try and not take things to heart so much, I know it's really hard, but it's you that's suffering.. There'll be many more arguments to come when she's a teenager, but that'll pass again, and it won't have anything to do with you being a bad mum!

    It's just the way things go when we grow up, I bet you and your mum weren't always the best of friends, but you still

    loved her!

    I hope your day gets better, and try to forget about the argument, it's over and done with...

    I'm glad my post cheered you up a bit, coz there is light at the end of the tunnel! Sometimes you just can't see it, and you think you can't because it's so far away, but it might jst be coz there's a bend in the tunnel, and the light's

    really just round the corner!

    Don't give up hope Tracy, I woke up to a horrible rainy windy day, but now the sun's came out!

    I hope the sun comes out for you soon too!

    Lots of love and good luck,

    Holly Xxx

  • Hi Holly

    Thank you so much for your kind words it was really lovely of you. Yes unfortunately you've hit the nail on the head regarding taking everything to heart. My daughter has also said to me not to get upset over it any more as its over and done with and I honestly wonder sometimes which one of us is the adult!

    its great to hear of others good days, it lightens up the day slightly knowing that it is possible for us all to see it can improve and feel a little more positive.

    Yes the weather here is still miserable but you never know it might improve!

    I hope you continue to have better days.

    all my love Tracy x

  • Lol, I know what you mean, kids can be so wise beyond their years.. Your daughter sounds pretty

    level-headed and caring, so listen to what she said to you, it's over and done with!

    The weather doesn't know what it's doing here now, a bit like my mood ;), one minute it's bucketing down, the next the sun's coming out!

    Aw well, that's better than non-stop rain isn't it..

    I hope you'll have better days soon too, I guess we can't expect just because we're feeling ok

    for a couple of days, that's us lifted out of the depression we're in, all we can hope for is to

    have some good days in between the bad..

    Like the weather, it's better to have the sun coming out for 5minutes every now and again on

    a rainy windy day, than it not coming out at all!

    Take care Tracy, speak soon,

    Love Holly Xxx