Not too good today, have felt down for weeks and today just felt like I could not cope anymore and so I self harmed.

[raymond47]

This did make me feel better and worse at the same time. Better because it feels like I still have a choice and worse because I have given in. Afterward I felt very tearful and emotional. but feel calmer now. Texted a friend of mine who said I should call out of hours or crisis team, but I dont want to talk to them as I dont feel they have been any help in the past. Crisis team usually just want to lock me up. I did promise to call my CPN on Monday, but as I have appt on Wednesday wont bother. Strangely I do find writing this stuff down helps, but not sure why.

[Hidden]

hello Raymond

Sorry to hear you are having a bad day, like you said it can be good just writing on here to help you feel better.

So, next time you feel like self-harming maybe you could try and come on here and just type away as to how you are feeling, it can be as long or as short a post as you like.

Someone will always reply as we are all here to help one another.

I was having a really hard time a few weeks ago and was posting away all the time, and it helped me a lot.

I was not sure why myself, but it works and that's the main thing.

Hope you are feeling a bit better now, hears hoping you have a calmer night.

Gardener x

[raymond47 in reply to Hidden]

Thanks, to everyone who sent me a message. I feel things building in me and am convinced I can cope (and I am not really ill, just self centred and demanding) and then I reach a stage where I feel desperate and can't cope and self harming is the only way I can calm down. Which sounds ridiculous but it just overwhelms me.

[fadedlizard in reply to raymond47]

Hi Raymond,

I can really identify with that feeling.

I've been self harming for years to try and help me cope but I still find it hard to accept that I have depression. I still want to tell myself it isn't real that I'm just attention seeking (although I've no idea from whom since no one sees my injuries).

I think we are so hard on ourselves ~ lets face it we would never say to other people the things we routinely say to ourselves!!!

I'm glad you're feeling better now, but please try to get some help. You deserve it.

Love

Lizard.x

[Gambit62]

For me I think there is an element of 'putting it down on paper' means I don't have to carry it around inside me and I think that's where the feeling better comes from.

Really sorry to hear about the self harming. Agree with Gardener's suggestion to come and post/blog if you feel like doing anything.

Forgive yourself for failing - it is in the past. I'm sure if you sat down and thought there would be occasions when you have thought about harming but haven't. We're only human.

[eaward in reply to Gambit62]

"For me I think there is an element of 'putting it down on paper' means I don't have to carry it around inside me and I think that's where the feeling better comes from." I feel the same way

[Photogeek]

Hi Raymond,

Sorry to hear that you are feeling so bad. Please don't be too hard on yourself, we need to forgive ourselves, and have compassion on ourselves. Posting here helps too as someone can always relate to how you are feeling, even though our circumstances are different we are all basically the same. Don't give up and keep in touch, take things day by day and its easier. I'm not feeling great myself so I know how younustfeel too, and you are in my thoughts.

Hannah

[Suzie40]

Totally agree with the others. I find huge relief from putting my thoughts on paper (or screen!) Sometimes I worry that I must bore people stupid with my constant posts, but I know deep down that no one minds. I'm sorry that you have hurt yourself. Not too badly I hope? Lucy x

[raymond47 in reply to Suzie40]

I think part of me does not feel I have an illness and don't want to admit it. I feel as though my problems are stupid and I don't deserve to write on here and just post when I can't take any more. I don't feel I should bother anyone. I do find writing things down does help though so will try and post a bit more.

[Suzie40 in reply to raymond47]

Well you've never bothered me! X

[Photogeek in reply to Suzie40]

I agree with you Lucy, we would not be a Forum without everyone's postings. So Raymond keep posting.

Hannah

[Photogeek in reply to Suzie40]

Lucy don't worry you are never boring, your posts make me feel I'm not the only one. That helps.

Take care.

Hannah

[Holly101]

Hi Raymond,

How are you feeling now? I hope you're feeling a bit better and don't ever think your bothering people, remember

what this forum is for!

I can totally understand your way of coping by selfharming as I do the same thing, just try and keep it as superficial

as you possibly can, I feel I still get the same effect, but I won't have to go through the hassle and embarrassment

of having to go and get stitched up..

You also done the right thing by texting your friend, never try and get through it alone, and we're always here

for you too!

Good luck and best wishes,

Love, Holly xxx

[raymond47 in reply to Holly101]

Felt much better this morning, but after a hectic day with kids and grandkids visiting am just dreading another day at work. I feel very anxious about it and am worrying I won't be able to cope before I have even got their.Its just all been too much lately.

[Photogeek in reply to raymond47]

Raymond how are you today. Hope you feel a little bit better even.

Don't be alone and know you can post here and feel you are among friends who will never judge you. I'm off now to make a cuppa tea for myself.

Hannah

[Holly101 in reply to raymond47]

I'm glad your feeling better, it's good you had some distraction with the kids and the

grandkids today

I can really identify with your anxiety and dreading every new day, it's exhausting isn't it..

It's as if your constantly running on fear and adrenaline and you just end up depleted of every

ounce of energy but you still have to keep going and do it all again the next day..

The weird thing is, for me, that the stress and anxiety and worry about things is actually more tiring than doing the actual things!

Because we always cope, and it's never as bad as we thought it was going to be, I suppose

that's the nature of depression and anxiety..

Good luck with another day tomorrow, I'm sure you'll get through it and cope ok... I'll be

thinking about you at some point tomorrow when I'm stressed to the max and think I can't handle it anymore, and know I'm not alone!

Love, Holly Xx

[raymond47 in reply to Holly101]

Tried to speak to my CPN and left a message with the CMHT but didn't ring me back. Have felt really tearful today and stressed. I felt like getting up and walking out halfway through the day but managed to stay till the end, then came home and self harmed again. I feel as though things have got a little out of control.

[Holly101 in reply to raymond47]

Hi Raymond,

It's such a shame and quite ridiculous how little help is available for people with mental health problems in the UK.

Waiting for over a year to get appointments with psychiatrists, like what you just said there, asking for help but only being able to leave a message..

By the time they get back to you it might be too late.

I self-harmed again today as well. Just out of the blue.. I felt ok and all of a sudden I felt anger (that's what it usually is with me, and I direct it inwards and harm myself..).

Anger and sadness..

I don't know what it is that triggers you off but it sounds like it is when you're not able to cope. And that's the only way you know how to release the stress

or other feelings your feeling..

You should go to your GP (probably for the umpteenth time) and tell him

your selfharming and you feel things are getting out of control..

I don't know if he'll do anything for you, but there's not much else you can do,

I wish there was..

There's an interesting program on just now on BBC1 about people with mental health problems getting locked up because there's nowhere else for them to go.

'For their own safety apparently' It includes people who are self-harming and or are suicidal, you should watch it.

I really hope things get better for you soon.. In the meantime, keep posting!

Good luck and your in my thoughts!

Holly Xx

[Photogeek in reply to raymond47]

Hi Raymond

Just a quick hello . I know you are going through a bad time. It's not your fault that your ill. For what it's worth one of my friends in France had terrible scars on her arms from self harming. She was a v. Talented artist. Anyway the good point is SHE GOT

BETTER. There is hope she hasn't done it for over a year. She found getting on the right medication helped her.

Keep going and take it day by day. I'm off to bed now. So good night and you will be in my prayers.

Hannah