Struggling with people - fee; misjudged and low

I've always struggled with interpersonal relationships and often wonder if, if I had been at school these days, I would have been described as having mild Asperger's.

I'm 67 and have been involved in rat showing for several years. I wanted to train as a show judge and have done the first part of my training. When I was beginning to get depressed - largely show-related, I asked to put it on hold, but yesterday said I was willing to start the next stage next year.

I have a problem rat who has been castrated but is still somewhat aggressive. I said I would re-home him, but decided to try one more introduction to two young boys. However, this failed, and I have decided that, for the good of the rat, he should be re-homed to be introduced to his own 'harem'. This only means that I changed my mind once in giving him an extra chance, then, when this failed, returned to my original decision. However, today several people have said that I "keep changing my mind". I don't think that I do normally, and I haven't done so in the above situation, but I am having a serious rethink about judging. I am treated as 'second class' because I am not a breeder, and feel invisible with them. Do I really want to be part of this? I'll be limited in which shows I could judge as I do not drive, so I am dependent on my friend or public transport.

Coming back, I had this great desire to jump out at the Dartford bridge - and have felt that way on the previous two occasions - although I'd not have the courage to jump. However - all have been on the way back from shows. Being dead would take away all the problems, though (not just rat-related - in fact my rats are one thing that keeps me from acting on these thoughts.)

One person in particular is being very difficult. I tried to apologise to her and she just said "I don't want to discuss it.) Others have turned against me, only knowing half-truths, and I feel pushed out. I have to go to one more show to take Twix for transport to his new home. He couldn't have gone today, as planned, as my rats are in quarantine. I might also go to the shows I used to help to organise, if needed to make up numbers to merit awarding stars - a battle I faced as Show Sec.

Anyway, I'm feeling really low = my longing is to die naturally, but I am concerned about my rats. I am also tempted to harm mildly,


3 Replies

  • Is this the same person that upset you last time? X

  • Hello BOB here we seem to be following the same track

    You know me from Pain Concern, what you do not realize is that I suffer from Depression generally caused by my condition, now I am 63 and nothing really gets any better.

    I have always been a loner throughout life and have problems not only with my pains, also the same as you I wonder sometimes that I also have an undiagnosed Ashbergers spectrum condition. Throughout life I have been a loner, most of the time I prefer my own company and find it a trial to get onto people, sometimes I feel that I should have been brought up one hundred years ago, this has now led to me moving away from a vindictive family, who has really lost the plot with me so I feel that I should have dropped the lot of them much sooner . I prefer not to deal with the general population and if complaints have to be undertaken I now leave all that to Hazel and I find that suits me, although it is a bit hard on her when she is dealing with the Environment Agency.

    One problem is I am always or seem to be given the job of looking after those on their last legs, my family seems to wipe their hands of that part of life. I never show grief and am able to take everything to its conclusion,and can sit at a funeral and watch the false tears of grief.

    So in some ways I suppose we seem to follow in a complete non understanding of what life is about.

    I have tried the final sanction and was taken into hospital and was given all the talking therapies associated with my condition.

    Now I will not try it again it is just to painful for those who look after me, so I suppose I will carry on and look at life with the indifference associated with my condition.

    All the best


  • Miss Rat, you have in the past few months helped me a lot ! I hope I can return the help now ,. I am in my fifties very much a loner nowadays ! I moved away from family and friends many years ago (I honestly do not remember if this was a conscious decision or not) I have some issues with people (To be honest I dont like them! ) I can talk freely on the net to folk on here and actually feel a belonging . I noticed some time ago that when I used to walk about town with my Parrot folk wou;d murmer behind my back so called friends would comment about how wrong I was to allow my Parrot to come out with me and generally run me down behind my back, I have since found out it was jealousy of my bond with my Parrot so do not ever take any notice of what folk say or think behind your back because if they are anyone worth worrying about they would speak to you privately! not behind your back!! all the best Dell