Scribble Brain

Scribble Brain

Just writing stuff down to try get my head round things which seems impossible for me to do at the min. Its like the answer is somewhere but I cannot put my finger on it, its eluding me. Something’s bugging me and the only thing it seems to correlate with is my ex coming back into my life as sorts. I have tension in my jaw, checking my phone a lot, getting irritated, moods very high and very low.

He applogised for treating me the way he did which ment a lot to me, its like he was admitting he was an idiot and gave me an explanation for the reasons why he acted the way he did. He blamed it on the long distance thing, which didn’t really bother me, in fact I didn’t really miss not being with him in the week, I just got panicky and anxious when I didn’t hear off him often during the day….which I still cant explain, when I started my anti depressants this subsided. He also blamed it on money worries which have now been resolved.

I had no intention of starting things again until he had explained himself – I still cant even put my finger on exactly why I felt differently about him after that.

Anyway he came to see me yesterday on his way home from seeing his mate, who he seems to go out with now every weekend. We had a lovely walk and then just chilled out and it felt normal, how it should feel between a couple – we didn’t argue or he didn’t get in a mood etc.

Then he texted me saying he had a lovely time and I said the same. Then he followed this up by telling me not to think to far ahead and not to assume it will be better next time or the start of stuff as it over complicates things. Just seem to come out the blue and it bothered me for some reason.

Its made me feel tense and unsettled again – I think im scared its not going to work out and ill be back in the same position I was months ago. Or even worse, he will decide he doesn’t want me anymore for what ever reason. I feel uneasy that its not the same as it was when we 1st got together, it went very quick and he (we) wanted to be together all the time and we was official within weeks etc.

We only speak now about once a day, takes him like at least half a day to text back at least…so therefore I leave it ages to. I guess it bothers me that he seems to busy to text me back, this to me makes him seem not bothered. Your supposed to want to speak to people you like, he never seemed to want to do this when we was together either.

Its kind of bothering me he goes out or goes to see his mate who lives like an hour and a half away at the weekends. He goes the gym all the time in the week after work so this is all making me think that he wouldn’t have any time for me anyway. We used to spend the whole weekend together which I guess I just got comfortable with. I know everyone has their own life but it kind of makes me feel ill just be slotted in when HES free. When I go back to work I plan on getting a horse on loan then buy one eventually and I know that will take up a lot of time as well as my own plans to go back to the gym. I just don’t want to be creating a life just because he has one. It was okay when we was living and working together, he would come home after the gym or on the rare occasion he went out with out me id either be at his flat anyway or id be round the next day.

I cant even discuss him with my friends, because of how he treated me they refuse to discuss him and they all hate him. Ive hardly told anyone ive started seeing him again because I know they with moan at me and be disappointed.

I guess am also scared he will still be manipulative and controlling and I wont really notice. If I pointed it out to him he would just justify it and then ill doubt myself etc. i think he was being a bit controlling the other night as I wouldn’t sleep with him. I said I didn’t want to as hes been with 3 different people since we have split up and he never uses anything so I said well you don’t even no if you’ve got anything. He told me these random girls had told him they was clean to which I responded how do you even know they are telling the truth??! Then he turned it round on me saying how did I know the lad id been with was clean, so I said he said hed been tested, plus ive known the guy for about 8 years and hes a friend who I started seeing, I don’t think he would lie to me and do that. Then he started getting irate as Id said during the time when I was with him and he was grilling me, that I don’t sleep with people without using anything. When in fact I said I don’t sleep with random people without using anything – in fact I don’t sleep with random people at all but if im seeing someone you don’t use anything as you trust the person. I told him I didn’t want to sleep with him yet as we don’t know what's happening between us and I wanted to wait. Then this seemed to make him more moody and annoyed and he went on to say “I bet you slept with him straight away” I told him I didn’t which is the truth. But its okay for him to sleep with people soon as hes met them. Its like he was trying to make me feel bad for not sleeping with him and being controlling. If I would have said this to him he wouldn’t of accepted it. I only realised all this after I had left his.

Surely im supposed to be not anxious about me and him. Getting with someone is supposed to be exciting and happy! But I don’t know if its just something wrong with me and the way I think and my brain. Maybe as I don’t have anything to do most of the time ive been over thinking. Maybe its because ive never been in a happy relationship.

People tell me I deserve to be with someone who treats me well and worships me. I cant see why anyone would but someone who wants to speak to me would be a start. I just feel a sense of un ease…ive always had anxiety issues but never really noticed it until he brought it out in me when I went to uni. Now it seems to be returning. I feel like I want to keep writing as ive not got to the bottom of anything but ive ran out of words to say. When I get back to work I will be taking this to therapy with me. I need someone to get to the bottom of…well…me.

4 Replies

  • Maybe him telling you not to look too far ahead is his way of making sure you both take things slowly. It sounds to you as though he's playing cool, perhaps he's just wary of hurting you again? X

  • Hi Zoe, it is a difficult situation is that he is being loving and yet a bit controlling, I understand how you feel, I was in a relationship years ago and the guy had good points but in short it was a destructive relationship for me. I left him, and went back with him, my family and friends like you could not understand me, I had to go to therapy, and eventually I left,

    Dont worry what your friends think, its what you think about him and the relationship thats important, I would worry that if you go back with him, you will feel unable to confide in your friends for support if things go wrong. Because you feel they will say " what the hell did you go back with him blah blah ......" also the fact that its making you anxious is not good. Relationships, healthy ones should not cause stress. I get the impression that since you broke up, he has coped better and moved on in some way with his life, the gym, his mates and so on. The thing is when you seperate even for a while, things change, thats for sure, you change, and he changes. Remember that, also have safe sex and you do not have to justify your intimate life to him. I worry because I can see the pitfalls, it seems like a codependent relationship, I was like that too, always waiting for phone and so on. Now years later of course, I am different, but it took me a good few separations to eventually like myself enough to say I deserve to be treated well.

    Zoe no matter what you do I will support you, so relax and try and do your own thing, when he sees you are more independent, it will change the dynamic, Maybe he will change, who knows, but you must put your mental health first.

    Big hug


  • Your ex seems a bit of a contradiction, what he can do (sleep with people) but you can't, he doesn't want you to plan ahead as though he doesn't want to be serious but at the same time wants you to have sex with him like you're in an intimate relationship.

    He sounds like a control freak to me and wants you to be like a toy that he can pick up and put down at will, he's certainly not thinking of you or your feelings.

    I'd tell him you'll be friends but don't want a relationship with him if I were you as you obviously don't feel comfy with him around for too long. That's just me though.

    Good luck whatever you decide hun.



  • Hi

    Oh no, not the ex again! I bet he explained himself, he now realises what he lost! You say you didn't miss not being with him but got panicky and anxious when you didn't hear from him which sounds like he is more a security for you than an enjoyable partner. What you said reminds me of a baby who gets anxious if they don't hear the mother's voice and know she';s coming back, and perhaps something of being scared of abandoned.

    Then the good time you had together when you went for a walk sounds much more normal. It's great that you are holding out and will not sleep with him just because he wants you to. I agree entirely that it does sound as if it's ok for him to do what he wants but then he gets irrationally jealous if you might have done the same thing.

    It has always sounded as if you do not know what you want in relation to him, that you do want him but don't want the kind of relationship he offers you.

    Why not consider going to Relate with him for relationship counselling? If he will go that will show some commitment to you and if you can hold out against sleeping with him until you feel sure things have changed then you will also be looking after yourself. That way he will have to choose to respect you or leave you. Either way that should be better than it was. Why not tell him you would like him to go with you and see how he responds? It's just a thought. I know Relate charges according to means and you could ensure that is worked out fairly so you each pay proportionately what you can each afford.


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