I just don't understand where my head is at

Three years ago my fiance walked out on me and our two small children. We had been together for 9 years and I felt as though my world had caved in. I honestly thought we were solid, that we would be together forever. I immersed myself in looking after the children and working many more hours to pay the mortgage he had left me with. Up until now there has been no significant other in my life. Six months ago, I met a lovely man. Hes loving, kind, caring and he makes me smile. I love being with him, I love him. I should be over the moon instead in recent weeks I am suffering panic attacks, questioning if i should be with him, my anxiety about everything is sky high and I am back on fluoxetine (which i was prescribed for a period of time six months after my fiance left). I feel so down, he deserves better than this. I just feel really confused and low and alone. I just wondered if anyone else could relate to this?

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Why are you questioning your own worth? Having lost one man that you loved it's understandable that committing to another relationship would make you anxious but you are as valuable as the next person. I think you need to address your self worth issues personally.

Good luck...we all deserve a chance at happiness,

Lorraine

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Hi

I'm not surprised that you are having anxiety/panic attacks! You were trusting someone in the past and were seriously let down. That would leave most people anxious about whether it is safe to trust again!

You don't say what led to your fiancé leaving that you didn't know about, whether there was another woman or a reason you know nothing about. You knew your fiancé for a long time and yet he left you which must surely make you question why. I'm wondering whether you asked him or whether he said.

You say you immersed yourself after he left in paying the mortgage and looking after the children which was all you could do but I wonder whether you also allowed yourself the space to really reflect upon the relationship and why it came to an end. Obviously there was some reason - it may be just that your fiancé changed his mind but if so why couldn't he tell you? He may have been having an affair but if so why, was he just the kind of man to do that as some are, or was your relationship failing to satisfy him in some way? If so why couldn't he tell you? Understanding your relationship with your fiancé will enable you to know whether there is a realistic danger of your current man leaving you

Another thought I had was about whether you had any idea at all that he was not happy and if not then why not. Usually there are some signs, not always but often there do turn out to have been subtle indications which the other partner ignored for fear of rocking the boat. Usually that goes back to an underlying insecurity which leads the partner to become involved in relationships out of a strong sense of neediness. Sometimes that can result in the person becoming involved either too quickly or with someone they hardly know but imagine is who they love. I'm not suggesting you are to blame because you are not, your fiancé should have let you know over time if he was unhappy as that can't suddenly have been the case, but the fact that he didn't does suggest either you pick men who can't face certain feelings or the result of them, or that you can't face knowing about what's going on until it's too late.

What about you going to talk to someone at Relate? They specialise in relationships and you don't have to go with a partner but you could go alone and talk with your current man to see whether he would go with you after some initial sessions. If he is willing to do that in order to help you deal with your anxiety you will probably find the relationship becomes more secure as a result.

Suexx

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Hi Sue,

My fiance left because he no longer loved me as he should. His exact words. He has always said no-one else was involved and I believe him. There has never been a shred of evidence to suggest another woman. I have gone over our relationship time and time again trying to work out where it went wrong, when things started changing. I cant pinpoint any significant thing. We were due to be married 5 months after he left, the week before he left we paid the deposit on our honeymoon. There were pressures at work, we had two very young children to look after - maybe they were factors. But I can honestly say I had no idea he was so unhappy in our relationship. I totally adored him and I thought he felt the same.

I have stayed on my own the last three years as I felt I couldn't really manage a relationship, the idea although appealing frightened the life out of me. I have been so lonely at times. Relate sounds like a good idea. I'm so anxious about many things including this new relationship that I have thought of ending it several times because panic and anxiety take over. There is no reason for this as he is a loving, kind, nice man and when I'm with him I'm glad that I am. Its just the fear and anxiety is always there just recently.

I'm just really struggling right now

Thank you for replying x

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Hi

That must have been really awful for you when he left because not knowing why leaves you in a place where you can't look at another relationship to see whether the same thing is happening - no wonder you are anxious about the same thing happening again!

Yes, Relate are really helpful as there counsellors are well trained so do try them as I think it will help. They will charge according to your means which is helpful.

Suexx