Things that go bump in the day

My neighbours are moving today - I had got the impression a few days ago that it was a few weeks before the actual move so a bit of a surprise to see the removal van outside when I got back from my morning run.

Saying goodbye isn't really something I'm that good at - intense emotions and I just get lost so tend to avoid them ... there is probably also a legacy from my father who was an evacuee during WW2 and although I can't consciously remember him avoiding goodbyes I can't remember him really taking part in them either ... it's something I'm aware of so try to be a bit less of an ignorer of the fact that I have an emotional response these days. I wouldn't say that they were really much more than neighbours - but it is a change and I'm not really good with change either ... and may be its a reminder of how transitory relationships can be ... and I don't think I ever got over losing my best friend at nursery school when I was 4 - was there one day and then moved away the next and never saw her again ... and have never had a friendship that I felt was like that since so maybe there is a bit of the emotional memory of that pain going on.

Anyway, I did sort out a few bits and gave them to the husband so they had something to remember me by and he gave me a bit hug and said he'd miss mowing my lawn :)

A few weeks back a colleague left at work - he's another one who doesn't really feel comfortable doing emotions but was someone that I'd chatted with quite a bit as we were often in the office together quite late ... I had to leave before his leaving do and think I was probably having a few problems coping with large groups of people at that time anyway - so I looked him out about the time I was leaving and made sure that we did have a chance to say goodbye and he gave me a big hug and seemed very grateful that I had made the effort. That made me feel good - can still keep in touch as he's working for a related organisation so not the end of the world.

Yesterday I finally had my appraisal meeting for year ended 31/3/13. Was a lot of a bummer really - not in terms of getting a bad assessment but in terms of making me feel that there is no hope for the future. Boss saying that I've been there for 7 years and I'm not happy and it must be time to go. I'm feeling that I don't know what his natural role is within a team but I certainly don't feel it is leader (or certainly isn't inspirational leadership). I worked in a related organisation with him over 10 years ago and I'm aware from that that, although he tries to be supportive, he really doesn't manage to do that. He's very task orientated and I don't think he can get past that. Another colleague came up to me a few weeks ago and empathised greatly having had B as a boss himself for a number of years. Another colleague got to the point where she had had enough and handed in her resignation at the end of last year even though she didn't have a job to go to so know that isn't me - though I really can't put my finger on what it is that he is doing wrong.

On one level it isn't my problem - its his and the organisation so I shouldn't be feeling that I need to solve it (Note: listen to self - good advice) - and if I'm completely honest it is things that are going on in the organisation as well that are making me feel bad - massive restructure last year which started without any clear idea about what actual costs would be or even what the reporting structure was so rather than finance team just preparing management accounts each month I found myself continuously having to redraw reporting templates. We also have a new director so everything feels as if it is continuing to be up in the air. I just don't feel I can provide systems that are as responsive as all this change requires (and I don't actually believe anyone else could with the resources that we actually have).

Last year I was miserable. I had very little support from HR whilst trying to performance manage a member of staff - partly because they were as overstretched as Finance coping with other changes and partly because of staff changes within the team. This seems to have changed now and I have had some quite good support over the last couple of months. I was out of the office for few months with a broken ankle and nobody picked up the performance management so quite stressed about having to start it all over again - but have done that. Report concerned does seem to be focusing on things a bit more strategically - so there may be hope there - though communication is still quite difficult.

I also feel as if there is nothing creative in my job and boss seemed to be confirming that. The more I reflect on it the more I think it is actually time he went and found something else - which is another thing he more or less said in the appraisal.

Find the whole thing a bit bizzare - to shocked to really feel angry about it :)

Really don't know that I'd be happier anywhere else and sort of putting off doing much possitive about looking for another job - something will turn up. Trying to focus elsewhere rather than going mad thinking about work - had a week off last week and was actually feeling more positive in many respects but yesterday was a bit of a bummer ... or at least that bit of the afternoon was. Today has been my day off so I've had time away from it doing other things - like looking at butterflies - think that is good for mindfulness - certainly makes me feel a lot calmer. Its rather dull at the moment so I'll probably not go out again for the butterflies - just do a run at dusk and say hello to the bats instead. Physio on the ankle tomorrow.

Still putting off going back to the GP.


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5 Replies

  • Hiya, I really liked the title of your blog.

    I can empathise with the work situation. We've had two new people in charge since September, both are relatively inexperienced and they run a 'like it or lump it' regime. In just ten months, three people have left and three have gone off on the sick. I don't like or agree with a lot of their policy but because I'm senior management myself, I'm expected to 'support' them.

    I think it's terrible that it was suggested to you during your PM review that you might want to look elsewhere. No one should be made to feel like that. I hope it hasn't upset you too much? X

  • Had been feeling as if it might be time to go ... but think its probably more him and the way he is feeling about the place - starting to over-react to things a bit. Latest thing is the expenses system and being fed up with people going on about how paperbased ours is (though have one colleague - god bless - who was over the moon when he found it that we didn't have an electronic system after wrestling with an electronic system in a related organisation. I work in the charity sector so it isn't as if people aren't caring or as if my boss isn't caring, just that when he gets stressed he gets so task orientated he just loses those around him because they get fed up with the message that we are all on our own and nothing is going to change - which is the vibe I'm getting and I think was what made the HR manager leave.

    I watched a bit of that program on the call centre on BBC but stopped after a very short while because the management practices were so painful.

    Can't claim I'm the most person focused manager either so understand that it's just that he does seem to be at one extreme and I'm still struggling to put my finger on what is happening and keeps happening - His strategy is obviously to move on to a fresh challenge which is probably right for him but I'm not sure it is right for me.

    I think for me it is partly the fact that I spent a year off from a job with depression just before I got this one (on reflection that was an even worse situation - government reorganisation and no-body knowing what the hell they should be doing ... and marriage breaking up). Its not the first time that an organisation has got to me but going elsewhere hasn't always been necessary and I have come back from it.

    Do your HR people put together retention stats that could may be be used as a starting point for saying 'there is something going on her?' - though may be they are doing it deliberately because they want to change the whole shop - though I'd have to say I think that is unlikely to work because you would always get stuck with a few people who just don't move on.

    Hope you are managing to focus on things outside work enough to keep your (in)sanity

  • Are you cancer ? was born in June ?

  • No, Taurus - end of April

  • a sign which is deligent