Seeing 'the face', not the real me?

I have an excellent GP, but sometimes I feel she doesn't really understand how bad I am.

Because I plan things which involve meeting people with shared interests - e.g. Christianity, rats and photography, and do some 'computer buddy' time at the library, she thinks I am an extrovert! I'm really far from it, and find social situations - unless I can be 'in control' - very stressful. I am very interested in the Myers-Briggs Type Inventory, which I have done twice formally, and each time come out as ISTJ - all pretty strongly - especially the 'J' - apart from my writing I have little concept of spontaneity and much prefer planning, closure and detail. To help me see 'the big picture' I am increasingly using Mind Maps (as described in Tony Buzan's books.)

She also says I 'cope well' because I have plans to address some areas which contribute to my depression:

- finance

- cluttering (coping VERY badly!)

- pet problems

- use of helplines

- counselling

- internet use

She has referred me to the 'old age' CMHT - I'm waiting to hear from them, but I really feel that, because I take a logical, practical approach to things she doesn't realise how much of the time I struggle with suicidal ideation etc.

Does anyone else find this?


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2 Replies

  • I think the medics struggle with depression where people have a strong social network around them and lots of activities that they are committed to and keep them getting out of bed in the morning etc. That was my experience several years ago when the depression was really really bad (death of father, break up of marriage, job from hell).

    I really don't think the medics understand the whole suicidal thoughts side of things - so their focus is whether they think you are a suicide risk rather than the pain that comes from the fact that you are fighting off these thoughts.

    So, think that it isn't just you :)

    I think - and this comes from also talking to people who aren't depressed - that thoughts of death/suicide are actually a strategy that the brain uses when stressed - it's looking for an out and death/suicide is an out, and available when other outs don't seem to be there, so it is actually a comforter. I've had someone describe how they got distressed by the prospect of nuclear war and the thing that calmed them down was looking at the plants in the garden and identify which ones they could use to end their life should anything kick off. I've had another friend tell me that he'd had a really bad experience at a lecture with a friend criticising him very badly and found himself thinking of throwing himself off a bridge he was walking over - it was a way out - but not one that he intended to take and prompted him to look at other solutions.

    I know that for me a few months ago the strategy had gone rather wrong and I was finding the thoughts very intrusive - viscious circle of being stressed - brain suggesting suicide - me finding that distressing - brain tries same strategy with more thoughts of suicide .... don't know if any of this sounds familiar. My way out - which is sort of mindfulness - was to recognise that the thoughts are different from me - don't have a choice about them coming but do have a choice about how I react to them. So, I visualised them as unwanted visitors. I had the choice of hiding in the house and hoping that they would go away (which is what I was doing) or I could open the door and just say 'not today thank you' and know that they would go away, so I stopped cowering and starting opening the door and saying 'not today thank you' when the thoughts came. I thought it would take weeks or months for the thoughts to get the message but I was determined to get the message. In fact it took just a few days. Not saying that it will work for you in the same way but it may be worth giving it a try - anything has to be better than feeling totally at mercy of the thoughts - that really is horrible.

    Thinking of you

  • Everyone has different sides ,it is so common that you got up in the morning facing in the mirror staring just 2 minutes ,you hardly know who is her ? in my opinion ,that is real that just sometimes we throw ourselves into it ,we need to pull outselves out from it in time ,or the big problem is coming to you ...

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