I have suffered from depression for years and have been hospitalized twice. I thought my life was getting back on track. I had love for the first time in a long time. He has now left me and I can't deal with the pain again. I've been in bed and not eaten for 5 days now. I have a good job at the moment. I'm not in great financial shape. I have no friends and only a sister who is good but doesn't understand.

I feel like I'm going under again. I have been researching suicide methods and I'm scared. No one can love me. Everyone leaves me. I drink a lot to block the pain. I wanted to find love and have my own family and friends with stability but now it seems too late. I'm 43 and desperately lonely and unhappy. I don't want to be the person I have become but can't see a way out.


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9 Replies

  • I'm lying in my bed trying to put into words what I want to say. I get so much of how you're feeling, but I can't seem to articulate myself this morning. I've only actually really loved someone once in my life, and when he left it tore my world apart. I really, truly understand how it feels to lie in bed crying, imagine suicide methods.

    I'm treading carefully here, but I'm thinking that if you've been researching for five days but haven't done anything, something has clicked and you've realised it's not the solution. And it really isn't. There is a life out there beyond this horrible mess you're in just now.I know that there seems no hope for you at the moment but that DOES get easier, I promise.

    I know you don't feel like eating, and it won't do you ny harm to have some days without, but you must drink. Are you getting enough fluids? A drink with a straw is nice.

    Don't think about ten years down the line and whether or not you'll be in another relationship. Think about what's important now. And for you that's building your strength back up and beginning to face the world again.

    I'm here most of the day, today, so keep posting. I'd really like to know how your day is going x

  • In sll honesty I bought all this on myself. Every one I have ever loved leaves me. I have been a functioning alcoholic for years trying to mask the pain of depression and bad things I have had to deal with in the past. My last hope of happiness has gone. I was drinking and being someone who wasn't me because I don't like me and neither do others. I deserve this. But I honestly can't see a way through the pain. Again. But thanks for the kind words. X

  • I don't believe that people bring bad luck on themselves, and you certainly do not deserve to be feeling so sad. No one does. Life has a funny way of sending more misery in the direction of certain people, it seems. Yet others may well consider your life to be better than their own. I know you say your sister doesn't understand your situation. Could you make use of her, not as someone to understand, but as someone to take your mind off what has happened? Maybe go out for a walk? Have you managed to have anything to eat or drink yet? X

  • I have had water. Not been able to get up yet. Can't even watch tv. I have some soup and smoothies in so I may try to mix a smoothie with water tomorrow. You are probably right about how others see my life. Outwardly I probably look ok. The reality is different. I drink, am in debt - no one at work knows that. Tomorrow I will try to go to my sisters house but can't today X

  • to make matters worse I have weakened and sent messages to my ex - that was pathetic - also found him back on a dating site. It isn't his fault. All mine. I never let anyone close and lose everyone. I don't have close friends. He said to be in a relationship I needed to love myself first and needed help to do that.He is right but why couldn't he help me through. I messed up yet again. I know it sounds pathetic - a 43 year old woman talking like this, when I am to blame and there are so many more important things out there. But i really don't think I can do this again. I haven't had a drink but I am about to do so to blot this all out. Again. I usually do it with a packet of night nurse tablets but I can't go out. I do this quite a lot - every opportunity I get and have done for nearly 10 years. At least once a week and more during holidays. I'm sorry

  • First of all don't be sorry. I know you are going through a difficult time, we are here to try and help you through this. Now is the time to try and heal yourself. I am sorry your sister doesn't understand, Can you maybe ask her to come round for a cuppa if you don't feel like going out? Please try and eat something. I'm here if there is anything I can do to help xx

  • Sending a message to your ex is absolutely NOT a weakness. It's a perfectly understandable thing to do and I have no doubt you'll send plenty more. I still send the odd text to mine when he's in my thoughts, and we went our seperate ways four years years ago! It's not pathetic, it shows that you care.

    I wouldn't read too much into him using dating sites again. He's probably hurting and it's his way of trying to make you feel jealous. No one comes out of one relationship and happily into another straight away. I feel a bit sorry for his victims to be honest.

    You must get out of the mindset that you're not entitled to experience these feelings because you're 43. People fall in and out of love at 15, 27, 85, 61 and even 43! Breaking up doesn't get harder, easier, or more or less socially acceptable, according to age.

    The whole drinking thing is a bit raw for me, but I can tell from your reference to it in every post that it is very significant in your life and a contributory factor in how you are feeling just now. I'm not good at understanding why people drink, in fact I'm not much good at anything at all, but I know that mixing night nurse tablets with alcohol is not a way to be kind to yourself. I think you know that, too.

    I'm so glad that you managed to have water and the smoothie tomorrow sounds like a great plan. I'm sure your sister will be more than happy for you to visit her tomorrow, you'd be welcome to visit me if we lived closer x

  • I used to drink a lot due to what I have now been told was a "Significant traumatic episode" I had to stop Drinking due to having to take Morphine (and the two dont mix Honest) I lost everyone I think I ever loved due to alcohol ! I was with my Partner for 22 years + was never unfaithfull to her yet my past lovers I was always unfaithful ! I know I will never find the Love that my ex and I had! I have been Lucky enough that although she "Loves me" she is "NOT in love with me" (only a woman could come up with that kind of expression) we are now just best mates which to be honest I do not deserve ! Suicide is the wrong way to go about things and I DO Really know that tried it and got the "T" shirt for the most inept attempt! I have absolutely No memory of the attempt but was hospitalised for over a year getting skin grafts etc etc etc So please rather than think about it try to think positive because I am sure if you face up to whatever your problems are you will at least be able to do somethiing about them! it wont work overnight but I am sure that they will become easier to deal with ! I really hope I am right in what I have said as I have after so many years (I am almost 50) I have at last agreed to have a meeting with a mental health worker! I wish you Luck and hope that when you are down you visit here as there are many folk who are either going through similar problems or have "GOT" through them ! I know if I had not come on this site I would probably have been either sectioned or dead!!

  • One step at a time. Number one priorty would be to re asses your life values. We often hold on to beliefs that are outdated or out of sync. Try to eat and rest when you can, write stuff down and see what thoughs are pointless and what you can do to change them, accept the things you cant change and change , little by little the things you can.

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