Rubbish time at Kaleidoscope

[Suzie40]

I should have considered that after a day of training on recognising the signs of sexual abuse, I might not be in the right frame of mind for counselling.

It always starts with him handing me a piece of paper, on which I am supposed to position a little cross on a line that sums up how I've been feeling about different things. I quite like that, it's quite mathematical. But today I just couldn't write anything. He always goes away and gives me time to think. I looked at the paper. I looked out of the window and wondered why a particular rooftop was such a strange shape. I looked at the pen and decided I'd like one similar. I looked some more at the paper and some more at the pen, then twiddled the pen a bit. Then he came back and noted that I'd not written anything. I asked him if I had to, he said no. Then we sat in silence for a bit. Then he asked me what was wrong and big fat tears trickled down my face.

Throughout the hour I stared out of the window while I talked. He is so nice and he asked me all the right questions about my Mum and how things ae going. I told him I was fed up of waking up with sad thoughts about her. We discussed whether those feelings coud be deemed suicidal and he explained that he has a duty of care to try and find out.

At the end he went to find his diary. While he was gone I had a look at his notebook. He'd written:

Little eye contact

Upset

Resentful

I didn't know they had to make these kind of observations and now I'm reall worried what else he might have written.

I might continue this later ...

[Hidden]

Hi Susie,

I thought of you this afternoon adnd looked to see whether you have posted a blog but notice you hadn't.

The session sounds really hard. It was tactless of him to leave his notebook where you could see it without sharing his observations with you and the word resentful doesn't seem to fit with how you were feeling so perhaps you might ask him about what made him think you were resentful. I can't imagine how those words will help him to understand you - but it is good that you find him nice and that he asked the right questions so you felt safe enough to feel while you were there, that sounds good. Stick with it, however hard at least you are sharing how you are feeling which is half the battle.

Suexx

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

I still dont trst counsellors I think they leave the notes to see if you do look! I am still waiting for my interogation I know that sounds harsh but thats what it felt like to me last time a few years ago! sorry I couldnt be more positive but I know how susie feels and I do know I am wrong as per normal!! I really do hope things work out for you Rosie its hard sometimes but we do seem to have a survivor streak in us ! if we didnt I dread to think what would have happened to me!

[Hidden]

Hi

Yes, mistrusting a counsellor is only natural, after all we were let down in the past so it's hardly surprising that we expect to be similarly let down. Suexx