I'm back from visiting my daughter in Mexico City - I was booked for a three week visit but actually came back after 10 days as a result of feeling so ill. The altitude made me very breathless, pollution levels were at their highest for many years and the temperature was over 90 so the combination meant I struggled to do anything. Then there were lots of other stresses including an earthquake (!) a neighbours all night party that was loud enough to wake the entire neighbourhood and the dreaded diarrohea which left me weak and almost a stone lighter, although annoyingly I've since regained some of that weight which is a shame as I need to lose it! The experience was a bit of a nightmare althugh it was lovely to see my daughter and meet her boyfriend and his family.
Since returning home I've been feeling low again. The diarrohea is clearing up I think so that's ok, but I have no appetite, constantly feel negatively about things and easily break down into feelings of distress and despair. I'm finding writing to an attachment figure helpful but as soon as I finish saying what I need to then I feel lifeless and despairing again and only find it's relieved by going back to the letter and spending more time on that. My life feels so narrow and I just can't find any motiviation to change that. I saw my GP and have asked to be referred for CBT although I don't have belief that it will help with my particular negativity as I understand the causes and many of them have a basis in reality - can't get work, can't sell the house, husband drinks and doesn't relate, no extended family, both children the other side of the world, joint problems, etc. etc plus all the feelings left over from childhood, especially anger and distress for which I am STILL having therapy.
Writing all this is helping for a while anyway. I'll have a look at all your blogs - I've replied to a few but there will have been lots more while I've been away. I hope you are all ok and coping.
I thought about you lots while you were away. I'll have a proper read of your blog when I get home x
Hello and welcome back...I really empathise with this blog so much.....
I only had a long weekend away but I'm so low after it.....
Going away makes you restless ,emotional, exhausted, and coming back seems some kind of bloody reality check.....
Hope the day gets better for you...
Sue xx
in reply to
Thanks, yes it was totally exhausting, especially with the heat and poor oxygen levels. I felt so relieved to be home and am looking out at our garden full of lovely colour - I feel so lucky - but even that doesn't improve my mood. Now I'm listening to music I love on Classic fm as well - the world is lovely and it distresses me that I can't manage to be happy despite all that. I guess the unhappiness is more about a lifetime of loneliness and not about physical things - the world is lovely...
Thanks for your thoughts. I'm sorry you also feel low after your weekend away.You are right about the reality check - I realise even more since returning home how empty my life is, how I no longer want my marriage and how I feel trapped in so many aspects of my life and feel angry with myself for having got myself into the situation.
Life can be exhausting sometimes, I often think about suicide but don't and won't actually harm myself because that wouldn't help and would just cause further problems. I don't actually want to die, just for the anger. distress and despair to end and for my life to be more satisfying - someone I don't know how to make it like that, despite being intelligent I seem unable to find the things that will make me happy. I don't know whether you can relate to that too?
Thanks for your kind thoughts.
Suex
in reply to
Sue, it could have been me writing that reply I really understand, I guess the only difference is , I don't have a partner...I feel so lonely with this it's untrue, I feel ungrateful too....I have longed for a relationship for some time now, and that is changing I'm realising it could only complicate things right now.....and reading yours and others blogs I can see that relationships don't always give us the happiness we crave..I'm sad about it but coming to terms with it.....
Sometimes I think it would be so nice to meet have a coffee and a chat with like minded people, this site helps a lot. Talking to people who understand is so good, my loneliness is because I've cut myself off from people who don't understand, it's too hard to maintain the friendships as I don't know how I'm going to feel each day and I have a fear of letting people down.....
I am having CBT at the moment, my therapist seems quite good, had about 6 sessions, to be honest it's just nice to be around someone to talk to who understands....I found it a little painful at first discussing things but I thought well it won't help for sure if I am not honest.......
Thinking of you..
Sue xxx
in reply to
Hi Sue,
Yes it would be nice to meet with like-minded people. It's sad that you cut yourself off from people, but if they don't understand then doing that can be a healthy self-protective measure as being around people who don't understand can be worse than having no-one. My parents are dead but do I have a sister and always feel sad that because she is unable to understand me I find I don't like being with her and we have no contact at all. I am lucky in that I have one very good friend who accepts and supports me although she doesn't live very near and is about to go away for several months which I know will make it harder for me to cope. I also have several other friends who live at a distance but are generally understanding - I'm lucky because they all work within the mental health field and understanding other people's problems is probably what enables them to remain healthy!
I'm glad you are finding the therapy helpful, It is good having someone to talk to who understands - make sure you talk with her about how to cope afterwards with the loss of the relationship with her after you finish. The irony for me is that I am a trained therapist but let my national registration lapse and am unable to get it back without re-training so am due to start on a CBT training myself in September but now I feel too negatively to imagine either doing the course or how doing it might help me get back into working.
During childhood I experienced emotional neglect and abuse, then sexual abuse and a breakdown, and although I have all the insight and understand why I feel the way I do that doesn't help me to cope any better. I know sexual abuse often leads to dissociated sets of feelings which is why I think that I am struggling now. I've just phoned the local care team and will get an appointment to see someone in order to discuss what supports and therapies are available locally as up until now I've mostly been able to keep my need for help within the private sector. It feels depressing to know I need something more than that.
What a shame you had to come home early! Probably better here than there if you're feeling poorly though! How was your daughter? What's her boyfriend like?!
Fancy there being an earthquake during the ten days you were there! That's crazy! What was it like?
I'm really sorry sorry that you're not feeling too good at the moment. I hope you manage to pick up soon. In he meantime, it's great having you back x
My daughter was fine. We had a very emotional row as a result of her not having thought through the implications of my staying with them - everything was difficult for me, eating, sitting, sleeping, getting out, a neighbours ALL night loud party - I was incredibly stressed and felt physically ill - however we did manage to resolve things amicably - she was understanding and we have a good relationship. I didn't take especially to her man but he was fine.
The earthquake was actually something and nothing although quite high on the Richter scale and could potentially have caused damage and deaths. It was just like being extremely drunk and swaying continually for perhaps a minute, then things like plants continuing to sway for another minute or so and that was it - nothing significant, but very frightening for my boyfriend's family as they lived through the earthquake in 1985 when 40,000 people were killed and the family had been involved in underground rescue.
Yeah, I feel really low. I've been stuck in a state of anger and despair for a long time now and although I am able to feel happy when with friends or find myself doing something I enjoy the rest of the time I am feeling without meaning in my life and without motivation to do anything except pass the time writing to someone I am attached to or like this. I think about suicide most days although I won't and don't actually harm myself. I just feel really negatively about everything, angry and helpless. I've seen my GP about a referral for CBT as it can help with some kinds of depression but I don't know whether my kind will respond - I thought I would give it a go, although yesterday I spoke to the receptionist at the service and she was so insensitive saying things like "well have you been sexually abused because if so..." - (as if I'd want to tell a receptionist something as personal as that!) and said I would get an assessment telephone call - that made me want to cancel the referral, but I guess I just need to keep my cool and say I would prefer to be assessed face to face. How on earth do they expect someone to talk about personal issues over the phone with someone they haven't even met!
How are you keeping? I haven't read your blogs for a while having been away so I don't know what's been going on for you - I'll have a look in a minute. I hope you're reasonably ok. Thanks again for your thoughts.
Welcome back, sorry to hear that you don't feel great. Now a trip abroad with an earthquake and pollution of Mexico city and travel stress would get anyone down. I think its not really the trip that was the problem, I think when we go away even for a weekend, we get a bit of distance from our day to day lives and it enables us to look objectively at the lives we are leading or our daily lives, now this has been my experience. It can be very difficult as we see our lives as they are like someone looking in and start to feel critical and miserable and stuck.
I totally understand your lonely and unhappy, but maybe write down some little things you could change to make you feel a bit better. Some things will take a long time like a marriage problem, or selling a house. But thing about what is really important to you as a person, could be starting to write, any interest, and do that. I too always feel I am intelligent yet I don't cope very well and am always playing catch up. Its like I am never organised and get really down over this. Maybe none of this makes sense to you, but if you try and work on changing one thing about your life now, it would help.
I live alone so I don't feel unhappy with someone, but I do feel lonely sometimes, and sometimes I think My God I am sixty four now, when am I going to get my life right.
Sue take it day by day and be good to yourself. I dont blame you not giving that Receptionist all your personal details, imagine talking about all that personal stuff so casually. Some of them are clueless. Please mail me any time too.
I agree entirely that it is not the trip that's the problem - the feelings I had before I went just made it more difficult to cope with conditions there.
Yes I did the list of things, I did a life plan some time ago as well but found all the things collapsed. I did a four year training as a therapist then couldn't get work, we have been trying to sell the house for seven years, my husband has end stage renal failure and we had a short spell of marital therapy but he wanted to discontinue, I've investigated what's available locally and there isn't anything that interests me but if in the city I used to live in there are lots of possibilities hence the wish to down size and move back there... I agree with the bit about changing one thing and before going to Mex started at the gym in order to lose weight but since getting back I haven't yet managed to get back into doing that.
I'm sorry you feel lonely sometimes. We are more or less the same age, I'm 6f3, and I feel lonely most of the time despite being married, apart from when I see one or two friends or my daughter comes home from Mex and stays for a few days. I felt lonely throughout my childhood and much of my adult life too, and when I feel lonely now it takes me back to those feelings which I couldn't cope with then, hence I struggle now.
Thank you for your kind thoughts, it's nice to have the website to write on isn't it. I've just come across another one, mental health forum, and am joining that as well as I find writing really helps with the feelings, although it isn't productive in changing behaviour. I'm a writer by nature, so writing suits me really well.
Take care and thanks again,
Suex
in reply to
Just to add that I had a look at the forum and found it awful! far too many people just ranting on about nothing, very different to this one which I find great! x
in reply to
Hi again Hannah
Just a thought - what's the name photogeek about? Are you into photography? Just asking as I am an artist as well as trained therapist and I did a lot of photography, so wonder if you do as well.
So many things went on during your holiday and you have returned unwell , it's no wonder you are feeling so low. It's always so hard to leave family too.i am sure when you are over the tummy bug and trip you will begin to feel better. Tired body and mind = stress and anxiety. I do wish you well and in better spirits soon. All the very best . xxx
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