The White Rabbit put on his spectacles. `Where shall I begin, please your Majesty?' he asked.
`Begin at the beginning,' the King said gravely, `and go on till you come to the end: then stop.'
If only my first Parkrun had gone like that! But Lewis Carroll was talking about story telling. So I’ll start...three quarters of the way through what I will loosely refer to as my "run".
This is where the rear walker introduces me to the marshall on the corner who, since the previous soul passed this way, has collected in all the markers from his section of track; written his memoirs; done both of the Times crosswords; popped to the shop for some milk; grown a beard and is now wondering out loud why on earth I chose "possibly the hardest Parkrun in the country” as my first.
But I don’t want to spoil the end. Rewind and we find our hero preparing for a quest.
Son, Saul, arrives about 8am in need of coffee. We shoot the breeze (the breeze shooting season started yesterday) and generally pretend to each other that we are absolutely fine with what is about to happen. He hasn’t run at all for a month and it was a few months before that since he has run regularly. But we are going to be okay because I know everything because I’ve just graduated Couch to 5k, dontchya know?
So we leave it as late as we dare and head up to Lyme Park - about 15 mins drive from mine to their car park. Still 10 minutes early. We lurk. We linger. We see people warming up in ways I find frankly terrifying.
It is very humid - 92%, way the highest I have ever run in - but only 15 deg C and there is a really nice breeze.
Reaches almost 9am and we drag ourselves towards the gate which is the start line for the run. We lurk at the rear. Someone with a megaphone on silent tells us stuff that I can’t hear but which provokes applause and cheers at various points. Dogs barking are the real reason I can’t hear anything. And although I certainly don’t dislike dogs, they make me nervous. (Frankly, Jay, what doesn’t?)
The thing I do hear is "and our volunteer tail walker is Mr Daniel Something". Ah, Daniel. Danny boy. Dan. Daniel and I got on good terms by the end. A potential bestie. We talked. A lot.
So it is that magic time. Someone shouts go and Saul and I seem to have the park to ourselves again.
At the end of this post will be a link to a speeded up YouTube video of the course. The start is a long drag uphill. We agreed to stick to my routine - 5 minute brisk walk, 30 minute run, 5 minute walk, then, depending how we feel, walk/jog to the finish. Oh how I’m chuckling reading that now!
Now the problem with two blokes who haven’t done this together before is getting the speed right. We were both so eager to keep up with each other that we walked uphill faster than I walk on the flat. The 5 minutes take in a 40 meter elevation gain and I did 0.41km (usually managing 0.39km on the flat pavement).
But Daniel's impressed. He is clearly struggling to make it up the hill at this speed. I later realise it is because we are too slow! And ahead of us there is no one in sight.
Terrain was rubbly but dry. If you wanted to find a place to twist your ankles, you could choose worse. Anyway, we aren’t here to walk. We are men! We come, build fire, steal women, drink beer, forget to wash up.
So off we pop for some gentle running. Now the upside of the briskness of the walk is that we got to the top of the first hill. Sadly, it was only the first of many. Off we run along a nice flat bit. Then the path starts to climb. About 6 minutes in to the running and my legs and lungs are exploding. This hurts. It’s not just the usual doubt kicking in.
What with the uneven terrain, the steep hill (I swear we went up 80 degree inclines, no, really!) and the humidity I know this is too much. All of my running so far has been on the flat - my usual run has a 2 meter gain. So I tell Saul I am going to have to walk the hills, sorry.
He has that angry look that only a very relieved man can imitate and says, for my sake, he will deign to walk the hills too. But next time, you know, try harder.
We slow to walking pace and find Daniel is already on our shoulder, offering words of advice. "Is this your first time doing this Parkrun?" No, it’s my first ever Parkrun. "Ah. Umm. Done much running before?" Nope, just graduated Couch to 5k. But there are 5ks and there are 5ks.
Daniel looks a little concerned. I’m guessing he realises the coffee shop will have sold out of his favourite by the time we get back. Even lunch might need pushing back.
On we walk up and up - an 81 meter gain on top of the 40 meters in what I am laughingly calling the warm up walk. Daniel tells me he’s worried we won’t get a decent view today due to the haze. Blinded by sweat I can’t tell.
We reach The Cage, and the descent starts. No excuse now. Gravity will do about a third of the work at this gradient. Ooh, a herd of deer pass by and Daniel suggests we try and get a ride back. I think it was a joke. The stag looked far too horny for me to approach.
So, running now, down a long descent on rubbly ground again. Yeah, not as easy as you’d think, is it? Trying my best not to go base over tip whilst Saul is just ahead trying to stay out of the splash zone if I do go down. Love does not extended to being flattened by your step-dad.
My breath is good, my legs are ok. Aware of a niggle just below the right knee that I’ve had grumbling away the past week or so. We come to the end of the descent and we pick up the marshal I introduced you to at the beginning of this. He folds up his paper, gets his shopping bags, and starts to trudge behind us as we head left...to another uphill section.
Determined to prove what goes down can go up I continue running. For a full three minutes. Then my lungs are exploding, as are my legs. As I slow to walking pace Daniel and his friend are already alongside me, slowly walking along, and we discuss the relative merits of other Parkruns which are flatter. Bramhall and Poynton get mentions in despatches. They don’t marshal there and I may be happier without so many hills.
"Only the last mile to go" says Daniel, cheerily over the sound of his rumbling stomach.
We walk at a brisk pace and my lungs are still wanting to explode. I ask Saul if he thinks they ever stretcher anyone off the course. Daniel and his buddy look concerned. I am guessing the task would fall to them.
The path flattens out again and I’m determined to cross the finish running, so I run again. Big sign "nearly there, keep going" or similar. Long flat path, running, running, this is fantastic, I can do this.
And then we round a bend and the finish line is ahead...up another steep effing hill! Whoever designed this course has a real sense of humour. I keep going but only make it two thirds of the way to the line before my legs just wont do this anymore (my lungs and heart are completely happy to go on, but my rib cage had other plans).
I walk to the line. Crowd control barriers seem a bit much for the two of us. Saul hasn’t brought his barcode (wise move given how slow we were) so I am the last of (I think) 98 runners, and by some distance from anyone who might have been running ahead.
Really friendly group at the end, all wanting to look at my adjustable Parkrun band.
By my timekeeping, we started at 0903 and I crossed the line, faffed, remembered my timer was still running at 0954. So my pb is 51 minutes, unofficial. [Edit: my official time is a hilarious 36:51. The tail runner was 49:47 and I was a few seconds ahead of him. I’ll take sub-50 mins for that route all day long.]
So, after that I am demoralised, considering myself a failure, giving up on this running lark, right? Wrong. I just had a great experience.
That is the hardest thing I can remember doing since telling my youngest about Santa (and we threw in the Tooth Fairy and the characters at Disney World for good measure - probably the worst 18th birthday present ever). I have only ever run on flat pavement before and never run in that humidity.
Doing C25K has given me the confidence to go and give that a go. To feel worthy of being there. To not feel embarrassed about my limitations - I’m new, for goodness sake, what do you expect?
I bit off more than I could chew. I need the reinforcement of the consolidation runs. I need to introduce some (reasonable) hills into my routine.
And I’ve characatured the marshals purely for comic effect (waddya mean it wasn’t funny?!) - they were fantastic with me. But we did get to chat. A lot.
Will I go back and do this Parkrun anytime soon? Hell no.
Would I research the courses a bit better and do a flat one? Yep, perhaps even next weekend (except they are celebrating the anniversary of the NHS so they are all going to be bonkers busy).
Lots of lessons. The voice in my head saying "stop running" is sometimes right, but only if there is a steep hill involved. I am still a puppy at this. But I absolutely love running, even when it’s too challenging for my ability yet. And I have gained a lot of confidence and resilience from this programme, borne out from rejecting my usual approach to hard things - try, fail, stop.
Sorry this turned into a story as long as my run. As promised earlier, here is the sped-up version of the run. I hope you don’t feel I was exaggerating the difficulty. [Note, this is not me doing the run!]
Aww hon!! To be fair you made it a very very very funny read. And I'm sure that was some dramatic effect in there. But I'd be in a mixed feelings place too.
Have a few runs on your tod for a bit. Find a less murderous parkrun. Give yourself a big hug for having the bollox to get out there and do that thing.
Those people out there today didn't know that our Jay is a top top bloke and is a runner. Well they're going to find out pretty damned quick.
Been thinking about you this morning wondering how you'd gone on .... watched the video before I'd read the post and assumed it was you running 😂 either way looks like you picked a stinker of a course.
Really well done Jay!!!! I loved your account of your adventures as the brave knight of the hills getting to the end as the hero of the hour! (That’s mine and quite possibly plenty of others of us on the forum’s take on it anyway!).
You are a lot braver than me as when I read this and looked at that hill, I was already exhausted without even leaving home!
Hope your new trainers are serving you well too!
We are right behind you( not on those hills though!)
Oh man that looks tough!! Baptism of fire! Seriously impressed though, and in 36 min is amazing! Well done! Ive just got back from 3.5k on the flat in this hot weather and I'm past it
Well done on your run - it’s not great out there, is It?
Saul and I are convinced the time is wrong. 47 mins maybe. Sub-37? Madness. I think we got a beginners discount or pity.
Next, well, I don’t know. Going to find a flat one close to home because I am bushed now. I reckon I’d need to make a weekend of it if I were going far - travel up Friday, stay overnight, stay until Sunday too so I have access to the room/bath after the run. And I’ve got lots of consolidation running to do.
How they mess up the timings? I've just had mine in and my sons was almost a minute later than mine, bit odd as he collected the token and got scanned before me, odd.
Walked it. Timings: I think they must have scanned the token in advance. I’ve emailed and asked if they can correct it, perhaps the first time someone has begged to be slower.
May be the case that someone crossed the line and didn’t take a token so everybody after that got the time of the runner one place ahead? If that were the case the tail runner would have got your time?
Still to do my first park run but I’ve been reading up with a view to starting them. They do warn people not to cross the line twice, and to take a token even if they’ve forgotten their bar code. Apparently what happens is the timers press the clock every time a runner crosses the line so there is a list of times. Then when they scan your token and bar code that shows what place you finished. If you finish 92nd you get the 92nd time on the list. If somebody ahead of you didn’t take a token then the system would think you finished 91st. Most people wouldn’t notice a small discrepancy but if the 91st runner was ahead of you by minutes rather than seconds you would realise.
But as you say you had a good experience. And thanks for a really entertaining read
Yes I will do - starting week 5 on Monday and thinking I might try a park run when I reach Week 7 or thereabouts. My local one seems to be pretty flat.
Also my local run has a pacer week on the last Saturday every month which if there are no unforeseen interruptions will be when I’m on week 8. I reckon if I warm up by walking from the bus stop to the start then 28 minutes could be following the 35 minute vest to the 4K marker and walking the rest ... going by my current pace though I’m aware I may need to get slower as I run further. Did many people use headphones on the run you were on?
Yeah they’ve screwed up the timing. The guy ahead of me was allegedly 9 seconds in front. And the back walker came across Just behind me at 49:47 - much more like it.
Hope you’re right! Hope everyone’s not super serious....your warming-up description really tickled me. 😂Nor had I factored in dogs into the equation. I’m not a fan!!
Wow Jay66 - what a choice for your first ever Parkrun. As a flat runner I would have found that very difficult. You made a brilliant time too. 👏👏☀️🏃♀️🏃♂️🏃♀️🏃♂️
Oh what a rip-roaring read. Best post ever. Congratulations on not only completing the parkrun but on doing your first on such a challenging course. Hills! Love your attitude, optimism and perseverance. You did so well, and as you said learnt some lessons that you will use going forward. Well done mate.
Still giggling, very funny and entertaining post. Thank you.
Hats off to you Jay!!! Sounds horrendous but wow you did it!! I thought our park run had inclines but yours is ridiculous. What an achievement - you should be sooooooooo proud of you - I am! x 👏🏼💪🏼👏🏼👏🏼💪🏼
Loved this post- that looks like an incredible course to tackle as a first go, beautiful too. Well done! I'm scared to try running up a hill, which is ridiculous - how can a Welsh girl who grew up in Snowdonia be scared of hills?! So you have given me some added inspiration to give them a go, though I might try building up a little more slowly
Yeah, don’t emulate me in most things, not least running! I used to do a lot of hill walking, mainly in the Brecon Beacons, but that was a lifetime ago. I forgot how hard they are to even walk up.
Laughed so much I was snorting - "He has that angry look that only a very relieved man can imitate and says, for my sake, he will deign to walk the hills too. But next time, you know, try harder". Well done getting round that at all - looks like torture to me. I'm only on Week 4, and so far have only gone out on very flat courses, from the sounds of it I should try a hill, or even a moderate slope.
Start with kerbs, knowing you can escape the Daleks if they ever chase you. Then move on to the slope of dropped kerbs. Build up slowly, like I didn’t 🤣🤣🤣
Absolutely brilliant post and brilliant that you did it. I would be happy too just to have gone out and done it. Awesome Jay!! Another running experience in the memory bank. Well done
Flipping ‘eck! You did it!! Sounds brutal. In Essex, we have no hills...just a few slopes. Couldn’t run up a hill if I wanted to. So, massively impressed. Ps keep the time...who’s to know!?? 👏👏👏
Well done! What you have done and how you have explained it is brilliant and very funny! You have actually made me feel like I could dare to do a park run so thank you for that! Xx
Hi Jay, hilarious account of your parkrun, had tears rolling down my face at times. Like you I've only recently graduated c25k and have registered for parkrun, but one of my biggest fears is finishing last. I think I'll carry on with my consolidation runs for a while longer. Loved your post though. 🙂🙂
Ask yourself this: what is so bad about coming last, were that to happen? It would be your best ever Parkrun time and your pb for that course. And your best finishing position!
According to Wikipedia the metropolitan borough of Stockport had a population of 284k people 17 years ago. So I figure you came in 98th of 284,000 people who didn’t bother trying. I’d say you nailed it. 😎👍🏻
They say you can’t come last because there is a volunteer back walker, but in truth you never come last because you’re always in front of those that didn’t try. I came 214th out of 302,400 people on my last parkrun. 😎🍻
That’s a fantastic read! And you have a great attitude to your experience! That’s absolutely the correct way to look at things.
You’ll be back soon to do it, run it and finish it.
I also mainly run on flat with minimum elevation and my local park run in Bedford is also flat, so this is what I’ll be doing! Along with a pre run walk of the route just to be sure after reading this!
Lyme Park! The cage you made me spluter my tea! There are benches for people to have a breather walking up there! Hilarious! Respect to you. Very funny.
By the way, not sure what 15 minutes from Lyme you are but if it's Manchester side Wythenshawe is perfectly flat as a pancake and won't have the famous mud in this dry spell.
Thanks - yes, I’m going to find a flatter course to flatter my running. There are quite a few around here that don’t require climbing skills, so I’m told.
But I also need to build up to do hills. As I live right next to the Peak District that won’t be too hard. But not yet!!
You’re my hero!! 😂. Well done on completing what sounds more like a marathon than a park run. I hate hills. Exhausting on the way up and scary on the way down! Loved reading your story. Made me laugh out loud!
The main thing is, you did it. You tried it, you finished it. Try an alternative Park Run next time and it’ll seem a whole lot easier. I haven’t had the courage to try one yet as I’m trying to consolidate the 30 minute runs and it’s been far more challenging than I expected. I felt overly confident when I graduated and have had a bit of a reality check the last couple of weeks. However, the only way we fail is to give up completely. Have a rest day and get back out there, even if it’s just a 30 minute plod. 👍
You are dead right, I need to get my consolidation runs in.
Loved this! Post and vid. OMG, that looks solid! Was thinking, this is probably what our Jullaly faces every run 😳 You did so well to complete this. Congrats! I'm pleased to hear it didn't put you off another. As a Parkrun virgin myself, I found this extremely helpful. Thank you.
Hot salt bath mate! Take a wee dram in with you to celebrate your amazing achievement. You probably didn't think 3 months ago you'd be running that. Hats off to "The man"!
I'd look into the age-adjustment thing too. From the other accounts above, and I think someone said hers and her running companion were placed the wrong way around, well, not if they adjusted for her age.
They have given me a percentage score that takes account of my age. But that is based on the wrong time. I am content to know I managed that course in under 50 mins.
Hilarious!! Very well done you, I'm knackered just reading this! Sounds like you have exactly the right attitude for this running malarkey - do what you can and enjoy it! One day those hills will be yours for the taking
Oh Jay look what you made me go and do, I’ve just choked on my toast reading your very funny post. Breakfast is never usually this entertaining. What an epic place to run your first parkrun Lyme Park, lovely photo too, brought back fond memories for me, the place not those hills though. In time, no doubt you will have fond memories too, but you did it. RESPECT! Now for a flatter course for your next one eh?
Jay - thank you so much for this post. It is definitely one for the book of this forum!
It’s so great that most people on here don’t take themselves too seriously with their running and can see the funny side when things don’t quite go to plan.
How does it feel to now have the ‘Go to’ post for anyone considering a park run? 😂
“I’m a bit worried about doing a park run”
“Well read this and don’t worry!” (Links to your post).
So glad you are physically alright and didn’t injur yourself - those rock strewn paths look deadly!
And of course very well done for completing the course! Herculean achievement!
After reading your post, I had to watch it and seriously you did amazing, well done! I’m on W8R2 tomorrow and have had this lovely idea that perhaps I will do a park run when I graduate .... now I know to look for some flat ones 😂
Well done for giving it a go, Jay! You have my admiration, and you went on and finished, however long it took. 😊❤️🎉🎉🎉
Next time you do this one you’ll be better prepared, as you’ll know what’s coming and have had chance to practice those dastardly hills!! (And I loved reading your funny account. When I hopefully graduate and start thinking of park runs, I’m now planning to walk the route first and check I’ve found a flat one!)
I laughed out loud reading this and really felt your pain of the Lyme Park Run. I know now to avoid that one! At least the one by me is flat. Really well done for trying and more so for finishing regardless of time. Think I would have told the tail walker to just carry on without me 😆 Good luck with future (flatter) park runs xx
I think Danny Boy would’ve put me on his shoulders and carried me in if I’d even suggested such a thing. He was determined to be last and wasn’t going to let some Johnnie Come Lately steal that crown from him!
Typically hilarious, Jay! Nearly spat out my tea a couple of times! I’ll be similarly affected by my first ParkRun this Saturday, I’ll betcha... No hills as far as I know, though.. Phew. 🤪
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you made me spluter my tea! There are benches for people to have a breather walking up there! Hilarious! Respect to you. Very funny. 
W8R2 - My First Parkrun (wow it was hot) 
My first parkrun!!!
First Parkrun: ✅ 🏃♀️❤️
First parkrun with my boy
