BOWELS PACE!!: Good afternoon fellow runners I... - Couch to 5K

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BOWELS PACE!!

danzargo profile image
danzargoGraduate
70 Replies

Good afternoon fellow runners

I awoke this morning absolutely knackered. I wanted to go on my 8K run about as much as I wanted to smear yoghurt all over my buttocks and roll in some nettles! However I forced myself to get up and got myself ready. Shorts and top, socks with a hole in (they'd do for this run, then get thrown out) and my Asics. Tallula the cat watched me suspiciously from a chair as I dressed, then followed me downstairs to eat her breakfast which I served for her!

I made it out the door having slugged some cranberry juice and chomped on 4 dried apricots and off I went on my walk to warm up. I started slow and decided to hell with the pace of this planned training run. I would go as slow as I wanted and not bother about the "FAST" part of todays run.

All was going swimmingly until around 5K when I noticed that "stirring" one gets in one's intestines. A very slight "Guurrrrggle.....splloooooosshhh" feeling made me aware that once I'd got home, my first port of call would be the great white telephone! I ignored the "grrrgghhhhllll" rumbles and plodded on.

At 6K I was at a CODE AMBER. The human body was preparing itself for a mass exodus and it didn't give a sh*t (sorry...poor choice of word there) that I was three kilometres from home.

"Oh Christ!" I said. "Better get a move on Dan boy. You don't wanna "Paula Radcliffe Special" happening on the Thames Path!!"

We've all been there. When you gotta go, you just GOTTA GO! I increased my pace. CODE AMBER was slowly moving into the CODE RED zone. I reached Richmond Bridge and had two K to go. Luckily the lights went red just at the point I arrived to cross the road. "PHHGGHHHIISSHHHHGHHH" said my large intestine. I went faster and tonked down the Thames Path heading for home and a glorious finale on the toilet. I imagined the peace and tranquility of sitting on my loo and sighing with relief. Until then though, I was out in public, running like the wind (sorry, again!) with my "bottle and glass" on a CODE RED!

Sirens were sounding in my head! Loud urgent "GET THE F**K OUT OF MY WAY" sirens. I had 1K to go and had the horrible image of my losing control of my bowels on St Margaret's Road in front of people waiting at a bus stop! "Don't think like that Dan!" I told myself. The more I thought about going, the more I wanted to GO!

My phone beeped 8K - but I couldn't stop and walk home. Becky Bowels wasn't having any of that! I kept running - tired now, cos I'd just done a 5:30K fuelled entirely on a desire to pass a motion (or three). I got to the alleyway which leads to my road and had to slow to a fast walk. I reached my house. Key in the door and took the stairs three at a time. I bounded down the corridor. Shut the door as quietly as I could so as not to disturb Mrs Dan (See? Even with my bowels at a CODE RED I'm considerate!). I yanked down my shorts.......

Altogether Now! SING!!! - "Heaven.....I'm in heaven.....And my heart beats so that I can hardly speeeeeak..."

And so endeth my tale of horror. It's the first time ever, out running, that I've had "the urge" so to speak. And what a ghastly experience it was too. Don't wanna have that happen again.....

Thanks for reading folks!

Yer pal

Dan.

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danzargo profile image
danzargo
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70 Replies
Toonlou24 profile image
Toonlou24Graduate

Omg!!! I am howling!!!!! That's hilarious!!! I've never even met you but I can just picture you sprinting through the streets of London desperate for a shite, knocking everything and everyone out your way! Mooooove!!!! Poooo alert!!!! Ha ha ha!!! Can totally get the relief aaaaaah feeling though!!! Nowt better than a good poo!!!! All that's left to say is I hope you opened the window and didn't gas Mrs Dan the poor wifey!!! Oh and yeah, was it a PB???!!!!! ;)

danzargo profile image
danzargoGraduate in reply to Toonlou24

Not a PB Lou....at least I don;t think so? My visit to the bathroom was a PB though. Definitely!

Toonlou24 profile image
Toonlou24Graduate in reply to danzargo

Ha ha ha!!! TMI!!!!!

Zev1963 profile image
Zev1963Graduate

Oh Dan, you always make me smile :D

I've been there, although my runs are usually much more devoid of other folk and more tree lined. However, although I have little concern about peeing in public should the need arise, I am somewhat more horrified by the prospect of pooing in public. Although I could probably get away with squatting near the trees when no one was around, I feel certain that whilst in the midst of the operation an old lady on a bike would come cycling past ! So I have so far held it in until arriving home. The relief is beyond description :)

danzargo profile image
danzargoGraduate in reply to Zev1963

I'm just a voice for the people!

jamsammich profile image
jamsammichGraduate

I warned my daughter about the treadmill and the effects of exercise on the bowels. She didn't listen.

She also didn't make it off the treadmill before she had to go.

A story for my future son or daughter in law. And pretty much all of her friends and strangers on the bus.

I'm glad you made it home!

danzargo profile image
danzargoGraduate in reply to jamsammich

Oh dear....poor daughter.....

Dunnja profile image
DunnjaGraduate

LOVL. Made my day. That'll be the apricots!!!!

danzargo profile image
danzargoGraduate in reply to Dunnja

I'm not sure if it WAS the apricots cos I eat those before every run...? Odd.

Dunnja profile image
DunnjaGraduate in reply to danzargo

Maybe not then but they have that effect on me!!! Either way made for a v amusing post danzargo😭😭😭.

You madea lot of us smile very broadly 😁

Sandraj39 profile image
Sandraj39Graduate

Ha! Ha! Well I guess the title was a warning! Never thought that 'too much information' would make me laugh so much! I am hoping your time reflected your super human response to such urgency?!

danzargo profile image
danzargoGraduate in reply to Sandraj39

Thanks Sandra!

AncientMum profile image
AncientMumGraduate

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahha :D :D :D heeheehee Oh my days!! Dan, I spilt tea on myself AND on the living room carpet reading that. You are one funny man.

Weirdly, that's the second post about runners' runnies today. There must be something in the air today. Thank goodness it's a rest day for me :)

danzargo profile image
danzargoGraduate in reply to AncientMum

Thanks AM. Hope you manage to get rid of those stubborn stains.. :)

Tomas profile image
TomasGraduate

lol, oh wow, what an adventure! And they say running is a peaceful and tranquil pastime?!

Glad you made it safely :)

Like AM I'm glad it's a recovery day for me, don't want to tempt fate by going out there today.

danzargo profile image
danzargoGraduate in reply to Tomas

Thanks Tomas.

aliboo70 profile image
aliboo70

Oh Dan! your descriptions of that run are So funny! made my day that has(its been a bit of a non-achieving day where plans have gone astray!) just pulled up to the computer with a cuppa about to catch up and your running runs tale really made me giggle! glad you made it back in time! supreme effort, and oh, the relief when you got through that door! :)

danzargo profile image
danzargoGraduate in reply to aliboo70

Glad it made you smile Ali. It made me grimace!!

Ugifer profile image
Ugifer

Ahhh!

After two of these stories today, I'm now officially scared of my evening's run tonight! Maybe I'll go to the gym instead where they have civilized things like loos....

Glad you made it!

danzargo profile image
danzargoGraduate in reply to Ugifer

Or wear a big nappy?

Noaky12 profile image
Noaky12Graduate

Oh my goodness. I am weeping with laughter at this particular exploit Mr Dan. At each sentence I was waiting for the "didn't make it" or "lost my keys" bit 😄

I'm not sure I would have such restraint if I'm honest, but that would result in a most uncomfortable & undignified waddle back...... 😄😄😄😄

danzargo profile image
danzargoGraduate in reply to Noaky12

Haha!! Thanks Noaky.

poppypug profile image
poppypugGraduate

It's those flippin apricots , they are the work of the devil !

Ha ha , Glad you made it back in time , Squeaky Cheeks !

Oh I bet those pert buttocks were clenched that tight , you couldn't get a bus ticket between 'em :-D xxx

danzargo profile image
danzargoGraduate in reply to poppypug

You're not kidding Pops....

Irishprincess profile image
IrishprincessGraduate

Ha ha. That's hilarious Dan. Soooo glad you made it in time. It's happened to me once and I had to find some bushes quickly. It's the only time I regretted wearing really bright gear! Still, if it's good enough for Paula......

danzargo profile image
danzargoGraduate in reply to Irishprincess

Well exactly....But there are no bushes where I live.....

agedsnailspace profile image
agedsnailspaceGraduate

Hahahahahah!!!! Hilarious post - though I'm sure it didn't feel as hilarious to you at the time. Almost had a similar incident at parkrun a couple of weeks ago, but luckily we run past the park toilet block half way round. Out went the potential pb, but the relief was immediate! Never has a slow time felt so good...

Glad you made it back.

danzargo profile image
danzargoGraduate in reply to agedsnailspace

PB's are over rated. Especially when you need to .....go.

AniaParky profile image
AniaParkyGraduate

Screamed with laughter whilst reading this Dan. Hillarious.

danzargo profile image
danzargoGraduate in reply to AniaParky

Haha! Hooray! Glad it tickled you pink.

c4ts profile image
c4tsGraduate

Having had to clear up the office dog's mess today she has been poorly all week, could take your post with a pinch of salt! Bet you are feeling good now knowing your negative end split was probably the fastest of the day!

danzargo profile image
danzargoGraduate in reply to c4ts

It's amazing what a bit of necessity does to a run c4ts!

coryluscontorta profile image
coryluscontortaGraduate

Thanks for cheering me up today, and for ensuring that I always ALWAYS go to loo before I run, even if it's just for a fart.

danzargo profile image
danzargoGraduate in reply to coryluscontorta

Well exactly!

PamJK profile image
PamJKGraduate

Very glad to hear you made it safely home. Have to say that's one of the reasons I'm pleased I'm a creature of habit, always (almost always) go within an hour of waking. I therefore NEVER go out for a run during this time! It's bad enough when you feel the need for a pee. Can't imagine the other.

danzargo profile image
danzargoGraduate in reply to PamJK

I pay tribute to your regular movements.

IannodaTruffe profile image
IannodaTruffeMentor

It's funny you should mention it Dan, but yesterday, while I was rolling my yoghurt smeared buttocks in the nettles, as I do before every run, I almost took Madame Truffe's prune juice out of the fridge instead of the red grape juice. I know from past experience that it goes straight through me.

The secret of course is to keep the apricots/prunes for refuelling part way through a long run, thus guaranteeing a negative split run at a respectable fast pace.

What are you like, with your runs.........

danzargo profile image
danzargoGraduate in reply to IannodaTruffe

I see what you did there....Nice.

Frank-ntj profile image
Frank-ntj

Dan that was a great post, I am smiling like a Cheshire Cat.

danzargo profile image
danzargoGraduate in reply to Frank-ntj

Meeowww!

TurboTortoise profile image
TurboTortoiseGraduate

HILARIOUS! All's well that ends well.

Though imagine the hideous scenario of having to stop to go, and accidentally wiping with giant hogweed...

danzargo profile image
danzargoGraduate in reply to TurboTortoise

Hogweed? I'm more of a tumbleweed person actually Em.....

poppypug profile image
poppypugGraduate

Ha ha ha :-) Good one Emma ! :-D :-D xxx

Prune profile image
Prune

Oh my. I read this post in Tesco and laughed out loud. Can't remember the last time that happened. I love a bit of toilet humour and coupled with Mr Dan's witty turn of phrase, it's my favourite post of the week!!

danzargo profile image
danzargoGraduate in reply to Prune

You can't beat toilet humour!

This is hilarious! You had me LOLing right here on the sofa. I'm glad you made it back in time!

danzargo profile image
danzargoGraduate in reply to

Thank you. It was a blessed relief....

ancientrunner profile image
ancientrunnerGraduate

Hilarious - SW London would never have recovered. Imagine the headlines in the local rag!!

danzargo profile image
danzargoGraduate in reply to ancientrunner

"MAN LOSES CONTROL OF BOWELS AT BUS STOP!" - I'd never go out in public again........

Toonlou24 profile image
Toonlou24Graduate

Well I shouldn't have taken the piss so much (or should that be the shits), as it's just bloody happened to me too!!! I'm not laughing now!!! Jeeeez!!!!! Didn't realise there had been two posts on this subject or I would have been more aware!!!!!! If that's possible!!! Thankfully I can say I made it too!!!! The relief!!!! :)

danzargo profile image
danzargoGraduate in reply to Toonlou24

Ta daaaa!!

Toonlou24 profile image
Toonlou24Graduate in reply to danzargo

;)

TwistaRuns profile image
TwistaRunsGraduate

That made me chortle out loud xxx

danzargo profile image
danzargoGraduate in reply to TwistaRuns

Hooray! Thanks!

Pen11 profile image
Pen11Graduate

So did you get a PB?

So funny reading this. My friend has started c25k this week and my first peice of advice was, always hit the loo before a run! I would just die if this happened, where we run is totally flat with no chance of bushes for modesty. And it's a car drive home 😳

danzargo profile image
danzargoGraduate in reply to Pen11

Good advice. I hope your friends heeds your most wise counsel.

misswobble profile image
misswobbleGraduate

Oh dear Dan, that did make me laugh. All's well that ends well, and I'm so glad you didn't wake Mrs Dan.

danzargo profile image
danzargoGraduate in reply to misswobble

Thanks MW!

grahammargaret profile image
grahammargaretGraduate

That is a fine description of what i have been told is joggers bowel. Laughing my head off here

danzargo profile image
danzargoGraduate in reply to grahammargaret

Joggers Bowel. I like that......

Tattoojunkie30 profile image
Tattoojunkie30Graduate

Oh Dan as usual you have cheered up my morning with a raucous running tale xxx glad you made it to the loo first and foremost 😉 is Mrs Dan ok? Did she pass out from the fumes? I can just imagine you bowling Londoners out the way in your desperate bid to get to the loo xxx hopefully the next run wont be as "urgent"

Happy panthering

danzargo profile image
danzargoGraduate in reply to Tattoojunkie30

Thanks TJ.

Rainbowsmurf profile image
RainbowsmurfGraduate

I started reading this and thought that what you do with yogurt and nettles is up to you (and clearly up to IannodaTruffe as well) and the rest is too much information.... but thank you. Made my morning. Hope I never have to post anything as funny. :-)

Glad you got home and hope you are OK.

danzargo profile image
danzargoGraduate in reply to Rainbowsmurf

Yes. I'm tickety boo ta. Thank you!

runner56 profile image
runner56Graduate

Ahh... the joys of urban running. :)

Just wondering why you didnt consider a small detour to a local convenience?

danzargo profile image
danzargoGraduate in reply to runner56

Because I would have $h*t myself!!

runner56 profile image
runner56Graduate in reply to danzargo

Time to WC your runs Dan. Once bitten..... :)

Memo: Never consume Jerusalem Artichokes and leave the house. This is all I'm saying... :(

vixiej profile image
vixiejGraduate

Fabulous Dan, brilliant post!

I am wondering about the sort of audience you are trying to attract with your tags though (buttocks, large intestine).... :-o

mfamilias profile image
mfamiliasGraduate

Nowt like a bit of toilet humour to spice up my day! LOL. What was your average pace on your run? Bet you made progress :) You reminded me of when I had to pelt through the centre of Milan for the same reasons - a dodgy pizza decided that it wanted out when we were visiting the town centre. I careened through town with my bro-in-law clearing the way ahead - nearly didn't make it. Put me off pizza for all of about two weeks, that did.

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