I run sprints in my mind all day, and night, most all days and nights for as long as I can remember. I'm running scared when I sit calmly comforting a client in court, I ache for the moment to hide a breath where no one can see me- always.
I was burnt out after a five hour child custody mediation and decided to put a dent in my mountain of clean laundry. I strive to achieve a minimalist lifestyle, but somehow manage to have eight pairs of black shorts, pants and I'm doing the same with denim and khaki for my toddler.
I listen to podcasts that I come across in bouts of insomnia and one in particular spoke to me.
It was referring to the "iron gate". The moment you come to a point where lifting the latch and walking through is all that is left.
For me, that latch is never lifted because of self doubt. I struggle to pull triggers. I spend hundreds of hours perfecting legal documents and sit on them for months. I have never been able to pin point what my "iron gate" is, but it is so clear to me now. My iron gate is self doubt.
If instead of hearing the voices of self doubt flossing my thoughts, "you can't" .."there's just no way" .. "you've screwed something up this isn't going to happen for you".. if instead.. I recognized those feelings and thoughts as ---the last step, already there.. just step into it.. perhaps I could have the life I have always dreamed of. After all, it's right on the other side of my stopping it.
It's amazing how something so profound played out practically in my life and home. I had a giant dining room floor covered in documents in piles collated and stacked to table heights and covering a massive area blocked off by chairs to hide my insanity so obviously displayed for all to see..
I stopped doubting myself and the need to hold on to these papers. I threw them in a box and filed them away and waxed my floors.
It was a real breakthrough for me. It made me wonder how many other cluttered and cramped uncomfortable spaces in reality I have been living in due to my need to clutter and cramp my growth with self doubt .