How do I cope being single again and looking like this?

First of all, I have a facial palsy caused by a total of 3 tumours in my head.It has been a very hard road and after 15/16 years I still can't accept how I look, I have endured around 80 hours of surgery to remove the tumours and to reconstruct my face. I hate the way I look. and quite frankly can't ever see myself as a beautiful woman. I hate what i see in the mirror.

I have recently split from my partner of nine years. He had an affair with a tall, pretty leggy blonde. I however am a petite brunette with half a paralysed face!. please can someone give me some advice on how to cope with the rejection and betrayal and the fact she was the complete opposite of me. I am terrified of my future and being alone. I am aware that i am not the kind of woman men look at in pubs/clubs (i hate them anyway) but how do I meet someone new,? people are so fickle and looks do come in to it. I know that my looks didn't bother my ex as he did see my inner beauty, but now I am left feeling so so low and even more unattractive than I ever did. We have a 4 year old son and I feel I am left to put on an albeit wonky smile to keep his life normal when in actual fact I am broken inside and desperately lonely. Any advice would be good, thanks guys.

P.s I have signed up for the Staines 10K and am doing it to raise money for changing faces and because of this making sure i get out the house and stop moping about.

7 Replies

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  • I think you are being too harsh on yourself! As the cliche goes, you have got to learn to love yourself before anyone else can love you too. I met boyfriend in a nightclub randomly and I never let my looks prevent me from talking to men but I think that is because I am confident and I am able to chat away to overcome the initial barrier of how I may look. That is the hardest part I would say.

    Your partner could have cheated on you with that woman no matter what you looked like, even if you had been tall, pretty and blonde yourself. That's his own ego issues there, not your fault. An ex boyfriend did that to me too and it crushed me but 6 years later he is still an idiot who cheats on his girlfriends.

    Best of luck for your 10K, what a great challenge to set yourself!

  • Hi,

    I can relate to your dilemma as I was born with facial palsy due to forceps at birth and I have endured feelings of low self esteem and feeling unattractive for most of my life In a society where looks count for everything it is hard for us to feel that we fit in but I have learned you have 2 choices as harsh as it is you put your life on hold or you fight back. I was married for 17 yrs I tried to make my marriage work as I was frightened of being on my own and thinking no -one would want me. However I did meet someone else through a friend and it restored my faith. Can I recommend you look at this wonderful support group for facial palsy at facialnervepalsy.com and also the recently launched charity facialpalsy.org.uk its a great source of help and support of which I am both a member.

    I felt very lonely after my marriage break up and I tried dating agencies but after putting my photo on there which for me took a lot of courage, I have no replies and it made me feel worse and rejected. I did however join a pen friend agency and met some lovely people incuding a few blokes whom I met and with corresponding through letters you can tell someone all about yourself so its not so bad when you meet up. I also joined a dance club and threw myself into things I enjoy, it takes a lot of courage but the more you put yourself out there the more you will find life will get better. There are a lot of men out there who are not fickle, and in my experience I have been told that personality is so much more than someone that looks perfect. I hope I have gave you some positive thoughts, there is help and support out there for you.

  • Hi Everyone,

    While I don't have an answer for you, I think it's an important and relevant discussion. One thing I try to do is remember to put an effort into boosting self esteem like we do to take care of our physical bodies. Maybe try incorporating a bit of it as you prep for the 10 k? Throuw in a smile in the mirror everytime you head out or repeating a positive self affirmation every morning, (I know it sounds cheesy but consider it a form or cognitive behaviour therapy; which has been known to be effective).

    Also I work for AboutFace (similar group to Changing Faces, but based in Canada). Our last newsletter focused on relationships and love in honour of Valentines Day. There are some great, honest stories in their from some amazing people. Please take time to check it out!

    You can find it on our website aboutface.ca or click on the following link.

    archive.constantcontact.com...

    Take care!

    Colleen

  • Every morning when you're looking into the mirror, just say 'I'm pretty.'

    Because beauty comes from within, it shines through your eyes (and it really does).

    Nobody can give you this, exept of YOU! Just believe in yourself and if you should start thinking about other people are prettier, take a close look at them. Everybody is not perfect and has any kind of 'blemish/flaw'!

    And all the people who try to give you the felling they are perfect, mostly really have a problem with theirself, inside where nobody can see ;)

    Take care, life goes on and it's brilliant!

    (Sorry, about my bad english, It's not my mothertongue)

  • Hi, i have lived with facial paralysis on one side for 29 years now so know where your coming from. Mine was also caused by tumours in my head. My husband was never bothered by my appearance, but i do always worry that he will one day go off with someone with a perfect smile. My speech has also been badly affected by these tumours so that makes me even more self concious

    i hope you can see a way through this, it is hard but maybe talking to others can be a help to you, please feel free to email me at corblowen@hotmail.co.uk if you want to talk privately.

    Take care hun

  • Hi - how are you ? Mike

  • It may seem funny but I’ve been on the other side - as it turned out the guy I was dating has a wife. When I found out it was like: “stop, why with me ? If you want to cheat you suppose to date tall, pretty, leggy blonde and not girl with facial disfigurement, right ?” So, you know, guys not always have affair because of looks.