Changing Faces
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Judgment

Somewhere in cyberspace I revealed something horrible...an accident that involved my father....an accident that I'll never ever forgive myself because it caused the death of the one person who loved me. Judgement is all around me, every breath I take reminds me of how much I hate myself. Every word, every stare, every sign, I'm reminded that I took a life. I think with me still being alive is God's awful punishment. Yes, I still have to work, I still have to breath in and out, but what kind of life is this, when you are tortured. I torture myself trying to mask going on. I don't need the outside world to remind me of what had happened. DAD I LOVE YOU!!!!! I'M SORRY AND WISH IT WAS ME, NOT YOU UP THERE!!!

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you say it was an accident. If you believe in after life, and if your father spirit is somewhere, i think he knows it. i think he would feel your actual emotional pain and grief, and i think he would like you to be strong and overcome this shit. If i was a dad, and my son did something similar to this to me, i wouldn't like his life to be in constant emotional pain, grief and regret like you are in this moment. There is no regret to feel because IT WAS AN ACCIDENT. You didnt wanted this to happen. I know if there is an after life your father knows it. What can you do now? simple, live, think, and believe that this just happened, you didnt wanted it, it was far over your control. Get it?

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I just wish that I could see him one more time....just a second. To tell him that I love him. I held his hand when he passed.....what a he'll of a thing to know that in is death shouldn't have ever happened this way. All's I can think of are the "if only's". As far as life and it's meaning.....i haven't a clue as to what it's all about. Why am I still breathing, why why why. It's pointless. When death is all around. Yes, we are all going to ddi

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Die, so why is it important to get up, go to work ect.?

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Life is pointless. Once in awhile I get a glimmer of hope, but far and few between. I was never this synical, but like anyone who has gone through trauma, one can't help it. People stay clear of me. BUT..like I wrote from the very beginning before I revealed my tragedy, it's my animals that are keeping me intact.

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Another aspect of life i question, is what's important. Why is it important to go on with life, why should I give a crap whether I go to the Dr for whatever....who gives a shit if i need a cbc or not. Life is over anyhow. Save that time for the Dr to treat someone young, someone not as far gone as me. That's how I've been analyzing life, at least my life. Man I don't mean to sound so negative. I'm trying though, I'm trying to find that small allusive light at the end of the tunnel.

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Please forgive me, I didn't mean to pour my heart out like this.....sorry

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Look mam, or sir, or, whatever. If you think about, i mean, if you really think about it, the only conclusion one can only get is that "life is pointless". I think so too. I mean, we accidently (at least 80% of human population were born by accident, very few were really planned and wanted by our fathers) born into this fucking world, then grow up, get a job, fuck because sex feels good (that of course works like this because is nature trap to make us reproduce) and then we get old and fucking die. Thats it. There is no mistery. There is no "we make ourselves the meaning out of our lives", fuck that shit, life is simple as i fucking wrote it. If some delusional motherfucker says "well, your life is what you make of it", that stupid asshat hasnt done any thinking in his whole trivial life. So here we are, we grow up, we tend to seek pleasure in all the ways possible, and then die. So, youre damn right life is pointless, and damn right thats why im always fucking negative and pessimist, because we cant escape this hard cold truth. So, why are you dwelling about? that life isnt important? no shit sherlock. Your problem is that you are depressed because you think that someone you love die because of you (which wasnt your fault and you didnt want that), and maybe because other issues i dont know and obviously i dont need to. i mean, i got problems of my own too, but im not gonna bore you with my shit. Anyway, wanna know how im cope with my damn issues and pointless living? im a bloody pessimist loner who doesnt have anything nice to say about anything or anybody and have 0 friends and hell i dont need one. Somebody one said to me "well if you are so pessimistic about life why dont you kill yourself? blow your brains out", and i always reply that isnt going to change the world from being a stupid pointless dull and rutinary place. Remember, you didnt ask to come to this world, and eventually you are going to die, so why pull the trigger? i prefer living so i can have fun listenting to the imbeciles who say that life is good and are married with children (which probably never wanted in the first place). And of course, i love listenting ti music, good music, so that help me cope with this shitty reality that only a handful of people seem to really see it as it is. Well, in conclusion, if you are reading this lines after my rambling about life as it is (nothingness), i think you should live as you want and dont give a fuck, or maybe live as your father may have wanted maybe, or i dont know, im just babbling stuff. Whatever. Fuck it.

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IT JUST PLAIN SUCKS.....ALL OF IT.....LIFE AND HOW PEOPLE THINK!!!!! Rumors and how people perceive you, how they can stand there and form their opinion and conclusion about you. After that accident with my dad I haven't been the same. I think about it constantly, I cry constantly.....what a F---thing to happen! You add in other factors such as people judging you and you want the pain to end and I mean END! Just the other day when I went for a walk, the caretaker of the park asked how I was (used to be my neighbor) he proceeded to talk about kids and what posses them to murder their parents for the inheritance. I know what he was implying. I'm not stupid! And.....when this whole horrible accident happened, a co-worker looked at me in a heavy conversation and said " at least I haven't killed anyone". God dam my heart is breaking just thinking of those statements. WHY CAN'T I JUST GET IT OVER AND END IT. PLEASE all you morons....I LOVED MY FATHER....GET IT...I LOVED HIM!!!!! I'M NOT EVIL MINDED!!!! I COULDN'T EVER EVER HURT ANYONE!!!! PLEASE PLEASE STOP THOSE VISIOUS RUMORS!!!!!!!!!!!!! You are so right what's the purpose of life. CAN'T TALK NOW I'M FALLING APART....GOT TO GET MYSELF COLLECTED.

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98% of the people on this earth are fucking goofy, like, big time stupid. George Carlin was right. You seem very sensible about what those poor excuses of human beings think of you, thats big part of your issue. I for one dont care less what my coworkers, family, so called friends (i must say i dont believe in the existence of frienship or love, its all a big pile of steamy shit, truth is everybody is looking pleasure in one way or another, thats why when you get a deformity you see people how they really are and run away from you because you became non pleasent to be with) or other people in general think of me, my face, or my actions. I put my earbuds and listen to music wherever i dont want to treat with any of them. Fuck them up their stupid asses. i prefer being alone and an outcast than to have to put a fake a smile or a nice attitude around those i dont like. First get a hold of yourself, second, you know that you didnt wanted your father to die, you loved him, thats the true and only that matters, third, accept that most if not all the people will never understand you because they are not you, they dont know what you think, they dont know and will never know jack shit, just as you dont know anything about what others really feel about their own fucking depressive issues, fourth, if you are strong enough dont ever hang around or treat again with those who offend you in some way at least once, even if it is inderect offense, like your coworker, caretaker, or whatever, they are stupid, they dont deserve your time, friendship, small talk conversation, nothing, and...well, i dont know, im just some negative curmudgeon guy on this stupid site i found you know?, you dont need to listen to what i say either, im from south america for christ sake, we arent even remotely close in the same fucking continent, hell, why do i keep typing this shit? this is stupid. you know what, im not jesus or the mother teresa, do whaterver you want, suffer if you want. i dont really care.

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You are absolutely right. I'm looking for outside approval.....I have to find within myself. That's where it starts, accepting oneself regardless of what other people think. Everyone has their own problems. Animals....they love unconditional....just as you reach for music. Got to hold on to that.....it's the only way from going crazy.

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I wish I could have that "I don't give a damn attitude" like you . I try....god do I try. I also wish I could handle being alone. Never had anyone other then my folks.....i knew the day would come when I wouldn't have them. We moved from the Atlantic side to the Pacific side of USA. I feel stranded....dam i'm 58 why the hell can't the years past faster so I can at least be burried next to them in peace. Sorry....you're right....no more bothering you with such crap.

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