Judgment

Somewhere in cyberspace I revealed something horrible...an accident that involved my father....an accident that I'll never ever forgive myself because it caused the death of the one person who loved me. Judgement is all around me, every breath I take reminds me of how much I hate myself. Every word, every stare, every sign, I'm reminded that I took a life. I think with me still being alive is God's awful punishment. Yes, I still have to work, I still have to breath in and out, but what kind of life is this, when you are tortured. I torture myself trying to mask going on. I don't need the outside world to remind me of what had happened. DAD I LOVE YOU!!!!! I'M SORRY AND WISH IT WAS ME, NOT YOU UP THERE!!!

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  • you say it was an accident. If you believe in after life, and if your father spirit is somewhere, i think he knows it. i think he would feel your actual emotional pain and grief, and i think he would like you to be strong and overcome this shit. If i was a dad, and my son did something similar to this to me, i wouldn't like his life to be in constant emotional pain, grief and regret like you are in this moment. There is no regret to feel because IT WAS AN ACCIDENT. You didnt wanted this to happen. I know if there is an after life your father knows it. What can you do now? simple, live, think, and believe that this just happened, you didnt wanted it, it was far over your control. Get it?

  • I just wish that I could see him one more time....just a second. To tell him that I love him. I held his hand when he passed.....what a he'll of a thing to know that in is death shouldn't have ever happened this way. All's I can think of are the "if only's". As far as life and it's meaning.....i haven't a clue as to what it's all about. Why am I still breathing, why why why. It's pointless. When death is all around. Yes, we are all going to ddi

  • Die, so why is it important to get up, go to work ect.?

  • Life is pointless. Once in awhile I get a glimmer of hope, but far and few between. I was never this synical, but like anyone who has gone through trauma, one can't help it. People stay clear of me. BUT..like I wrote from the very beginning before I revealed my tragedy, it's my animals that are keeping me intact.

  • Another aspect of life i question, is what's important. Why is it important to go on with life, why should I give a crap whether I go to the Dr for whatever....who gives a shit if i need a cbc or not. Life is over anyhow. Save that time for the Dr to treat someone young, someone not as far gone as me. That's how I've been analyzing life, at least my life. Man I don't mean to sound so negative. I'm trying though, I'm trying to find that small allusive light at the end of the tunnel.

  • Please forgive me, I didn't mean to pour my heart out like this.....sorry