Husband not eating solid food....

[leonora22]

Husband is 77 and is not eating solid food - all he will have is the fortisip fibre and he has up to 6 a day - he gets some on perscription but we buy the rest. I have been trying to find out why he has lost his appetite. He did not eat the steak at his local favourite restaurant last Friday. His breath smells dreadfully - he is not doing his teeth properly or at all although he is slugging moutwash. He cancelled the last dentist app but I have re made it for next week. The constipation is a real problem too. GP been great but he won't take the fibre sachets and the dietician has been good too. Has anyone experienced similar things? Has he given up on life? He is very snappy and I cannot do anything right. He did say he has problems swallowing . He keeps telling me he feels 'yucky' but he cannot seem to explain exactly what that means aneamic is the nearest we get! I lost my father quite suddenly last year and for the last few months he would not eat and kept saying he felt 'poorly'. Husbands weight was around 9st with the fortisips but now is down to 8st 7. His GP has emigrated recently and we now have a 'named' GP we have never met which again makes things harder. I do wonder if this 'self neglect; is maybe dementia? Husband a very controlling and at times abusive man and I also think he is in denial and frightened so do not want to push this if I am wrong. I do think he is depressed as he does not seem to want to be with people or make new friends.Thanks for reading - I am much younger and really struggling to help him.

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My mother is just 100 and we have had bowel problems with her. I finally managed to get her an appointment with a bowel specialist who discovered that she had 'fecal impaction' - in other words due to constipation a big mass of 'poo' had built up in her bowel so the only thing she was passing was the more liquid stuff that was able to get past. Her breath stank too and she was always listless. The remedy was either enemas or daily laxido (a laxative drink) for several months. The mass has now cleared. Your husband's teeth could also be hurting due to neglect and are uncomfortable when he chews but he won't admit it because he is afraid of what the dentist will do. You could try making soups and liquidising them to get some nourishment into him without hurting his mouth.

Maybe you need to get a bit tough. Insist that he sees both the doctor and the dentist or you will stop helping him. It is unfair on you if he isn't doing all he can to help himself. Hopefully the doctor could give him a short course of anti-depressants to get him feeling a bit better about everything. Then the teeth and bowel could be sorted If he starts eating properly then the constipation should improve but do keep an eye on impaction like mum had if he has been constipated for any length of time.

My husband had a brain injury many years ago and that causes problems. He now seems to be getting dementia. You could ask your doctor for dementia testing, we have done that.

I know it seems hard but the first thing to do is to make sure your husband takes this seriously so that he can start feeling better. 77 is not old enough to give up on life. I have many friends in their 80's and 90's who are going to aerobic classes, going on day trips and holidays, doing yoga etc. Don't let him turn into an old man too early!

[jaykay777]

When I had trouble swallowing, my gastroenterologist performed an upper endoscopy and found I have an ulcer. I have to follow a diet to control the ulcer.This is just my experience. I hope you can prevent your husband from being abusive and trying to control you. If you can contact a social worker, you may find help for your situation.

[leonora22 in reply to jaykay777]

Good advice but getting him to the GP is the problem - ditto the dentist. He did have an acute on chronic heamatoma 3.5 years ago......I almost wish his blood tests today throw up something sinister because then he probably would agree to go to the GP. He won't eat soups. Frankly I think I just have to disengage for my own mental health and wait for the crisis to happen. He has had an endoscopy in September and I do not think it showed anything sinister. Dietician gave good suggestions but he won't follow them. Having said that worried that his weight is going down despite the constipation and the fortisips. He does not do much but watch tv and read and sleep so he is taking in around 1800 calories a day. With the heamatoma he refused to go to the GP but he felt so ill he eventually phoned 111 and they took him in and found what was wrong. It is so hard to care for someone who WILL NOT co-operate. HIs kidney function fell to 9% last year so it will be interesting to see todays results. I worry too that the constipation could lead to a UTI which could cause kidney problems. Frankly going round in circles which is why I have to disengage but thank you for letting me offload!

[jaykay777 in reply to leonora22]

Leonora --

Your plan to disengage sounds like a good one. I have kidney disease too, but for the past two years it's been stable at stage 3. I assume you are in the U.K., and don't know what the criteria for dialysis is there. I've read that here in the U.S. studies have found it's not very effective for people over 65. Also, that kidney transplants are usually reserved for younger people who have a longer life expectancy. I am 86, so I don't expect any major kidney treatment. I see my nephrologist regularly and follow her advice on diet.

[bantam12]

With a kidney function of 9% he was very near to needing dialysis, maybe that is the problem now. You could speak to his GP and ask for a home visit although it sounds like that may not go down well with hubby !

[leonora22 in reply to bantam12]

Well we had the blood tests yesterday Bantam and I told the nurse who is very helpful that I was worried and she marked 'urgent'. She did say that if t he kidney function had really fallen - he last had blood tests late December someone would phone me this afternoon. No way would husband be happy if I asked a GP to visit and we are together 24/7 so just cannot cope if he gets angry. So just waiting. But the suppository did not work yesterday evening. If he takes another one and that does not work then I shall try very hard to get him to ring the surgery or 111. He has 'mental capacity' so very limited but I do know if he is in severe pain the hopefully he will ask for advice. This is day 8 so worried a little about an impaction now. He only had 2 Fortisips yestedfay and although he says he does not f eel sick or has pain in his tummy it makes me wonder if this is the case. But i know he does not want to go into hospital. I have tried to say that an enema for a blockage could be done as a day patient which I think it can and it is best to get advice NOW than when it needs an operation to remove. It may not be an impaction - I may be over reacting but it is so hard when I have no medical knowledge.

[bantam12 in reply to leonora22]

It's a very difficult situation for you, I have a friend with a stubborn husband who refuses to accept he has a medical problem so she's given up trying to help him.

My husband is on dialysis and when his function went down to 8% last year he was really poorly but still trying to avoid dialysis, when he finally gave in he couldn't believe how much better he felt, only then did it hit him how ill he had been.

Hopefully your hubby will see sense and get some help but you can only do a certain amount, if he doesn't want help it's his decision but please try not to beat yourself up, take a step back for your own well-being.

Take care x

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If you husband is getting angry, just walk away and ignore him. When he calms down tell him that you will do it every time until he learns to treat you with the respect you deserve. When he is calm, tell him as well that you are not going to be held captive to his health problems when he won't do anything to help himself and won't take the advice of the professionals. You need to stop letting him bully you like this. Just walk away or go out each time it happens. He will soon get fed up with it. You have the right to a life as well. Have you had counselling to help you deal with him? Get in touch with your doctor, Care for the Carers or Social Services to see what can be arranged. This is YOUR life as well as his and it sounds as though he is doing ALL the taking and you are doing ALL the giving and that can't be right.