I am on a few posts and I don't know what to do. My mum is 93 and now needs urgent emergency care but my doc today said he can't get any as they have no capacity.
My husband and I can't cope with her due to our own physical and mental illness. I was abused by her yesterday and the other day and sorry I have severe depression and anxiety. I am not going around there to be abused. I don't care if it sounds selfish. I am in too much pain anyway and now having to find care myself for her, which is impossible with her rambling like a stuck tape recorder.
I have not been able to have my medication for three days at night as falling asleep so am on edge now in the morning. I need to take a break.
Mum has general weakness because the silly woman doesn't eat properly. She is basically skin and bone and has plenty of food in the house and she will eat if someone is about. She ate my casserole the other day and was fine. This collapse started the next day. She was found sat on the loo, awake, ready for bed, but no sign of going to bed. Ambulance came said she may have blacked out. Then couldn't reach her walker to get up and her strength has now gone. Doc said has mental cognitive but is not making much sense and that's a reaction to the incident. No sign of a fall. No infection. Its the brain cannot make the body go. Her grip is strong. Like a guerilla. But no strength in legs and general weakness. She can't stand up and down or walk and needs help night and day to make sure she is safe. He tried to get emergency support but can't.
So now I have to arrange it via careline and the silly woman last time told them she didn't need it. To be honest she wasn't this bad. She started as soon as the doctor went, abused me and refused to accept care. To be honest I just wish she would go to sleep and that's it. That's how I feel after years of abuse by her since I was a child. Now I am meant to act the dutiful carer. I am not able to, end of story. Physically I can't do it and mentally I can't and emotionally I won't. I don't care if I sound selfish, I am not a hypocritical martyr. She needs professional care and I need help to get it. I would appreciate any suggestions you may have.
If you want to come on and tell me its my duty don't bother. I won't read the posts.
I am just looking for information to find professional support.
Cheers
LynMarie Taylor
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Banditqueen
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Have you tried calling AgeUk helpline or local care/nursing homes to see if emergency respite care might be available? I hope you can sort something as you're in a very difficult situation with no easy way out.
I am afraid that's not an option. She won't go. She won't go to hospital either. She shouldn't have to go to the hospital. She's not ill and I know what that's like. I am thinking resbite at a later date, but not immediately.
I will phone Age UK asap open. Nobody is open. That's the problem. This stupid country shuts down, regardless of care needs.
I have spoken to Age UK who have found a different contact in Liverpool social services. Then had a call from them and actually now not sure if it was careline as the message was from social services but call from Careline. Anyway they did a much fuller assessment. I was not able to speak, my husband did. I heard them ask how does she get around. For the love of anything, how many more times do you need to say, she can't even stand up and can't use her legs without two people helping and a walker to balance on. She is too weak. Don't they make notes? Doesn't one person pass on information to another?
Anyway, we got there in the end. My new medication made me go all weird. Now I am confused. It should be ok in a couple of days. Just how does something which goes on your rear make you feel dizzy? That's a new experience.
Anyways back to patient mum.
So the phone guy did a full assessment and then we are now passed onto a social worker. The social worker had actually phoned an hour before so I thought we were speaking with the social worker. We just there now and she is in and out of the real world. My Aunt came to see her. I am going to update her later. She has had some food but not much. I hope they make her eat. Even if its toast and tea, its nourishing.
I forgot to say to the doc that when we washed her, her skin is like layers of paper coming off. You have to be very careful. Her face is quite rosy underneath. I think she is more tired today.
Anyway, maybe now we are moving a bit more along. I think I will get back to Age UK as 1000 questions now coming.
I have also contacted Local Solutions who help carers. I think they have some short-term restbite solutions as well. Age UK said the care agency has to be registered with someone so you know if they are accredited. My mother in law had really lazy carers. If she fell we had to pick her up. They wouldn't pick her up. I am going to make sure they are accredited to lift and pick her up if anything happens. I will not accept lazy carers.
You’re right Lynmarie you do need help , you’re obviously in no condition to help your mum at the moment , you need to care for yourself first . Try to be kind though because when she’s gone you may feel differently so for your own sake try to ignore the things that annoy you and concentrate on getting the help you both need. I worked in a care home and most of the referrals came through social services , I would call them and tell them you can no longer care for her Many older people in care have families who , for one reason or another are estranged from them I do understand how physically and mentally demanding your finding all this , after 14 years in the care home I’m well aware of how difficult, demanding and downright nasty some old people can become but more often than not it’s not entirely their fault and the best way to handle the nastiness is ignore it , walk away , don’t get involved in confrontation. Good luck xx
I also feel that Social services are the way forward for you. You’re not being selfish or uncaring LynMarie as many people don’t get along well with their parents. You need all the help you can get and I truly hope someone can and will help you and your elderly mother. Whoever you speak to needs to understand how critical this is and how it’s affecting you. They also need to listen to you as things are very bad for you and your mother right now. I don’t like the word “duty” and wouldn’t dream of using it on you. Caring for someone can be very difficult and even more so if there’s a history there.
Please let us know how things go. Thinking of you. Xxxx
Lyn Marie …. Everything that the painters wife has said is spot on. My older sister is now happily settled in a good Nursing Home and is well looked after. We have been through three years of chaos and worry especially with COVID and 17 hospital admissions.
If the GP says there is no capacity and you are unable to cope, it is their duty to refer your mum to social services. She needs a Social Worker to sort things out with you as a priority. Age U.K. helped me a lot with advice and I admire their professionalism.
Unfortunately, in these times you need to fight for action or you are ignored. Sometimes our relatives are too stubborn to accept they need carers until it is too late and they end up in hospital with falls. The Nursing Home rang me last night to inform me my sister had fallen again but she is OK. If she had been at home it would have been another ambulance! She is safe and well cared for.
The other problem you will encounter is the question of ‘mental capacity’ and your mum will need assessment to decide if she can make her own decisions or do you have “Power of Attorney” to help her make decisions? I feel for you but sacrifices and hard work will be involved for you to find peace of mind. Good Luck! xxx
Hi Banditqueen, you have been given some very good advice. Having experienced how difficult and rude my dad could be, I can only sympathise. His behaviour was largely because if his condition but even so, it was very difficult to take. The best advice is to walk away to catch your breath.
I agree with all of the advice. Be very firm when you phone the Social Services as you usually have to fight for any help nowadays. You have the hunan right to your own life and you are not legally obliged to care for anyone. People who may makr you feel guilty just do not understand the enormous mental and physical toll of caring for someone with such complex needs, especially if that person did not care for you in the past.
I wish you well. Please let us know how you get on.
Helen xx
Hi Banditqueen, I am so sorry that you've reached this point with your mum and it's not unusual to feel that you've reached the end of your tether. There's not enough help out there for Carers or those who need Care and while this is nothing new, it's been made that much worse by the pandemic and many, many carers must be feeling as you do.Bantam12 has suggested that you ask Age UK for help and they are in fact really helping my own sister at the moment to try to engage with social services to encourage them to do what they should be doing and supporting her husband and her more. Getting respite care is hard all around because of covid restrictions.
One thing I'd urge you to do though. You are feeling the way you feel through a very real sense of frustration and inability to cope with what's being asked of you. But in the long term, will you ever, after she's gone, feel any guilt and distress that she died without support from you? I'm not suggesting that it's wrong to feel the way you are feeling. It's a tough and thankless job with no pay, but things have a way of looking different after a while. Your mum is in her 90's and won't be functioning in the way you think she ought. I often feel exhausted at the age of 73 and can only imagine how one feels if getting to the grand old age of 90+.
If you can put your hand on your heart and say 'no I don't care enough for this old lady to do any more for her, or about what happens in the future', then that's a valid decision, but do consider whether that might lead to some uncomfortable feelings for you as time goes by.
Maybe there are ways in which you can continue to offer some support but in a scaled back way so that you feel you are still of help to her, without being at the point of burnout which you so clearly have now. For example, does it really matter if she doesn't want to eat much any more?
And rather than relying on just your GP to come up with some unobtainable help, try other avenues as well, including bashing away at social services to provide more help and support than you are receiving now.
Hi I just tried to find social services in Liverpool and they don't exist. I think its careline which means we have already done everything. Now its a matter of waiting and hope nothing else happened.
Hi, yes we now have been in contact with both. Its very confusing when you don't know who is whom. I remember when you got a social worker, then a home help and a book that they signed, paid up and that was it. I had help for a few months and Steve did after the hospital. Now the equipment helps. I might ask for some more things for mum. Her walker isn't from social services but the bathroom stuff is. I am thinking more rails as well, in hall and bedroom and lounge.
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