Free for All on Friday: Hi everyone, on this... - Care Community

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Free for All on Friday

Callendersgal profile image

Hi everyone, on this mid-July Friday, which, here at least, has dawned warm and sunny. Wherever you are, I hope that you are feeling well and for those of you who are active carers, I hope you are coping OK.

First today my customary welcome to any new members and I hope you'll find something of use and interest here, and a safe and happy space to be.

Fridays herald the chance to go off-topic (within community guidelines) and it's fun waiting to see what's going to be posted each week.

I guess that for most of us in England our thoughts are with next Monday's lifting of most of the restrictions we've been living with for the past 16 months and I know that feelings around that are very mixed. As with most things, change is always difficult, and with this pandemic and its huge unknowns, it's not surprising that we are nearly all quite nervous. How are you all feeling about it?

I'd welcome a bit of input this week on the topic of aggression in caring for those who have dementia. The last two times my sister has called me, she's done it when her husband with dementia has been out of the room and quickly ends the conversation whenever he reappears. It seems that he's become paranoid every time she's speaking to anyone on the phone, or leaves him with her paid carer to go to her zumba class once a week, or pops to the shop. He imagines she's having an affair with someone else, gets aggressive and this lasts for hours and she's trying to avoid this.

She also said that he seems fixated on his long deceased parents at the moment and constantly asks where they are. She had asked for advice about the latter on another forum. (Why not here I ask myself? I don't know....😃 ) But I digress! I'm happy to ask you all on her behalf. The replies she's had, suggested she lie and say they are away somewhere, but she's uncomfortable about this. Frankly I think my advice would have been the same, but I'd love to know what others think? And then how best to deal with the aggression? It seems very cruel to now have to pick her moments to make a simple phone call to family and friends, and to consider giving up her much loved and equally needed zumba class. My fear is that he'll escalate things to lashing out at her.

But enough of my family. I hope you all have a reason to be looking forward to the weekend and that each and every one of you manages at least a little relaxation.

Take care everyone!

32 Replies
sassy59 profile image

Hi Callendersgal, what a lovely day it is today, just right for Sainsbury’s to deliver, which they apparently are…😂

We’re ok here but I must admit to feeling very anxious and apprehensive about Monday. Pete and I will be carrying on wearing masks and distancing etc. but of course many won’t. We will have to go out early and get back home before the crowds descend.

I really do feel for your sister as things aren’t great for her. Aggression is difficult to deal with and very hurtful. I would suggest remaining calm, holding her husbands hands if he’ll let her and speaking calmly. Is he on medication? If not perhaps a doctor can help and if so, maybe a review is due. Help is needed I feel sooner rather than after an attack.

As for the parents, tell him they’ve just popped out or gone away for a holiday. Whatever works as a distraction. I hate to say this but it’s easier to tell a little white lie and save a lot of angst. We learnt this with Pete’s mum. She ended up thinking I was her mother. Ok by me.

My late mother in law became very aggressive towards Pete and had to be restrained. She was in a care home though. I always spoke very calmly to her but it’s difficult for your dear sister I’m sure.

Have a good weekend all and take care. Xxx

Catgirl1976 profile image
Catgirl1976 in reply to sassy59

Point is you have to do what you feel is right for you.

Here in Wales masks are here to stay for a while yet.

Callendersgal profile image
CallendersgalAdministrator in reply to Catgirl1976

That's true Catgirl1976, there's no one right or wrong way!

Callendersgal profile image
CallendersgalAdministrator in reply to sassy59

Hi sassy59, I'm so glad that Sainsburys have got their act together this week for you. Happy day!Yes I agree with all you say about the masks and the white lies. I too shall stay away from crowded areas and wear masks where I feel more comfortable. And regarding the white lies, why make life more difficult for yourself? She says that if she tells one lie it may lead to her having to tell further lies about where the parents are gone etc., and when they will be back. I say 'make it all up'. Her husband won't remember what she's said anyway and it seems silly to me to put yourself under extra stress for no good reason! I'm going to tell her of everyone who suggests that it is OK to lie!

I did say to her that her choices will be very limited if her husband does become violent towards her, and I'm sure she'd hate him to have to go into a nursing home, so it seems pretty obvious that a few untruths will hurt them both a lot less. Oh well, all I can do is to pass along everyone's opinions to her!

sassy59 profile image
sassy59Ambassador in reply to Callendersgal

I do wish your sister well Callendersgal and really do feel for her. Xxx😘🤗💕

Callendersgal profile image
CallendersgalAdministrator in reply to sassy59

Thank you so much sassy59! xx👍🌸😊🌈

sassy59 profile image
sassy59Ambassador in reply to Callendersgal


Interesting week this week! Yesterday I had an interview in Newport for 1.20pm and decided to turn it into a day out and took a friend with me for company and we went on the bus and decided to go straight into town rather than get off at the Bellevue park and walk into town from there and it was the right choice as another passenger had drunk themselves unconscious so I asked the driver didn't he have a face shield to use in the first aid box as the chap was unconscious just in case I needed to resuscitate and he did but it wasn't needed as he was breathing so the driver called the ambulance and I had put him in the recovery position!

First aid in the field isn't nice and clean like it is in the classroom and my friend was proud of me for having stepped in!

In the shopping areas in Newport town they are in a sorry state especially where debenhams was and peacocks there has shut down as well.

We had lunch in the Bellevue park near the hospital which we had made ourselves and mine was tuna and pasta and an apple which I really enjoyed rather than getting ripped off buying junk!

I had my interview and I wasn't impressed and I was happy when I was told I wasn't getting the job and I suspect it had gone to someone else before interview!

The Newport centre is being used at present as a vaccination centre so the swimming pool was shut same as in Pentwyn in Cardiff.

When we came back we got the bus from a street called Ebenezer terrace instead of the bus station and I said how I would never have known where it was if I hadn't been to an interview at a place in the upper dock street nearby in early 2020 before covid became official and said how I feel not having got that job was a blessing in disguise to my mate as it was only 6 months temporary and the building wasn't very nice and how it I hadn't gone there I wouldn't have known where Ebenezer terrace was and how nothing is a waste as long as you learn from it and how the only wastes are when nothing is learned and I feel my father wasted his life with his nasty attitude and only hurt himself the most with his behaviour!

Newport reminds me of Scunthorpe with how it's laid out and has similar shops to Scunthorpe and also Widnes which used to be a monotown with the chemical industry like Scunthorpe and Newport were with steel.

Wednesday I had a smart meter fitted in the flat in the afternoon and a walk in the morning beforehand so that's a great job done and dusted!

I was due to have had an interview this morning but it got cancelled as they redeployed an existing member of staff into the job which is fair enough.

At my previous job they had to redeploy a lady who was blinded in one eye by a contact lens into another job who was comforting to me when I had blood clots in my lungs back in 2017.

This morning I decided to do some gaelic and listen to music and have some cups of tea and relax.

It's horrible isn't it having to change plans because you are frightened someone will lash out at you.

I have been lashed out at over all sorts of things even silly things like eating sandwiches for lunch in the park with my friends and back in 2019 lashed out at over going to an interview for a reception post in a and e.

OK perhaps that post wasn't what was best for me but it's up to me to make my own choices in what's right for me and what isn't.

Callendersgal profile image
CallendersgalAdministrator in reply to Catgirl1976

Well done for stepping in Catgirl1976. Many people won't in these situations. Sorry your interview didn't go so well after all of that, but it feels better when it's you that decides the job isn't for you! I hadn't realised that you were learning gaelic. I've tried and tried with Irish, on Duolingo but it just won't stick! I did fairly recently learn the Irish national anthem by doing it phonetically! How are you getting on?I agree that the distressing thing with my sister is having her rush away from our conversations just because her husband's come into the room. It's made her moderate her own behaviour and I'm really uncomfortable about that. It's even making me change too as I'm now reluctant to call her in case he's suspicious. My late sister suffered dreadfully with paranoia in the later stages of her dementia, but it her case it only impacted on her, and not on others. It's all so difficult!

No interviews are a waste if you learn from them!

I wouldn't have enjoyed the job anyway and feel this was a blessing in disguise as it was only a 12 month contract anyway but still it was nice having a day out though.

I have nearly finished the Scots gaelic course on Duolingo!

sassy59 profile image
sassy59Ambassador in reply to Catgirl1976

Well done Catgirl. You’re a star. I’m sure the right job for you is out there but good that you know what isn’t right. Good luck. Xxx

Catgirl1976 profile image
Catgirl1976 in reply to sassy59

That's the idea of interviews for you to see if you would like to work for them and them deciding if you are right for them.

Sometimes it happens you turn up for interview and you know instinctively that it's not for you and that no way would you accept the job if it was offered to you like back in March I interviewed at a place and was turned off when they said in the interview that they were going to offer a post to someone who hadn't even gone to interview and I thought that's not fair and had hoped I wasn't offered the job and was happy when I wasn't!

If yesterday's job had gone before anyone had their interviews then they did me a good turn not offering it to me as I don't want to work at unfair places anyway!

With the March one I did respect their honesty when they said that as if they are going to be unfair at interview then it's a symptom that they are an unfair place to work for!

I would think it would be easier on both of them if your sister carried on making excuses for the missing parents. I don't see the point in causing more stress.The aggressive behavior is something I have no idea how to cope with that. It is very worrying. Your sister must keep having some social life for her own sanity.

Maybe distraction could help. Playing favorite music perhaps?

My Husband was obsessed with his dead relatives shortly after his brain injury. AsThis there was hope for improvement in his case I had an awful time constantly telling him they were dead. He called me a liar etc. Eventually I showed him the death certificates and sympathy cards which we had kept. He accepted they were dead then. Different situation for your sister though. My heart goes out to both of them.

Callendersgal profile image
CallendersgalAdministrator in reply to Lynd

I totally agree with you Lynd, whilst grudgingly feeling that there's no one answer for everyone. I think it's wrong when I now feel I can't just pick up the phone and call her, for fear that it's going to cause aggression towards her. Caring for someone is hard enough without losing little personal freedoms, and I'd be happy to lie about anything which made life easier and more pleasant.

When I visited my late Great Aunt, sometimes she'd be sitting ready for something and when I asked what was going on she'd say her mother was coming to visit, I used to say, oh I've just seen her, she's popping to the shops then she'll be here, I'd change the subject and mother visiting was forgotten about

I'm still finding covid life tough and I think next week it'll get tougher with people carrying on as they did pre covid which I feel will end up with another lockdown

I've emailed the ROS about my back, just waiting to hear back, will also do an e consult with GP about it, this morning I've done an Admin e consult about the eye drops that I don't need hopefully they'll sort that for me quite easily

I'm sorry that you are finding life difficult and that you are unhappy at the moment.

There's lots of others who feel the same way.

Yes, I know I'm not the only one, but if I told my sister I'm finding it tough she'd just shout at me, it's OK for for her as she works full time, so I tend to keep quiet about it

That's not nice is it getting shouted at when you are feeling unhappy and it cuts off communication when that happens and it feels like an office door has been slammed shut in your face.

sassy59 profile image
sassy59Ambassador in reply to Jennymary

Thinking of you Jennymary. I’m dreading Monday to be honest. Xxxx

Callendersgal profile image

To me that sounds like the perfect solution to what to say! I don't always think that too much truthfulness is necessarily the right thing, in some circumstances, Jennymary!

I watched a really touching segment in an edition of '999 What's your Emergency' recently in which a lady with dementia had actually gone to visit her mother to find of course that she was long deceased and was unknown at the address. Poor thing was so confused and distressed. The young police constables who dealt with her were extraordinarily kind and I'm only grateful that this is is something we can almost entirely rely on here, and it's a very comforting thought.

I hope you hear back quickly about your back and I'm sure an econsult with your GP would be helpful too. At least you can air your view of things!

Hi Sue, I agree we have to open up but I don't agree that masks don't have to be worn in packed area's like the tube, bus, or trains because I think it's a disaster waiting to happen I hope they prove me wrong. And with weather like this the beaches will be packed I will relax in my garden this weekend and sort some pots out and pull some weed's out . Anyway enjoy your weekend and speak later Clive X 🤗

Callendersgal profile image
CallendersgalAdministrator in reply to Littleboy

I think there are a lot of us who hope to be proven wrong Clive. I think it's a good idea to be strongly cautious as there will be many people who won't! But you are quite right about opening up the economy again. So many people are suffering real financial hardship and we can't keep hiding away until it's 'safe' as it's not going to be, for a very long time to come, when we've tamed covid19 a lot more than it is now.

my mums birthday on saturday 17th so going for tea

Callendersgal profile image
CallendersgalAdministrator in reply to Sara_2611

Lovely Sara_2611! I hope she has a really happy birthday and that you enjoy your tea together!

dad made moussaka & we had strawberries & cream

That's lovely having that to look forward to!

Welcome to this lovely sunny weather. 😎😎 I was hoping to book the weekend away in the Lakes but my husband is still frightened of Covid so I had wasted four days trying to find somewhere to stay, the cheapest being £250 per night 😳my husband said he just doesn’t want to take chances after all we have been through this year so reluctantly I stopped looking.

We’ve spent a lot of time in the garden and I enjoy going for walks. Our five month old grandson Jacob has been a great gift to us with his happy smiles. Our 7 year old grandson went back to school after 10 days isolation and now his 9 year old brother is home until the end of term. He was in tears again as he will miss all the end of term fun. His teacher was extremely upset on the video call to her class. It has been really difficult as both parents have demanding jobs working from home and looking after the boys. Such a shame for the young children who have missed so much education and their friends’ company and being stuck inside in this lovely weather!

We are still stressed out with the insurance company rebuilding our garage. It’s been six week now and they have only just signed off for the job to start .. another nightmare! I wish everyone the best of luck after Monday but we are still going to wear masks and take care. My daughter who works in the local hospital said there has been an 8 hour wait for A & E and trollies lining the corridors 😩 try to stay positive but it is difficult 👍👍

That's not fair is it your 9 year old grandson missing out on the end of term things and to kids that age when things like that happen it feels like the world has ended at things that are silly and trivial to adults can feel like the end of the world to kids.

If I was 9 I would have been in tears as well as its unfair when things like that happen!

We have looked at holidays away and decided not to bother as we felt the prices were cheeky as well so we felt it's best this year to save ourselves the upset and not bother and perhaps see about 2022 and stick to day visits for now.

Thank you for your kind thoughts Catgirl1976

Callendersgal profile image
CallendersgalAdministrator in reply to Goldenanny

Oh I can feel your frustration and annoyance over your missed trip and your grandson's disappointment Goldenanny. I think we're all feeling more any more that we've had enough of the disappointments heaped on us by the pandemic and yet at the same time afraid of opening life up any more for the fear of repercussions. There's no one clear answer of course, and that's the trouble. Usually we can make a decision and go with it, based on a known outcome, but with covid19, there isn't one. Each move we make is an experiment.What a blessing you now have your beloved little grandson Jacob as solace, but so sorry for the disappointment and difficulty caused to his bigger brother. I feel most for children who have been so brave, and have had so much to put up with.

And the garage seems to be another unpleasant saga for you. I do hope things will hurry along for you now. You are definitely overdue for a bit of good news.

Your daughter's experience at work shows us that we are still living in perilous times and we can only feel our way out of the situation we are in and be ready to change direction at any moment when there are unexpected outcomes! I hope next week will feel a little better for you, even with the worry of what happens as restrictions are lifted.

Good Morning it's another beautiful day 🌞☕ My father in law was 93 when he passed, he had a long and for the most part lovely life. Having alzheimer's for 11 years post diagnosis, he and my mother in law went through some trying times. He was the last in his family unit, his sisters and his brothers and his mother and father had all passed before him. He went through decades of years gone by asking often for family and friends who had long since gone. His wife didn't want to break his heart every time she would have to break the news to him. It was like the first time he had been told the sad news. She really didn't want to lie to him, but breaking his and her own heart wasn't a way forward. As a family we decided to try to let him be in the decade in which he found himself, his wife sometimes he thought was his mother and still a comforting hand on his and a nice cup and a biscuit, his father at work, returning later, often he would tell us stories of decades gone by, he would mix the past and present. Then a nap and all is well again, for a while. A shifting time line, why not? I miss him very much, but smile at his naughty scoolboy stories. 😊

Callendersgal profile image

What a lovely heartfelt response blueheartceramics! It's a demonstration of the best use of 'white lies' told through love and compassion for another person, and one which must have been so comforting for your father-in-law. It brought a tear to my eye! Lovely. Thank you!

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