Elderly relatives

[fallen_leaf]

Hello, I have an aunt who has never had children and never been married in her 70’s who has been trying to recover from meningitis for a month now. My brother and I are trying to help. It’s overwhelming sometimes. My uncle her brother was also on hospital at same time for a brain tumor. He is recovering at my parents home who need help themselves. Four elderly relatives who all need home and I’m feeling frozen and depressed and just want to sleep. I have two little girls and a not so good marriage. The worst is my dad who is very volatile with my mom and who refuses help himself and has mental issues he denies.

[Hidden]

Hi fallen_leaf,

I've seen from several previous posts that this has been going on for quite a while, and that you too have your own health challenge with anxiety.

Even with the help of your brother, this is far too much to take on, and the answer to it is to realise that you can't make yourself responsible for the well-being of a whole group of older people with serious health issues. It simply shouldn't be done and can't be. It's too draining for you and isn't the best thing for those you care for, who need more formal arrangements putting into place to safeguard them.

So you need to let go of some of the responsibility that you feel is yours. Use social services to properly assess those relatives who need care, be clear about how much (and who) you can take on care for, and do no more than you can cope with, after your own needs have been met.

With very best wishes.

[Jacki66 in reply to Hidden]

Very good reply.

[Hidden in reply to Jacki66]

Thanks Jacki66.

[Hellebelle in reply to Hidden]

Wholeheartedly agree Callendersgal!

[fallen_leaf in reply to Hidden]

Thank you for your kind words. Other than worry I don’t do enough. My brother does most of it. I just wish I wasn’t so frozen that I could do more.

[Hellebelle]

Hi, I think you have had an excellent reply from Callendersgal. It is so important to make it plain to Social Services (ask for Adult Social Care and explain the situation) that you cannot take on this huge responsibility. It is physically and mentally impossible for you. A lot if people feel guilty and Social Services will be only too happy to latch onto your willingness to take this on. This is not a criticism of the Social Care Assessors as their job is extraordinarily difficult, but merely an observation about how the system has been squeezed by lack of funds. Family members are being expected to take on more and more, quite often to the detriment of their own health. Your health is important and you have a right to a decent life without it being taken over by caring responsibilities. You might be able to do some, for example, some shopping or visiting once a week, but it's important to set clear boundaries.

I wish you lots of strength and a less stressful time. Helen xx

[fallen_leaf in reply to Hellebelle]

Thank you. We are in Texas and they don’t qualify for home care. Their income is enough to not qualify for home care but not enough that they can hire someone. I may have to hire an attorney to help get guardianship over my aunt in order to pay her expenses until she fully recovers.

[Hellebelle in reply to fallen_leaf]

It's such a difficult position isn't it for you. Are there any charities or volunteer organisations that can help you? It just seems that you are overloaded at the moment. I hope you manage to get some help.