Dilemma about dad: I am still in a dilemma... - Care Community

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Dilemma about dad


I am still in a dilemma about my father who has numerous health problems and lives in a nursing home over 100 miles from me. I am his only child and relative really. I keep considering moving him but his health is so precarious and he has been in and out of hospital. The nearest hospital if he moved to a Home near to me would be 20 miles away. His condition has deteriorated since his last hospital stay in February when he had pneumonia again and a chest infection. He is not walking now and seems to be incontinent. His bungalow is now clear and ready to sell but, as my husband and I both have health issues, we need somewhere to stay and rest when we come up to see him. So we are stuck not knowing what to do for the best.


14 Replies

Hi Karen hang on in there you don’t say how old your father is ,for the time being until warmer weather comes leave him where he is then have another think

I feel so sorry for you 100 miles is a long way but so is 20 miles from the nearest hospital if you move him

Take care


Robbo1 in reply to newlands

Sending a big hug Karen, hope you manage to sort out this tricky situation. X

klr31 in reply to Robbo1

Thanks. Having visited him this week, I'm veering towards leaving him where he is settled, known and familiar. It doesn't help me but is perhaps best for him. There is no ideal resolution. I will just continue to try to do my best for him.


A big move and complete change in everything your Dad knows could be very traumatic for him, also a change of medical care can be problematic if new GPs, Consultants and so on have different ideas with regards to any of his ongoing treatments. Is he able to voice his opinions on moving or not ?

Karen -- You wrote, "The nearest hospital if he moved to a Home near to me, would be 20 miles away." That distance doesn't seem to be too great to me. I live in an independent living facility that is a little more than 20 miles from the hospital I use once in a while. The trip from my residence to the hospital by ambulance doesn't seem too long for me. It is important for you and your husband to make sure your arrangements will work out for you and your husband. You need to take care of yourselves as well as your father.

It is a difficult situation and I don't have much to add to what others have suggested but I thought that I would send you a (((hug))) just for today and hope that you are looking after your own health whilst your Dad is being cared for in the home. Be kind to yourself Kir31 xxx

Thank you for all your replies and support. Dad is 85 on Friday. I have asked him a few times about moving but he is very non-commital and doesn't say one way or the other. We have just travelled up so I shall see him later for the first time in four weeks. It's hard as I feel guilty and worry about him which doesn't do me any good. I really appreciate the support here.



Hello Karen,

I wonder if it wouldn't be better in the long run to go ahead and sell your dad's home and move him to a care home closer to you? I think that things like selling off family bricks and mortar, which have been a sort of tether to a time and a place, can seem daunting, but if you were to just do it, I think that afterwards, your stress might feel less.

You can't make it 100% better for him, or for you, but having to do a 200 mile round trip, even with a place to stay while you are visiting him, sounds punishing. And maintaining a home, especially an empty one, is expensive and time consuming in its own right.

If dad's really very unwell, why not consider moving him by private ambulance, so that he's comfortable en route, and afterwards you'll be close at hand to help him settle in his new location. Expensive but not a luxury for a one-off journey.

I really wouldn't worry about the 20 mile trip to hospital after he moves. That's worrying about a need that may not arise, and, if it does, services are in place to help you.

Best wishes and I hope you find a solution that will work for all of you.

Having worked as a Carer. moving someone of that age mY be traumatic for him. Some GP practises or Age Concern may be able to refer you to a Charity that arranges a weekly visit from someone who could be a voluntary "friend". They could keep an eye on him to ensure he is eating properly & managing at home with hygiene. If you saw him once month & chat each week to him, and you find this manageable, then don't feel guilty. If you are doing your best in your circumstances, then you should not feel so guilty. The. day may come when you call Social Services to assess the situation

CAB may also give you helpful advice. Tough when you have your own health issues. Hope these suggestions help.

Social services won't get involved due to him being self funding. That's why it's so difficult as the decision is all down to me. The Home isn't neutral as they will want him to stay there. Thank you for your suggestions though.


bantam12 in reply to klr31

My Mum was self funding but she had a Social Services assessment, as Glynn says there are befriending services available, I think we contacted Age UK or similar and they organised a regular visitor for my Mum when she was still living in her home and it carried on when she moved to a care home.

I don't believe that they will visit someone who is in a Home as I did try to find some organisation that would arrange visits when I am not here. Thanks.


This is a difficult dilemma and one faced by many families

I suggest doing a ‘for and against’ list.

Things to consider:

-The practical aspect of moving and the impact on your dad as well as yourself.

- changing of health professionals. Not impossible but can be time consuming and will require management and chasing up to ensure notes are transferred

- talk to GP and ask how the change is likely to impact and if Dad is up to the move.

- contact social services, he is entitled to a needs assessment regardless of funding. They will have the expertise to talk to him about what he’d like to do.

- seek financial advice with regards to sale of house and how proceeds will be used.

Good luck and I hope things work out for you all

Thanks for your reply. I think it might be too much for him but getting help from health and social professionals is so difficult.

Dad is in hospital once again and confused/upset. I wonder how much longer this will go on for. We just seen to lurch from emergency to emergency.


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