advice please

[loistoni]

My husband is 23 years older than me, with the dementia he has also deafness which makes it hard to explain anything, he is very demanding and aggressive and uses blackmail

to get his own way, shouting for all the neighbors to hear if I don't jump to attention immediately.

any ideas?

[bantam12]

You need to talk to his GP and the mental health team, possibly think about him going into a dementia care home, even if just for a weeks respite now and again to give you a break. May seem harsh but you have your life and wellbeing to think about.

[loistoni in reply to bantam12]

The mental health team have signed him off, nothing they can do, he will not go to day centres that's not his scene, and seems dementia meds are not gong to help him either.

I have to talk to his G.P. Monday.

It amazes me how many pieces I have read today which could have been written by me.

thanks it helps.

[Hidden]

Hi Ioistoni,

I know it's a real challenge, and it's not even just the age gap between you and your husband. Caring for anyone with dementia is just so daunting with no known end date and no happy ending.

And that's why it's important not to take on more, physically or emotionally than you feel you safely can. Money is tight everywhere and the NHS creaking at the seams, so usually as well as the strain of caring, you have to take on a fight to get what's needed, not only for your husband, but for your sanity and health too.

Decide how much you can take in terms of your husband's care, and refuse to cross that line. Allow for his illness and changed demeanour, but don't allow bullying and blackmail. And if you can't find strategies at home to help you cope and there's no respite in any other way, then do consider his going into a dementia care home, and don't take "no" for an answer from anyone. Just because a mental health team has 'signed him off', doesn't mean you have to let them. Start with your husband's GP and explain that you are in physical and mental danger and you must have assistance.

It's not just dementia carers who have this battle. I have friends currently fighting for help and funding, one for statementing at school for a child on the autism spectrum and another for extra care with her physically disabled and non-sighted child. If you don't find your voice and speak up, someone else can and will get the help that you clearly and so badly need yourself.

[loistoni in reply to Hidden]

I did not mention he has a catheter and leg bag which he sometimes empties but forgets to close the tap so the last 2 nights I have had to change sheets and mop up a soggy mattress.

Plus numerous U.T.I.'S which make him go quite strange, antibiotics help but Dr loath to give them too often.

I think I have to be a bit more forceful when talking to the Dr.

Some very good ideas from these replys, thanks

[Hidden in reply to loistoni]

Hi again. Yes, all of that is an extra strain. If you are going to be looking after him at home (hopefully with a lot more help than you are currently getting), do look into things like a waterproof covered mattress to cut down on the mopping up, incontinence products and so on. And yes, UTI's are well known for causing 'strange' behaviour. That alone can be scary at first. But do stick up for yourself. Bluntly, if anything happens to you, medical and social services would have to kick in and do what you are doing, so there is no sense for anyone, in letting yourself get too exhausted and/or fed up to carry on doing the great job you do.

[JayJee in reply to Hidden]

Hi there. UTI's can be a really difficult problem. The more you can get him to drink the better. I used to always leave a glass of squash where my husband spent most of his time. If it was in sight he would often drink some. Also just keep on at him to drink his tea/coffee. Fluids can also be pushed in the form of ice cream and jelly. Can you find out if there are are providers of care at home, for a couple hours a weeks. Like a baby sitter really. They are trained to stay with people who perhaps don't want them there. I was lucky to have a company called Crossroads that provided me with up to 4 hours a week respite. The same person came every week for two hours so I could get out, or have a bit of free time. Good luck.

[Debsoxford]

Ok I'm sure meds can be adjusted to help, just stress to GP how difficult things are, ask GP to refer back to social worker/mental health team you need support NOW. Practical things can you write things down instead of having to shout? Don't know if husband can still read, has his hearing been tested? Husband won't go to day centre ask SS to send somebody in for you to have respite breaks, do the neighbours understand? Honestly don't worry you know YOU are doing your best in an impossible situation but nobody is superhuman you need/deserve support and help. All systems are overloaded at the moment you just have to shout louder keep notes of who said what and if GP refers and you don't hear in 10 working days go back and tell him/her, if you think your at risk of harm WALK away!! Phone police desperate situations needed desperate measure. Good luck in all of this try to have time for you! X

[loistoni in reply to Debsoxford]

like the writing idea do it occasionally but will leave a notepad handy now.

he has 2 hearing aids but they are not perfect.

[Dagocyprus]

To try and reduce the aggression give him Valerian Hop drops in juice. This helps my wife and hopefully reduce the strain on yourself. Take care

[loistoni in reply to Dagocyprus]

would KALMS do the job?

I have tried it but gave up.

[Dagocyprus in reply to loistoni]

I don't think so Valerian hops are available in some chemists or Amazon