Feeling lost, and unfocused

Hi lovely people...don't come here often...I'm four years into my journey,oils been long and hard, physically but mainly mentaly..had hard times with my husband but all seems ontrack...my daughter of 22 has left home which I'm blissfully happy for her, and her future...I work 2 days a week, and gave 3 days to myself...I can't concentrate on any projects, I constantly feel lonely although it doesn't have to be the case, my husband talks of starting new life in France so we can be together every day, sometimes I just go back to bed and wait for the day to pass, just have an overwhelming sadness, and can't seem to stop thinking about how horrible my husband was at times, and how I felt abandoned by family and friends...this is not the case now and I'm well and very pascal active..I just seem to be stuck in this sadness....I'm trying to do a writing to heal course...has anyone tried it! xx


38 Replies

  • You sound as if everything is catching up with you mentally and setting you on a path to depression. I can totally identify with the feelings of lonliness, regardless of the fact we may be surrounded by people who want to help us or those who love us. It sometimes does not help. I have taken up painting which helps me focus on other things. I also write too putting all my feelings on paper. We are all on a frightening journey. Here we have each other for support. Have you been in touch with your local cancer support group? I hope you are able to pick up soon xxx

  • Ahh thankyou Lainey, began to think I was loosing my mind some days....i like to draw, and I love to write, only i can't concentrate...iv Been doing some photography, and love messing about with photos...but even these make me sad.. with this writing to heal course thing I'v signed up to I start writing and just cry...I feel like I should wake up and feel alive and happy, I'm good at pretending..but in my heart I'm not, my husband, willing to do anything to make me happy, but I don't know the answers xx

  • Believe me you certainly are not alone. I get days where I feel so sad others where I feel so angry and am crabby with all those around me. I get bored easily and feel so very lost. At times, as corny as it sounds, I have to give myself a good shake and tell myself that I am so very glad to be alive. Today, I dropped my two boys off to the port as they are hopping over to a Wales to visit their sister and grand parents. My husband is in work. Returning home the traffic was chaotic so, I pulled off the motorway on a route I have never been. I found a lovely cafe where I ordered a coffee and a full breakfast. I then took myself walking along a river bank and into some woods. the amazing colours, scents, squirrels, herron and an old ruin that I found made me feel so amazingly happy to be here. I took lots of photos and will try painting one of them. Aftet a couple of hours, I finally drove home, and feeling exhausted I fell asleep here on tbe sofa. I am just waking thinking "damn I have no tea made!" but thats just too bad. Today I managed to pick myself out of the doldrums and thats a good thing. This tiredness doesnt seem to get any better though does it? so when tired - sleep. It heals too albeit slowly xxxx

  • That sounds amazing, brave, beautiful, awaking, and everything I want to do....unfortunately for me my 2 days I work is in a jewellers, and at 4.50 ten mins before closing, my bad day got worse, as I had a snatch and was quite shaken, then had to get the train home...not good as been feeling very vulnerable...may be it showed and he took his chance?? glad you had a wonderful day, very inspirational, Thankyou....so much..xxxx

  • I don't think you should worry about any vulnerability showing. You are and have been going through an unbelievably tough time. It is unfortunate that this happened to you today. The good thing is that you are safe. What we have been through not only affects our general health but it messes with our heads, emotions, outlook the whole lot. Memory is affected, our self esteem, our unease at looking over our shoulder in case it returns. You need a break, someone to chat to. Make some YOU time. You deserve and need it xxx

  • Hi, just read your post. I too am feeling alone, I feel isolated, even though I have a good, loving and supportive family. I have seen a counsellor and she said I remind her of a war veteran who has been through and seen many things but although survived, will never be the same person . I do not feel connected anymore to anyone. I am 10 months post treatment and for me the nights are the best time when I can shut the world out. I can't paint or write. But am hoping that when I am able to find an interest to do. I have had some scans and given the all clear and have decided that's it for me - the clinic is just another reminder so going to focus on my life and getting healthier - want to try and get back to being me - but it's just so hard. Thanks for your posts, now I know I'm not the only one

  • It is a lonely road, this cancer route. No one at home can know the isolation and fear of being out of control of ones very being. Having to submit to the horrid 'cures' and subsequent side effects is to me, in this day and age, draconian! But I'm finding relief in trying to do normal things. Although I'm both a writer and painter, my solace comes from gentle walks with my dog and trying to get back into my newest hobby of golf. My husband tries to help emotionally, but fails mostly. I am learning that he's no different to most others. Hugs are good. I wish you a speedy recovery. 🌺😘❤️

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  • Xx❤❤

  • Hi Louise, it does get easier, but when you feel a bit stronger physically, but reading these posts I just feel greatful we all have eachother here, xxxx hope things start looking brighter soon big hugs xxx

  • Thankyou, xx

  • I'm in London Essex....would live to meet up, you never know! xxxxx

  • I am fairly near the beginning of my journey , just finished my second cycle of chemo , so I won't pretend to even compare to the journey that you have been through. I just wanted to say that on one of your days off have you thought of booking a Reiki Healing session? It's a holistic therapy that helps to heal mind body and spirit and can help to release negative energy and emotions. I am a great believer in it and it has helped me many times. Google it and see what you think . If you decide to try it and decide it's not your thing then at the least you will have had an hours relaxation. Sending a positive hug your way. 😚

  • I would love to try Reiki can you recommend someone? I can relate to all the comments above and also feel disconnected and so different to the person I was before I got cancer. I hope when my treatment finishes I will reconnect with my former self and can put all this behind me. Will be thinking of you all and send you my best wishes for a full recovery. Love Marina

  • Hi Marina . I am not sure where abouts you are but would suggest you Google for Reiki and Holistic centers in your area and then try and read some reviews too. I live in Cheshire and can highly recommend The Navitas Holistic and Reiki centre . They have a site you can check out to give you an idea what it's all about anyway. Good luck Karen xx

  • Thank you Karen. I live in the London area so will check out the site you recommend x

  • I'm going to do that today Kasserp xx thankyou, good luck on rest of your treatment..stay stong and thankyou for your positivity hug much needed, sending them right back ❤❤

  • Have you done mindfulness and exercise like Pilates I find great look after yourself and maybe try and meet people who too have come out of the journey I just have radiotherapy to go and feel alive and positive but know some days can be hatd as I am divorces and my partner visits twice a week would love every day

  • Xx

  • My heart goes out to all of you who are struggling, I'm not really sure what advice I can give, do you have close friends you can confide in, go out for coffee, or is there a cancer support centre or local group you could contact , if not you can always ring Penny Brohn, MacMillan, The Haven, Breast Cancer Care, although this is the only advice I can give, I can send loads of love and hugs to you all, stay strong, I'll be thinking of you all xxxxxxxx

  • Hello, when I read your post, I imeadiatly identified with your feelings, it's now 3 years since my treatment finished, and I still have fear, I am a single parent with two children at school, and feel I have no one to turn to, I have counselling but was told because my feelings are real, I have to learn to turn the negative thoughts into positives. This is all very well but very hard to put into practice, on one of your replys someone said that they feel they were not the same person since diagnosis and that is completely the way I feel. I'm tired of people saying make every day count! I put all my energy into my kids and don't have much left after that, Family and friends think I've had my treatment so I'm ok, but to tell the truth I too feel lost and afraid. I Cope by carrying on with everyday life in the best way I can, but I do feel that could do with some kind of support from somewhere but trouble is feel I can't ask for it because my treatment has finished and they will think I should be totally back to normal by now and that's the impression people around me give, I feel like I need a mum to give me a cuddle and say don't worry everything's ok! But unfortunately I don't have my mum here. I do hope that you find some self healing and wish you well. X

  • Everything you said I can so relate too, even down to my daughter and son, 22 & 26 dont want to burden them with my fear and sadness, they see me as back to normal...I even had a really good friend say what the matter cancer was three years ago your over it now....my husband just thinks I'm being moody, I really feel for you that you haven't got your mum we all need there hugs..sad thing is I do have my mum but she's 89 an old school, she only lives up the road but never come to lay with me when I was on chemo I'v always been sad about that....I know I'd spent 24has a day with my children...I hope we can both find some piece, and healing we have to dig deep, sending you big hugs, xxxx

  • Its really tough when you have children . I am five years down the line from treatment and its only now my children have left home that I am finally making time for myself and allowing myself to recover from everything. My advice to you is don't do it my way. Take time out for you now! Get help with the kids or find a way to make time for you. If you don't you are likely to get low and depressed and lose your sense of purpose. One other thing I would say is try not to look for the person you were before cancer, accept she is gone and grieve her departure but focus on creating a new you -the person you want to be!! There is no such thing as getting back to normal - it does not happen - you are different your world has changed and how you see it has changed and how you see you has changed - you now have to define the new you. I finally gave up everything I knew and loved because I knew things had to be different and now find myself living in Buenos Aires, cat sitting for a stranger and about to go and manage a B and B in the north of Argentina - one year ago I was not even thinking about travelling and was low and depressed and totally lost. It can change but you have to want it to and have to be open to any opportunities no matter how scary they are - take them and live

  • Thank you for your reply very good words of wisdom 😊

  • Poor girl. Sending big cuddles to you from Australia. We all need a 'mum' in these times. Reach out to a close girlfriend. Look after yourself before the kids because then you'll have more to give them too. Let them help.

    Good luck. xxx

  • Thankyou all, I'v got up and put my possative pants on, I'm here I'm alive, it's freezing and I love it!!!! xxx wishing everyone a good day, one step at a time...xxxxx❤❤❤❤

  • I have to reply to your post. I read it . I. Cried I understand completely. I am 5 years down the line and I spent 5 years in the place where you are only I did not have a partner and I was struggling in a job I hated working 60 hours a week . My boys were at uni so I had fees etc to pay. I just saw no purpose to my existence and like you waited for days to end and bed to come my boys graduated one moved to Ireland the other went to work in New Zealand - my world was in pieces . Then a friend said she was going to live in Buenos Aires for 18 months . I jokingly said I would go visit . The joke turned serious and last February I flew to join her for 3 months in BA- anyway to cut a long story short she hated Argentina and 6 weeks after I arrived she left to return to England. I made a spur of the moment decision to stay alone in South America. I knew no one spoke no Spanish and had little money - having sold my car in Uk and rented out my house. It's now November. I am still in Buenos Aires - currently cat sitting in a beautiful apartment whilst owner is travelling. I teach English voluntarily to homeless people and I work one day a week in fruit shop ! I am learning Spanish and have made good friends. I love simply - making my budget last a year is a challenge - the point of this is to say - where you are will change - it will take just one thing - in my case buying a plane ticket to Argentina ! My world is unfolding in ways I never imagined. I am poor but I am alive, cancer is in remission and I feel good for first time since my diagnosis . Yes I get wobbly days when it all crashes but I get up dress up and show up!!! You can do the same - just go back to when you were a child and things you loved to do then - start doing them now - and yes why not go live in France with your man and reinvent yourself . I have changed beyond recognition out here and am discovering a whole new me. I have finally stopped looking for the pre cancer me - that I spent the last 5 years mourning the loss of amongst other losses. She is gone now is my time to live as it yours ! When you feel low rest when you feel good make the day count . You are amazing but you have to believe it

  • ElleeB.. what an inspiring story ! Xx

  • Wow...youv left me speechless, in my past I'v gone around country's to give to schools and hospitals, orphans in Kenya ect...in my thirties I took a level 2 teaching assistant course, and past with distinction, one of my proudest moment's to be honest, I'm the last of 10, so never had anything, I always see myself as a teacher in another country, or help build a school, I was asked once to help to build a school in Ghana, but my children was only 7&11, so I didn't, Id just got back from Sri,Lanka after the sunarmi, I wanted to get on the next plane out, but my husband & children wouldnt have any of it!..I wish I could be as brave as you, I dream of doing something like your doing, I think your amazing, I just need to find my courage again, I think it's been buried in sadness and hard times, this doesn't have to be the case as you have seriously proved, your story is very inspirational as many others, the strength and enlightenment of this site never ceases to amaze me....sending you big hugs...and maybe I will come and meet you one day!!!!!xxx

  • Hi Footprints, Sorry to hear of your sadness. What we have been through is very traumatic for most people. I certainly know it was for me and what you are experiencing could be a reaction to grief (for the carefree life you had before) as well as PSD (post traumatic stress disorder). I have come to the conclusion that I need ongoing therapies (I am currently having CBT) to talk honestly about these feelings and put things into perspective. You feel lonely because unless you have been on this journey no-one truly understands what it's like. You have to find ways to nurture yourself. Whatever it is that you enjoy. Spend as much as you can without guilt on yourself and get whatever support you can for free too. Find a creative outlet if that appeals to you, or some other activity or work that truly brings you pleasure. You deserve it.

  • My journey too has been hard - and do feel so lonely, nobody actually understands how you feel afterwards. I was diagnosed three years ago ( day before daughter started secondary school), husband was devastated, I had two ops, chemo, radiotherapy - which is totally unforgiving to the body, also continued to work full time though my whole experience. My husband left me a year later (he also had two mini strokes during my second round of chemo) - daughter about to start year 8 of school and now 14 - not an easy age! Life is not easy for her. The feeling never leaves you, it is always round the corner - I struggle to cope some days and say to myself how stupid I am as I have survived so far but it is a lonely time and nobody prepares you for the next step and friends/family forget what you have been through - but we did it and need to be proud of ourselves for doing so. Good luck - am sure you will move forwards to happier times.

  • What you describe could be you processing grief for the life (and body) you had pre diagnosis along with a bit of empty nest syndrome. Dont be too hard on yourself for feeling as you do but instead find ways to develop a new "normal". I found taking part in activities organised by the Haven including a fashion show, gave me both a focus but also to mix with ladies who are or have dealt with similar feelings. You will get through this but might need a little help along the way. Try the healing course ( as a result of my two experiences of cancer I trained as a Life Coach) but consider other therapies too such as EFT or Life Coaching. Breast Cancer Haven may be able to recomend a reputable, suitably qualified practitioner. Take it step by step. X

  • Thank you I will xx❤❤

  • Hi! You are certainly not alone. . My name is Jo and I’m a part of the You Can Thrive! Foundation, a non-profit organization and community of women in NYC working to empower breast cancer patients and survivors to THRIVE during and after treatment. We’ve accomplished this for 11 years and counting through a proven multidisciplinary model – incorporating patient navigation/advocacy, nutritional education, peer support, daily exercise, and integrative modalities such as yoga, meditation, acupuncture, massage therapy and Reiki – that we bring to women with cancer, of all demographics and income brackets, for FREE. our WEEKLY Sound Meditation & Reiki Restoration takes place every Thursday from 5:30-6:30pm. Visit our website at Youcanthrive.org to find out about events and services.

  • footprints.. sending you hugs, healthy happy wishes and comaraderie Xx

  • Thank you Jamaica xxx

  • This is a really normal way to feel after all the trauma you have been through so make time for your self- it's a bit like grieving. I found writing a diary was really helpful and I occasionally still go back and read my entries to remind myself how strong I had to be. Have you tried counselling?

  • Yes I did but felt it wasn't for me, Thankyou for your reply best wishes ❤

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