I don't now what to do. I am crying so much I an hardly type

My poor mum in the care home. We think she is dying yet they keep dragging her out to her meals and shoving her in wheelchairs and shes not eating. They are giving her build up drinks but thats all she will take. She wont open her eyes and is too weak to talk yet they are taking her into meals and shes too weak to eat. I wish they would stop dragging her around its awful. Its like shes half dead and they are pulling her corpse around. We have asked them to let her stay in her room for a week or so but they insist on getting her up and shes too weak to resist them its awful and i cant stand it. Its killing me. We dont think she will get any better at least let her die in dignity and peace. I feel so guilty becuase I cant stop them and they wont listen to us. The doctor been around and he said basilly the same thing. What do we do. my sister and i are going round later and we are going to have a talk with them. One day we willfind her dead i her chair and shes given up and i dont know what to do its awful. she looks terrible yet they are still dragging her around and shoving her into chairs. I cant bear it.

54 Replies

  • She has always been such a strong private independant woman and now they are treating her with lack of respect and inist she will get better but she wont shes dying and they wont admit it.

  • and the dogs barking and i cant take her out all i can do is sit her and cry and i cant stand it anymore. I never cry

  • the thought of getting old and ending up like my poor um is dreadful I ill never let myself get like that

  • My heart goes out to you.

    Is this a private care home? If it is tell don't ask that you want your Mother treated as they would wish their mother to be treated and that it is your Mothers right to do as she wishes. If it is a Council home speak to social services about your Mothers treatment. Failing all of that threaten them with bad publicity via the Daily Mail. Your Mother has the right to respect and you have the right to see your Mother cared for.

    You need a good hug so here you are (((((((((((((((((hypercat)))))))))))))))


  • Is anyone there talktome someone[please

  • Hey i don't know much but I do know your hurting I feel it too and am waiting to be all cried out! Please don't give up xx

  • Thank you Janet thank you so much. Just needed sanity thank you. My mother cant choose that is the problem she is too weak. We have to choose for her. The care home is a good one we know that and they do care but they kee[ ionsiting that she can get better we dont she can and they are doing their best. My sister and I are going to tell them that we want her kept in her room for a week or so and we will spend a lot longer with her and help her eat and drink if they havent got enougn staff. But are would ding tyhe right thing? maybe they are right? I dont know anything anymore.

  • how old she is? you need to tell nursing home you not happy with what they do to her,if she have copd my be just she have very bad infection with this cold weather,she need to go to hospital and change her doctor,do what ever you can to bring your mum back good luck

  • No she not got copd or any illness expect old age podmore. I think she is worn out and doesn;t want botherhing with life anymore shes had enough in that case it would be kindger just to make her comfortable so she can die in peace without being made to do anythingt else

  • Thanks for the hug Janet thank you

  • Here is another hug for u love,if my lovely mum was still here I wouldn't want her to b treated this way,I used to work in a care home yrs ago and left because I didn't agree with wat was happening to the patients,talk to someone please

  • she is 89 and been failing for some time.

  • oh dear,you do sound low,I don't blame you either.It is hard seeing a loved one treated like that,probably feeling a bit of guilt that she is in that position.Maybe it's the homes rules,that they have to go to the dining room,I realy don't know.

    However I do think it's imperative,that you ask for a family meeting,& let them know how you feel,& don't beat around the bush,it's your Mum & you have to speak up for her.

    I wish you with all my heart a happy outcome,do let us know how it all goes,

    Big hugs,love Wendells xxxx

  • Thaks you vey much wendells I appreciate that. We are going to let them know how we feel this afternoon but I still dont know if we are doing the right thing maybe they are right and we are wrong and she dies because they do it our way. I dont know anything anymore I feel guilty whatever i do and theres no anser is it. I can barely take responsibility to fmy self let alone anyone else

  • She had fall and broke her hip last mothers day and its knicked the stuffing out of her and we dont think she can get it back. Some of the other residents are allowed to stay in their rooms so why not my poor mother. She obviously needs more attention than the others maybe thats why. But it the family are willing to take on some of that work then they might agree.

  • Myyoungest sister. She agrees with me. But what if we are wrong? They are insiting that they can get her well again and back on her feet. Butr we dont think this will happen she is so old and weak thet said she can walk with her walker again and she did but with 2 of them holding her up under her armpits and dragging her leg. they keph telling her not to drag her leg but why wont they leave her alone? she was very weak and worn out before she broke her hip and sptnt m0ost of the time sleeping then and not eating much. i think breaking her hip has broken whars remains of her spirit and now they are toruring her and saying ehy can bring her back././ V=Cant type any more still cant top crying

  • Hypercat I wish I was there with you to give you a big hug. That is a disgraceful way to treat someone. Maybe when you go to the care home can you and insist that they leave your mother in peace and comfort. I would also to speak to her doctor and get a prognosis on her condition.

    Sending you strength and hugs.

  • I used to manage nursing homes, if your mom is able in anyway to signal what her wishes are it is against all regulations known to mankind and you need to tell them to stop as it could be considered as an abuse of her human rights. Have you had a meeting with the manager/matron? Or just the nursing staff? As it is the manager who has overall responsibility of the home I would give her a chance. There are other options, ask for a social worker to become involved and ask for an advocate for your mom too.

    Which area are you in? If you want to discuss this matter at anytime message me.

    Good luck with everything.


  • Hypercat it's time you showed them you mean business. Take someone with you insist on a meeting. The person you take with you should not contribute just listen, better still take notes.

    You must insist that your wishes are met in full.

    You do know best she's your mum. You are offering them the opportunity to avoid serious public embarrassment at the very least. Their behaviour amounts to cruel and inhuman treatment.

    If you can arrange to record the conversation that would be ideal.

    Most important trust yourself, you do know best. Who else could know your mum better.

    How I wish I could find words of comfort for you in this desperate situation.


  • I really do feel for you , I can remember having a problem very much like yours with my Dad when he was in a nursing home . They would wheel him to the table and he just couldnt manage to eat on his own . :-( , It was lucky it that time that i could go in a lot and make sure he was ok , I did get them to see sense in the end but like you it was hard work and we should not have to fight them like this , a care home should be just that a care home . I do hope you manage to sort them out as soon as possible it must be heartbreaking to see your mother treated in this way . (((Hugs ))) to you . Su xx

  • Hypercat, I have read your messages and feel for both you and your mother. I have worked in an old peoples hospital a long time ago. There are people that are obsessed with mobilising patients. Cant think what they are trying to prove. It is distressing for both you and your mother. Something needs to be done now. You have already had some good suggestions.

    My view is that your mother is 89 and has to choose what she wants for her comfort. If she cant, well you will have to take action at a time when you are feeling sad yourself. Cant the GP help but of course it is BH time.

    I have deep feelings about this. I would like very much to come and give you some backing. The thought of your mother being dragged around at 89 when she needs comfort and peace. Appalling. These people have to be sadists.

    It might not be a workable idea, but I would suggest you move in there at 8am and take over her nursing and general care. Have you got a nursing friend. What can they do to stop you - it would make very bad national news if they did.

  • I had the same problem when my mum was in a nursing home before she died I had to go and complain every day for about a week before the message got through to them that she wanted to stay in her room and not be taking to the dining room I asked them if it was there mother how they would like her to be treated there excuse was it was easier to take her there they soon got the message when I kept complaining until they done it my way . So I hope you get it dealt with too !

  • Its such a comfort that others have been in the same sitaution and understand thank you all. Am going round to my mums now will let you all know what happens.

    Bev x

  • .I think the best thing you do is to follow your own instinct and gut feeling, after all you know your Mother better than any care home staff you know her physical and mental needs better than any one.You and your sister need to deceide on a plan of action, ask for a meeting with senior staff and inform them of your decisions. I have just returned from visiting my daughter who is also in a care home, she is 27, severlly brain damaged with no form of comunication we have bee through hell with her since Christmas as she has been so ill. She to stopped eating was crying in extreme pain all the time and alot of her beautiful hair has fallen out. The GP came out to her a few times did some blood tests and because they came back clear said theres nothing wrong with her we as her parents and her brother knew different, we knew her knew it was not like her to give up on her food, she loves it we had to fight like hell(care home staff were bound by GP decision though they too agreed there was something wrong) She just wanted to be left alone in her room all the time to have peace. W e had to fight like hell, but eventually they got fed up with us and agreed to do X rays these came back as showing a blockage in her colon, which left much longer could have potentially done her a lot of damage not to mention it was causing her severe pain as the food she could manage was going around the blockage forcing the stomach walls to open. I know obviously this is not the same as your mums case, and my heart truly goes out to you, but I do have experience of care home staff the staff that look after Shelley love her to bits but we do find that they are bound by other people (ie the GP) when i really think the people who know the patient the best is there close family If we had not taken the bull by the horns and insisted on what we wanted Shelley would still be not eating, losing weight, grey skin and hairless.It is very difficult to do I know, but remember that at the end of the day/night the care home staff go home and most likely dont think about the patient until the next shift,meanwhile you and your sister go home worried(most likely terrified) and upset. I used to come home from my visits with shelley mentally and physically exhausted and cry buckets not tears for me but for her. I saw her today and for the first time since Christmas saw her smile and she was actually well enough to take out for tea and cake. If we had not decieded to follow our instinct and fight that would not have happened, but as we also say she only has us to fight for her and if she could do the same for us she would. Bless you in whatever decision you make please let us know how you and your sister get on we are all here for you, and dont forget to look after yourself too.

  • Oh my goodness, just had to reply to you....that is disgusting...G.P's are always making mistakes, just because she could not talk and tell him....she must have been in so much pain. Thank God for intuition and gut feelings. I am so glad you pushed for her to get that vital x ray. The staff in there sound good...but they should have followed their instincts more I feel. You have enough heartache with your poor daughter....you need to know she is as comfortable and happy as she can be. I send my blessings and prayers to you. (I am in Scotland) x

  • I really feel for you, and your mother. I think homes can be quite insensitive and everyone's suggestion about going with someone else and asking for a case conference meeting are great ideas.

    I have no background in this field, but wondered whether they feel they have to do this as they have a 'duty of care' and worry that they could be held to account if they don't try. I really don't know, but a social worker might.

    Lynne xx

  • Oh hypercat ,,you must tell them,,i can,t believe they are trying to make your mother walk if she broke her hip on mothers day,,that was only a few weeks ago,,,go by your gut feeling,,here,s a hug,,and good luck xx

  • Making mum comfortable is the best doctors should do playing god with life and death will not be legally allowed as families who wish to be rid of a relative for financial gain are also covered by the same rules.

  • My sister and I have just had a chat with the managers at the home. They said they have come to the same conclusion that we have. At first they thought she would rally and now they have accepted that she wont. They said they will leave her in bed tomorrow and on Tuesday we are going to get the doctor round and all have a chat about the best way to proceed. I know we are talking about end of life care. She has stopped drinking as well as eating so she might not even make it til next week. I told them about 2 of thestaff about a week ago making her walk on her frame (before the physios have even come in) and holding her under the armpits and telling her not to drag her leg. They then put her on a rotator to swivel her round to another chair. Thats the image I have in my mind which wont go away. The way she hung on grimly because she had been told to and the terror she must have felt. She is so weak and helpless.

    ooops crying again cant type any more am going now

  • Hello Hypercat, I have come in here on Tues 2nd April....I am so very pleased you finally got through to the staff management and they actually agreed with you. I have worked in many care homes, good and bad. You have been correct all along and your mum should not have been dragged around like that. I came across the same thing...making a man walk when I knew he was struggling...he ended up with injuries because of it....another lady had a broken hip, and they told me to put frozen peas on it, that it wasn't broken....turns out it was...and the suffering that lady went through. I could write a book. My own mum....I will always blame the particular private home for her death....they said she was on medication for fluid build up....and she wasn't. She died of heart failure...the fluid had built up. The guilty person even came to her funeral...I could not start anything in God's house, she has that on her conscience, and it would not have brought my lovely mum back. You have managed to do something before it is too late. I do hope now that your mum spends the rest of her time in peace and surrounded by your love....they need to get her on a drip if she is not drinking...but I haven't been to the end of this page yet...maybe this has happened already and she is getting the care she so needs. I love elderly people and get so angry that Britain does not have the respect and dignity as a country for our elders who are very special people. I am a spiritualist, and believe that when a person dies, they are not gone....they are still with us all the time and still send their love.....I feel when my mum is here and she strokes my hair sometimes....Please take this in the right way, Hypercat....with all my love to your mum and your family. I send you prayers and blessings, keep your chin up - you are a good person, never forget that xxx

  • I am so sorry for what you went through with your mum naturelover. That must have been awful for you. When my mum fell and was complaining about pain in her hip the staff immediately called an ambulance so she got the correct treatment straightaway. Which I am so grateful for. The home generally is very good and they do care about their residents. They can't put her on a drip without medical supervision but she seems to be drinking ok for the moment.

    Bev xx

  • Thank you. That's good your mum is drinking, and now that management know how you feel, things should be better for your mum. A review of staff practices would not go amiss there, I am sure there are a lot of good carers in the home, but they need to do reviews on communication to management. Everyone should know what is going on with a resident, from the top to the care assistant. Do keep us informed how she is doing... xx

  • The managers said they shouldnt have done that at all.

  • Don't ever feel guilty that you may have done the wrong thing. You, as family, know your Mum wouldn't want things like this, would you? In the absence of an advance directive they have a duty of care to her but I feel that they're taking things way beyond that.

    So glad to hear that they've eventually agreed with you and sadly, if she's not even drinking she will not last long so then I also hope they have her on Morphine - her hip must be causing enough pain for them to administer it and it will ease her passing.

    So very sad for all of you but don't beat yourself up, I think your instinct is correct.

  • So glad to hear that you are finally getting some where with the staff at the care home.I feel for you your mum and your family. You face a difficult time ahead, but your Mum i think would be so very proud of you.I do hope the members of staff who made her walk on the frame will be reprimanded so that no one else goes through that experience. I will be thinking of you on Tuesday when you have your meeting with the doctors. Meanwhile cry as much as you need to it is natures way of dealing with stress. Take good care.Best wishes. xxxxxx.

  • OMG. I take a bit of time away from here and an eruption like this occurs! What a distressing story and I'm appalled to hear of such treatment of a frail lady in what is supposed to be a 'care' home !

    I'm feeling for you, I would have gone totally bananas with the staff if it had been my Mum in that situation. It may sound hard, even harsh, but make notes of the mis-treatment, including staff names where possible, so you can write a formal complaint about all of this. It is not acceptable and needs to be sorted out.

    My wife worked in a care home for a while, but as soon as she could, she left. It was really distressing for her to watch other members of staff simply skimming over the surface of what they were supposed to do, leaving elderly people visibly distressed. I'll not go into the details.

    One of the problems is that the staff are also abused, by the long hours and low pay they get, so they rebel against the management by not doing half the job. That can involve having an attitude and not even bothering to look at the information that is there about the individual residents.

    It also means that some of the staff are doing the job, or trying to, but can't do everything when others are not pulling their weight. Yes, the dodgers get the sack, eventually, but it's unfair on the good members of staff to have to put up with it, and even if they report the slackers it takes so long before action is taken.

    Don't let them bully you by saying you can't stay with your Mum when she's in this poor state of health. I really hope you can find a solution when you meet with the doctors. If it is to be end of life then think positive about it, you've already said you don't want her being mis-treated and forced to eat etc. I'd also be taking into consideration the actions of the care home.

    Yes, it will hurt to be making decisions, but you must do what is right for your Mum. You will always keep the good memories so don't cloud those with any bad ones, like what is going on now. Be strong.

    You know that you can cry on my shoulder any time you need to, don't keep things bottled up because it's not good for you :) xxx

  • Aw thank you Gordon - you might regret saying that!

    Bev xx

  • Oh no I won't :) xx

  • Try and get the GP on your side to prescibe total bed rest,,so they cannot move her about for meals..Be polite yet firm with any member of staff you come into contact with..The more you can visit the better even though it is distressing for you and the family..As gorden said take notes and names,,have a word with the social work about your mother..IF ALL FAILS GET THE LOCAL PRESS INVOLVED.. Take care x

  • Oh Hypercat, I am so sorry for you and your mum.

    Reading your posts made me cry. Although I care for my mum at her home, I can put myself in your shoes so easily.

    You know your mum best of all and I am sure there comes a time when it is kinder to let her slip away in peace, oh god I am crying now,

    Big hugs to you sweetie

  • Oh Bev, I do feel for you. The least we can hope for at that stage in our lives is a bit of dignity and peace and quiet. My mum was in a nursing home and they were fantastic with her, just can't fault her care, particularly towards the end when they simply made sure she was clean (just with warm cloths) and comfortable. I couldn't have wished for more. I think, when an elderly person breaks their hip they are told they have to get moving as soon as possible after the operation and it may be that have just taken this too far and not taken into account that your mum has now had enough and just wants to be left in peace. I am sure you will get it sorted on Tuesday when you see the gp. Heartbreaking for you. All the best, Libby xxx

  • Hypercat I have just come on here to see how it went this afternoon and I am very pleased that you made your feelings clear. I now hope that your Mum will be able to rest easy.

    I do know how it is as do many others on here when it is your Mum coming to the end of their life somehow it hurts in a totally different way. My mum died two years ago she was in one ward in the hospital and I was in another too ill to go to her I felt so helpless but luckily I had the support of my sisters and we had discussed as a family my Mums end of life care I hope you have done this too it may sound hard but in some ways it makes it easier because you can be prepared - if you understand what I mean.

    If you would like you can send me a pm and I will send you my phone number if you would like a chat at anytime.

    Those hugs are still here for you



  • Thank you janet. I am ok at the moment but might well take you up on your kind offer if I need to talk.

    Theres only me and 2 of my sisters but we have talked about it between us. We all know the end is near and we are pulling together which is good. We are prepared but as you know, is all very stressful while its going on.

    Bev xx

  • What a terrible situation You are in Hypercat your mother is very weak and you know your mum but the people incharge of her care wont listen to you whch in turn will make you feel helpless . i went through a simular situation of having to fight for my dad but mine was with the hospital Doctors which was very hard . i got help from the local hospice who had words with the hospital plus i did go to the top to register my complaint however doing this took all my strengh as i felt so helpless i felt weak and tired at the time but iwas supported by friends and family my heart goes out to you Hypercat but please get help go to the managers of the home and complain if you have a local hospice ask there advice and get as much support as you can to help you your mum needs and is entitled to her dignity they are wrong not to listen to you Hypercat its heartbreaking and wrong i hope you gain some strengh from all the messages above im sending you a big hug and my best wishes Bob xx

  • Thinking of you and your mum and sister today; and especially tomorrow when you meet the Doctors. I hope your Mums treatment has improved since your meeting yesterday. xxxxxxx.

  • Oh hunny, so so sorry to read of your distress. I was a tad busy yesterday having an operation in hospital but am at my mums now being cared for and can't imagine anyone treating he like they are treating yours. I am glad that you finally are getting somewhere with the staff now, owever late that maybe.

    The important thing right now is to just be with your mum and make her as comfortable as possible. Talk to her, tell her you love her, all the things we often take for granted until its too late. She is lucky to have you xx

  • (((((big hug )))))

    my mum died comfortably and dignified in her sleep in a nhs hospital.

    after being in a care home for several years

    the palliative care team were amazing..

    mum was kept comfortable and died peacefully,

    we all had the chance to say our goodbyes...

    i always thought comfortable meant big pillows or something,

    but the morphine etc meant she just slipped away .calm and dignified..

    that was mothers day lastyear

    ((((warmest regards to you at this time for you))))

    love bunny x

  • i know its hard my dad was the same in a home . he said to me 2 years before never put me in a home , but it was taken out of my hands , with his partner who he was with 20 years after my mum died i went mad its not right god bless him he left use after 18 months . yes its so hard to see them every day having to put up with the pain its in their face ..............

  • Hello

    Afraid I'm playing catch up. Hypercat: how are things now?

    Please take heart, you are doing all you can do and the support is here if you need it.

    Please keep us informed and call the helpline if youu would like to talk: 03000 030 555 or message me direct.

    Take care

  • Thank you Helen. I will certainly ring if I need to.

    Bev x

  • Hi Bev,

    So sorry to hear your news. Big hugs. Hope your Mum is comfortable for the time she has left now. Also hope your sisters are a comfort to you, and you to them at this time. Thinking of you all xxxxxxx

  • Heart Breaking Story. My Thoughts & Prayers are with your Mum & all the family xxx

  • Thank you all so much for your kind words and hugs and kisses. You are all amazing.... Have just blogged about the latest news.

    Thanks again.

    Bev xxxx

  • I am so sorry that you have to go through this stuff my heart is with you I lost my mom in 2010 and I am still dealing with it I miss her so much but I completely understand what you are saying and so should the doctors leave her be allow he time she does have left be about her and her family. So many times with death we forget to take the time just to let them know they are very much loved and she would probably so much rather have that and I would take a stand and let the doctors know that you will get her up if that is what she wants maybe by letting her rest and not forcing her to eat she may feel better in her own way it is very unfair of them to do so I get that is their job but instead of thinking of the job allow them to be human and think with their heart this is your mother and you only have one I have included her and you and family in my prays this morning just as hard as it may seem remain strong and every chance yo get let her know you love her and you are right there with her even if she cant talk or open her eyes hold her hand tell her you love her cause take it from me I would give anything just that chance to touch my mom 1 more time god bless you honey, Put it in the lords hands he will help you face anything.

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